For months, I kept it all bottled up inside. I had no one to talk to. I wasn’t even sure what had really happened. All I remembered was the sharp pain of his probing fingers. When I went for my first OB-GYN checkup, the doctor thought I was crazy when I tensed up so badly she couldn’t complete the exam. Instead of figuring out that something was wrong, she ended up getting annoyed that I was holding her up when she had a waiting room full of patients to see. I was overreacting. I needed to relax. But having her hands down there brought everything rushing back. After fifteen minutes of trying a variety of different speculums, she made me sit up and get dressed, advising me to reschedule when she could devote more time to completing the exam, but I never went back.
Then Kelly arrived with Brian. They were on their way to visit his brother, but I didn’t pay much attention at the time. I was too caught up in myself. Kelly noticed right away that something was wrong, and she cornered me on the tire swing in the backyard. I knew she’d been studying advance levels of psychology and I thought maybe she could help me. I told her everything. She didn’t judge me or make me feel bad about myself, but she didn’t exactly offer words of comfort either. She seemed excited about the details of ’my case’ and thought that I’d be a perfect fit for a clinical study her thesis advisor was conducting. His name was Dr. George Savoy and he was looking for people interested in sharing their traumatic experiences. She convinced me that I was a good fit and that I might be able to help others facing a similar situation.
When I hesitantly said I’d think about it, Kelly immediately called Dr. Savoy on her cell. She handed me her phone and said that he had a couple of questions he wanted to ask me. The interview went on for the next half hour with Kelly observing me from across the yard. His voice was hypnotic and I couldn’t believe how much time had passed when I finally hung up.
Kelly seemed super excited that I was going to assist them in their very important research. When Brian came out of the house after being stuck inside with my father, he motioned to Kelly that he wanted to leave. She whispered in my ear that she’d be in touch and how proud she was of me. Standing on the front porch, my dad tilted his head in our direction. But thankfully Kelly was able to avoid an interrogation when Brian blared the horn, urging her to hurry. Dodging my father, she ran toward the car, giving me an overly enthusiastic wave as they drove away.
After that, I talked to Dr. Savoy once a week on the phone, sometimes more. I was always shocked at how time seemed to fly whenever we spoke. Hours felt like minutes. I’d start a conversation with him while basking in the afternoon sun only to find myself in the dark when the call was over.
Dr. Savoy was especially interested in my dreams about Adam, which had started the night after Kelly’s visit. He wanted to know all about him. He thought it was my brain’s way of protecting itself after dealing with a traumatic sexual experience. I created in my head the perfect guy who would save me from my problems. He was the one who should’ve been my first kiss but wasn’t. In order to deal with the disappointment and shame that accompanied the events in the front seat of that car, I fashioned for myself a boyfriend I could handle. One I wanted to be with, one who didn’t push me too far.
He thought that, coupled with my poor physical health, the mental blow was a shock to my system. My immune deficiency would only worsen if I didn’t address my psychological issues. And he was right. Throughout the winter, I battled one illness after another, just wanting to feel normal again.
Dr. Savoy recommended that I sleep for longer periods of time. He felt that, by allowing my dreams to play out, they might reach a logical conclusion. When I’d dreamed that I lost my virginity to Adam, he saw it as a major breakthrough, signaling that I was ready to get back out there. He urged me to start dating, convinced that it was an essential step toward making a full recovery.
But that simplistic diagnosis only made me mad. I’d never even dated before Jennifer’s bachelorette party, so why would I jump into it now when my confidence was at an all-time low? Stubbornly, I refused to comply with his request, and Dr. Savoy wasn’t too keen on my obstinance. He even had Kelly call me, but to no avail. When my dad overheard a portion of our conversation, he told me to tell Kelly that he didn’t want me dating—end of discussion. He had no idea why she was being so adamant about it, so he got on the phone and gave her a good tongue-lashing. It was the only time I was ever grateful for his overbearing personality.
Soon after that, I stopped accepting Dr. Savoy’s calls, and Kelly’s pleas began to get desperate. They were so close to finishing the study. Why couldn’t I go on a date so they could wrap things up? Why was I making such a big deal out of it? Probably because I was scared out of my mind and she failed to realize it. It hurt that she was more concerned about her work than she was about me.
I was texting her off and on but letting her calls go to voice mail. It wasn’t until she left me a message that she was pregnant and that Brian had asked her to marry him that I decided to bury the hatchet. She was already six months along and I was a little upset that she’d waited so long to tell me, but I let it slide. She was so excited to have her wedding in the Outer Banks that she made me put my dad on the line, even though they hadn’t spoken since their big blow up. He didn’t say a word as she rattled on for nearly ten minutes. I started to get really worried, but finally he caved, saying I could attend as long as that damn paramedic was going to be there in case anything went wrong.
***
“Adam, I don’t think I’m ready to sleep with you.” My words hit him like a blow, causing him to reel back. “And I don’t think I’ll be ready any time soon.”
“Is this about what happened earlier? Because if it is…” Adam rakes his hands through his hair, suddenly afraid to touch me.
“It’s not.” I can’t believe the way he’s looking at me right now. A range of emotions is battling for dominance, his face expressing everything from surprise to disappointment to anger. He doesn’t know how to handle me, and it makes me sad. For some reason, I was hoping I wouldn’t have to explain, that he’d just understand. But it turns out he’s just a boy thinking with his dick.
“Then what?” He’s trying so hard to control his temper. By the way his foot is thumping against the ground I can tell it’s taking every last ounce of restraint for him not to lose it in front of me. After driving through the night and half the day, his patience with me is wearing thin. I hate to have to put him to the test, but what if he’s not the person I thought he was?
“I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to have sex with anyone. Ever.” I bite my lip and wait for the verbal onslaught. What guy in his right mind wants to hear that? It’s like every dude’s worst nightmare.
“Katie, I don’t get it. You were fine in the Outer Banks when we were making out in your bedroom. Now all of a sudden you’ve flipped the script, and I have no idea what lines I’m supposed to say. I mean, how do I even respond to something like that?” He groans, propping his elbows on his knees, staring blankly ahead.
“I just want to let you know where I stand before we head up there. You only have one bed, and I—” His fingers dance across my lips, covering them before I can finish.
“Did some guy ever do something to you? Tell me the truth.” The directness of his question stuns me. Maybe he does understand me on some higher level. Maybe I was too hasty in writing him off.
“Why would you say that?” I stall for time, debating how much I want to tell him.
“Just answer the question.” His eyes have darkened into nearly a cobalt blue, highlighting the intensity of his gaze. He’s not going to be deterred on this.
“Yeah, I had a bad experience with a guy about a year ago.” I blink, unable to endure his penetrating stare. “Let’s leave it at that.”
“Let’s not.” He doesn’t mean to sound sarcastic, but he does and it makes me want to pull away from him. “Tell me what he did to you.”
“Adam, I—” I’m not going to be forced into talking
about this. He needs to back off.
“Katie, if we have any chance of moving forward, you’re going to have to tell me.” He runs his fingers down my arm in a soothing gesture, but I don’t feel the least bit comforted. Instead, I feel ambushed.
“So sex is that important to you, huh?” Now it’s my turn to be angry.
“That’s not what I—” He starts backpedaling, but I won’t let him.
“Sure it is. It’s all guys think about. You can’t deal with the fact that you finally found your dream girl and she doesn’t want to fuck you.” I never swear, but I need to get my point across somehow. “Admit it. It’s a blow to your ego.”
“No, it sounds like a cry for help from a damaged girl.” He’s right, but his statement burns through my soul.
“And you’re not damaged? Give me a break. At least I don’t whore myself out to deal with my problems.” I’m twisting things back onto him to avoid this line of questioning.
“Yeah, and it really brought me clarity, didn’t it? I was only covering up my pain, but in a different way. We’re both alike whether you want to admit it or not.” The rawness of his voice kills me. He’s opening himself up, letting it all hang out—his mistakes, his flaws, his insecurities. But I’m too buttoned up to do the same; I’m crueler than he ever could be. I’m denying him any form of intimacy, be it emotional or physical. I think I’m inaccessible, but he’s knocking down my barriers one by one like he knows them by name.
“Where do you get off comparing me to you? You’re the one who couldn’t deal with his shit and got somebody pregnant.” There, I said it. I was trying so hard not to throw it back in his face, but he drove me to it.
“You’re never going to let that go, are you?” Adam smacks his hand loudly against the railing. “I don’t want it coming between us because there’s nothing I can do about it now. Besides, this is about more than just the baby, isn’t it?”
“Try and double talk me all you want, Adam. It’s not going to change the fact that you slept with my freaking cousin. I don’t care if she ended up pregnant or not. You still lied to me, and you were going to keep lying to me if Brian hadn’t let everyone in on your little secret.” I’m so angry I can hardly see straight. I slide away from him, bracing myself against the wall. I can’t stand to be near him right now.
“Katie, we can rehash this all you want, but if you can’t get past it, this relationship isn’t going to work.” His eyes are like daggers, drilling into me. This is not how I pictured things going with him.
“Do you want me to leave?” I start to stand when he grabs me by the arm.
“No, I want you to talk to me.” He’s pleading with me to let him in. “What did that guy do to you?”
“Why are you so obsessed with this? It’s nothing.” His persistence is overwhelming me. I don’t know what to do. Should I tell him?
“Then why are you trying to hide it?” He’s pushing me to a place I don’t want to go. He’s going to be sorry for opening this Pandora’s box that I don’t have the ability to close.
“I’m not.” I roll my eyes, exasperated.
He’s relentless, pressing his advantage. I can’t outmaneuver him verbally and he knows it. I’m either going to shut down and walk away or take a chance and tell him everything. There’s no middle ground left for me to stand on.
“You know Kelly’s boss?” I’m still deciding how to approach this. Where do I even start?
“Katie, if you’re going to avoid—” He turns away from me, disgusted.
“I’ve been seeing him.” I keep my voice steady, trying not to provoke him any further.
“Like…dating him?” He’s startled as he whirls around, his eyes locking on mine.
“No, not like that.” My inner shyness rears its head, setting my cheeks on fire.
“You mean professionally?” He looks at me thoughtfully. I can see his mind working, piecing things together.
“I was a participant in one of his studies.” For what good it did me. I certainly don’t feel miraculously cured, that’s for sure.
“But you’re not anymore?” He picks up on my use of the past tense, and here I thought he’d be more interested in what kind of study it was.
“No, I refused to complete the requirements.” It’s bizarre, but I stifle the urge to laugh. I sound ridiculous, even to myself. “I was supposed to go on a date with someone, but I wouldn’t.”
“That’s all?” The corner of his mouth twitches like he’s trying to suppress a grin. “Why was that so hard?”
“Because I didn’t want to go out with just anyone. I wanted to go out with…you.” There, I finally said it. I may as well admit that he’s my weakness. “But until a few days ago, I thought I’d made you up. I was wishing for someone who didn’t exist, and now you do.”
“I can relate to that.” He smiles up at me and my heart melts.
“Yeah, I bet you can.” I relax, smiling back at him.
“So what was the study about?” His fingers find mine, gripping them softly. “Because I don’t think it was about how to survive a traumatic workplace environment like the one Kelly pitched to me.”
“Wait a minute. What?” My head spins, and I squeeze his hand, trembling.
“When she was here in February, she kept pestering me to talk to Dr. Savoy and telling me about how he could help me cope.” His thumb grazes my knuckles, and it’s the only thing holding me together.
“Did you?” I hold my breath, waiting for his response.
“Yeah, I talked to him once, but it didn’t do any good. So I figured, why bother?” He huffs, indicating how preposterous it was to him. “Did he help you at all?”
“I’m not sure.” I never thought about the benefit of our conversations in such clear-cut terms before.
“Well, you’re here with me. That has to be a plus.” He chuckles, bringing my hand to his mouth and kissing it gently. “But I still owe you that date.”
“You were naked on my bed. I think that counts.” I can’t look at him as my face turns a deeper shade of crimson.
“What I wouldn’t give to have that happen again.” He glides my pinky finger into his mouth, and I gasp.
“Adam…” I sigh, not sure if I’m enjoying the sensation of his tongue on my finger or not. He falls back onto the steps, bringing my body to rest on top of him. He releases my finger, preferring my mouth. I kiss him back, but I’m pulled out of the moment when his hands find their way beneath my skirt.
“We’ll take it slow,” he whispers against my lips. “I just want you to get used to me touching you. I won’t hurt you, I swear.”
My lungs constrict when his fingers reach my inner thigh.
“It’s okay. I’ve got you,” he murmurs as he rocks his hips, positioning me over him. “I won’t let you fall.”
He thumbs the rim of my panties, and I grab his shoulder, bunching his shirt in my fist.
“See, doesn’t that feel good?” He buries his face in my neck, arching up to meet me. “My sweet Katie…”
He stretches back the elastic and I’m about to hyperventilate.
Every muscle in my body clenches when he slides a finger under the thin strip of fabric.
“Please stop,” I whimper, starting to shake.
He eases back out. “What’s the matter? Are you okay?”
I convulse against his chest, but mentally I shut down. He holds me, rubbing my shoulders, no doubt wondering what just happened.
“I’m so sorry, Katie. But you wouldn’t tell me and—” He breaks off, unsure of what to do or say.
“Now you know,” I say dully, unable to meet his eyes. “I was drunk. A guy I knew took advantage of me.” His chest tightens. “Not all the way, but close enough.” Adam holds on, not letting go. “Dr. Savoy was trying to help me, but I guess I’m still not over it.”
“I swear to God, Katie, I’m going to help you through this if it’s the last thing I do.” His hand rests firmly in my hair, cradling the back of my head. “
No pressure, no expectations, okay?”
“And what if you can’t fix me, Adam? What then?” I sob against the softness of his touch. “What if I can’t…?”
“Shhh, don’t say that.” His breath is warm as it brushes my forehead. “We’ll get there, Katie. I promise.”
Chapter Nineteen
Jada
It’s now or never, but I’m so not looking forward to this.
I ring the doorbell and try not to look at Adam’s Neon sitting in the driveway. I can’t think about the last time I was here. It seems like our walk in the woods happened a lifetime ago. For all I know, maybe it did, because now he’s drifting in a completely different orbit with someone else. I mean, whose secret crush comes back from the dead? Yeah, that’s what I’d call normal.
And it’s not like Katie wasn’t in the picture before. She was basically all Adam and I talked about anyway— Katie infiltrating his nightmares, Katie causing his massive guilt trip, Katie making him oblivious to every other girl. I’m so sick of Katie fucking Turner.
So it’s no wonder I groan when I see her descending the stairs to let me in.
“Jada, hey. When did you get back?” Katie glances over my shoulder as if expecting to see someone behind me. Too bad, I’m alone.
“Today.” I deliberately keep things brief. I’m not here to chitchat. “Is Adam around?”
“He’s…in bed,” she stammers. I want to overlook the fact that all she’s wearing is one of his shirts, but it’s kind of hard when she’s throwing their sex life back in my face. It doesn’t help that it’s the same Tri-County Ambulance shirt Adam let me borrow.
“Tough.” I brush past her and jog up the stairs. I need to see him.
“Jada, wait! It’s not what you think.” Shutting the door, she clambers after me.
“Oh, I bet. Trust me, sister. It’s nothing I haven’t seen before.” Ignoring her, I keep going until I reach the landing. But she surprises me by sprinting ahead to block the entrance with her body.
I Am Yours (Heartbeat #3) Page 11
