~
‘There’s a chill in the air tonight.’ Max slips off his jacket and places it around my shoulders. We’re on the terrace, sitting at our usual table. The glow of the candlelight creates little flickers of shadow on his face.
‘I welcome the breeze, it’s been hot today.’
Our fingertips touch.
‘Max, things are moving forward. You will soon get to hold your daughter in your arms. But you do know we can’t have a life together, don’t you?’
His frowns deepens and he extends his hand to cover mine.
‘But you are the one for me, Ellie. I wasn’t grieving for the loss of Aletta, but for the emptiness in my heart. I long to see my daughter, but you, too, have given me something that was missing in my life.’
It’s like talking to a very young child who is listening to a string of words that they can’t comprehend. The words are empty of meaning.
He puts up his hand to stop me speaking.
‘Close your eyes. Please, just humour me for a few minutes. I want to take you on a little trip. Can you feel the sand beneath your feet?’
It takes a few moments, but then I wiggle my toes and I can feel it.
‘Now you can open your eyes.’
The sweeping, panoramic view of a bay fills my entire line of vision and when I look down I see the soft, white sand beneath my feet. The air is still, the crystal-clear waters stretching as far as the eye can see, shimmering like ripples on a sheet of glass.
‘It’s beautiful, Max. Where are we?’
‘Sapri. This is the Gulf of Policastro. Cicero called it “a small gem of the southern sea” and I think he was right.’
I spin around, taking in the wide promenade that is packed with bustling bars and restaurants. It’s so full of life and I feel drawn to it. Beyond that, a small town is set against the backdrop of green hills and a majestic mountain range, like dark sentinels, stationed there to protect the bay. There’s a sense of elegance to the scene in front of me.
Max clasps my hand in his and we stroll contentedly along the beach.
‘This is where I come when I want to get away from it all. I love the olive groves and the sweeping planes surrounding Castrovillari. But here I can disconnect and simply enjoy a very different sort of beauty.’
He continues to draw me away from the sounds of the people milling around, and we head out towards the water’s edge. The water laps gently as it travels further up the beach, creating little crests of turbulent white foam. Then the ebb once again drags the flow back down, with a soft whooshing sound. We stand here for a while, fascinated by the almost rhythmic sounds of the sea. It’s powerful, yet calming.
I close my eyes, struggling to let go of the moment and yet conscious that this isn’t real.
When I re-open them, I can’t stop the tears from flowing down my cheeks. It’s so hard to encourage him to seek out someone else. A part of me longs to be the one by Max’s side, the one whose face he kisses. And the person lying next to him each night. But every single fibre of my being knows it’s what I’m supposed to do. Whether I have the strength to do it, I simply don’t know.
‘It will be even more beautiful when you are here with the person you are destined to be with forever, Max. You know that person cannot be me.’
‘But you are here, now. Why can’t you simply stay?’
‘You know why, Max. People are only meant to live one life at a time, not two. This is the time for me to be with Josh, Hettie and Rosie.’
‘But I need you, too.’
‘You have to do this for me. Let me go, so you can learn to live again in the real world. Fate will take us both where we are destined to go and trying to cling onto something not meant for us won’t change a thing.’
His face looks bereft, as if he’s watching everything he so badly wants, slip away from him. It breaks my heart. But it has to be done.
Chapter 39
The hammering sound coming through the wall is beginning to grate on my nerves. For the next couple of days I’m working from home while the guys are here to knock down the wall between Rosie’s room and the guest bedroom. I remind myself that it’s going to make her one very happy young lady and it’s important that we acknowledge her growing needs.
Lack of sleep, general anxiety that never seems to wane, and the disruption to the house is extremely taxing.
An incoming message pings on my phone. It’s from Josh.
How’s it coming along?
Good. Noisy. Just stopping to make them a cup of tea.
I was thinking about a holiday. Just the two of us. Belated anniversary present. What do you think?
My body slumps as I don’t have the capacity at the moment to plan anything. Just getting through each day is a trial. Josh has great ideas, but I’m the one who makes them happen. I know he means well and that he’s concerned I need a break. I do, but not at this precise moment and not something that will be another drain on my time.
Once the house is straight again we’ll talk about it.
Great. See you later, alligator. Love you! J x
In a while, crocodile. xx
I’m going through the motions at the moment, living from day to day. Somehow I have to take back control. The doorbell chimes and I wonder if it’s a delivery of building supplies, although the guys didn’t say they were expecting anything.
When I open the door it’s Aunt Clare.
‘Have you been avoiding me?’ She launches herself inside and throws her arms around me. ‘You look awful, don’t you ever sleep?’
‘Thanks, exactly what I needed to hear, today of all days. I’m about to put the kettle on for the workers.’
Now they are sawing and I grit my teeth as I lead Aunt Clare into the kitchen, shutting the door behind us.
‘They’re working overhead, in Rosie’s room, so we might have to talk a little bit louder.’
She nods.
I prepare their tray and two mugs for us.
‘How’s the love life coming along?’ I ask. She looks amazing, the best I’ve seen her look for a long time. There’s a buzz about her and she’s in a good place. I’m happy for her, because she’s had her share of dark times.
‘Well, it’s not all about work, any more, that’s for sure. I’m doing the work/life juggling thing and having a ball. How you fit that in alongside coping with two teenagers, I don’t know. Mind you, mine might have left home a long time ago, but at some point they will probably be dropping off grandchildren for me to look after. Imagine that!’
‘You’re a nurse. If you can cope with a job like that, you can cope with anything. I’ll just take this upstairs – make yourself comfortable.’
I leave the tray on a little table on the landing and pop my head around the door.
‘Looking good, guys,’ I smile. Rosie will be thrilled, but already the dust is circulating throughout the house and it’s yet another task I’m going to have to add to my ‘to do’ list. It won’t be a dust-and-vacuum job, but a complete top-to-bottom exercise.
When I go back downstairs, Aunt Clare has settled herself on the sofa and I sit next to her, flopping down and forgetting she has a hot coffee in her hands.
‘Whoops, sorry. Here’s a tissue. I can’t ever remember feeling as depleted as this before.’
She sweeps her eyes over my face.
‘Maybe you are a little anaemic. You should pop to the doctors for a blood test. You are rather pale. Perhaps you need a dose of sunshine.’
I scoot back a little further and let my body go limp.
‘Have you been talking to Josh? He texted me only a couple of minutes ago to say we need a break away, just the two of us.’
‘Great idea, why not?’
‘Because I’d have to make all the arrangements and until the house is straight I can’t even think about organising it.’
She frowns. ‘That’s not like you. I can take a few days off work and come to stay here with the girls. I’d enjoy that.’
/> ‘Thanks, we’ll probably take you up on that. I feel Josh and I need some alone-time together. We rarely get a date night since he changed jobs.’
‘Things still aren’t back to normal with you, then? I thought Italy was all behind you now?’
I lower my head, staring down into the coffee mug in my hands. I made the mistake of telling her everything. It was cathartic and afterwards I felt lighter, the burden of guilt wasn’t so heavy on my shoulders. But I also made her a promise.
‘I’ve tried everything, even sleeping tablets left over from when Josh struggled during that nightmare at his old firm. Look in my desk drawer, you’ll find a stack of meditation CDs. I’ve even been to yoga. It’s there, it’s constantly there and I can’t hide from it.’
‘Ellie, I told you, mental health is as serious as something going wrong physically with your body. If your leg hurts, you go to the doctor to get it checked out. If you aren’t getting enough proper rest, and I mean uninterrupted sleep, then it affects your mind and your body. You’re always on the internet, type in sleep deprivation and see for yourself. At the anniversary party Josh barely took his eyes off you and when you were out of sight, he was uneasy. We’re all worried about you right now, including the girls.’
I’m so stupid. Josh asked her to come and he must have texted me because he was checking I was here.
‘Okay, I’ll make an appointment. But what the hell do I say? How do I explain what’s going on? It sounds completely crazy.’
‘Tell him about your dreams and explain how exhausted you feel. Keep it simple, don’t complicate it. It could be a hormonal imbalance upsetting the chemistry of the body, for instance.’
Or he could say that I’m mentally unbalanced. There’s a medical term for those who talk to people who aren’t really there. Aunt Clare is well aware of that.
‘Promise me. I’m serious this time, Ellie. Please promise me you’ll make that appointment.’
I nod and she changes the subject, asking about Hettie and Alex. That’s Josh’s next biggest concern and in a way that adds to my anxiety. He’s talking to Aunt Clare about it because he has to talk to someone and he doesn’t want to add to my worries.
Reluctantly I accept that I can’t avoid making that appointment any longer.
As we sit and chat. She’s doing her best to make me laugh. Nursing has a funnier side and I appreciate her attempts to lighten my mood.
‘Are you still getting those cluster migraines?’
I nod, wondering how she can tell.
‘I thought so. You’ve just turned a very strange colour. Nausea?’
It comes in waves and the coffee was a big mistake. I should have had water.
‘How would you like a couple of hours on your own, to relax? What if, after Dawn drops the girls back home, I stay and take them out for pizza? You can have a few hours of peace and quiet. I’m sure the guys upstairs will be quitting soon. Have a long soak in the tub and whatever work you haven’t done can wait until tomorrow. You need this, Ellie, so don’t refuse a helping hand when it’s offered.’
‘You’ve become my substitute mum,’ I admit, acknowledging the increasingly important role she plays in my life. My mum would have looked at me and known exactly what I needed in much the same way.
‘Sometimes you have to learn to take a little, Ellie. Being a giver is a wonderful thing, but accepting a little help at the right time keeps things ticking over. I’ll make sure the girls get to bed afterwards and I’ll pop in to tell you when I’m off home, so you can lock the door behind me.’
‘You’re an angel and I will make that phone call.’
Chapter 40
The girls are delighted to find Aunt Clare here and the thought of a mid-week treat sends them scurrying to change out of their school uniforms. The builders leave at four-thirty and in less than an hour the house is empty and silence reigns. I still haven’t moved from the sofa, as the pain above my right temple makes any movement a stomach-churning one. Aunt Clare left a glass of water and my migraine tablets on the coffee table and I know that if I don’t take them soon this will develop into a full-blown attack.
I ease myself forward very slowly, grab the tablets and the glass, and then gently lower myself back against the cushions.
As I take a mouthful of water to swill down the tablets, I look around the room. Even when the girls and Josh aren’t here, it’s full of them. If I concentrate hard enough I can visualise them, sitting around the table, laughing and joking.
After a short while the nausea begins to subside once more and very gently I ease myself up off of the sofa and head upstairs to run a bath.
I place the iPad on the windowsill next to the tub, ready for when Josh makes contact. But as I lie back and the fragrance of the lemongrass bath salts begin to soothe my pulsing headache, I reach across and turn on the iPad to message him.
Hi Josh, the girls are out with Aunt Clare. I have a migraine and I’m having a soak in the bath, but afterwards I need to lie down on the bed for a while. Will text you later. Miss you, xx
I know I’ve let things get on top of me and I think I’m a little run down. I’m no good to anyone like this and I need to start taking better care of myself.
The iPad lights up and I reach out for it, visualising the worried look Josh will have on his face. I didn’t mean for him to worry, but I really do need to lie here quietly for a bit. Steadying it on the edge of bath, and clicking the accept call button, it isn’t him.
Bella’s face appears on the screen and her face is rigid, like a mask. But it’s the look in her eyes that frightens me.
‘What is it? What’s wrong?’ The words catch in my throat.
‘He’s dead, Ellie. Max is dead.’
The sound in my ears is like a loud drumming. I’m sitting here amidst the bubbles and listening to a sound that is threatening to drown out her words.
A tear rolls down her cheek and a stab of severe pain hits me in the chest. And then I finally understand. I’ve felt this pain before. This isn’t the first time I’ve lost Max and the first time it left a scar so deep that my soul has never recovered. When, or where, we lived our life together I have no idea, but I now understand the saying that true love never dies. Clearly, you can have two soul mates, just not in the same reality. My head feels so heavy, even heavier than my heart.
‘I have to go. I’m sorry.’ My voice is barely audible as I replace the iPad on the windowsill, watching the action as if it has nothing whatsoever to do with me.
Tears fill my eyes and a scream works its way up from the pit of my stomach, but my throat has constricted and it can’t escape. I choke it back down, wondering if this is simply a bad dream. Am I imagining this?
‘Max can’t be gone.’ My whisper echoes around the bathroom and I swipe angrily at the tears as they track down my face and plop into the water. I wrap my arms around my knees, rocking back and forth for comfort.
‘You were nearly there, Max. How could you give up when you could have had a life full of happiness?’ I throw the words out into the hollow emptiness of the room.
I think about the fact that his precious little daughter will never know her biological father now and it breaks my heart. He was a special man, who cared about something more than just himself. All of the people whose lives he touched, and the difference he made, is his legacy. Fate reached out to me to help him because our link transcended time. Just as my love for Josh will go on forever, too. If the soul lives on, then so can enduring love.
I’m not sure how much time passes. I wipe my eyes with the palms of my hands, the chill that has settled on my skin making me tremble. Easing myself out of the bath, my eyes are watery still and I can’t find the towel, so I wrap my dressing gown around me. Half-stumbling out of the bathroom, something isn’t right and I don’t know what. Where is everyone?
As I walk across the landing I look behind me and see my footsteps imprinted in a thin film of dust covering the wooden floor. Did I do that? The drumming i
n my head won’t allow me to think and I need to lie down.
Max is dead. Did Bella say that, or was it a dream?
If I take some painkillers and maybe a couple of Josh’s old sleeping pills too, then maybe this drumming will stop and I can lie down for a while. When I wake up I’ll be able to think straight. The water slides down my throat and feels so good.
There was something I had to do, but I can’t seem to remember it. Did I take some tablets? Maybe I should take a couple more painkillers, just to be sure. If only the drumming would stop.
My eyes need to rest, they are so heavy. Was it Max? Did he need me?
‘Ellie, Ellie, I’m waiting for you.’
Max’s words are heavy with anguish and seem to float around me.
‘I’m alone. I need to know you are here. I can’t see you.’ He calls to me, but the room is empty and he isn’t here.
‘I’m with you, Max. You have nothing to fear.’
But Bella said Max was gone. Behind closed eyes there is nothing, except a black void filled with Max’s voice.
‘Whenever you think about me, I’ll be here.’ I gently reassure him, wishing I could see his face.
Random and disorganised thoughts begin to whirl around inside my head, making me feel dizzy. The drumming is getting louder. It makes the blood pound in my ears. Did I take some tablets? Which ones and how many? I can’t remember.
Sadness grips me and I call out. ‘Josh, Hettie, Rosie … where are you?’
I feel myself falling, down and down in a gentle motion that seems to go on forever.
~
Everything hurts. My eyes won’t open and when I try to lift my hand nothing happens. I want to move, but I can’t. Nothing seems to work.
The Secrets of Villa Rosso Page 24
