by Melody Rose
Rather than teleporting to my room, I chose to walk every flight of stairs as a means to clear my mind and settle my nerves. I had complimented Joan, if I recalled correctly, which was more than I had ever afforded a woman. With my status at Bouclier, the young mages who had flocked to me did not need to be slathered with flattery. A bit of eye contact, a mere touch, a single invitation to my quarters was enough to satiate the hunger of most.
Why not Joan, then? What would pique her appetite, and why did she not recognize my superiority over her?
As I finally reached my dormitory’s door, I entered my quarters, headed straight to the canopied bed, and sat at its foot as I gazed up at the ebony curtains ruefully. I couldn’t believe Joan hadn’t asked to see it. After all, Lydia, the witch hailed to be the most powerful and alluring of all the classes combined at Bouclier, was always eager to slither her way out of our studies in her skillful fashion. I could have the most selective woman at my beck and call and render her powerless in my hands, and surely that was enough to appease me. I tried to clutch onto that consolation, but I was still bitter.
I stroked my bed’s curtains in thought and rolled the rich fabric between my fingers. I combed my memory for encounters with Lydia and smirked with satisfaction, then considered how I had only seen Joan in a state of undress once. That couldn’t have been enough to bring a mage to his knees, it was just a bit of flesh. Although even I had to admit that there was no small amount of it with the lamb’s blood’s curvaceous figure, whereas Lydia was much leaner and more willowy. That couldn’t have been what tipped the odds in Joan’s favor when it came to stirring my utterly strange fascination with her.
Until I could thoroughly unravel this mystery and, in doing so, release the insolent human’s hold on me and erase these intrusive thoughts concerning her, I resolved to continue my investigation. If I could somehow find how to lure Joan out of her contempt for me, perhaps I could have fun with her and relieve myself. And if that didn’t work, I would just torment her until she was forced to leave Bouclier. At least then I could finally return to a sense of normalcy.
18
Joan
“Oh, lassie,” Chef Douglas clapped me on the shoulder to soothe me. “Don’t ye lose heart over young master’s words. He’s just rough as a crag, he is. Wouldn’t know a fine meal if rose up in front of him like a hydra from the deep seas!”
I sighed and welcomed his encouragement, especially because the last of the students filtering out of the dining hall cast mocking smirks or disapproving glares at me on their way. It was nice to have a familiar by my side nuzzling my leg, and one of the most essential academy staff publicly praising me where Theo had ripped me to shreds.
“Thank you, Chef.” I smiled weakly. “I wonder if I’ll ever learn my lesson. Every time I reach out to Theo, I get seriously burnt. I just can’t wrap my head around why he’s so cruel to both of us when we’ve put the work in preparing some real meals for him.”
The cook’s furry ears wilted as he glanced down at the floor, unable to create a convincing excuse to forgive Theo’s behavior. A silence fell over him, and then he retrieved a necklace from a crimson pouch that was secured to his belt. Unlike the silver or gold chains that I was familiar with, this piece of jewelry was designed with a leather cord that wrapped around an interesting green stone. This pendant glimmered when the light hit it and carried dark specks in its interior that gave it a sense of mystery and allure. It looked like a whole constellation lived underneath the iridescent surface.
“It’s beautiful!” I remarked in awe. “I’ve never seen one quite like it.”
As I gazed at the fascinating trinket, I felt the irritation of the morning dissipate, and a warm sense of endearment spread throughout me. Even Aurelius, who was worked up on my behalf, began to breathe slowly as a calmness washed over him.
“It’s pure aventurine, young missus, tumbled with bardic hymns,” Chef explained. “It’s soaked up tomes worth of stories and is charged with melodies of cheer and thankfulness for feasts summoned with a pure heart.”
He continued as tenderness shone in his eyes, “It was a gift handed to me by a young prince of Ísríki, the kingdom of ice palaces. He knew very little but his own ways, and they had but three dishes there if ye can believe it! I warmed his frozen heart usin’ a roast braised with cinnamon, and he’ll be forever changed, that he will!”
It was a sweet story, and I believed it. I had already seen how powerful Chef Douglas could be. While I didn’t doubt he could have this effect on a royal, I failed to see his point.
“Do you really think anyone could turn Theo around so much? Maybe one prince was able to regret his own close-mindedness, but what if that was the exception to the rule?” I couldn’t help myself as doubtful questions spilled out. “If that phenomenal brunch couldn’t get him to appreciate others, what will?”
Chef Douglas chuckled and then held the necklace over my head, lowering it until it could fall naturally. I blinked in surprise and quietly looked up at him in confused gratitude.
“Thank you, but why?” I cocked my head. I didn’t feel that a couple of good meals were worth an item that seemed so valuable.
“This here amulet is to always remember that others can change,” he told me in a tone that was both somber and hopeful. “And while ye wait, remember to keep yer head up, keep yer wits about you, and keep puttin’ yer heart in yer cookin’.”
I brushed my thumb against the cold, smooth stone and nodded. It seemed to warm with my touch immediately. After I soaked up my appreciation for Chef’s company and kind token, I heaved a sigh. I realized that I couldn’t stay here all day, and that if I were going to test my powers at Bouclier, I’d have to make an effort to stick to the program. I wondered what was expected of me first.
“I’ll cherish it, Chef,” I promised with sincerity, “and do my best to live by those words. Now that I’ve done all I can here for today, do you have any idea about what my first steps at this school are?”
He rubbed his horn as he considered my question. “Aye, well, if yer a first year, ye’ll want to go down to the scryin’ temple so that the djinn can take a look at ye and observe yer aura and pathways. Ye can’t take classes until ye do that.”
I nodded, even though almost none of those words made sense to me. “I see,” I claimed. “Well, where would I find that?”
“Ye’ll have to summon yer doppelgänger to show ye the way,” he revealed. “Only yer shadow self can guide ye for this because it knows yer deepest secrets and is essential for the ritual, ye see. I will help ye find it.”
He put his hands on his hips. “First, ye have to imagine a feelin’ you don’t tell anyone about, one ye keep locked up inside. That’s what the doppelgänger will feed on to manifest.”
Bouclier had already put me through the wringer and still wanted more. Would I always need to be so uncomfortable? I didn’t really know which emotion to tap into. I didn’t want to think about visions of Theo that I would never admit to, especially in front of Chef Douglas, but I wondered if there was any other way around it. Maybe it would be more appropriate to give into my revenge fantasy where my step-family was out on the streets? But that didn’t really feel genuine. I couldn’t be that cruel, even to them.
I’d have to go down the rabbit hole of picturing Theo in a scenario I wouldn’t dare speak about out loud. I laughed nervously, and Chef Douglas patted me nervously on the shoulder.
“Don’t ye worry, lassie. Best to do it somewhere private like ye room,” he advised. “I’ll just tell ye the chant, and then ye can speak it when ye’re somewhere by yerself. So, here it is, yes. Révèle mon ombre. Means ‘reveal my shadow.’ If ye say that while ponderin’ what I told ye, ye’ll be carried to the scryin’ temple.”
I repeated the chant in my head several times before I nodded in understanding. I gave him a tight hug.
“Thank you for everything, Chef! I feel a lot better already. I might survive this yet!” I laughed and waved him
goodbye.
“Aye! That’s the spirit, it is! Ye’ll find yer place with the fire in yer spirit and yer powerful heart. Good luck to ye!” he exclaimed, and with that, I walked out as Aurelius trailed behind me.
When I traveled through the corridors and up the staircases that lead to my room, I finally arrived at my door. My legs were mighty sore from all the steps I had scaled, and I wondered if this would be my means of getting around for the rest of my stay at Bouclier. Even though I had summoned a whole heap of pies and a brunch to boot, that was relatively easy because I enjoyed the thought of them so much. However, I didn’t really know how to romanticize walking up a bunch of stairs, so I guessed it would be awhile until I could teleport like Theo. At least I could be glad that Aurelius was happy to be getting exercise, and he seemed more serene than sleepy. He grinned up at me and wagged his tail.
I felt a little guilty because I’d have to leave him on his miniature couch temporarily while I took care of calling out to my doppelgänger. I didn’t really want him to be around for that. I was glad I didn’t have to do much to persuade him because that made me feel a lot better about holing myself up in the bedroom to carry out my business. Aurelius was a pretty big fan of his special piece of furniture and lazed in it, taking a breather from all the leaps upstairs. I laughed and bent over to ruffle his fur before I slinked over to my bedroom and closed the door behind me.
I was still amazed at how much was built into this dormitory. I mean, once, all I had was a cot in the damp basement of my family home. That shouldn’t have been the case since my father had me share a room with Jasmine, but after he passed, Deirdre shoved me out so both her precious daughters could have space to themselves. As I stewed over that not so distant memory, I was even more determined to make it work at Bouclier. I mean, here, I had an entrance hall, a small study, a private bathroom, and my own bedroom. I shook my head at the welcome excesses and flopped backward onto my four-poster bed. With a deep breath, I closed my eyes and focused on tapping into the darkest places of my mind.
I sifted through all of my anger and frustration about Theo’s arrogance because those didn’t feel quite like the most compromising emotions that stirred within me. They were just defensive reactions to a ton of abuse and nonstop insults. I allowed my thoughts to wander and to let my attention travel to different parts of my body to see where I carried my darkest energies. An agitated warmth flared up in my navel, and as I focused on it, it licked the top of my pelvis. I squirmed and tried to stay on task. I was pretty sure I wouldn’t have to dive too deeply, I’d just have to identify the root of my most secretive drives.
Once I became attuned with the desires that lurked beneath the surface of my daily thoughts, a deep sadness snaked through me. I realized that I wanted Theo’s attention and approval. Flashes of our handful of times spent together emerged in my consciousness and took over, leaving a pang of regret. I wished that he would have held me in the carriage instead of dangling me in front of a skinwalker. That he would have been proud to be seen with me instead of immediately disappearing because he looked down upon my appearance. Instead of teasing me as though I were a toy he quickly got bored with, I imagined him asking me to stay in his room. Rather than verbally knocking me down in front of Deirdre, I wished he would have protected me from her. I began to drown in all these unmet hopes, as though the floodgates of disappointment had been opened within me.
Surely this only felt so powerful because it was a ritual, right? I needed to fall into this secret place to call in a dimension of myself that could help me find the answers to who I really was. Now that I was quivering on my bed and salty trails of tears crept down my cheeks, I reasoned that it was time to begin the chant.
In a voice deep with anguish, I uttered, “Révèle mon ombre. Reveal my shadow!”
After I had completed my mantra, what looked like a pitch-black silhouette of my own body hovered above me. I couldn’t make out its face or any other distinguishing features beyond its overall shape. However, I could unquestionably feel that we shared a connection. As I looked at it intently, it drew closer and exerted a force on me that I could not resist. I involuntarily arched my back, and it dove into me.
At that moment, I was struck blind and could only feel a coldness I’d never experienced before. I felt caught in the vice grip of all of my worst fears, cruelest thoughts, and most desperate cravings.
When I came to and regained my sight, the warmth trickled back into my system and sighed with relief. I scanned the environment and thought that it resembled an ancient Greek temple with marble walls and floors. The main difference was that scrolls with lit up writing hung about, and glowing blue flowers in vases were set underneath blazing torches. In the middle of the room stood a grassy mound topped with a flat fountain of water. Four large rings of purple light hovered over it, and four columns were set in all four directions. As I counted the features of the room, I wondered what the intention behind the repeated numbers was.
The bright bands over the fountain suddenly shook erratically until a transparent creature with the same amethyst shade twisted out from them. While the top of the feminine being looked vaguely human, her bottom half was shaped into an enormous serpentine tail. She wore a silver breastplate that protected her modesty but still exposed her midriff. As she approached me, she seemed to be swimming through the air with ethereal grace.
“Welcome, journeywoman!” Her voice was rich and smooth as honey. “What a rare sight that I have never witnessed before in all my centuries of guarding this temple. You are nearly uninitiated, but as of late, magic has found its way into your energy field. Your will is strengthening so quickly already, but that is not why you have come here.”
I was stunned as I tried to register how such a wispy looking creature could have such a commanding and beautiful voice. When I finally regained my senses and found my voice, I spoke up.
“I was told to come here before I progressed with my classes, but other than that, I don’t know why I’m here.”
“Oh, but you do!” Her laugh sounded like bells tinkling and gave me pleasant shivers. “You just think you don’t, because oblivion is the first stage of any quest. If you already knew your ending, you wouldn’t feel the fire of adventure, now would you?”
“That sounds… reasonable,” I remarked. It actually sounded a little morbid, but coming from her, the path ahead of me sounded wondrously thrilling.
“To determine your first couple steps, your first year at Bouclier,” she continued, “you will need to take a step up to the fountain and take a good, long look at yourself. Now, I will be very disappointed if you ignore any aspect of yourself. Even if it might be painful, you must assess your strengths and your weaknesses if you are to excel here.”
I was a bit embarrassed by her proposal, but then I remembered that I had daydreamed about Theo and been consumed by my shadow self to get here, so I decided it couldn’t really be that bad. I stepped over the stony brim of the fountain and looked down. The face that stared back at me was a bit nervous but mostly curious.
“Very good.” She approached me from behind and set her hands upon my shoulders. Those firm hands then massaged my shoulders as electrifying currents ran down my back. I don’t know what the intended effect was, but I immediately felt more alert. “Now, Joan MacKenna, what is it that you most value about yourself?”
I leapt up in shock and turned my head to look at her. “How do you know my name?!”
“Ah, perhaps that was rude without introducing myself. I am Saira, and as a djinn, I am not bound by flesh or blood,” she explained, “I occupy a different frequency than you, and as such, I can channel your spirit and translate it into essential answers with ease. In fact, I already know your nature and where you will be placed. This custom is a formality to help you better understand yourself.”
“Okay…” I didn’t really know what else to say to that. It all sounded so bizarre and yet totally normal. I turned back around and directed my focus on her o
riginal question. Even though, according to her, she didn’t even need me to answer it.
“I most value that I am kind to animals and attentive to their needs. I believe that they should be treated with the same respect as humans and, er, any creature, so I act accordingly. I try my best to be sensitive and compassionate to those that need my care the most, but, you know, I can’t always assist those who don’t want the help,” I stammered as I tried to list out what I liked about myself. I wasn’t in the habit of doing that, and I hoped that I didn’t botch what seemed to be a very formal process with my unprepared speech. After all, I was teleported to a temple, and this seemed like sacred ground.
“Very good, Joan!” Saira remarked with elegant excitement. “A very judicious answer, very honest and aware. It pleases me that you have not concealed yourself and instead revealed beautifully who you see yourself to be. You are very skilled at this for a first-year mage.”
I smiled graciously and bowed my head, attempting to match her poise. “Thank you kindly. What is the next question I have to answer?” I asked.
“Ah! Well, here is the less amusing part. While it might be unusual but not altogether painful to sing our own praises, admitting to our faults makes many of us squeamish. Especially a certain golden child of Bouclier, but I digress.” She smirked before proceeding. “You must take a sober inventory of all that you are not confident about. Your most pronounced weaknesses.”
I was actually surprisingly comfortable with this prospect. Theo had basically desensitized me to insults, at least for now, so I felt ready to speak honestly about my shortcomings. Not to mention that I was raised by a stepfamily that basically hated me, so this should be a walk in the park.
