by Lacey Dearie
A pair of colourful curses slipped out from both Vicky and the tramp before someone on the other side of the river hooted with laughter. Ignoring them, Vicky clasped her hand to her mouth in horror.
‘Oh my God, I’m so sorry. Are you ok?’ she gushed.
‘Yeah,’ was the unaffected reply, before another swig of champagne and a sniff.
‘It was an accident,’ Vicky continued.
The tramp shook her head. ‘It doesn’t matter. Just one more calamity to add to my already wonderful day,’ she stated in a West Country accent.
Vicky watched another mouthful of champagne escape from the bottle. Her victim had a feather on her shoulder and something black on her left cheek, but otherwise her appearance hadn’t been altered by the mishap.
Sitting back down on the bench, Vicky removed her BlackBerry from her handbag, snapped a picture of herself, then surveyed the damage. Wow. There was a lot of damage.
‘You look a mess,’ the tramp affirmed without prompting. ‘So does the pigeon.’
The two women peered down at the bird and Vicky thought it unwise to correct someone clearly tipsy and emotional on which particular kind of bird it was. The seagull was barely moving.
‘Shall we try and help it?’ Vicky fretted.
‘Nah, I think it’s dead,’ was the blunt reply.
Vicky had to think quickly. She couldn’t go and represent the company looking like this. She would have to phone and arrange another time to meet the beadle. She checked her recently called numbers and re-dialled his.
‘John? It’s Vicky from Silver Thistle Funeral Directors. I’m sorry, something urgent has come up and I have to make my way back to the office…..you’ll be there until half twelve? Great, I’ll be able to come and see you around twelve if that’s ok? Thanks! I’ll see you then. Bye.’
‘You’re Vicky from Silver Thistle?’ the tramp brightened.
‘Uh-huh,’ Vicky responded cautiously.
‘I’m Flic! We’ve spoken on the phone a million times! Flic from Pebworth & Co. Solicitors! I do all the estates,’ she beamed and shifted to face Vicky.
‘Oh, of course, yes!’ Vicky nodded and smiled politely. She had always got the impression from their phone calls that Flic from Pebworth & Co. was a snooty unhelpful cow.
‘Well. I did do the estates. I don’t any more.’ The tone in Flic’s voice gave Vicky the impression that the mid-morning drinking session might be work related.
‘You’ve moved on?’ Vicky ventured.
‘Got made redundant this morning,’ Flic saddened.
‘Oh. That’s a bit callous, giving you that news on the first working day of the year,’ Vicky sympathised. No wonder this woman was upset.
‘It’s ok, I suppose. I don’t get a good redundancy payout or anything. Haven’t been there long enough to get much. And I doubt there are any jobs out there for me. But at least I have my champagne! Happy New Year!’ she trilled and took another gulp.
‘How long had you been working there?’ Vicky asked.
‘Three and a half years. I started around the same time I moved to Inverness.’
‘Did you move here to take the job?’ Vicky asked, deciding it would be dreadful to move somewhere purposely for a job and then be made redundant.
‘No, I just wanted a new start. My Gran lives here so it was as good a place as any,’ Flic shrugged, gulping down another mouthful of pink fizz. ‘What’s your story?’
Vicky shifted uncomfortably. ‘What do you mean?’
‘Nobody sits and stares at nothing in the freezing cold unless they’ve got things on their mind. Come on, I’m a good agony aunt,’ Flic winked. ‘And it’ll make me feel like less of a loser.’
‘Just man trouble,’ Vicky attempted to brush the question aside. She had no desire to pour her heart out to someone who was almost a total stranger.
‘Ah. That makes sense. He’s cheated, hasn’t he?’ Flic ventured.
‘Sort of,’ Vicky squinted, wondering how to relate her heartbreak without sounding like a bitch. And how to change the subject.
‘He either did, or he didn’t,’ Flic reasoned.
‘He did cheat, but not on me,’ Vicky frowned. This was getting too deep and meaningful for her liking.
‘Right. So you were the bit on the side then,’ Flic nodded. She had clearly lost sympathy.
Vicky cast her eyes downward, feeling uneasy and embarrassed. She made no attempt to respond.
‘You didn’t know he was spoken for?’ Flic continued.
Vicky shook her head with force.
‘Don’t feel bad then. It wasn’t your fault. You’ve dumped him obviously,’ Flic asserted. Her statement was met with a nod.
‘I’m just going to forget I ever knew him,’ Vicky hissed, attempting to appear strong and feisty rather than how she actually felt.
‘Good. How did you find out?’ Flic continued her interrogation.
‘Tête-a-net. He had two profiles. One real one, for all his family and friends. Another fake one, for me and the two sleazebags who knew about his antics. I did think it strange he only had three friends, but he assured me he never used the site and was only there to read my updates. He had blocked me from his real profile. I just don’t understand why he was on a dating site to meet women when he was married,’ Vicky sighed. Her naivety was rammed home now that she was narrating the events aloud.
‘Fucking Internet,’ Flic spat the words into her bottle, taking a violent swig. ‘Who told you he had blocked you? Did someone catch him out?’
‘I knew something wasn’t right so I made a profile for my dog and befriended myself so I could view some stuff I’d been blocked from seeing. That’s when I saw his profile. And his profile pictures…him and his wife, him and his son, his wife’s ultrasound picture…’ Vicky grimaced and swallowed back a lump of emotion in her throat. ‘I shut down my own profile. I can’t be arsed with it. Too much drama.’
Flic became silent and the two women were pensive for a few minutes, their trains of thought only broken by a siren in the distance. The noise jolted Vicky and she suddenly became aware of the fact that Flic was drinking alcohol in a place where doing so was punishable with a five hundred pound fine.
‘You know you’ll get fined if you get caught drinking here?’ Vicky pointed out the cautionary notice on a nearby lamppost. When she was met with silence she turned to look at her new confidante and realised there were unleashed tears in her eyes. Vicky sympathised. Losing a job was hard on anyone, but Flic looked every inch the career woman. She must have been taking it hard. Either that or she was just as upset about Vicky’s heartbreak as she was.
‘Do you want to come back to the office with me and get tidied up? It’s a two minute walk,’ Vicky soothed. A nod and a sniff told her that her idea had been acceptable and Vicky helped Flic to stand up off the bench, letting Flic lean on her arm slightly to steady herself.
Vicky nodded towards the seagull. ‘We could start storing up some good karma by doing the right thing here.’
Flic staggered and bent down to pick up the seagull, almost toppling over her heels on her way down, but becoming more stable as she straightened up.
‘If it’s not dead, I’ll save it. And if it is, I’ll bury it. My good deed for the day,’ Flic muttered, to herself more than to Vicky.
The short walk across the street towards the town centre took twice as long as it usually took Vicky. Several times she had to support the weight of Flic, which wasn’t much at all, as she faltered and struggled to make the journey with the seagull in her arms. Vicky guessed the emotion and her skyscraper heels were more to blame than the alcohol though, since it hadn’t had sufficient time to take effect.
Vicky opened the front door to the office gingerly and peered inside at the waiting room to check if the coast was clear. The chairs were empty.
‘Come on in, there’s no clients here,’ she instructed Flic.
Vicky quickly made her way through the waiting room to the main off
ice where she and the other employees were based. Glancing behind she noticed Flic was still taking things at a very slow pace, gawking at her unfamiliar surroundings and cradling the seagull. She motioned to Flic impatiently to get a move on.
‘Quick! The last thing we want is for a newly bereaved client to come in and get an eyeful of a half-dead bird,’ she cautioned.
‘Sorry,’ Flic cringed. ‘The pigeon wouldn’t make a good impression either.’
Vicky squinted as she tried to make sense of Flic’s statement. Was that humour?
Once they were both inside the office, Vicky closed the door firmly. The only person in the office was Scarlett, who was reapplying make-up behind her monitor.
‘Scarlett, I’ve brought a visitor to the office,’ she announced.
Sniffs were followed by, ‘Just a second Vic, I’m just doing a damage limitation exercise. Too many late nights over the last couple of weeks. I look shocking.’
Vicky rolled her eyes. ‘Scarlett, this is Flic. She used to work at Pebworth & Co.’
Scarlett popped her head up in the style of a meerkat and glowered at Flic, who seemed totally oblivious to the fact she had been introduced and was still mothering the injured bird.
‘Nice to meet you,’ Scarlett smiled falsely. Flic nodded and muttered the words back to her.
Visibly stung by the lack of enthusiasm, Scarlett turned to Vicky and mouthed the words, ‘Snooty unhelpful cow?’ Vicky nodded and smothered a giggle.
‘Can we borrow your mirror?’ Vicky asked. ‘We had a mishap with this bird and we need to get tidied up.’
‘Right, I was going to ask about that,’ Scarlett mused, looking Vicky over then passing her the compact she had just used. ‘You’re all covered in dirt and you’ve got a feather in your hair.’
Vicky did a quick fix, explaining the details of what had happened – omitting the part about the mid-morning drinking session and offloading of problems – and then passed the mirror to Flic.
‘Do we have a box for Jesse? And a phone number for the RSPB?’ Flic asked rather than pick up the mirror.
‘Who’s Jesse?’ Scarlett scowled.
‘The pigeon,’ Flic blinked back.
Vicky gestured to Scarlett with a brisk shake of her head not to correct her and breezed, ‘Yes, of course, we’ll just go look for both,’ before ushering Scarlett from the room.
‘Didn’t you have a good moan about her on Christmas Eve when you phoned to chase up a bill?’ Scarlett mumbled, emptying packets of photocopier paper from a box to make a bird bed.
‘Yes, and she was a pain in the arse, but I hit her with a pigeon. And she’s already having a shit day, she just got made redundant!’ Vicky whispered.
‘What? On the first working day of the year? That’s harsh!’ Scarlett gasped. ‘And it’s not a pigeon, it’s a seagull.’
‘Oh God, she’s got me saying it now,’ giggled Vicky.
‘And he’s got a name. His name is Jesse!’ Scarlett snorted.
Vicky grabbed a copy of the Yellow Pages and tugged Scarlett’s arm to pull her back to the office.
‘Right, let’s find that number,’ Vicky sighed, settling down at her desk and flicking through the pages of the directory while Scarlett helped Flic to get the bird nestled in the cardboard box.
At that moment, the office door swung open dramatically and all three women snapped their heads around to look.
‘Morning all! Happy New Year!’ the man announced, a little too cheerfully considering this was an undertaker’s office.
‘Happy New Year!’ Vicky rose from her seat and reached up to kiss the man on the cheek.
‘Happy New Year,’ Scarlett nodded nonchalantly.
‘Oooh, going to introduce me to the new girl?’ he grinned in the direction of Flic.
‘This is Flic. Flic, this is Adam, my little brother,’ Vicky joked, as he was clearly at least a foot taller than she was.
Flic smiled and stood up to extend her hand. Adam moved towards her and returned the smile.
‘I think we might have already met,’ Adam mused.
‘Yes, we have. You work at the gym, don’t you?’ Flic checked.
‘I do indeed,’ he winked as he shook her hand.
Vicky’s eyes darted around the room; first to Adam who had adopted a swagger that could put out a fire as he walked towards Flic; then to Flic who was cooing at Adam with wide-eyed admiration; then to Scarlett whose face showed that she was clearly disgusted at the blatant flirting. She looked ready to vomit.
‘You here for a reason?’ Vicky halted Adam in the middle of a sales pitch geared at Flic to sign up for a full membership and an offer to be her personal trainer.
‘Yeah, for two reasons actually. One, I want the password to Bidean’s Tête-a-net account. She’s the family pet and I don’t see why you should be the one in control of her profile. And two, what time am I expected round for dinner tonight?’
Vicky groaned, ‘That account was just to spy on Ian, I’ve shut it down already. And come round at six.’
‘Well, I’ll open it up again and take control of it. And tell Mum to set an extra place, I’m bringing Maggie with me.’
‘Who’s Maggie?’ Vicky wheedled.
‘My new partner,’ Adam grinned. ‘I’ll explain it all tonight. I’m off. I’ll see you all later. Nice seeing you out of your gym clothes, Flic.’ With that he clambered out of the room and closed the door as theatrically as he had opened it.
‘Going so soon? What a shame!’ Scarlett tittered, too late for him to hear her.
‘Great. My brother has a new girlfriend and I know nothing about it until he starts referring to her as his partner!’ Vicky moaned.
‘I’ll bet it’s that trollop Maggie who used to live across the road from you,’ Scarlett stirred.
‘Nooooo. Surely not! She tried to steal Colin from me a couple of years ago,’ Vicky reminisced. Her heart sank thinking her brother was involved with a woman who had tried to steal her ex-boyfriend.
‘They must have got together fairly recently. He told one of my friends at the gym last week he was single. And he gives off single vibes,’ Flic pondered aloud.
Vicky had almost forgotten Flic was there and glanced over at her. She saw disappointment flash in her eyes – not for the first time today. This was a different kind of disappointment though.
‘You’re right Flic. He does give off single vibes. He was really flirty with you. I reckon if you’re interested, you should find a way to suss out the competition,’ Scarlett enthused, while Vicky attempted a look of warning in her direction.
‘So I can see that she’s perfect? Ten years younger than me, prettier without make-up and a lot less miserable than I’m sure I look today? I’ve already had enough of an ego battering for one day, thanks!’ Flic surmised.
‘You should invite Flic round for dinner Vicky. She can suss out the competition. You can make amends for whacking her with Jesse the pigeon. And Adam can make a decision about whether he wants to be a devoted partner to Maggie or flirt with a woman he knows from the gym,’ Scarlett smirked.
Vicky squirmed a little in her seat and glared at Scarlett. She was sick of the constant bickering between Scarlett and Adam. Why did Scarlett want to help Flic get her claws into him anyway? They barely knew this woman. Flic and Adam would be such an odd couple. Flic was much older than him for a start, and Vicky really didn’t want Adam going out with the kind of woman who sits on a bench drinking in the morning.
‘Don’t feel you have to, it’s really ok,’ Flic flustered, clearly embarrassed at Scarlett’s pushing.
Vicky felt cornered. She had trouble saying no at the best of times but this was just too much! Not inviting Flic would feel rude now. Flic clearly wanted to see Adam and his reaction to seeing Flic in the office suggested he would be happy to see her too. But he had never been a cheater so Vicky couldn’t understand how he could flirt if he had a new girlfriend called Maggie. If his girlfriend was the Maggie she was thinking of th
ough, she would be delighted to let Flic try to steal him away.
Vicky weighed up the potential sisters-in-law. Snooty unhelpful cow with fabulous mascara or slapper who tried to break her heart? No contest really.
‘Honestly, I’d be happy to have you round for dinner. I owe you one after the…..pigeon incident.’
Flic beamed. ‘Ok then, I’d love to!’
2
VICKY’S BLOG
3rd January – Guess Who’s Coming To Dinner
Do you remember my blog about the ironically named Felicity? The woman who sounds like she needs a shag and is the most joyless bitch on the phone. The woman I have to call on a regular basis to cough up money from estates to pay the funeral bills. The woman who needs to learn customer service skills.
She’s my new best friend and is coming to dinner at my house tonight.
Why? It’s a long story. The short version is I hit in her in the face with a pigeon. But it was me who ended up looking like I’d been in a fight with a bird. Then I took her to my office to get tidied up. Adam then dropped by announcing he had a new girlfriend called Maggie. I suspect Maggie is the trollop who tried to pinch Colin a couple of years ago while I was still with him - but it was clear Adam and Flic fancied each other. So Scarlett (who is always bickering with Adam for no reason) stirred things up by saying I should invite her to dinner.
So I did. But only because I don’t want Adam to end up with Slaggy Maggie.
It’s years since I invited anyone other than Colin or Scarlett to dinner at my parents’ house. People ask too many questions about how much money they’ve got and how they got it. These are questions I am far too humiliated to answer. Adam’s embarrassing because he thinks he’s the next Mr. Universe. And Pamela…..well, she’s Pamela. It’s only a matter of time before Sasha acquires her own quirks. The sooner I get my own place, the better.
