‘What’s wrong? It was there the other day. I remember hanging it up for you,’ I add, calmly.
‘But it’s not here now! Mum, has Hettie borrowed it?’ Her eyes blaze, ready to accuse, and I shake my head.
‘I don’t know, I wasn’t here. Remember? Hettie is in the bathroom. I’ll check with her in a moment,’ I reply. It’s funny that here we are, once more, and it feels like I never left. What happened was merely a dream, a little interlude that is totally unrelated to real life.
Rosie opens and shuts cupboard doors, rifling through the tightly packed garments in search of the missing item.
‘You really need to sort out your clothes, Rosie. There’s so much in here that you never wear, darling. It would make finding things a lot easier.’ I add, gently. I can feel she’s about to explode, the novelty of having her mum home already a thing of the past. I swallow the remainder of my extra-strong coffee in a few gulps, set down the cup and help sort through the rails.
‘Here it is!’ Almost instantly I rescue it from its hiding place between her cuddly fake fur jacket and her dressing down. ‘It was pushed to the back, but in the same place as when I hung it up before I left. You must have pulled your jacket out and it became squashed towards the back of the cupboard. I think you owe your sister an apology when she surfaces.’
Rosie spins around, gives me a quick hug and dashes into the ensuite.
‘Thanks Mum, you’re a star,’ she shouts over her shoulder.
I begin tidying some of the things she pulled out in her search. As I close the wardrobe doors I catch sight of myself in the mirrored front and run my hands through my hair. I looked tired, drawn, even, and I realise I failed to take off my mascara properly in my haste to drop into bed last night. Tiredness meant a quick slosh of water over the basin and the merest slick of moisturising cream before sliding between the sheets. I wipe away the black residue pooling beneath both eyes, like wayward eyeliner, with a tissue. I notice that I still look the same; nothing has changed, even though inside I feel a little different. Jet-lagged maybe. Yes, it’s definitely jet-lag.
‘You’ve welcome,’ I shout back, over the noise of the shower. In my head I’m thinking about what Josh said as he cuddled into my back last night.
‘At last. I was getting worried,’ he’d murmured. His hand had brushed against my thigh, gently moving upwards, to curl around my waist. ‘Glad you’re home.’
He’d pressed his body against mine and his skin had been cool to the touch. Within seconds his breathing became slow and rhythmic, relief that I was safely home, allowing him to relax once more.
I assumed he had fallen asleep, when his hand had moved up, exploring. I’d turned over and laughed quietly at him.
‘Go to sleep, I’m shattered. You must be tired, too, you’re fighting it – I can tell!’
‘Okay, I give in. Was the trip a success?’ He’d pulled me closer against his chest. There was a sudden waft of shower gel and deodorant, a weird mix of citrus and something with a smoky quality to it.
‘Fine, nerve-wracking, but fine,’ I’d spoken softly, not wanting to awaken the girls, or rouse Josh from his semi-sleepy state.
‘Thought you’d run away,’ his voice had been barely audible as his breathing became more laboured. Run away? A chill strikes at my heart, wondering if Josh has picked up on the mess of emotions running through my head. Can he sense that something in me has changed in a way even I can’t understand?
‘Never,’ I’d replied so softly I doubt he would have heard it, even if he hadn’t been gently snoring.
But I lay there for a long time afterwards and all I could think about were those mysterious, twinkling hazel eyes and the touch that had been like an electric shock. I know you, Max, but how can I? As my own breathing deepened, the thoughts swirling around in my head were refusing to leave me alone. I snuggled closer to my loving husband, not sure if it was for comfort, or out of guilt. I only knew that I could never do anything to put what we have together at risk.
Rosie reappears, disturbing my thoughts, to give me a quick hug before we make our way downstairs.
‘It is nice to have you home again. Did Dad tell you I missed you?’
Before I have time to answer we’ve sauntered into the kitchen and that one simple act makes me feel that everything in my world is as it should be. Whatever I need to make me happy is here, right now.
‘Tea or coffee, ladeez?’ Josh sports his best smile. Hettie points in the direction of the jug of orange juice, her mouth full of toast and marmalade.
‘I’m starving,’ Rosie says, grabbing some toast and taking a big bite. ‘You home today, Mum?’
I nod, swallowing to clear a mouthful of food and thinking how wonderful something simple like buttered toast can taste. ‘I’m back in tomorrow. Livvie left a message and now the new contract is in place, she wants me to choose the pieces for the first consignment.’
‘Wow, Mum, good for you! Another job title to add to the list.’ Hettie makes it sound grand, but it’s common sense for me to place the first order, having seen the goods first–hand.
‘Will this mean a pay rise?’ Josh enquires cheekily, but no doubt thinking about the fact that my car isn’t going to last forever. With over a hundred thousand miles on the clock, it’s past its best and we could look forward to a future of unknown garage bills.
I raise my eyebrows at him and he receives the message loud and clear. I can only take this one step at a time and my future depends upon what is happening in Livvie’s life. I’m happy with the way things are, if I’m honest, although a little extra income would be nice. As for the future, well, who knows? Maybe one day I could be a clone of Livvie’s, jetting here, there and everywhere. I almost laugh out loud at the ridiculousness of that transient thought.
‘Time to go, girls. And by the look of it, I think Mum should head back to bed. You look shattered, Ellie. Cute, but shattered.’
Both Hettie and Rosie roll their eyes as they jump up to grab bags and coats.
‘Bye, Mum. It really is nice to have you home.’ Rosie kisses my cheek and gives me a bear hug. Hettie is much more reserved, leaning in for a quick kiss before turning away, but unable to hide the big smile on her face. It’s not easy being fifteen years old and having raging hormones while trying to remain fashionably aloof.
‘Is it nice to have me home, Hettie?’
Another roll of the eyes. ‘Okay, I missed you. You don’t have to be so needy.’
I’m not even sure that’s English, but it will do.
‘Have a good day, people.’
‘See you later, alligator.’ Josh homes in for a lingering kiss and a hug. ‘Get some rest. That’s an order.’
‘In a while, crocodile.’
The silence after they’ve left is heavy. One moment the room is full of life and the next it’s so quiet the silence almost has a vibration, a silent noise level.
I walk over to my handbag and pull out the book I bought at the airport. I’m halfway through it, but I’ve marked two sections with a torn strip from a flyer. I flip it open on the first marker and read the paragraph I highlighted in the coffee shop.
Have you experienced a sense of déjà vu, a recurring dream that plays out like a story? Or are obsessed with a place, time in history, or person, for no obvious reason?
Even unexplained phobias and pain that seem not to have an identifiable cause can be due to a link to a past life.
Something stirs in the pit of my stomach. Unease, maybe, rather than a fear of the unknown. But isn’t that thought rather chilling? Now I’m home everything seems to have slotted back into place rather nicely. I had an interlude where anxiety took my emotions on a rollercoaster ride. Max’s story is little short of a tragedy for all involved, but that’s the whole point. It’s a tragedy for those involved – and that doesn’t include me. This innate instinct I have to be empathetic to other people’s problems went into overdrive for a while there, that’s all.
But after show
ering and dressing I’m still feeling a little disjointed about the whole thing. What I need is another person’s perspective and I grab my phone and dial.
‘Aunt Clare, it’s Ellie. How are you?’
‘Not as well as you. Are you pink and glowing, or just sickeningly lightly bronzed?’
Of course Josh would have phoned and told her where I was as she’s the only one he’s ever been comfortable talking with when I’m not around. She took Mum’s place without realising she was filling her sister’s shoes. Our loss hit Josh as hard as it did the girls and me. Mum was our rock and we knew life was never going to be quite the same again. Aunt Clare is reliable, discreet and a great listener. But she also has this unique way of looking at things and that’s so totally opposite to my mum. I find myself laughing.
‘What’s funny?’
‘I just realised that we can’t sidestep what’s passed on in our genes. And, yes, I do have a bit of a sun-kissed glow. But it was work and I was inside more than I was outside enjoying the sunshine. I was wondering if we could meet up for coffee and a chat.’
‘Well, I’m just on my way out as I have to pick up some dry-cleaning. If you are home all day I could pop round this afternoon after I’ve finished my errands.’
‘Perfect, you’re a star! It will be nice to catch up. And I wanted your opinion on something.’
‘Ooh, now I’m intrigued.’
‘Well, I think you might be surprised. Looking forward to it, bye.’ Actually, surprised might be a bit of an understatement.
Chapter 15
‘Wow, that’s not quite what I was expecting to talk about. Past-life regression, you say? Can’t say I’ve ever given it any thought and I certainly don’t know anyone who has ventured down that road. How do they do it? Hypnotherapy, I assume?’
I toy with the cake on the plate in front of me as Aunt Clare doesn’t shift her gaze from my face. This isn’t an easy topic to raise, that’s for sure.
‘It’s just that I’m reading this book and finding it very interesting. Who knows what happened in the past, or if this sort of thing is real? But a lot of what I’ve read so far seems to make a lot of sense. You know, the unexplained things that happen in life.’
Aunt Clare downs her fork. ‘Really? Sense, you say? Give me an example.’
I shift around on my chair, feeling decidedly uncomfortable.
‘Have you ever been somewhere for the first time and experienced an unexpected and, maybe even an unwelcome, sense of familiarity?’
Now Aunt Clare is staring at me without blinking.
‘What on earth happened in Italy? I think this is something you need to share, lovely, as clearly it’s set you on edge. It’s not like you to go all new-age on me. You know what I’m like. If I can’t see or touch it, then it ain’t real to me. But that doesn’t mean to say I don’t have a healthy dose of respect for people who do believe in the esoteric.’
‘Isn’t that a bit like having your cake and eating it? I mean, either you believe or you don’t.’
Aunt Clare shrugs her shoulders as another cube of cake disappears into her mouth.
‘If it were that simple it wouldn’t be one of the most fiercely debated topics of all time, now would it?’
I push away the plate in front of me, my appetite having suddenly disappeared. I can’t mention Max, or his situation. Not that there’s anything to hide, of course, but what he told me was in confidence.
‘Let me approach this from a different angle. When a person goes somewhere for the first time everything is an unknown. The scenery, the people and the way they live their lives. It takes a while to adjust, especially when what you are experiencing bears no resemblance whatsoever to your own day-to-day life.’
I stop, trying to judge whether she’s still with me.
‘Agreed.’ More cake disappears.
‘I’d never even heard of the Italian town of Castrovillari until Livvie’s plans suddenly changed and I ended up taking her place. Up until that point all she’d mentioned was that she was due to fly out to southern Italy.’
Aunt Clare places her fork down on the empty plate. ‘Nothing strange there, I’ve never heard of it, either.’
‘But from the moment I arrived everything seemed, well, vaguely familiar.’
I’m beginning to feel exasperated as I’m trying to put the impossible into words.
Aunt Clare’s face looks blank and then she starts speaking. ‘Blues skies, tall trees, colourful shrubs; a few mountains, obviously. Am I right?’
I nod.
‘You need to travel more, lovely. That could describe hundreds of holiday destinations around the world. I know this wasn’t a holiday, but it’s the same feeling. That foreign, exciting and yet-to-be discovered adventure.’
‘Did you miss the vaguely familiar bit I do believe I mentioned?’
She frowns. ‘As in vaguely familiar from the last time you went abroad? Wasn’t that Spain, the year before last?’
The image of Max’s face appears in my head.
‘No. I mean Castrovillari itself.’
‘You recognised the villa? Perhaps you’ve seen something similar in a TV ad during the holiday season.’
I sigh. ‘No, I’ve never seen the actual villa before. But it welcomed me, as if I was going back to a place that I didn’t instantly recognise, because I hadn’t been there for a very long time. It was welcoming me back and giving me a sense of belonging. I didn’t feel like a stranger in a foreign place at all.’
Did I really just say that out loud? Aunt Clare shoots me a concerned look.
‘Then I’m not really surprised you’re reading … what is that, oh, a true story of past-life regression. Which came first, your experience or reading the book?’
‘Aunt Clare!’
She holds up her hands. ‘Sorry, I am trying to take this seriously, really I am. But I’ve never heard you talking like this before, Ellie. Talking in riddles—’
‘There were people there who my instincts were telling me I knew well, not just some vague look-alike feeling that you can’t quite put your finger on. The connection was real and I know I sound totally mad saying that. You’re the only person I can talk to about this, but when I started reading this book it made me feel worse. I seem to be suffering from the classic symptoms of something it refers to as triggered recall.’ It’s mostly true, except for the word ‘people’ substitute the name Max.
‘If you want my honest opinion, then I don’t think it’s madness, it’s just unusual. Most of us have experienced that “I’ve done this before” feeling. But what you are saying, if I’m interpreting you correctly, is that you sensed that your feelings ran a little deeper on this occasion. Perhaps we do have multiple lives, who knows? Personally I think that’s a rather depressing thought. I sort of hoped the place we went to after this life was easier to contend with. I think I will have earned a rest after the life I’ve had.’
We stare at each other uneasily. She’s right, of course. That’s the hope, but what of the reality?
‘It doesn’t mention parallel universes, does it? I seem to remember reading about that when I was going through my arrogant teen years. I was convinced I wasn’t really a part of the family as I had this constant desire not to conform. And you know what your mum was like, as near to darned perfect as you can get. Having established it was unlikely I was from a parallel universe, I reluctantly accepted it was time to do the smart thing and dampen down my outlandish behaviour,’ she confesses with a smile.
At last! Whacky, but then that’s Aunt Clare. She has this amazing talent for thinking outside the box and considering the alternatives. She’s also what I affectionately refer to as unshockable, although I’m not even sure that’s a real word.
‘Is there a point to all this?’ The frown is back.
‘Only that I’m wondering why me, I suppose. It just leaves me feeling as if I’ve walked away leaving things up in the air. Like a task only half-completed.’
She catches
my eye and we both burst out laughing.
‘Please don’t mention this to anyone, promise! I’m sure I’ll get over it and shake off the feeling,’ I say.
‘Don’t worry; no one would believe me, anyway.’
So Aunt Clare isn’t dismissing this out of hand.
‘I wonder what Mum’s reaction would have been? Something along the lines of, “Darling, are you coming down with something?” I think.’
Aunt Clare smiles. ‘Sleep on it, Ellie. Some of the real mysteries of life aren’t meant to be solved. I’ll always have a sceptical side to me, but that doesn’t stop me believing in some sort of divine intervention that throws us a clue here and there along life’s path. Now whether we choose to act upon those pointers is entirely another matter. But I rather suspect you were just a little bit outside your comfort zone. Stress can do funny things, you know. It can upset the balance of the body and mind, and then all sorts of signals get messed up. I don’t think you need to worry about past lives or hidden meanings here.’
‘I really needed to hear that, thank you. My moment of meltdown is over and you are right, I was way outside my comfort zone. You know me, I’m a worrier and I guess some sort of reaction was normal.’
‘No one in our family has ever been normal, lovely. Uniquely interesting is the term I prefer to use.’
The saying ‘a problem shared is a problem halved’ holds a lot of truth. After Aunt Clare left I went straight onto the internet and read a few articles about the effects when stress hormones are released. Seems a chemical reaction can cause all sorts of weird things to happen. The thing is, I’m convinced it wasn’t merely my vivid imagination. What I experienced was real, it just didn’t mean anything. The sense of relief is intense and I immediately hide the book away at the back of the bookcase, so I’m not tempted to pick it up again. It’s probably very good for people who are having real experiences, but a little worrying for someone in full-on panic mode.
The Secrets of Villa Rosso Page 9
