by Erin Zak
Susan thanked the man and then looked at me as we walked away. “He was adorable.”
“He looked a little like a hobbit with a fancy coat on.”
“That’s exactly why he was so cute!”
We moved from booth to booth, not looking at the pamphlet to see where Beth was located because I think both of us were nervous to see her exhibit. She had been here since the early morning hours, so I knew she was probably eager for us to arrive. Susan and I both decided that we would come the second it opened to the public, so we hoped Beth was still standing and not completely spent from being on for all the judges.
We rounded a corner of the convention center and saw a large crowd of people outside of a couple of the kiosks toward the end of the hallway. It probably would have made sense to us if we would have looked at the pamphlet and saw that the artists were in alphabetical order, but of course, we were both stubborn and nervous. As we approached the crowd, Susan looked over at me.
“Are you ready?” she asked softly and took my hand again.
Her trepidation was making me nervous. I tilted my head and furrowed my brow. “Yeah, but Susan, what’s going on?” And as I said that, we made our way through the crowd, and Beth’s exhibit opened up before my eyes.
Beth saw us and excused herself from the older couple she was speaking with. She jumped into Susan’s arms and hugged her. “Mom, this has been the best day ever!”
I drifted away from them and moved throughout the kiosk. My mouth was hanging open. The paintings were of me, of Susan, of Beth, of Myrtle. Every momentous occasion, some of the private and intimate moments, from the beginning to last night. The paintings were colorful, reds and oranges, blues and greens. The gulf was in the background of quite a few, the backdrop to our life.
There were paintings of Peggy, a couple of Brock, a whole series of Myrtle. I felt tears in my eyes when I saw one that had me asleep with Myrtle snuggled behind my legs. There were so many moments that I never thought she saw. I didn’t think she ever saw Susan and I hug or touch. I didn’t think she saw us kiss! How did she do all of this? Was she a goddamn ninja?
I felt Susan’s hand on the small of my back, and I looked at her. “How did she do this? How?”
Susan shrugged. “She has always seen things…she has a gift.”
“I can’t… I don’t… This is…” I was speechless. I couldn’t form a sentence. I was a writer, for Christ’s sake, and I couldn’t form a fucking sentence. When I felt another arm slide around my waist I looked over, and Beth was standing there. She was staring at the painting of Susan and I on the beach, walking hand in hand.
“I did good, didn’t I?”
I couldn’t help but chuckle when I leaned over and kissed her on the side of the head. I pulled her closer to me and breathed in her scent. “You are incredible, Elizabeth Weber. Incredible.”
“Have you had people in here the entire time?” Susan whispered as she leaned in closer to us.
“Yes!” Beth couldn’t contain the excitement. “It has been so crazy. I don’t even know how to handle all of this. I’ve already had five people want to buy a couple of the paintings. It’s so nuts.”
“Oh, honey, I’m so proud of you.” Susan reached over and smoothed Beth’s hair away from her face. “You did it.” Susan leaned into me, and we all hugged as a family. It felt really good.
As the evening continued, I separated myself from Susan and Beth. They needed some time together and alone. There was a lull in the traffic around six o’clock, when the transition happened between late afternoon and early evening guests. It was a welcome break to take a breath, especially for Beth but also for me.
I was so taken by what Beth had accomplished. The entire exhibit was beautiful, poignant, and so special. I couldn’t believe that I knew someone who took the time to really see people. Beth shocked me. She really did. She was exactly the type of person I hoped my child turned out to be.
“This painting is beautiful,” a man who was standing close to me said softly. He was staring at the same one I was, which was of the three of us at the beach, the words “Spring Break 2018” written in the sand. That night was one of my favorite times spent together with Susan and Beth. We laughed and looked for shells, found a starfish because the tide was out, and talked about things together like a real family would. It was the first time I had the feeling that I didn’t want them to leave. So, it was the first time I inwardly freaked out because the last thing I thought I wanted was to share my space and my life and my soul with other people.
I glanced at the man standing there. He was in his fifties, graying hair, George Clooney eyebrows, a slight beer belly. He was dressed impeccably, though. I wondered if he was a judge. “They’re all pretty phenomenal.” My voice was shaking a little, and I hoped he didn’t hear.
“You’re featured a lot in them.” He had his hands in his pockets, and when he said that, he glanced over at me. “You must be important to her.”
I felt the blush creep up my neck and flood my features. I hoped the red filling my cheeks was enough of an answer because I really didn’t want to talk to him.
He sighed and looked back at the painting. “She is indeed talented. I hope the judges see that.”
“You’re not one?”
He smiled, still looking at the painting. “No, I’m not.”
Then we stood together in silence. I recalled the memory of the waves licking at my feet that day on the beach and let myself find peace.
* * *
SUSAN
Seeing Beth happy for the first time in years was absolutely wonderful. It was weird, actually, because she was jovial and funny most of the time that until I looked into her eyes, I’d always thought she was truly happy. I hated to admit the first time I noticed that her smile never reached her eyes was when she was a lot younger. It scared me, no lie. But I thought it was a fluke. I kept noticing through the years, though, that things weren’t quite right. Outwardly, she was perfect. She joked around, she loved to laugh, she made sure that she participated in those deep conversations with me even when I knew it was the last thing she wanted. Like the first time I told her that our dog Murray actually went to Heaven, not the farm in Oregon, or the sex and period talk where I literally spent the entire time wishing I could curl into a ball and die, or when I finally broke down and told her she was adopted. She always made me feel as if I was doing a good job as her mom. But as she got older, I feared that unhappiness would consume her.
I saw a glimmer of the smile in her eyes when she brought Jackie home to me. It was there but not completely. It was like a foggy night, when you knew there was a curve in the road ahead, but it still took you by surprise.
The smile was definitely there when she told Jackie and me about Peggy.
But now? Watching her converse with adults who were strangers and seeing that she was not a mess, she was not fidgeting with her hands, she was not pulling at her dress, and she was not looking down at her feet. She was comfortable. And God, she was happy. How incredible to have been able to see this transformation. I felt special. And I was so thankful.
Thankful that I had the courage to leave, not only for me but for Beth. She found herself in St. Pete, and so did I. For the first time since holding Beth in my arms at the hospital, I was comfortable as well. Realizing that I raised this amazing person and had never felt comfortable with myself hit me like a ton of bricks. I looked around the open hallway of the convention center and took a deep breath.
And that was when I saw him.
Steven was standing next to Jackie with his hands shoved in his pockets. My heart sank. I feared the worse. Was he going to hurt her? Was he going to find Beth and hurt her? Or me? My thoughts were running away thinking about the worst case scenarios and even though I knew I needed to take a deep breath and calm myself down, I found myself looking for the exit and wondering if the security men had guns. I frantically looked for Beth and saw her walking toward me. I stood and quickly covered the space
between us. I grabbed her and pulled her with me until we were no longer in plain sight.
“Mom, what the hell are you doing?” She was on alert instantly.
“Beth, honey, your father is here.”
She gently pulled her arm from my grasp. “I know, Mom. He already found me.”
“Are you okay?” I asked. My voice was laced with fear. “Did he hurt you?” I took her chin and turned her face from side to side. I grabbed her hands and held them. “Did he? Tell me.”
A smile spread to her lips. “He’s actually really happy for me, Mom. And for you.”
“Wait. What?” I shook my head. “What do you mean?”
“Come with me. Okay?” Beth was still holding one of my hands. “I promise it’s going to be okay.” I followed her as she took off toward her kiosk. When we approached from the side, Jackie looked over and smiled at me. She knew the second I didn’t smile back that something was going on.
“What’s wrong?” she asked, and that was when Steven looked over at me.
His eyes filled with tears, and he took two large steps before he had me in his arms. “I’m sorry, Susan,” he whispered against my cheek. “I am so sorry.”
“Steven, what the hell are you doing here?” I asked and pushed away from him.
“Wait a second. This is your husband?” Jackie asked as she came up to me and got between me and him. I loved how she wanted to protect me, but Steven could have broken her in half. I put my hand on her shoulder and squeezed, indicating to her that I was okay.
“Ex,” he said quickly.
My mouth dropped open. “What?”
He pulled out a wad of rolled up papers from his back pocket and handed them to me. “I signed the divorce papers. Both of our lawyers have copies.”
“Steven…” I couldn’t believe it.
“I’ve looked everywhere for you two,” Steven whispered. He sounded as if he was fighting back tears. Way more tears than I ever saw him cry in the past. “I finally gave up.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Well, your sister is less than thrilled with me. I’m sure you heard about my impromptu trip to Chicago.” Steven shook his head. “And Veronica, well—”
“Oh, Christ, what did you do?”
“Nothing,” Steven answered. “I swear. I went to talk to her, and she actually talked some sense into me. Told me you don’t deserve this. That Beth doesn’t. That I needed to get help. So, I stopped searching and started doing some soul searching. I was a real asshole for a long time.”
“Yeah, you really were.” Beth chuckled as she playfully pushed on Steven’s shoulder.
He surprised me by joining in with the laughter. “Veronica’s a lot wiser than I give her credit.”
“Who are you? And what have you done with Steven?”
He laughed again before he said, “Believe it or not, I started seeing a therapist.”
“Get out of town.” I smiled as he nodded. “And you’re liking it?” He nodded again. “I have to ask…how did you even find us?”
“The local Savannah papers ran ads about this art fair.” Steven shrugged. “I saw Beth’s name as a featured exhibitor and took a chance. I’m glad I did.” He smiled and shrugged his big shoulders. “I’m not fighting you anymore, Susan. I don’t want to put you through anything else.”
I was absolutely beside myself. What was I supposed to do? How was I supposed to act? I was relieved, but did I really trust him?
“Please, say something.” He looked at me, then at Beth, and finally at Jackie. “I’m sorry I hurt her.” He looked back to me. “I’m sorry I hurt you, Susan.”
“You signed them? You’re not lying?”
“I promise you.” He put his hand on Beth’s face. She was standing next to Jackie now. “You really knocked it out of the park, kiddo.”
“Thanks, Dad,” she said softly.
“Take care of them, Jackie.” Steven smiled and nodded his head before he turned and walked away.
My entire body was screaming at me to run after him, so I listened. “Steven!” I took off after him. “I’m sorry!” I took a couple deep breaths as he looked at me, his eyes so much kinder than they had been in years. He looked good. Free. “I never knew.”
Steven shrugged and gave me the side smile he used to do when he knew he was going to win an argument with me. “I always wondered. I really did.”
“Wondered?”
“If you were possibly, y’know—”
“Bisexual?”
“Well, I wondered if you were different. That we weren’t compatible.” He let out a puff of air as he motioned to me then behind me at Jackie. “This thought never crossed my mind.”
“I never meant for any of this to happen.” And it was true, too. I didn’t mean for Steven and myself to not work. I didn’t mean to not be what he wanted in a significant other. I never meant to put up with everything he did for as long as I did. And I never meant to fall for Jackie.
“I know. I never meant—” He stopped and pursed his lips together, shook his head, then smoothed his hand over the scruff on his face. “I never meant to be this person. To hurt you. I hate myself because of it.”
“Yeah, well…”
“I know,” he said and held his hand out. And for the first time in forever, I didn’t flinch or think the worst. I don’t really know why exactly, except that this man standing in front of me was not the same person I ran away from. I glanced down. He was still wearing his wedding ring and when he saw me notice, he quickly shoved his hand into his pocket. “I don’t really know how to do this.”
“Which part?”
“Any of it?” He had a pained expression on his face. “But especially this part…” He took a deep breath. “The part where I leave and don’t try to fight for you.”
“Steven…” His eyes were much softer than they had been the last years of our life together. “I think we’re both done fighting.”
He reached forward and placed his hand on my face. “I’ll never forgive myself for how I treated you. Maybe one day you can forgive me?”
“I’ll work on that,” I whispered, and he turned and left me. I felt Jackie’s presence after a minute of standing there alone.
“Are you okay?” She pressed her warm hand completely against me, and it did what it always did, calmed me and made me feel safe.
“I actually am.” I took a deep breath and let it out. “I am okay.” It probably sounded really clichéd, but for the first time in years, my words actually matched what I was feeling in my heart.
Beth slipped her arm around my waist and pulled me close. “Looks like we won’t be going back to Savannah then, right?”
I started to chuckle and so did Jackie. “I guess that’s one way of looking at it,” Jackie said with a laugh. “Of course, we might need to get a bigger condo now if you two are moving in full time.”
“Well, yeah, I mean I would like to bring my stuff from home. Like, all of my clothes, for starters. I am running on fumes with this wardrobe I brought.” Beth looked over at me. “I think Mom would really like to have her KitchenAid mixer, too.”
Jackie shook her head. “Your KitchenAid? Seriously?”
“I mean, I do love to bake.” I couldn’t stop smiling at Jackie as we started to walk to the auditorium where the winners would be announced. “I can bake some pretty phenomenal cupcakes.”
“Buttercream icing?” Jackie asked when we found our seats.
“The best buttercream icing you’ve ever had, Jackie. Seriously.” Beth’s hand shot in the air when she noticed Peggy at the end of our aisle. She scooted between the seats and our legs and plopped down next to Beth.
“I’m so sorry I’m late. I was asked for my autograph because apparently, I am featured prominently in this hot, young, new emerging artist’s paintings.”
“Stop, you were not.” Beth pursed her lips together and shook her head.
“I’m being serious,” Peggy whispered, and all I could do was smile
at the two of them. They really were cute together. Even if I never pictured that to be the life Beth would lead.
As the announcer started to talk, Beth shushed us all. I saw her leg start to bounce, which meant she was so nervous she could hardly sit still. Jackie had her hand on my leg as we listened to the announcer hand out numerous awards. When the time came for the best new artist award, Jackie and I both watched as Beth was awarded first place in a competition she never thought she’d place in. She leaned over and kissed Peggy, hugged both Jackie and me, then hurried off toward the stage. She was so excited and shocked when she accepted her award.
Beth looked down at the award and smiled before she started speaking. And when she raised her head, she looked right at us. “This is for my moms. Without one, I would have never been born, and without the other, I would have never lived. So, thank you both so much. Is it lame to say that I hope we can continue to create a life to love?” Jackie and I both shook our heads and laughed softly to ourselves. “Okay, good! Thank you so much to the judges. To my teacher Mrs. Thorn for entering me into this competition and for thinking I actually had a shot. And to Peggy for being there for me throughout the last couple months. Thank you!”
As the awards ceremony wound down, I found my brain wandering. Such a short time ago my life was completely different. I was scared and sad all the time. I was lonely even when I was surrounded by people. My body felt foreign, my heart felt broken, and my soul felt irreparable. And all that happened to completely turn my life around was Beth finding Jackie Mitchell. Not only did Jackie bring Beth, the love of my life for sixteen years, into this world, but she helped me see the beauty of allowing someone else to love me, to feel love again for someone else, and to actually live.
Epilogue
JACKIE
“Was this really based on true events?”
