But if he left…
Maybe its transience was what had infused their relationship with such magic. Their fate, perhaps, that with time as their tyrant, they would always be one step out of sync.
He was waiting in the Audi, the air conditioning cranked on this ninety-degree day and Stephanie glad she’d shaved her legs. Alex still refused to wear shorts, but at least he’d graduated to sandals and airy linen pants. She caught him looking at her legs as she slid onto the seat. “This is for you.” He picked up a small box from the console and handed it to her. His cheeks reddened. He put the car in reverse, then maneuvered out of the lot, focused on the road.
Oh no. Now it’s a date. Stephanie opened the lid. Inside laid a round, antique silver pendant on a matching chain. The pendant read:
If there ever comes a day when we can’t be together, keep me in your heart.
I’ll stay there forever.
“Oh,” she whispered. Tears pricked her eyes. “Oh, Alex.”
“Just in case…” He shook his head. Bit his lip. A palpable melancholy emanated from every word, every gesture. “Never mind.”
In case we never see each other again?
When they arrived at the Japanese Garden, he opened the car door for her as usual. He offered his hand, then withdrew it, pretending to rub an unseen spot on the hem of his T-shirt. He wouldn’t be caught dead looking less than impeccable.
Best to keep physical contact to a minimum. I still don’t know what he’s hiding, and I can’t hurt like that again.
“Are you okay?” he asked as they navigated a path of striated, blue kishū-ishi stone, past granite lanterns and through a Shinto gate. They sat on a granite bench facing Mirror Lake, which reflected its verdant surroundings of Japanese maples, pines, and cherry trees. Ornamental bridges connected three small islands to the mainland. “You seem a little…I don’t know, apprehensive? Compared to yesterday.”
He always knew what she was feeling and thinking. What if she couldn’t connect like that with anyone else?
“I’m making you uncomfortable.” A sad smile darkened his face. He scuffed his cane against the stone. “Seems to be the only thing I’ve ever been good at.”
“Alex, it’s—no. I just don’t know where we are right now. Or where we’re supposed to be. What you were expecting. What I was expecting. Anything.”
“I’m always complicating things for you.”
“No, it’s not that. I guess I’m still a little overwhelmed that you’re here.” She submitted to the Zen-like peace such a garden was meant to inspire. She wished for something to dispel his sadness, helpless to do so herself until she knew its cause. Maybe she could do nothing at all. She stole a glance at him. All the old doubts began to creep back in, how a man like Alex could be so devoted to her. And who could live up to that kind of love?
After a moment’s hesitation, she laid her hand over his and gave it a comforting squeeze. This vulnerable, forlorn man was not the one she’d fled. Something terrible had happened; that he wouldn’t tell her meant it was worse than she’d imagined.
It lasted only a second or two, but the smile that graced his lips was real. “I can’t wait to see you play,” he said. “It’s been so long.”
“Do you remember how jealous the other girls on our team were?”
Alex chuckled. “I was already so in love with you.” He sidled closer, tipping his head as he twined his fingers in her hair.
Though it took all of her resolve, she shied away. “I don’t know if I’m ready, Alex.”
His hand flopped into his lap. His head drooped, and he swallowed hard. Nodded. “Okay.”
“Every time we’re together, I feel like something is going to tear us apart again. I don’t want to continue making promises we can’t keep. I need some kind of assurance, you know?”
He folded his hands in his lap and watched the lake. Bittersweet birdsong filled the silence. “If you’re happy now,” he said, “if you’ve started to move on, please tell me to go back. And I won’t bother you anymore.”
“Does it always have to be all or nothing?”
“What do you mean?”
“Either we’re together or we have no relationship at all.”
“I don’t know how else to be around you. I don’t know if I could be just friends. Especially if you…I mean, I want that for you. To be happy. More than anything. I just hoped I would be the one to do it.”
“Alex, I think you’re getting ahead of yourself.”
He leaned forward and plucked something from the loamy soil. “Hold out your hands,” he said and placed in them a small branch with a cluster of light blue flowers. “Forget-me-nots. True and faithful love. Memories.”
“Why are you so sure we’re not going to make more?”
He surveyed the lake. His eyes glimmered with tears. “Because when I tell you what I need to, it’ll change the way you see me. The way you feel about me. Although I suppose I’ve done that already.”
“Nothing can be that bad.”
“What if it’s worse than what made you leave?”
Stephanie tucked the flower stem behind her ear. “Whatever we are, whatever we will be, I don’t want to lose you again. I have too many times already.” She closed her hands around his. “A best friend is the person you value above all other friends. Someone you trust. You are my best friend, Alex. You always have been.”
His chin wobbled. He gazed at the sky in an attempt to regain his poise.
“Are you—are we—okay?”
“Da.” Alex offered a somber smile as he fingered the pendant. He fixed a sweet kiss to her cheek. “If that’s what you need, that’s what I’ll be.”
***
Aleksandr
Alex changed into jeans and a raglan Henley, then stuck a baseball cap on his head. Struck with inspiration, he stopped at a drugstore on the way to the rink for a Sharpie and a piece of poster board. He had somehow forgotten to ask her number but once parked, he drew on the board:
GO STEPHANIE!!!
Your Biggest Fan
He rode the elevator to the sixth floor. The place had opened two years into his career with the Gladiators, and he’d trained on that floor until his trade. Rink two lay on the north end and held a fraction of rink one’s capacity, the latter hosting both an OJHL team and a Division I NCAA team. He passed the concession stand and chose a seat right behind the glass, center ice, pursued by whispers: “It’s Aleksandr Volynsky! Volynsky is here!”
On either side of him, the teams emerged from the locker rooms and onto the ice for warmup. There she was.
Wearing number nineteen.
Synchronicity. Meaningful coincidence.
He pressed the sign to the glass. Stephanie whooshed around the rink, slowing as she approached. She scanned the words, and a smile lit her face. She laid a glove on the glass and stared up at him. He placed his hand over it.
“I love you” danced on his lips, but he uttered “Good luck” instead, and she skated away.
***
Stephanie
“Tell me I’m imagining that.” Jessica kept pace at Stephanie’s side. “Tell me that’s not Aleksandr Volynsky.”
“Oh, it’s him all right.”
“What is he—Oh my God, he made a sign for you. Wait. Nineteen was his number, wasn’t it? That’s why you freaked out. Were you two…?”
“We were.” And she couldn’t stand that they weren’t. Everything had gone sideways.
“I knew you had a story to tell! Wow. So what is he doing here?”
“To be honest, I’m not sure. We hadn’t seen each other in six months, had barely spoken, and then out of nowhere he showed up at my office on Friday afternoon.”
“Looks like you’re going to have another interesting story.”
“With Alex, no doubt it will be.”
But the writing of it would have to wait. She played her game as she had the past two months, heedless of the small crowd and the distressing awareness of her
personal cheerleader. No checking, no fighting. No penalties. No stupid mistakes just because her superstar ex-boyfriend happened to be attending. Perhaps motivated by the presence she was trying to disregard, she put on a shot-blocking clinic she’d regret tomorrow, when bruises would cover her from knees to ankles. Already she could feel the contusions blossoming like a field of morning glories. The opposing center slashed Stephanie’s stick in frustration.
Her heartbeat ticked down the third period’s final few minutes as she quarterbacked the power play. After a cycle failed to produce a goal, and with an utter lack of desire to play overtime, she ripped a shot from the point and hoped for the best. The puck sailed through an opening between her center and a rival defenseman, past the goalie her left-winger was screening, and into the back of the net. Jessica was the first to hug her and bump helmets, but the loudest cheer by far was from Alex, his arms in the air.
They held on to their lead for the win. After a brief on-ice celebration, she and Jessica retreated to the women’s locker room, where Stephanie shed her equipment before hitting the shower.
“Big plans tonight?” Jessica asked.
Stephanie pushed her hair back, savoring the caress of hot water on her aching, bruised body. “I could use a bath.”
“You were a machine out there. Trying to impress someone?”
“Not intentionally. Do you want to meet him? If you haven’t before.”
“You’re so nonchalant.” Jessica laughed and shook her head. “The best hockey player in a decade is following you around like a puppy, and you’re just, ‘whatever.’”
Stephanie shut off the water and grabbed her towel. “I’ve known Alex a long time. Before all of…this. We’ve been through a lot, and I…” She sighed, her wet feet slapping the tiles as she walked back to her locker.
“I didn’t mean to pry. It’s not my business.”
“No, it’s okay. We have a very complicated relationship is all.” She dressed in jeans and her new league T-shirt, tied her sneakers, and slung her bag over her shoulder. “Is that a potential issue, that I’ve had a relationship with him?”
“He’s not a Gladiator anymore. And it’s not like you’re married to the guy.”
In a different life, maybe. Stephanie grasped her stick. “Come on, I’ll introduce you.”
Alex stood in the west lobby, signing autographs. He caught her gaze, smiled, and raised one finger.
“He looks at you like he’s never seen another woman in his life,” Jessica said.
I know.
“It’s been a couple years since I’ve seen him in person. Did he somehow get even hotter?”
Stephanie laughed. “He does seem to have that gift.”
“Thank you so much, guys. Excuse me.” Alex limped toward them, his free hand already outstretched, the Henley clinging to his muscles and its undone buttons exposing a glimpse of chest hair. She yanked her stare away before he noticed. “Hello.”
“Alex, this is Jessica. Jessica, Aleksandr.”
“Good to meet you,” he said. “Please, call me Sasha.”
“The pleasure is mine. How’s your foot?”
He prodded it with the cane. “Getting there. Thanks for asking.”
“Well—” Jessica tapped her phone screen “—my husband is already downstairs. It was great to meet you, Sasha.”
“Likewise. Take care.”
Jessica waved and headed into the elevator.
“She works for SWN. She’s the one who approached me about the co-hosting job.”
“Oh! And you play together. That’s a good thing, da?”
“Hope so.”
“So look at you, winning games and stuff.” He bumped her shoulder. “Nice number.”
“Crazy, right? Let me drop this stuff off in my car, and then we can go for a walk. If you’re up to it.”
“I’d like that.”
They stepped into the back of the elevator and stood side by side as others filed in, each face illuminating with recognition of the tall and striking man inside. Alex curled his pinkie around hers. Her heart thrashed against her breastbone.
She hung on.
***
Aleksandr
They stood on the pedestrian bridge spanning the water that in winter transformed into an ice rink. Streetlamps cast a tranquil glow over the walking path and green spaces below as an uncomfortable silence mushroomed between them. Alex’s tendons, wanting to call it a night, protested. He shifted his weight to his left foot and folded his hands on the railing.
“I think I know the answer, but I have to ask. Would you come back if I asked you to?”
Something closed off in her expression. A door slamming shut. “No, Alex. I wouldn’t.”
“Ya durak,” he murmured. He lowered his head and swallowed around the lump in his throat. “I’m sorry. It was a stupid question.”
“I’m happy here. My career is finally going in the right direction. And I’ll never again sacrifice my own happiness for someone else. No one should. Including you.”
Alex gazed at the clear, star-dappled sky. He picked out the faint pattern of Aries, his sign, feeble even at its brightest in December. Spontaneous, adventurous, a fire sign needing a true companion, a best friend to balance him. Stephanie’s, Pisces, was yet harder to see. Adaptable, resilient, emotional, often torn between two life paths. “I don’t have anything left to sacrifice.”
Stephanie scooted closer to him, shoulder to shoulder. “What’s going on in that head of yours?”
He swiped a hand over his face. He was so tired. Too drained to maintain the pretense anymore. “I want to come home.”
“You are home. If you want to be.” Stephanie laid her hand over his and fit her fingers between the spaces.
His heart thundered as though it meant to finish the job the pills and booze hadn’t. A meteor streaked through the sky. He made a wish.
“Do you still love me?” he asked, not sure he’d meant to say it aloud. An impulsive, desperate question. Would she love him when she knew what he’d done? All the things he wasn’t anymore, and never was.
“Do you think I don’t?”
“I don’t know what to think.”
Her eyes softened. The pain in them had departed at some point, clearing a path to the future. If only he hadn’t laid a fatal obstruction in their way. “I left because I love you, not because I didn’t. I’ll always love you, Alex. And sometimes that terrifies me.”
Terrified, and she did not know the worst of it.
They walked back to the parking lot, his hand in hers. A chill skittered over his skin, as though her ghost had passed through him and he was reliving what was already a memory.
By this time tomorrow, it wouldn’t matter anyway.
***
Stephanie
The lot had long since emptied, and under normal circumstances, Stephanie would not have loitered. However, she and Alex were having a difficult time saying good night. They had even engaged in the small talk he hated in order to postpone their good-bye.
“Thank you for coming to my game,” she said. “And thanks for the sign. That was very cute.”
“Thank you for inviting me.” Alex stuck his hands in his pockets. “So…call me when you get home from work tomorrow. It’s time I told you everything.” He scuffed the heel of his sneaker on the asphalt. “If you do still love me, please don’t stop because of what I tell you.”
“Do you trust me?”
A bit of the old impudence adorned his smile. “It’s hard for me to trust people.”
“Touché.” Stephanie brushed a lock of hair from his forehead. “Alex, I’m your friend. At the very least.”
“I guess that will have to do for now. I don’t deserve more than that anyway.”
“Don’t say that.” She threw her arms around his neck in an impetuous hug. Masculine and sensuous cologne, worn with the aim of seducing her whether he’d intended to or not, suffused his skin. “It’ll be okay. I promise.”
> He stiffened before returning the embrace. “You don’t know what you’re promising.” Alex withdrew and, cupping her face, stroked his thumb over her cheekbone. “But thank you.”
“Alex…”
He tilted her chin. “Sweet dreams, Stefania.” He kissed the corner of her mouth.
“Wait,” she whispered.
But he was limping across the lot into the shadows.
***
Meaningful coincidence.
Stephanie set her phone on the nightstand, shed her clothes, and examined her legs. Discolored, but they’d heal before the next game. Too late for a bath. She put her pajamas on and crossed the room to the closet to dig through sweaters, spare blankets, and other cold-weather items until she located the box stashed out of sight on the top shelf. Stephanie sat on the bed, her phone beside her, debating despite the late hour whether to call Brandon. Someone to ground her. Alex was doing it again, carrying her over the threshold of their lovely little dream world.
On cue, her phone lit up. The picture from yesterday, a diffuse halo of gold-and-orange light behind them as they jammed their tongues into ice cream cones.
The phone buzzed again.
Thank you for the past two days.
She texted back:
The week isn’t over yet.
He did not respond.
She removed the ring from the box and cupped it in her palm. A promise, but the promise went both ways. He needed her faith in him.
She slid it onto her left ring finger.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Aleksandr
Alex stood at the floor-to-ceiling windows, surveying the cityscape as dread cinched his heart. He’d spent most of the day before Stephanie’s arrival holed up in the suite, tormented by anxiety and throwing up until only bile remained. Stephanie was sitting in one of the upholstered chairs on either side of him, too close and too far away all at once.
Firebird (The Firebird Trilogy #1) Page 27
