by Lacey Dearie
Our job is not a happy one.
I need to tell you about our most disturbing assignment so far. Flic and I agreed not to tell anyone, but I need to get it off my chest. We have been investigating Flic’s ex-husband, George, at the request of his new wife, Amy – her ex protégée. How did this unhappy assignment fall into our laps? Courtesy of Adam, our newest team member, the appropriately named Lame Bond. Lame was on account of his broken leg before but now it has a whole new meaning. He stupidly sent a marketing email to Amy, the new wife and ex protégée “for a laugh” and she took us up on it. Yes, we should have declined the assignment. But after a few glasses of champers, Flic decided revenge would be sweeter than the cocktails she drinks for breakfast, lunch and dinner. We are now legally required to fulfil our contractual obligations and HunE-trap Flic’s ex. Oh joy.
We did make a rule that we don’t accept anyone we know as a client. That’s now had to be disregarded. The problem we had was how to trap the rat. We couldn’t use our own pictures because we would be found out.
We decided the best course of action was to pay a Big Issue seller to come to my house, get a makeover and pose for pictures. Then we used those photos for the fake profile. Obviously. Isn’t that what everyone would do faced with our problem?
The stupidity doesn’t stop there. Oh no. We haven’t actually told Lame Bond or Sherlock Poems (I’m going to stop calling him that, his poems are shite) about the assignment. Because we know they would disapprove. And possibly hate us. And Flic would get dumped. And Magnus would never get romantically involved with me after it. So to cover our tracks (ha!) we decided to use the same honey we’re using to trap George to befriend Adam and Magnus. Because they would never suspect the honey was us. We all agreed that our honeys wouldn’t be friends online, in any way, shape or form, with our real selves.
It blew up in our faces because Magnus recognised the girl in the picture. He started asking questions and we blocked him. That was three weeks ago. He hasn’t mentioned anything about her to us. Well, he wouldn’t. We did, however, try to find the Big Issue seller and warn her. We had no success. She seems to have vanished now. Someone else is selling magazines on her pitch and they don’t know where she’s gone.
In the meantime, Flic is still trying to trap her ex-husband. She said it was best if she did it because she knows him inside out and knows exactly what turns him on. Well, clearly she doesn’t because it’s taken her three weeks already.
The lengths she has gone to in order to make the honey appear convincing are extraordinary. The character she created is a young Polish chambermaid, living in London, working at the Dorchester and enjoying a good social life. She’s now befriended everyone she can find who ever worked at the Dorchester hotel in London so that she can find out more about the job. She’s hoping to visit London soon to do some reconnaissance work. Flic has even signed up for Polish lessons, as her ex-husband has studied languages at uni and keeps trying to persuade the honey to teach him Polish.
It feels like I’m watching a very slow car crash. HELP!
Vicky
xx
*****
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: REVENGE IS A DISH WORST SERVED DRUNK
Date: 5th March
Hi Vicky
I’m not giving you a lecture, but seriously, what the hell were you thinking? Everyone in the town knows the girl who sells The Big Issue! I can’t believe you and Flic thought you’d get away with it.
If I were you, I’d just leave Flic to it. It’s her mess. Let her clear it up. But I’d delete Adam from the friends list too, if you haven’t already.
How are things going with you and Magnus?
Christos
xx
*****
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Re: REVENGE IS A DISH WORST SERVED DRUNK
Date: 5th March
I know I should leave Flic to it, but I feel partly responsible for all this because I should have taken control at the very beginning when I heard that Amy had been in touch. I should never have let it get this far. Part of me thinks I should tell Adam what’s going on due to family loyalty, but he’s already feeling so unhappy because of his accident. I can’t kick him when he’s down. And I sometimes feel that HunE-trap Investigations and his relationship with Flic are the only things keeping him going at the moment. I honestly think the best thing to do is keep quiet.
Things are going really well with Magnus. We’re not officially an item yet but we’re seeing each other three or four times a week now. And he’s stayed over, so surely that means we’re involved? I’ve been keeping an eye on his relationship status on Tête-a-net but he hasn’t changed it yet. That’s my signal. Once he changes it I’ll know he’s serious :)
Vicky
xx
*****
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Re: Re: REVENGE IS A DISH WORST SERVED DRUNK
Date: 5th March
That’s a tough call. I don’t know what I would do in that situation. You obviously want to be loyal to your brother, but it will affect your working relationship and friendship with Flic. I think you’re probably right to do what you’re doing though and keep quiet. Adam’s an adult. He can make his own decisions. I’d stay out of it.
I think this is why people should never date their friends’ brothers/sisters. It gets messy. Or their brother’s friends, for that matter. I’m not sure getting involved with Magnus in this way is a good move for you right now. You’re still fragile after Colin leaving, and then having a few disappointments when you started dating again. I don’t want to see you having another disappointment, agapi mou. Why not wait until you’re fully ready for a new relationship? Concentrate on yourself and Sasha right now. You don’t need a man to be happy. And I don’t think Magnus would be able to enhance your life at all.
Christos
xx
*****
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: REVENGE IS A DISH WORST SERVED DRUNK
Date: 5th March
I’m not as fragile as you think. I’m always concentrating on Sasha. She’s the most important person in my life. But I need to be happy too, and I’d like to have someone to share my life with.
Vicky
xx
*****
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: REVENGE IS A DISH WORST SERVED DRUNK
Date: 5th March
Ok, sorry. I just want you to be happy. That’s all.
Christos
xx
15
7th March
Flic looked down at the name of her tutor on the letter she had received confirming her place on the course. Mr. Pawel Dutkowiak. How on earth was she going to pronounce that? She then corrected herself. She didn’t need to be able to pronounce Polish correctly, just write a few words in order to make Diana a convincing honey.
She had searched the whole area looking for an evening class in Polish but had been unsuccessful. Then she went back to the Debenhams café and asked the man who had served her the day she created Diana if he would consider teaching her the basics. He had taken the idea on board and a week later, not only had he called her to arrange a time for her first lesson, he said she had given him the idea that he should run an evening class teaching his native language. He had made flyers and put an advert in the local paper. He now had ten students.
Flic smiled and congratulated herself on making a positive difference in this man’s life. Perhaps some good would come of the unsavoury situation that had been created after all – in other people’s lives, if not her
own.
She lightly touched the doorbell and waited just a few seconds before Pawel opened the door.
‘Flic! We’ve been waiting for you. Class is about to start. Please come in, you’re very welcome to my home,’ he enthused.
‘So nice to see you again!’ She lightly kissed Pawel on each cheek, unaware if this was acceptable to Polish people or not. Well, it was how she greeted most people she liked, and she wasn’t going to stop just because he was foreign. ‘What a lovely home you have,’ she complimented without even caring enough to take the time to look at the surroundings.
‘You’re too kind, Flic. Please sit down. Help yourself to some tea or coffee and a cake,’ he smiled.
Flic briefly scanned the room for an empty chair and found one in between a burly looking man with grubby hands and a woman holding a notepad and pen. She gingerly perched on the edge of an uncomfortable looking high backed chair and removed her coat and gloves. Returning a smile from the woman with the notepad, she decided to follow the woman’s example and prepare for note-taking. She reached for her bag from the floor and removed her iPad and stylus.
‘Ooh, an iPad! Are they any good? I’ve always fancied one,’ boomed a male voice directly across the room from her.
Flic looked up and opened her mouth to reply when the woman sitting next to the man caught her eye. She looked very familiar. Flic was momentarily distracted and had to struggle to draw her attention back to the question.
‘Well, it’s come in handy in my line of work,’ she replied. Her eyes darted back to the woman. Was that…..? No, it couldn’t be. She looked a lot like Lumi. Except cleaner. And healthier. Her eyes were wary and guilty at the same time and they rolled around, looking anywhere but in Flic’s direction.
‘Oh, and what line of work is that?’ asked Mrs. Notepad.
‘I’m a private investigator,’ Flic winked. A chorus of oohs and aahs followed and Flic smirked. She still enjoyed the image of her line of work, even if she’d lost the enthusiasm for every other aspect of it.
Flic’s eyes again turned toward the woman she suspected may be Lumi. It was her. It had to be her! She was the only one who hadn’t looked impressed when Flic said what she did for a living.
She was tempted to continue looking at Lumi, waiting for eye contact, but decided it might attract attention and seem sinister to the other people in the room. She would wait until after the class was over and then approach her - if she was able to concentrate.
A conversation had begun amongst the others in the group about whether an iPad was better than a BlackBerry Playbook, which Flic only half-listened to. She looked at a checklist she had made for herself.
1 – Find out what Polish people eat and drink (i.e., types of tea, coffee, traditional Polish cakes and biscuits)
2 – Find out some more Polish names, to create a family for Diana
3 – Pick up information about Polish schooling system to create a background
None of it sounded too difficult. She could start by helping herself to the tea and coffee in front of her. She poured herself a cup of the coffee and searched the table for biscuits. Cupcakes? Caramel Wafers? Blue Riband? Penguins? What was this? It all looked suspiciously local.
Pawel entered the room and walked toward the window to draw the curtains.
‘Now our group is complete, we are ready to begin,’ he grinned. ‘Does everyone have enough to eat and drink?’
Everyone nodded and mumbled to suggest their satisfaction, except Flic and Lumi.
‘This coffee is wonderful? Is it Polish?’ Flic asked.
‘No, it’s Nescafe,’ Pawel blushed.
‘I see!’ she nodded. ‘Can I ask what kind of biscuits or cakes you would eat with coffee in Poland? It’s just, I want to get a feel for the lifestyle as well as the language,’ she continued.
‘Well, I personally wouldn’t have anything with my coffee, but if you’re interested you can visit my kitchen after the lesson and I’ll show you some of the Polish foods I buy here, when I visit Tesco,’ Pawel suggested.
‘Great!’ Flic purred.
She cursed inwardly. She had no idea how to stay behind and talk to Pawel AND speak to Lumi too, especially when Lumi didn’t look keen to acknowledge she’d ever met Flic. If they had been chatting and looked like they already knew each other, she could explain that, but Lumi was pretending Flic was a total stranger. Well, that made sense, Flic told herself. Lumi was here looking very respectable and tidy. Obviously she just came here to learn and wouldn’t want her personal life dragged out and broadcast to a room full of strangers.
‘So, I have spoken to you all individually, but I shall speak to the group now for a moment. My name is Pawel. I am from Krakow, I’m thirty-four and I have lived in Scotland for three years. I worked as a cabin steward for Ryanair in another life and gave up because of travel sickness. Now I work in a café. I’d like to teach Polish and this is my first class. Let’s have an ice-breaker. We can have everyone introduce themselves. Flic, how about you first?’
Flic stiffened at the thought of having the volunteer information to a room full of strangers. She cleared her throat and smiled as she silently affirmed to herself that she was confident, self-assured, and she could share anything she wanted and hide the rest.
‘My name is Flic. I’m from England. I’m…over twenty-one,’ she paused and pouted. Everyone seemed to appreciate the humour in her discretion over her age. ‘I’ve lived in Inverness for about five years and I work as a private investigator. I want to learn Polish for one of my cases.’ She clasped her hands around her knees, smiled warmly at everyone then expectantly looked back to Pawel.
‘Wonderful. You forgot to mention that you were the person who gave me the idea for this class,’ he winked. ‘Who is next?’
Flic pretended to be attentive as she listened to each person in turn divulge what she considered to be too much information about themselves. She was certain that she could find most of them online now and check them out if she wanted to. The only one she really wanted to hear talk was Lumi – to find out where she had been. She still had to warn her that Magnus may approach her.
They took turns in a clockwise direction and Lumi’s turn finally came.
‘And now, Diana, would you like to tell us about yourself?’ Pawel encouraged.
Diana? Flic attempted to mask the confusion which must have been evident on her face. Had she made a mistake? Was that not Lumi?
‘My name is Diana, I am twenty-one and I have my own business. I live locally. I want to learn Polish for fun and curiosity,’ she informed her classmates. She spoke quietly, with the same soft accent she had when Flic and Vicky had spoken to her alone, rather than the harsh exaggerated tones Flic had witnessed when Lumi was selling magazines. It was definitely her. But for some reason she had changed her name.
For the first time that evening, the two of them made eye contact. That was why Lumi had appeared guilty, Flic surmised. She was using a fake name and didn’t want Flic to give the game away. Of course.
She winked in Lumi’s direction and Lumi snapped her head back to Pawel.
‘Thank you Diana, we look forward to getting to know you better,’ he beamed. ‘Now, let’s begin with something simple, like a greeting.’
*****
The two hours which followed passed slowly for Flic. She was attentive and made notes whenever possible, although the spellings of words compared with how they sounded when Pawel pronounced them baffled her. For the most part, she ignored Lumi and pretended not to know anything about her and instead chatted to Mrs. Notepad next to her like they were old friends. When Pawel announced the class was over and anyone who wanted to stay behind and visit his kitchen was welcome to do so, Flic caught sight of Lumi grabbing her bag and coat, heading towards the door hurriedly.
She shot from her chair and rushed after Lumi, leaving her own bag and coat sitting in Pawel’s living room, calling to Pawel that she would be back in a minute.
Lumi was
heading down the path when Flic caught her.
‘Diana! Wait! I need to tell you something.’
Lumi peered over her shoulder at Flic and sighed. ‘What is it? I’m in a hurry.’
‘Vicky and I tried to look for you. We had a problem.’
‘I’m not selling magazines anymore. I moved on.’
‘Where to?’ Flic probed.
‘I have my own business now. Did you see the cupcakes on the table tonight? I brought them. I sell cupcakes in the shopping mall. I have my own stall,’ she divulged.
‘Cupcakes?’ Flic repeated.
‘Yes. I make them myself. And I decorate them. My boyfriend owns the stalls in the shopping mall. He suggested the idea. You should visit me and buy some. You look like you could use a few cupcakes. No offence,’ she said, looking Flic up and down.
Flic held her tongue, although she was tempted to let rip. Cheeky mare. Who was she to comment on Flic’s figure? Instead she dazzled a smile and said, ‘Congratulations on your new business. I’ll come and buy some of your cupcakes next time I’m in the town centre.’
