by Erin Zak
“Couldn’t take me somewhere no one would know you, eh?”
Jackie laughed. “Oh, Susan, everyone knows me here. Famous author. Remember?”
The way her eyes sparkled when she said that made my knees almost buckle. When she opened the door and motioned for me to go in first, I smiled at her. “You think you’re pretty funny, don’t you?”
Another silky laugh spilled from her mouth when I walked past her into the restaurant. “You have no idea,” she said softly from behind me.
The smell of garlic and wood and wine crashed into me. I instantly fell in love with the ambiance. The walls were covered with beautiful paintings. The bar was packed with people. They had a lot of beers on tap, which I loved seeing, even though I wasn’t really a beer girl.
“Jacquelyn!” A large, round man shouted from the host stand. “Aren’t you a sight for sore eyes!” He rushed around the stand and pulled Jackie into a hug, breathing heavy the entire time. “And who is this?” he asked when he released Jackie.
She smiled at him as she put her hand on my arm. “This is Susan.”
“Well, she’s beautiful.” He held his hand out, and I took it. “I’m Jones. It’s lovely to meet you.”
“Jones, so nice to meet you, as well.”
“This is your first time in St. Pete?”
“Actually, yes,” I answered as he walked us to a table. The entire place was full, but Jackie clearly had pull. We had a great table with no wait, and we were facing the gulf. I was impressed.
Jones patted his belly before he said, “It’s a beautiful city. You’re going to love it here.”
“You’re right,” I said with a smile. My eyes caught Jackie’s before I looked back at him and finished with, “I already do love it.”
“Well, good. Jacquelyn, you have a good dinner. Your server will be Michael tonight.”
“Thank you so much, Jones. Tell Marie I said hello.”
“She’s bartending tonight, but if she has time, I’ll tell her to come say hi!” he shouted as he waddled away.
I looked at Jackie and smiled. “You walk in and get sat with no wait?”
“That’s how I roll,” Jackie replied with a wink. “It’s not like that everywhere I go, but certain places, yes. Especially here. Jones and Marie have been in my life for years. Tabitha is my best friend and their daughter. I went to college with her. So, I mean, I’ve known them for…” Her voice trailed off as she did the math in her head. “A long time,” she finished and giggled. “I’m so old.”
“Oh, please.”
The server approached and immediately squealed with delight that Jackie was his guest. I watched her as she spoke to him, a skinny, young man named Michael. He was cute, flamboyant, and seemed to be good friends with Jackie. Was everyone here going to know her? She introduced me, and I shook his hand while he commented on how pretty I was. I didn’t want to sound ungrateful, but was I really that pretty? Or were people here that nice?
I listened to her order for us, which I liked because I had absolutely no idea what to get. She asked me if I wanted red or white wine. I wanted white, so she picked a bottle of sauvignon blanc for us to share. Not having the pressure of trying to figure out what to eat and drink made it so relaxing. I was so calm. It was maybe the first time in months that my inner peace was present and accounted for. Listening to and watching Jackie was calming in a way I did not expect, especially because, up until now, she’d made me so nervous and unsure of myself that the word “calm” wasn’t in my vocabulary.
“So, Jackie, tell me about the book that you’re working on.” I lifted my glass to my nose and breathed in deep. The smell was wonderful, floral and peach notes with a hint of grapefruit. I loved Marlborough Sauvignon Blanc, so I was thrilled. The sip I took was delightful, too. It was so smooth and delicious.
Jackie set her glass on the table, and her fingers slid down the length of the stem. Why did the thought of them sliding down my neck instantly make me wet? She shrugged and said, “It’s not my best work. Another lesbian romance. I feel like I’ve told the story before, you know? Sometimes, I wonder if I should branch out.”
“I’m sure there are a million different ways to tell the tale of two women falling in love. Right?” I asked before I took another drink. The way she looked at me from across the table… I couldn’t stop myself from giving in the slightest to what I was feeling. How caring her eyes were, how beautiful her makeup was, how adorable her hair looked in that messy bun. Her arms were toned as she stretched one out over the back of the booth, and as my eyes traveled the length of her arm, I noticed she had a tattoo on the underside of her bicep. It was of a feather, plain black and skin-toned, but God, was it sexy. Is the temperature in the restaurant a hundred degrees, or what?
“I guess you’re right,” she finally replied. “The book is about these two women who find each other after a traumatic car crash involving one of the women’s significant other. There’s a heart transplant and a cute dog and a lot of things I know nothing about. I’ve had to research a lot of different topics.”
“Sounds like you’re getting some good research in now about cute dogs with Myrtle always near you.”
Jackie laughed. “She really is a cute dog.”
“Oh, trust me. I know.”
“I’ll make sure to include her in my acknowledgements.”
“Oh, I’m sure she’ll love that,” I said as I leaned forward and propped an elbow on the table. “The book sounds really good, though.”
“I hope it turns out okay. My deadline is in two weeks.”
“Wow! Us being here is probably really screwing you up, isn’t it?”
Jackie smiled. Her teeth were so straight and white. I knew she never had braces without having to ask because Beth’s smile was the exact same. I was always slightly jealous but also grateful. Braces were expensive! “Not at all,” she said before she looked down at her wineglass.
I let my eyes wander over her features, her nose, her cheeks, her perfect lips. “So, Jacquelyn, hmm? That’s a pretty name.” The deep red that filled her cheeks was so cute. Getting her to blush made me feel so good about myself.
“Yes, Jacquelyn.” The look on her face was so intense.
“And your middle name?”
“Why? So, you can middle name me when you get mad at me?”
I started to laugh because I always middle-named Beth. “How would you even know that I do that?”
“I can tell.”
“I promise I won’t pull out your middle name if I’m ever mad at you.”
Jackie’s left eyebrow arched, and she said softly, “Mardine.”
“Jacquelyn Mardine?” She nodded after I asked. “That’s gorgeous. And so different.”
“It was my grandmother’s middle name.”
“When did you start going by Jackie?”
“First grade.” Jackie chuckled when she leaned forward and mimicked my posture. “My teacher Mrs. Nabhan called me Jackie all the time. It stuck. My mom always called me Jacquelyn, though.”
The image of a young, towheaded Jackie running around made my heart so happy. “I’m sure you were adorable.”
“What about you, Susan?”
The way Jackie said my name made chills erupt all over my arms and legs. “What about me?” I asked as I tried to hide any shred of evidence that she was having an immense effect on me. I sipped my wine and hoped my nervousness wasn’t obvious.
“Do you have a middle name?”
“Isabel,” I breathed. “Um, my middle name is Isabel.” I quickly downed the last of my wine, and Michael was Johnny-on-the-spot filling my glass again. Whatever was happening to my body had seriously never happened before. I was on fire. My palms were sweating. My armpits were even sweating! I was a mess. “Y’know, Jackie, is it hot in here?”
The smile that stretched across her lips did not fucking help, either. “No,” she said quietly. “It’s not hot in here.”
“Are you sure?” I asked as I pick
ed up a menu and started to fan myself.
“I’m pretty sure.”
I watched as she glanced around the restaurant. The line of her neck was incredible. She was literally the prettiest person I had ever been around in my entire life. I wasn’t used to being around people like her, people who were so put together and striking. This was such a change of pace for me. That had to be it, right? It wasn’t that I was having an issue with the slope of her bare shoulders or the delicate bones of her wrists or how soft her skin looked along her jawline. “I’m going to go use the restroom,” I said as I slid my chair out a little too forcefully and stood. “I’ll be right back.” I took off toward where I hoped the bathrooms were. When I finally found the door that said “Gals” on it, I pushed through the door and into a stall. When I got it closed behind me, I rested my head against the cold, steel door. What the hell was going on with me? Was this…oh, God…was I falling for Jackie?
That couldn’t be it.
No way.
No how.
I was not a lesbian! I couldn’t be. I’d spent my entire life with men. And I loved being with a man! I loved sex with a man! So, why did I seem to be attracted to her?
Could I really be bisexual?
That was the only explanation, which still didn’t help matters because why was I discovering this about myself now? So late in life? I wasn’t sure if I wanted to have this revelation at this age.
Especially about Jackie fucking Mitchell.
Even though she was really gorgeous.
And she had such a wonderful heart.
And her eyes…
Fuck.
I opened the stall door and walked over to the sinks. I ran the cold water and cursed when only lukewarm poured out. I looked at my reflection in the mirror. My bruise was fading, but I could still see a small outline on my cheek peeking through my makeup. I leaned forward, looked at my eyes, at the wrinkles at the corners, at the appearance of the tiniest bit of gray hair that framed my face. Even if I was falling for Jackie, there was no possible way the feelings would ever be completely mutual. I was at least ten years older than her, if not more.
She was a nice person who was being wonderful to me. I had to keep reminding myself of that. Jackie didn’t want to be with me. So, this falling for her bullshit? Or whatever the hell was going on with me? It was a passing phase. It had to be. Period.
After my mental pep talk and after I washed and dried my hands, I headed back to the table. Jackie was sitting there, her hands folded in her lap and a concerned expression on her face. “Are you okay?” she asked.
I waved her off. “Oh, yes. I’m so sorry. I think it was a hot flash.” Oh, Jesus. A hot flash? My wrinkles and gray hairs weren’t bad enough, now I was having hot flashes? Why didn’t I put a sign on my forehead that read I’m FIFTY.
Jackie put her hands on the table and went to stand. “We can leave if you’d like.”
“No way! I’m having an amazing time. I am totally fine. I promise.”
She eyed me from her half-standing position. “You’re sure?”
“I swear,” I said softly when I finally sat. I took a deep breath and then took two large gulps of wine. I probably looked like a total lush, but I had to do something to calm myself down. The second I set my glass on the table, Michael swooped in to refill it. He winked at me before he switched and poured more wine into Jackie’s glass. He certainly saw me getting blitzed. I hoped he wasn’t doing it on purpose. Oh well if he was. At least I was feeling slightly calmer. I knew I needed to talk about something that would distract me, so I settled on, “Tell me about your friend Tabitha?”
I think she realized what I was doing by the look on her face and in her eyes, but she complied without hesitation. She launched into a story about knowing Tabitha for years and years, and how she was the only person in St. Pete who was there for her through everything. Tabitha sounded like a really great friend. I felt better for some reason knowing that Jackie had someone to count on.
The rest of our time together at the restaurant was much better. We focused on easy, back and forth banter with little to no emotion whatsoever while we shared a variety of tapas. I was much more comfortable with the small talk, and it seemed Jackie was, too. I think it was becoming more and more obvious that we were both struggling with something around each other. I’m sure she was only struggling with the fact that I was the one who adopted her daughter. It seemed logical that would possibly be hard to deal with. So, I understood completely. Of course, I really didn’t know for sure if that was what was going on in Jackie’s mind or not. It was clear that she was not the type of person to open up and talk. She did have really intense eye contact when she was looking at me… Could that mean what I thought it meant?
After our second bottle of wine and she paid the bill, which I fought her for, we decided to leave the restaurant. I think I drank most of the wine, and that worried me slightly, but what the hell? It felt really nice to relax, and my inhibitions were melting away.
Jackie said she was fine to drive, so I didn’t argue. She seemed completely okay, and I was sure she was not nearly as drunk as I was starting to feel. I was nearing that tipsy enough to not have an argumentative bone in my body feeling.
Apparently, I was also tipsy enough that I needed a little assistance getting into Jackie’s BMW. She helped me into the passenger seat without any audible judgment. Her hand was on my arm and her other was in my hand. I couldn’t stop myself from noticing how soft her hands were. And she still smelled like that damned honeysuckle. I was impressed by the longevity of whatever perfume she wore. Mine never seemed to last more than a couple hours. When she reached over to help me buckle my seat belt, I noticed she had a small scar above her lip, right under her nose. I wondered how she got that. Was it a volleyball injury? Did she have an abusive person in her life like I did? The thought of someone hitting her made me queasy. How could anyone hit her? She was so amazing. And so pretty. “So very pretty.” Oh, shit. I heard the words come out of my mouth before I even had a second to hit myself for thinking them, let alone saying them.
“Susan,” Jackie breathed as she clicked the seat belt into place. She looked at me, and our faces were so close. “You had a lot to drink.”
“That’s Michael’s fault.” My words were slurring together. Great.
“I will let him take the blame.”
“Were you going to take me anywhere else?”
“Not in this condition.”
I laughed. “I’ll be okay. I promise.” Why didn’t I let her take me back to the condo?
“Are you sure there, Ms. Slurry?”
I laughed, and it felt really good to actually mean it.
“Where would you like to go then?” Jackie squatted down beside the car and looked at me. Her hands were on my legs, her left hand on my thigh, right on my kneecap, and I could feel the heat radiating from them.
“The beach.”
She looked directly into my eyes, into my soul, and my mind took off with itself. Would I ever recover from the way she was staring at me? Was I having an out-of-body experience? Unless it was the copious amounts of wine. She squeezed my leg lightly before she finally stood and closed my door. The four or five seconds that I was in the car by myself, I tried to breathe deep and snap out of my drunken stupor. Then her door opened, and she climbed in, followed by her scent, and I couldn’t help but look over at her.
* * *
JACKIE
Susan was borderline freaking out. I could tell. Or she was completely wasted. Either way, something weird was happening. But whatever it was, it was completely different than what had happened earlier in the week. This freak out was her figuring something out. I wasn’t sure what she was figuring out, but I was about ninety percent sure she didn’t know what to do with her feelings about me. I couldn’t be one hundred percent because she kept taking two steps forward and then one back, but she was getting there. At least I wanted to think that was what was happening. Of course, I w
as a hopeless romantic.
I had no idea how I really felt about everything that was going on with Susan, though. Dana was right when she told me I deserved someone who wanted me from the get-go. Not someone I had to encourage to want me, like me, love me. So, I should have continued with my so-called plan to stay strong and not get mixed up with this woman who clearly had no idea what she was doing. Getting involved with a straight woman was like riding a downward spiral all the way to the bottom: no brakes, no exits, adrenaline and speed and a heart to break the fall. Why would I ever want to do that again?
When I pulled into a parking spot at my favorite beach and turned my car off, Susan let out a deep breath. I had no idea how long she had been holding it, but when I looked over at her, she looked absolutely terrified.
“You said the beach,” I said calmly. “Would you rather go home?” She shook her head and reached for the door handle. I grabbed her other hand, and she finally looked at me. “Susan. We can go home.”
“No,” she whispered. “I want this.”
I let out a huff. Want what? is what I wanted to ask, but I kept my mouth shut and exited my car. I walked around to the trunk and popped it open with the remote. I grabbed a blanket to spread on the sand and another in case we got cold. It was still spring, after all, and I knew it could get chilly with the breeze. I shut the trunk and walked over to where she was standing. “Ready?”
“Yes,” she said firmly, so we started walking toward the beach. My feet were cold, but I didn’t care. The desire to sit by her, wrapped in a blanket, was spurring me on. I knew it was so stupid, but I didn’t care. I’d never understand why lesbians always got hooked on straight women. Was it because they were unattainable? Or that they seemed slightly interested at the time? Or was it their curiosity, and it really did kill the cat? Except this time, I was the cat.
We found a spot on the beach that was uninhabited. Typically, the beach closed at a certain time, but as long as we weren’t acting like fools at the private beach where I took her, we could sit and not get in trouble. I laid the blanket on the ground and patted the spot next to me. Susan sat, and I saw a shiver shoot through her body. “Here,” I said as I offered her the other blanket. I wrapped it around her shoulders, and she leaned gently into me.
