by Beth Ehemann
We all sat down at the table as the waitress walked up and passed out menus that we probably wouldn’t even need.
“Portland!” I jumped up when I realized just who our waitress was and pulled her into a bear hug.
The force of my hug made her drop her pen and paper as I lifted her off of the ground.
“Hi, Viper. Put me down.” She giggled, squirming out of my arms. She bent down and picked her stuff up. “What can I start you guys off with? A pitcher?”
“Make it two,” Brody answered.
“Got it.” She punched my arm and winked at me as she walked away.
“Your tongue is hanging out of your mouth,” Darla teased, nudging me back to reality. I hadn’t even realized I was staring at Portland as she walked away.
“Seriously, dude. Control yourself,” Mike teased.
“I can’t help it.” I finally turned back to the table. “She has an ass that keeps me up at night. Shit, that ass gets me up whenever I think about it too long.”
Kacie and Michelle groaned and rolled their eyes.
“I’m gonna get her. Mark my words, I’m gonna get her,” I said confidently.
To everyone else, she was Anna, but to me, she’d always be Portland. She’d moved here a couple of months ago from Portland, against her parents’ wishes, to live with her boyfriend. Before she’d even finished unpacking, she found out he was cheating on her and he moved out. Trying to save face with her parents, she’d decided to stick it out and keep the lease for a year. I met her shortly thereafter and was attracted instantly. Her long jet-black hair and tattooed arms were my ultimate weakness, and I’d vowed to spend that same year trying to get her into bed, but she resisted every advance I’d made. Little did she know I hadn’t brought out the big guns yet.
“I don’t get how you put up with this hornball,” Kacie said to Darla as she nodded her head toward me.
Darla shrugged. “He’s not mine.”
“Whatever.” Michelle grabbed a peanut out of the bowl and tossed it at Darla. “You are the closest thing to a girlfriend he’s ever had.”
“Actually, that’s not true,” objected Brody. “Remember Kat? She lived with him for like what… five minutes?”
“Don’t remind me about that crazy bitch.” I groaned as I dropped my head onto the table.
“That’s the same nutjob that called my phone, right?” Darla asked.
“Wait, she called you?” Kacie asked incredulously. “You never told me that!”
“Really? I thought I had,” she answered. “Yeah, right after we started fooling around, she called me to warn me about his evil ways.”
Michelle’s mouth hung open in shock as she reached over and grabbed another peanut. “What did you say?”
“I told her that she better not call me again or I’d show her what evil really was.” Darla laughed.
“Okay, here you guys go.” Portland walked back up to the table carrying a pitcher of ice-cold beer in each hand. Between the beer and her perky tits in the same eyeshot, my dick was getting hard right there at the table.
She set the pitchers down and took our food order.
“Can I get a water too?” Kacie asked.
“Sure thing. I’ll be right back with that and then put these in.” She smiled and walked away, disappearing through the saloon doors into the kitchen.
“Okay, enough about Viper’s deranged relationships with women. What else is new with everyone here?” Brody asked as he started pouring beer into glasses and sliding them around the table.
Portland returned with Kacie’s water and set it down.
“Maura’s sleeping through the night, finally!” Michelle said cheerfully.
Mike raised his glass in the air. “I’ll drink to that.”
We all raised our glasses and bumped them together in the middle.
“How old is she now?” Darla asked.
Big Mike sighed. “Six months. Took her forever.”
“Wait,”—Michelle narrowed her eyes at Kacie—“why are you drinking water?”
Like someone turned the dial up on her face, Kacie’s cheeks flushed instantly. She cleared her throat. “Uh… I’m driving.”
“Bullshit,” Darla called her out. “Brody drove here.”
“And I’m driving home,” Kacie shot back defensively.
Brody looked down at the table, playing with an empty peanut shell as he tried to hide his smile.
“No way.” Darla looked from him to her. “You two did it again, didn’t you?”
“Did what?” I was clueless.
“Are you?” Darla ignored me as she pushed Kacie to answer her. Kacie turned her head toward Brody, silently begging for backup.
“Don’t look at me.” He laughed, holding his hands up defensively. “I’m not the fertile one.”
“Oh my God! You are!” Michelle squealed as she clapped her hands together.
“Are what? What the hell is going on?” I growled as I looked around the table, annoyed that I was obviously the only one who didn’t know what was going on.
Brody peeked down at Kacie, who’d covered her face with her hands. “Kacie’s pregnant.”
Darla and Michelle hopped off of their stools and ran around to Kacie’s side of the table, wrapping their arms around her.
“Pregnant?” I blurted out. “Isn’t Emma like… a newborn still?”
Kacie giggled as Darla and Michelle released her. “She’s almost one and a half.”
Brody grinned. “They’ll be a little over two years apart.” Kacie rested her cheek on Brody’s shoulder, staring up at him. She closed her eyes as he gently kissed her forehead.
“I’m happy for you guys, truly.” Mike had a tear in his eye as he raised his glass again. We all lifted our glasses one more time.
“You’re such a fucking pansy ass,” I teased as Mike wiped his eye.
“He’s not a pansy.” Michelle leaned over and kissed his cheek. “He’s a sweet, sensitive man who appreciates family.”
“If by sensitive you mean he has a vagina,” I joked before turning my attention to Brody and Kacie. “Really though, I am happy for you guys. Is this one gonna have a penis, unlike Mike?”
“We don’t know.” Kacie laughed as Mike reached over and punched my arm. “Still too early. And because it’s so early, we’re asking you guys to keep this to yourselves. You all know how it can be when the media catches wind of something personal in our lives, and I’m not ready for that yet. Not until I’m further along.”
“Oh, honey. That goes without saying,” Michelle agreed, shaking her head. “Damn vultures.”
“Man, look at this. You guys are all on your second, third, tenth kids, and here I am living by myself, with no one to come home to at night, no family to love, no one to talk to…” I said as seriously as I could. They all stared wide-eyed at me, not sure how to respond. “Suckers!” I bellowed, laughing as I ducked the hail of peanuts.
“MORNING, SUNSHINE.”
My head throbbed as I cracked one eye open the very next morning. Darla was sitting on the edge of my bed, smiling at me as she tied her shoes.
Blinking away the sleep, I leaned up on one elbow. “Where you going?”
“You’re off work for the summer, but the rest of us aren’t,” she teased as she disappeared into my walk-in closet. “What are your plans for the rest of the day anyway?”
I sat all the way up and stretched my arms out. “I think I’m gonna go visit my grandma.”
“Oh yeah?” She reappeared from my closet wearing a Minnesota Wild sweatshirt.
“Hey, that’s my favorite one,” I whined playfully.
“I know.” She smiled at me. “So… your grandma, huh? Do you visit her often?”
“Not as much as I should.” I sighed, feeling guilty. “It’s hard to get over there during the season, so I spend as much time with her as I can during the off-season. We’re kindred spirits, actually.”
She stopped moving and stared at me for a second, p
rocessing what I’d just said. “Kindred spirits? You and your grandmother?”
“Yep.” I laughed. “Believe it or not. Gam’s not a typical grandma. She looks like it on the outside, but on the inside she’s wild and crazy.”
“Hmmm.” She tilted her head to the side. “I’d like to meet her sometime.”
I nodded. “I’m sure you will.”
“All right, I gotta go.” Grabbing her purse off my dresser, she walked over and bent down to kiss me good-bye.
“What about my hoodie?” I mumbled through the kiss.
Darla pulled away and narrowed her eyes at me. “I’ll bring it back, you big baby.”
I yawned and lay back down on the bed. “You coming back tonight?”
“Maybe.” She blew me a kiss and turned down the hall.
“What do you mean maybe?” I called after her.
“Gotta see what other offers present themselves,” she yelled back from my kitchen.
I couldn’t help but smile as I heard the clink of the cookie jar on the counter.
She knows me so damn well.
Gam’s little ranch house was modest but really well taken care of, considering her stubborn eighty-nine-year-old ass wouldn’t let me hire a landscaper. Not a flower out of place or a bush overgrown. It was her pride and joy, other than me of course.
The hum of my motorcycle brought Gam out to her front porch.
She tipped her watering can toward some weird pink puffballs in a pot as I took my helmet off and secured it to the back of my bike.
“You’re so goddamn loud. The whole neighborhood knows when my grandson comes over.” She smiled, shaking her head. I walked up the white wooden steps to her porch and she offered me her cheek.
“Gimmie a break.” I kissed her. “These old bats living in your community can’t hear shit.”
“You win.” She nodded. “Here, come sit.”
We walked over to the two white wicker chairs on her porch, and I collapsed into one, still tired and a bit hungover from the night before.
She stared down at me, studying my face. “You look like hell.”
“Thanks. I feel like hell.”
“Let me get you something to drink.” She patted my knee and disappeared into the house.
I rested my head against the back of the chair and closed my eyes, taking a deep breath. Her porch smelled sweet from all the flowers that surrounded it. A bird annoyingly chirped somewhere from one of the twenty bright-colored birdhouses I’d hung in her trees a few years ago. Birds were her passion, especially cardinals. They were her favorite. She would sit and watch them all day long and talked about them like they were her friends. She also talked about the squirrels. Scratch that, more like bitched about the squirrels. Holy shit did she hate them.
The door hinge creaked as she came back out carrying a tray with our drinks in mason jars, as usual.
“Here, drink this.” She handed me a glass of sweet tea along with a couple aspirin. “And take those. You really do look like shit.”
I smiled and shook my head as I washed the pills down with a swig of tea.
“So, what’s new with you?” I leaned back in my chair.
“Well, I’m not dead yet, so that’s something to celebrate.” She raised her jar in the air before taking a drink.
I looked back and forth from my glass to hers. “Why does your tea look different?”
“Because my tea is whiskey.” She grinned proudly.
“Whiskey?” I stared at it incredulously before checking the time on my phone. “It’s ten thirty in the morning.”
“Lawrence, when you’re my age, you learn to do things when you want to do them, not when it’s socially acceptable. Hell, who knows if I’ll still be around at dinner time? While we’re on the subject, I had half a tub of mint chocolate chip ice cream for dinner last night. Cheers!” She raised her glass again and winked at me.
The silver curls on top of her head didn’t budge unless the wind blew at hurricane levels, the skin on her face was covered in wrinkles and laugh lines, and her glasses were thicker than my… hockey stick, but all of that was very deceiving. Knitting wasn’t her thing, she didn’t bake, and she didn’t complain about loud music or kids walking on her lawn. She was a foul-mouthed, whiskey-drinking badass who told it like it was and didn’t take crap from anyone. Even though she often complained about getting old, other than a bum knee and a little glaucoma, her health was great, and I was beyond thankful for that.
“How’s your knee feeling?” I asked. “The weather’s been weird the last couple days, really damp.”
“Oh, you know… the usual.” She shrugged. “If I sit too long, it tightens up. If I stand too long, it tightens up. When I get up in the morning, it’s tight. When I go to bed at night, it’s tight.”
“At least you’re consistent,” I joked.
“Enough about my old bones. Have you talked to your parents lately?”
The muscles in my arms tightened. “Nope,” I answered sharply, looking her straight in the eye, a gentle warning not to ask any more questions about it.
She stared back at me, squinting slightly as she tried to decide whether or not to push it.
“Have you talked to Ben? He was here last week.”
“I know. He told me,” I said, thankful she’d decided against talking about my parents. “He called last week. Said everything is still on track, so that’s good.”
Ben Goldberg was the best financial adviser in all of Minnesota. Not only did he stop me from pissing all my money away on beer and strip clubs, I paid him a little extra to help take care of my grandma. She’d received a small insurance claim from my grandpa’s death, and while she lived simply, it was nowhere near enough to last her the rest of her life. Ben told her he’d invested it wisely and not only was it still there, but she was making a little on it every month. Little did she know she’d run out of money two years ago. A couple times a year, Ben went over finances with her in… layman’s terms. She didn’t understand percentages and IRAs and all that confusing shit, so she had no idea I paid Ben to pad her account. All she needed was him to reassure her that she was still set. I was supporting her one hundred percent, paying for anything and everything she needed, and that was strictly between Ben and me. If she knew the truth, she’d march her old, stubborn ass down to Starbucks or some shit like that and get a job. That was the last thing I wanted. She’d spent her whole life working hard as a cook, and I wanted her to worry about nothing more than her flowers and her birds.
“Damn it!” She jumped up from her chair and glared into the yard.
I followed her stare and turned around just as an ice cube whizzed past my head toward a squirrel that had stealthily climbed a tree and dropped down onto one of her birdhouses.
“Whoa, whoa! What the hell are you doing?” I held my arm up, shielding my face from another ice cube.
“That little bastard is looking for seed in the houses!” she yelled, raising her right arm and throwing another cube, barely missing the squirrel.
I looked down at the tray, finally noticing the cup with nothing but ice in it. “You were prepared for this?”
“Yeah, he does this all the time!” She launched another cube, this time making contact with the poor little guy’s belly. He jumped from the swinging house back up to the tree and disappeared.
“He’ll be back… and I’ll be ready.” She sat back down in the chair, keeping a careful eye on the tree.
“Is this what you do with yourself all day?”
“Pretty much.”
“So what else is on your agenda this week, other than squirrel hunting?” I teased, nodding toward the tree.
She shrugged. “The ladies gave me a hard time for missing cards last week, so I suppose I’ll have to do that on Monday. It’s supposed to rain Tuesday, so I’ll most likely lie around in my underwear and watch TV.”
Like I said, kindred spirits.
She continued, “Probably The Price is Right. Drew Carey is
a cutie. He can leave his shoes under my bed anytime.”
“Ugh.” I cringed. “Gross. Why do you talk like that?”
“Hey, I’m old, not dead. Some of those young men on TV really get my motor running.” She wiggled her eyebrows up and down.
“Come on! Knock it off. I don’t want to hear about this.” I laughed and covered my ears with my hands.
“You know, Lawrence, in my day, I was pretty hot to trot,” she bragged proudly.
“I don’t think I want to know what that means.” I sighed.
“It means the boys thought your old granny was pretty cute, and granny loved the boys right back.” She stared off into space, thinking about her past. She smirked and raised one eyebrow. “Especially the ones in uniform. Boy, was I a sucker for a man in a uniform.”
“Can we be done with this conversation now?” I pleaded, rubbing my eyes with the heels of my hands. “I’m trying to keep my breakfast down.”
Gam laughed loudly, clearly enjoying my discomfort. “Why did you want to know what I was doing anyway?”
“I was going to come by again. Maybe Wednesday?”
“Let me check my schedule.” Her dark brown eyes looked up toward the ceiling of her covered porch and then back down at me. “Yep, I’m free.”
“Good. I’m gonna come take you to breakfast.”
“You are?”
“I am.”
“Hmmm…” Thinking about it, she chuckled to herself. “Make it brunch. I like to sleep in.”
“HEY! COME ON in.” Big Mike’s smiling face greeted me as the wooden door opened. He was holding Maura in his right arm, facing out, as I stepped inside. As soon as I stepped through the door, she grinned up at me, her arms flapping wildly as drool hung off her chin.
I caught the spit with my finger and wiped it on Mike’s face as I walked by. “Kind of like having a puppy, huh?”
He laughed, wiping his cheek with his sleeve. “Asshole.”
I walked toward the back of his large, comfortable house and into the kitchen. Matthew was sitting at the counter eating a bowl of macaroni and cheese.
