“Will that make you feel better?” she asked.
If she was simply satisfying his idle curiosity then she wouldn’t waste her time. Yet, if he needed this, needed to hear every word before he could move on with his life then she would have to accommodate him.
What she really wanted was for him to trust her, to let her in and share his experiences with her. He might believe himself to be impervious to trauma, but ignoring difficult incidents only compounded their effect and she didn’t want him to be numb to what made him human.
Emotions might make him feel weak, maybe that was why he’d walked away from her. But Tuck, when he was alive and feeling, was the most incredible person who deserved to be happy. She wanted to know all of the things about the man she loved, the things she’d ignored because she’d thought that’s what he wanted her to do. Instead of trying to be what he wanted her to be, Kadie wanted to be herself, and that meant satisfying her curiosity about the man she’d shared her life with for half a decade.
She’d be lying if she said she didn’t still love him. Mad as she was about the way he’d abandoned her and as scared as she was in her current situation, she couldn’t deny that having him near to her, in her life again, even if it was just for a short time, bolstered her and reminded her of what it was to be human, what it was to matter to another person. Tuck could deny his feelings for her all he liked, and maybe they weren’t as deep as they once were or as intimate, but he still cared about her. If he didn’t, he wouldn’t have orchestrated this moment, this night, just to keep her safe.
“No,” he said. “I’ll probably hate every minute of it. I’ve done a lot of things in my life that I should be ashamed of. But I only have one regret. Something about tonight made me see that walking away from you like I did was the dumbest thing I’ve ever done.”
“I’m not buying it,” she said, taking his wrists to pull his hands from her face and hair. “You did fine without me before this.”
Believing him and falling into his embrace would be too easy. Losing him had been the hardest thing she’d ever endured and she’d been completely open, unprepared for it. If she had to watch him walk away again and experience the panic that had consumed her when she discovered he wasn’t in the basement, she would lose her last glimmer of hope.
“Do you think I would use you?” he asked.
Not in any way that would hurt her directly. But she’d learned a lot about her former lover in the past couple of days, proving that she didn’t know as much about him as she’d thought. “I don’t know what this is,” she said. “But I know you well enough to know that you have an ulterior motive. You always have one.”
“Do I?”
“Yes,” she said. Tuck had a great mind and was a natural problem-solver, she wasn’t so great at seeing the big picture. Somehow she knew that she factored into his mental calculations, she just didn’t know how vital a variable she was in the equation. “You didn’t want anything to do with me when I threw myself at you in that motel room.”
“This isn’t about sex,” he said. “Keep your virtue, I don’t want it.”
She wasn’t reassured by his declaration that although he regretted walking away from her, he wasn’t interested in her body anymore. Women were supposed to be the conundrum, but Tuck wasn’t making it easy to figure him out. “My virtue is long gone,” Kadie said. “But, if it’s not sex you want… what is it?”
“I want to have sex with you,” he said.
Another one-eighty. Hadn’t he just said that he didn’t? It wasn’t easy to draw any conclusions, especially when he’d started the conversation by asking to hold her. “No you don’t,” she replied, because he’d refused her body and stated after that he didn’t want it.
“Sure about that?” he asked, grabbing her hand and forcing it against his erection.
When their bodies had been together, she’d felt his arousal, but something like that was easy to conjure with the right thoughts and stimulation. That he could have that kind of reaction while she was trussed up in the way she was, didn’t encourage her to believe its sincerity.
“You can control that,” she said, arching a brow.
“Can I?” he asked.
“Yes, you can,” she replied. “It’s not much of an achievement or a compliment to me given you were just as happy with Star in the back of the limo. What was that about by the way? Just a little game to keep yourself entertained?” Declaring her as his on the back of making out with another woman put his claim deeper into question.
Without shame, he shrugged. “I was playing a part. She was there and refusing her would’ve been suspicious,” he said.
Understanding his point intellectually didn’t relieve her of the memory of watching it. “We’re not together,” she said. “You don’t owe me anything.” She didn’t like seeing him kissing Star, and she wanted to slap him for doing it in front of her, but it wasn’t her right to punish him for enjoying a beautiful woman.
Snatching for her when she tried to retreat, he didn’t let her withdraw. “It’s a part I won’t have to play again. I claimed you. While you’re mine, I’m yours, as far as Sikorski is concerned.”
“Am I supposed to be grateful?”
“If it was so easy for me to control my dick, why was it hard as fuck when we were together earlier? And, in the bar when you frisked me, I know you noticed.”
“I…” she started, glancing down and back up when words didn’t immediately follow her opening her mouth. “I don’t know, you’re teasing me.” But Tuck wasn’t cruel, at least the Tuck she loved wasn’t.
“It happens around you,” he said. “Only you.”
“Am I supposed to believe you’ve been celibate for nine months? You boasted about being with other women when you…” Split up with her. “Why am I doing this? I’m leaving.” Reliving what he’d said on the night they broke up only brought the truth to the forefront. What they’d had was no more.
Spinning around she sought the door, but didn’t get two steps when he snatched her up from the floor. She kicked, and shouted, but he didn’t pay any attention, he threw her to the bed, and was on top of her before she could get up.
“God damn it, Kadie,” he roared.
“Don’t use my name,” she whispered, going limp when he pinned her wrists with his fists. Using the fake name protected her from more than just having her past uncovered.
“The room’s clean,” he said. “I checked it myself. I have the compact scanner in my—”
“No,” she said. This wasn’t about who was listening, this was about how she could look at herself in the mirror while she was here. “I don’t want to be her, here in this place. I…” Kadie needed distance, something that put a line between the real her and the things she’d witnessed here in this horrible place.
Some of his anger waned, but not all of it. “How long have you been here? Why did you leave home?”
Fighting his questions was getting too hard, she wasn’t strong enough to stand up against so many people at once. Tuck was supposed to be safe, he was supposed to be a sanctuary. Exhaustion made her heart beat slower until she could only whisper. “When this is over, when you’ve got what you want, you’ll leave me. Please don’t ask me to lose you again.”
Honesty had always been her go-to position and lying didn’t come easily, that’s why it was easier for her to keep secrets than make something up. Tuck was stronger and she had to concede that he’d win, he wouldn’t give up until he knew everything he wanted to. Before she surrendered, she had to beg for his mercy, to reveal her fears, and hope he’d be gentle when he walked away.
Her pain reflected in his eyes and she saw the truth of how deep this man was in her psyche. Tuck might have walked away from her, but her existence was still on pause, waiting for him to return to her so it could resume. Their paths had crossed, sort of by accident, either fate wanted them together or it wanted to play a last cruel joke by tearing them apart once more.
“I wasn’t s
erious about the other women,” he said, soothing her. “I said it to hurt you, because I thought if you hated me it would be easier for you to move on. I only wanted your happiness, that’s all I ever wanted.”
The masks fell away and they became each other’s again. Truth, vulnerability, it was what he needed from her before he’d give it back. Despite his strength, he needed her reassurance, needed her commitment. Someone had to take the first steps back to trust, Kadie wasn’t strong enough to resist. “I was happy with you.”
“No, you weren’t,” he said. “You said it yourself.” After having sex in the office, she’d told him that they couldn’t keep doing this. That hadn’t meant she wasn’t happy or that she wanted their relationship to be over. “I thought it was what you wanted, to be free of me.”
Nothing could be further from the truth. The only time she ever felt free was when he was with her. “I was never under any illusions,” she said, part of Tuck’s allure was his adventurous, fearless nature. “I knew our life together wouldn’t be the picture perfect fairy tale.”
“That’s what you deserve,” he said. “You deserve perfection.”
“Perfection doesn’t exist and I don’t know what you think that would look like for me. I wanted you to let me in. Marriage and kids, without ever knowing what you did every day, would never have worked. And a dozen children ruining our sex life? That life would bore me, I thought you knew me well enough to know—”
“The things that you don’t know about me, Toots. It could be too much for you to hear,” he said.
Except, how would they ever know unless he trusted her? Protecting her was an excuse. Nothing would make her turn him over to the authorities, but maybe he didn’t know that. If this Raven guy was a killer, it stood to reason that Tuck could be too, maybe this Swallow woman was a murderer as well. Keeping her in the dark protected their liberty.
“This has been a bad year. I can’t let you back in unless you tell me what you’ve been through.” She wasn’t getting through to him. “I want to let you back in, Hotshot.”
Instead of being forthcoming, he deflected. “I don’t understand why Dempsey would let you go off alone. Why he would let you walk away from the company. He was supposed to look out for you like he always did, why did he let you leave now? Is he looking for you?”
She shook her head. “No, he thinks I’m safe.”
Accusing him of double standards became ridiculous when she realized she was as reluctant to confess her mistakes as he seemed to be. Sharing the adoration that they did, or that they had, gave them something valuable to lose. If she told Tuck the truth he would probably feel betrayed and he’d be mad as hell. The last thing she wanted was to see him lose respect for her.
“You’re anything but safe,” Tuck said. “You’re supposed to have someone looking out for you.”
And just like he’d said about setting up the business to keep her occupied, he made her feel two inches tall. Being coddled didn’t make her feel valued, not anymore, it made her feel weak. Resentment for the idea that she might be unable to look after herself built. Yes, she’d made mistakes, everyone did, but she’d fought on, she hadn’t given up.
If either of them could be accused of quitting, it was him. Tuck hadn’t fought for her or their relationship. The minute things got tough, he bailed.
“I do have someone looking out for me,” she said. “You.”
Because the only way her cousin would let her venture into the world on her own was if he thought she had her capable lover with her.
“I’m here now,” he said. “But for the last year—”She shook her head. “What?”
“We left together,” she said, watching her finger trace the neck of his tee shirt because she couldn’t look him in the eye.
While he was scowling at her, she didn’t want to reveal that she’d lied. “I don’t—”
“Dempsey thinks we left together. I didn’t tell him that we did, but he assumed when I left that I was going with you.”
FOURTEEN
Her finger stopped, and her head fell back to the bed when she noticed he was in the midst of one of his crashes. Closing her eyes to fully appreciate his weight on her, Kadie needed the chance to regroup too and understood the virtue of shutting down her senses to just process.
Tuck hadn’t been a part of her life a few days ago and now he was back. Not only was he back, but he was lying on top of her, in a bed. It didn’t take them long to return to old habits. Griping at each other, vying for power, and being unable to resist the magnetic pull of their bodies, they’d always been this way.
Feelings or not, love or not, it was possible that they just didn’t know how to be around each other without being sexually involved. Choosing to dismiss that idea, Kadie couldn’t believe that this was just learned behavior when it felt so good to have the anchoring weight of the only man she’d ever loved with her now. Try as she might to hate him for walking away from her, this was the sole person who had the ability to refocus her.
One blink brought him back to her and she tried not to tense because if he was mad, the blow out could be epic. “You didn’t tell them what happened at the birthday party?” She shook her head again. “They think we’re together.”
She couldn’t work out if he was pissed off or just incredulous. It wasn’t exactly a direct lie, she’d just failed to be completely honest. His indignation was tougher to swallow because he lived a life filled with half-truths. Being judgmental of her reluctance to confess she’d just been dumped was more than a little bit rich. “Is that so unbelievable?”
“Are you stupid?” he barked.
Intense, immediate anger jolted her. Expecting a comment on her deceiving Dempsey when she prided herself on always being honest, she didn’t expect him to berate her. Arguing was their forte, and she wasn’t going to back down and let him feel superior. If anyone should be judged for making stupid, snap decisions, it should be him.
“In comparison to you—”
“No,” he said, leaping from the bed. “You don’t do that! What if something had happened? What if you needed me? You needed them? What would you have done…? Wait, this… is this, here, your idea of getting yourself out of trouble?”
“I don’t need you,” she replied. “And, I don’t need Dempsey.”
“Everyone needs someone.”
“You don’t.”
What was becoming obvious to her was that Tuck did actually have a support system, she just hadn’t been a part of it. While she’d thought herself the most important person in his life, as the woman he loved, she saw now that she was just incidental. A warm body that he could call his.
Sitting up, she watched him turn back to her. Fury wasn’t the only emotion surging through him. Shouting at her wasn’t about getting her into trouble, it wasn’t about feeling superior either. His concern was for her safety.
Something could have happened to her and Tuck would never have known. One day, probably far in the future, the two men, Tuck and Dempsey, may have met each other, maybe by accident. It would only have been then that they’d have realized her deception. By then, it could’ve been too late.
“I had you. I thought you were at home. I thought you were safe—that’s what I fight for.”
So he had considered her integral to his life. Raven and Swallow, they were his colleagues, his friends, but she had been his lover. Despite his assertions that he hadn’t gone without sex while they were apart, Kadie couldn’t bring herself to believe that he’d been unfaithful when they were together.
In light of the dangerous things she’d discovered he did, it flattered her to consider that she might have gotten him through, that she might have entered his mind and given him something to keep fighting for. “You thought about me?”
“Every second of the day,” he said at the end of his rope. “You know that.”
Beseeching her with his narrowed eyes, she wanted to believe that and saw how it hurt him that she might have doubted it. Tuck h
ad made assumptions. She could understand that it was hard to keep track of what she knew and what she deduced from when he came home and when he left again. But he knew everything, she didn’t. Tuck wanted to believe that she understood the depth of his love, how he depended on her, but because he’d never told her, she couldn’t have ever known.
“How could I know that?” she asked. This had to be the break-through moment where he realized honesty was going to bring them together.
He couldn’t protect her forever if he wanted them to be connected on every level. They were too old now for games and going with the flow. He had to decide if he wanted her in his life and if he did, it would have to be all the way. Kadie would have to learn about his past, and she may hear things that she didn’t like. Once the stories were told, they’d have to decide to be together or walk away for good.
“What if I’d needed you,” he said. “What if I had come home and you weren’t there?”
She doubted he knew how revealing his question was, but it confirmed what she’d thought about being a motivator for him. “You’d have told Demps the truth and you could all blame me.” Because that’s exactly what would’ve happened if he’d gone home to find her gone. The first thing Dempsey would’ve asked was where she was.
“I’d have been pissed as hell. But fuck that,” he said. “How would we have found you?”
“I left thinking that I could find you,” she said. “I thought if we could put the pieces back together that it would be all right again, that… that we could pretend you still loved me and forget that conversation out behind Gwen’s party ever happened.”
It had been cowardice, but losing Tuck was difficult enough, the idea of standing up in front of Dempsey and telling him that her relationship was over, it broke her. Not long after coming to that conclusion, she figured out that she couldn’t go about business as usual either. Working in the offices of her former lover, in the same rooms they’d made love in, laughed in, argued in, it would’ve been impossible.
Swift (Kindred Book 4) Page 16
