by Lacey Dearie
‘Babysitter?’ she quavered. Part of the attraction of this job was the she didn’t need to find babysitters for Sasha because it was all done from home. Maybe this wasn’t going to work after all. ‘There won’t be any babysitters, Sasha’s no trouble,’ Vicky assured him.
‘She WILL be welcome at ALL our meetings,’ Flic asserted, looking Magnus right in the eye. ‘That is not negotiable.’
‘I’m sure that won’t be a problem and you can iron out the details later,’ Peter interrupted. ‘I just want my story and my money.’
‘So much for me doing the talking,’ Vicky muttered and flopped onto an uncomfortable cold metal chair, feeling defeated.
‘Come round at seven tomorrow night, to Vicky’s house. We can all meet there and have the first meeting of…what’s your business called?’ Magnus enquired.
‘Flic and Vic’s Private Dics.’ Flic slurred her attempt at a joke. Vicky wondered when this name had been decided. She thought they didn’t have a name yet.
‘Not exactly anonymous, is it? We’ll need to discuss changing that,’ Magnus sneered.
So far that night, Vicky hadn’t been tempted to drink from Flic’s hipflask. Until now. Magnus was taking over and she suspected this would not be as much fun as it had first sounded. She could see herself handing over full control to Magnus within a month. And being happy to do it.
‘Any word on Adam yet?’ Pamela breezed, parking herself and the sleeping toddler she was holding on a chair in the centre of the room.
‘No, nothing yet.’ Vicky was glad to see Pamela for a second. She was relieved that Sasha was with her again and thought the subject would be changed now that they had returned. She then became aware of the grin on Pamela’s face and knew there was mischief on her sister’s mind.
Pamela smirked as she announced, ‘I want to be a partner too.’
7
3rd February
CAUGHT IN A HUNE-TRAP
By Peter Blackwood
It was something I did every day. I logged on to my Tête-a-net profile to check what my old school friends and colleagues were doing this weekend. I noticed I had a friend request and a message.
An attractive redhead in stilettos and a nurse’s uniform - her dress unzipped to generously reveal her cleavage – stared provocatively at the camera and invited me to be her friend.
In her message, she wrote: "You look like a man this nurse could take care of," clearly hoping for protracted flirty correspondence. I was tempted to flirt back but I responded that I was soon to be married.
"Your relationship with your fiancée doesn’t bother me. You'd be amazed how many illicit conversations I’ve had with men who are taken," she announced – then sent me another picture of her, this time in a black polkadot bikini.
I was gullible and I was drawn into an exchange of messages. I found myself admitting that I too had been unfaithful in the past.
It was foolish, but it was just lighthearted chit-chat. Regrettably for me, the woman I was conversing with was a “HunE-trapper” - hired by my fiancée to test my loyalty.
The profile was a fake and the login details and password were soon handed over to my fiancée. The consequences could have been disastrous for my relationship – had I not been able to explain that the fling I spoke of happened three years before I met my beloved.
For the temptress, known only as The Pink Cougar, it was simply another day at the office, another day’s wages earned in what many will consider an immoral profession. To me, it was careless banter which could have destroyed my relationship.
Her partner, Magnum PMT, brags, "Compliments are the best way to start a conversation. Ego massaging goes a long way. In real life flirting is much easier and more physical but when you’re online the only way to get a man’s attention is a saucy picture and some flattering words.
"If you then play on your own immorality, the guy will be putty in your hands. He has to be able to trust you, and if he thinks you’re the same kind of cheater as him, he’s more likely to fall for it. There’s no way he’d admit an affair to someone who thinks having a bit on the side is wrong.”
What do The Pink Cougar and Magnum PMT think of the poor wives and girlfriends who have had their dreams destroyed? Other than some careless boasting, which could be lies, and some naïve flirting, there is no hard evidence of cheating.
The Pink Cougar is dismissive. "Nobody who was faithful would lie about having cheated.
“We’re employed to provide a service. If the clients find out something they don’t like, they only have themselves to blame. If you’d rather not know, don’t hire us.”
The Hun E-trap Investigators comprises a team of four individuals, three females, and one male who oversees the financial side of things and is heavily involved in the decision making.
So how did the girls become involved in such a bizarre profession?
Magnum PMT, a single mother, explains bitterly, "I discovered that my own boyfriend had a wife and family and I had no idea. I obviously dumped him right away, but the way I found out was through social networking. That’s how I met him too. I was sure there were other men out there using social networking to be unfaithful, and that's really what gave us the idea.
"It sounded glamorous, and far more exciting than my day job. The fact I can do it all from the comfort of my own home means I stay safe and don’t have to look for childcare for my daughter.”
The Pink Cougar continues, “I was made redundant. I worked in a stuffy office previously. I’m still sitting at a desk all day, but now instead of menial administration tasks, I’m like a virtual Bond Girl. It rocks!”
Are they recruiting new honeys? The male team member, known only as Sherlock Poems says, “For now we’re complete, but let us know, email your CV, we may give you a go!
"Be witty and charming and sexy for sure, appear genuine, even through lies to allure. But most important is a good memory, remember the lies to conceal real identities.”
The fourth member of the team, Haircurl Poirot, is their creative assistant, in charge of creating the characters they use as their honeys. She has no part of the investigation side of the company as she is under eighteen.
"I love my job and as soon as I leave school I’m going to start working for the business full time. I’m not allowed to do any of the exciting stuff yet because of my age, but I don’t think I’d have time for it anyway due to having to concentrate on my Chaka Demus and Pliers tribute musical that I’m writing. And my school work. Of course.
"People wonder where I come up with the ideas for honeys. It just comes naturally to me. Making things up is a talent I’ve always had. Magnum PMT used to do it but it wasn’t her niche. Truthfully, she was crap at it.
“Sometimes I go into great detail. I give the honeys families and jobs and make them all friends with each other. I even gave one a husband and a baby. I got a picture off Google to use. I just Googled ‘man with baby’ and used the first picture that came up.”
The agents are keen to keep their real identities secret, even from their clients. The Pink Cougar lives alone in Inverness and admits that she hasn't told even her closest family of her new job.
“I’m proud of what I do and I’m good at it. I’m not sure what other people would think, but who cares. I’ve almost lost my boyfriend already when he found out and I doubt if my mother would approve, but I’m providing a service and it’s well-paid. There is a seedy element to what I do. It’s not a good feeling to know that I’ve played a part in the break up of a relationship, but I’m merely the match setting the fuel alight. If there was no fuel, there would be nothing to catch fire.
“Knowing that these men are liars and scumbags makes my job much easier though. And their long suffering wives or girlfriends can move on to men who deserve them.”
As more and more men are duped into falling for these virtual conquests on a daily basis, are these cheaters any worse than the men who cheat physically?
The Pink Cougar’s answ
er is, “That’s for our clients to decide.”
8
MAGNUM PMT’S BLOG
5th February – The HunE-trap Goes National!
We’re famous! The article from Thursday’s local paper written by Peter Blackwood about our company is going national and will be published in a Sunday paper tomorrow. He cruelly hasn’t told us which one and says we’ll have to go to the paper shop to find out in the morning. How mean!
The Pink Cougar is slightly pissed off that his version of events in the article isn’t exactly accurate, but Sherlock Poems has brushed those concerns aside. He says it doesn’t need to be strictly true, as long as we get the publicity.
Since starting our company, (which we’ve now named HunE-trap Investigations after the article) at the beginning of last month, a lot seems to have happened. I now find myself saying, “Ian Who?”
Firstly, we’ve set up this website for our company. It doesn’t show the name as well as we’d like it to. Looks like hune trap. What is a hune trap anyway? But we can always get another domain name later. We just wanted to get things up and running because we knew we’d get tons of business in Inverness following Peter’s article.
And now that people all over the country will be reading it, the sky’s the limit!
I’ll continue to blog on the HunE-trap site so our clients can read about what we’re up to. I’ll update it on a Sunday after every staff meeting.
Our price list has been added to our site. Any questions, please email The Pink Cougar. We’ll all be setting up individual accounts on Tête-a-net so you can add us to your contacts if you wish to ask us questions about our work or hire us to investigate someone for you. We will use honeys on Tête-a-net primarily. If you wish us to investigate on another site, please email us to discuss. Please note we do NOT accept real life assignments under any circumstances.
Finally, it looks like we’ll be expanding already. The Pink Cougar’s boyfriend, my brother, (PI name Lame Bond on account of his broken leg) will be joining us soon. He’s put plans to start his own business on hold after a car accident put him out of action and he’s spending his convalescence period working with us. Which means we will not only be investigating cheating men, but now also cheating women. We are an equal opportunities business!
9
6th February
Christos wants to chat with you!
Vicky says…
Hiya Christos *mwah*
Christos says…
Hello agapi mou :) I was just reading your latest Magnum PMT blog
Vicky says…
What do you think of it?
Christos says…
I still think you’re mad for going ahead with all this.
Vicky says…
I know :) Did you see Peter’s article in the local paper?
Christos says…
No, I didn’t manage to get a paper this week
Vicky says…
I’ll send it to you…
Vicky says…
You got it?
Christos says…
Yup, I’m reading it now. Did this really happen? I thought he didn’t take the bait?
Vicky says…
That wasn’t a good enough story so he used a little…artistic licence, shall we say?
Christos says…
So it’s made up then?
Vicky says…
Yeah.
Christos says…
Oh jeez. He makes it sound like Magnus is your pimp.
Vicky says…
LOL
Christos says…
That’s not funny :/
Vicky says…
I thought Flic came out quite badly from the way it was written. Makes her sound like a total bitch.
Christos says…
I agree
Vicky says…
So, from reading that would you hire us?
Christos says…
No, but from reading that I’d be a lot more careful about who I become friends with online :P
Vicky says…
Do you think it will put cheaters off flirting online?
Christos says…
Not sure but I’m definitely going to question everyone I become friends with now
Vicky says…
Listen, I can’t talk long, we’re having our staff meeting tonight
Christos says…
Whose house this time?
Vicky says…
Flic’s. It makes sense since she and Adam are both there. I’m a bit worried about travelling over there in the snow :S
Christos says…
You be careful. Leave Sasha at home with your parents if you can.
Vicky says…
I can’t, they’ll want to know why I’m swanning off to Flic’s in this weather. Too many questions.
Christos says…
Just tell them what you’re doing
Vicky says…
I can’t! I gave them such a hard time about how they made their living. I’d look like a bit of a hypocrite if I told them about this.
Christos says…
Will you PLEASE tell me what your parents do?
Vicky says…
For the last time, no.
Christos says…
BRB
Christos says…
OMG, I found out what your mum does!
Vicky says…
How???
Christos says…
I looked up your house on the voters’ roll to get their names, then Googled them :P
Vicky says…
What did it come up with?
Christos says…
For your mum, all I’ll say is…99 :P
Vicky says…
Fuck!
Vicky says…
So now you know
Christos says…
Am I right???????
Vicky says…
Yeah
Christos says…
Really? I didn’t think I’d got the right Maria Robertson! Your mum really invented the world’s best selling sex toy?
Vicky says…
Yes. She put her engineering degree to good use.
Vicky says…
Please forget we had this conversation.
Christos says…
Ok. Done. How are Flic and Adam getting on?
Vicky says…
Like a house on fire. I can’t believe they’re living together. ALREADY. They only just met. You’ll never guess what he told me yesterday. Apparently he was trying to text her to say he never wanted to see her again and that’s when he crashed. He thinks it’s a sign that he’s supposed to be with her.
Christos says…
Sounds like a crap reason to move in with someone to me.
Vicky says…
That’s what I thought too. But he’s very superstitious. He thinks it’s meant to be.
Christos says…
Bonkers! How are things going with Magnus?
Vicky says…
Pretty good :) We’ve been having lots of long chats. He told me about all his travels, and how he used to play football semi-professionally. He’s been playing some of the songs he’s written to me. Did I tell you he plays guitar? And he’s planning to go to eastern Europe this summer. He spends his holidays every year volunteering. Last year he helped build a school somewhere. This year he’s working at an orphanage.
Christos says…
Wow. Sounds like he’s pretty perfect. Athletic, successful, talented, caring. Where’s the flaws?
Vicky says…
Not sure. I can’t understand why he’s single. But I don’t care really. It means he’s free to be with me once we know each other better! I told him about how I had post natal depression and he actually sat down with me and we worked out a plan for the coming year to help me cope with work and the business and looking after Sasha. He’s just so caring!
Christos says…
If he sounds too good to be true, he probably is.
Vicky says…
You old cynic! :P
Christos says…
Guilty as charged LOL
Vicky says…
Before I go, can I ask you a favour?
Christos says…
For you agapi mou, anything ;)
Vicky says…
You know how Pamela wanted in on the business?
Christos says…
Yeah
Vicky says…
And she said she’d blow the whistle on us on Tête-a-net if we didn’t let her join us?
Christos says…
Yeah
Vicky says…
Well, she’s not content to be just the creative director any more. She says she wants at least one investigative job. We don’t want to give her a real client because of her age and because we don’t think she’s discreet enough
Christos says…
Ok…
Vicky says…
We thought we might give her a fake assignment just to keep her happy
Christos says…
Where do I come in to this?
Vicky says…
You’re the fake assignment :)
Christos says…
*groan* what do I have to do?
