Springing out of bed, I race to the front door, flinging it open so hard it slams into the wall. I immediately throw my arms around Rae’s neck and squeeze her extra tight. I’m sure it freaks her out some because I’m not one to initiate hugs that often.
She gingerly pats my back and asks, “All right. What’s up?”
Letting her go, I pull her inside. “Emotions…they’re high.”
She tsks at me and takes a seat at the bar in the kitchen. “Why, my dear?”
I head to the fridge, pulling out some apple juice for her and some grape juice for me. I grab two glasses, fill them up, and slide Rae hers. I take a sip before I answer her, because I want to stall. I know I’m about to say something bold and honest, and I need a second to collect myself.
“I don’t think I love Tanner.” And that’s how I learn how sticky apple juice is, because it’s now all over the counter and me. “Well, that was gross,” I say, wiping it from my eyes.
I grab a towel and begin to clean up the mess as Rae sits there with her mouth agape.
“But…but how? I don’t get it. You two were all lovey-dovey back in September.”
“Welcome to the club. We meet semi-regularly. No membership fee required.”
She eyes me carefully, and I give her the same stare down back. Rae claims eyes are the path to a person’s heart. I just think she’s weird.
“Wow,” she says quietly. “You mean it.”
I nod slowly. “We were…different then. It all felt like so much more. I think we rushed things. I think we forced things. I do love him, but I don’t love the version I’m getting of him now. And that’s not something I can envision myself getting used to. Ever. I don’t see that future.”
Rae studies me for a moment, her eyebrows scrunching together. “You mean he’s not your ‘The End’?”
It takes me a moment to get what she’s saying. Fairytales. They all finish with ‘The End’ and a happy couple riding off into the sunset together. The prince and princess are absolutely it for one another.
Tanner most definitely isn’t my “The End.”
“Exactly.”
She frowns. “But why? I mean, you were inseparable when you first got together. I get that time apart can be difficult, but I’m not sure what happened.”
“Can I be honest with you?” I ask her.
“I’d be pissed if you weren’t.”
“Now that you’ve mentioned it, I don’t think he was ever my ‘The End.’ I like Tanner. But we don’t have that spark we had when we first started seeing one another. I think we lost it. Or maybe it was never there. I think that what we had for those couple weeks was beautiful. But I also think it should have ended there,” I admit. I take another sip while Rae watches. Setting the glass back down, I say, “Does that make sense, or am I being stupid about this?”
Rae takes her time answering, sipping on her drink some. She expels a breath before speaking. “Thank. God. Not trying to be a total bitch, but I never understood you two. I mean, yeah, at first you were adorable as hell, all falling in love and shit, but I didn’t get it then. You don’t mesh. To people who don’t know you, you do, but not to me. He never fit you.”
“He does but he doesn’t. I mean it when I say he’s a sweet guy. He doesn’t show that side of himself enough. In another lifetime, maybe we could have been something great, but not in this one. Not now, not when I’m so…stuck, and he’s…gone. In order for us to work together, we’d both have to take a step back and evaluate what we want out of this,” I tell her. I lean onto the counter and drop my head in my hands, groaning lowly. “God, I feel like a total asshole, Rae. I feel like I’ve been leading him on or something.”
She shakes her head. “That’s not true. You did have feelings for him at first. I know you did, or you wouldn’t have trusted him with your virginity. You wouldn’t have thrown that away for just anyone.” Valid point. “But I think all the ideas and notions of love you two had are based on who you show the world. Not who you really are.”
Well I’ll be damned if she didn’t hit the nail on the head.
“And speaking of that,” she continues, “your hair is marvelous! You finally look like…you.”
“Oh my God! You’re the third person to say that. What in the hell have I been hiding behind all this time?”
“Your parents. You almost constantly live in fear of their disapproval.”
“My brain. You’re in it again, woman.”
“But I speak the truth.”
I nod. “You do.”
“And how do you feel now? More you? More like the person you want to be?”
“It’s only hair, Rae,” I say, avoiding eye contact with her.
“Don’t pull that ‘only hair’ bullshit with me, girly. You’re Maura Ann Doughers, daughter of Norah and John, and their daughter would never put color in her hair. Their daughter would never do anything to mess up the carefully crafted image they’ve created for her. Their daughter would never try to cancel on their annual dinner party. Their daughter—”
“Okay, okay. I get it. I’m stepping out of my box.”
“You mean you’re becoming your own person? You’re finding who you are, for real this time? For as long as I’ve known you, you’ve been…secluded. You’re like an author on a tight deadline, holed up in a woodsy cabin somewhere, making contact with the real world but never truly connecting. Then after college, just like a writer who’s made their deadline, you stepped out of your proverbial log house and reconnected with the outside world. I feel like with Tanner, you reverted back to who you were before, that timid girl always hiding behind words, whether yours or others’. Now it seems as though you’re ready to publish your manuscript,” she says with a wink. “That’s a book I’d read and recommend, because I’ve missed you, Maura.”
I hate when she’s right. I’ve always hidden myself because I’ve never felt like I was good enough, smart enough, or perfect enough. Getting out of college changed that since I was no longer under the thumb of my parents. For the first time, I felt like I was able to be me, like I could conquer my fears. Somehow, meeting Tanner changed that. I knew he was the type of person my mother would want me to be with, so I assumed he was the type of person I needed to be with. That fed the flames of my insane need to be flawless until he left. As soon as that happened, I stopped feeling good or pretty or smart. I stopped being enough.
I need a person who will make me feel that way without wanting the approval of my parents. Someone who will make me feel like me without craving perfection.
Unfortunately, Tanner isn’t that guy. I only wish it hadn’t taken me over half a year to figure that out.
Since he’s been gone, we’ve been…different. It’s not all horrible, but it’s also not what I was hoping it would be, and it’s taking me a while to adjust. I had figured we’d grow closer together, the distance weaving a bond, but I realize now that I was naive to think that.
Active Duty Tanner is different from Leave Time Tanner. He’s wound so tightly when he’s on base in his “military mode.” Leave Time Tanner is much better. He’s sweet and usually easy to talk to.
The problem here is that I met Tanner on leave. When I met him, he was sweet and fun, not mean and being pulled in a million different directions like he is now. And I fell in lust with that initial version of him. Hard. So hard that after a week of being together, I handed him the most cherished thing I had: my virginity.
What I didn’t realize when we decided to forge this relationship with one another was that I’d be getting a new Tanner along with it, the side of my boyfriend I strongly dislike. He’s selfish, egotistical, and outright rude half the time. I know that he can be caring, humble, and polite, but a majority of the time he’s not. I have this distinct feeling that won’t change. I don’t want to have to change him, and I shouldn’t have to. We should just…work.
But we don’t.
However, if I’m honest, the Maura I am when I’m with Tanner is differen
t from the one I am without him. I’m “perfect” with him, playing the part of devoted daughter and acting as though nothing is out of place. In reality, I’m out of place.
“Fine,” I huff, giving her a bitter head shake. “Yes.”
She has the nerve to give me a smug grin. Grabbing whatever is closest to me—a banana—I throw it at her.
“Thanks,” she says, catching it and breaking open the top.
“Why are you here? Not that I haven’t missed you immensely.”
“Really? I couldn’t tell with all your avoiding me lately,” she says, talking freely with mashed food in her mouth.
“It’s a wonder you hooked such an incredible guy with all your impeccable manners.”
“Pfft. Hudson loves it,” she insists, her mouth still full of food. She finally swallows before talking this time. “Now, acknowledge that you’ve been avoiding me, and I’ll answer your burning question.”
I wince because I was hoping she’d skip over that. “You noticed, huh?”
“I have. I wanted to give you a little time.”
“Thank you. I needed it.”
She gives an indifferent shrug. “Anyway, I’m here to officially invite you to Joey’s eighth birthday party. It’s Adventure Time themed. I’m stupid excited.”
“More excited than the seven-year-old?”
“Almost eight-year-old,” she corrects. “And yes, probably. It’ll be cake and ice cream at Hudson’s crib.”
“Hudson’s crib. Like you don’t practically live there.”
She smiles shyly at me. “True. But I don’t officially live there. Yet.”
I quirk my eyebrow at her. “Yet?”
“You know…yet.”
“Anything you need to tell me?”
Rae shrugs. “Nah. Not yet.”
I throw another banana at her. “Brat.”
“So are you coming?”
“Is that a real question? Of course I’m coming, ya weirdo. I wouldn’t miss it.”
“Tucker will be there.”
I instantly bristle because deep down I know exactly what she’s getting at. I ask anyway. “And why does that matter?”
She stares me down. “Don’t play.”
I sigh harshly. “What has he said?”
“That you’re avoiding him. And that you were kinda a bitch to him yesterday. Only he said it in a much nicer way.”
I want to roll my eyes at how accurate Tucker’s assumption is—again—but instead I take the high road and admit my wrongdoing. “Well, he’s not wrong.”
“On all counts?” Rae pushes.
“Unfortunately,” I mutter. “I…he pissed me off, okay? He was acting all nosey and whatnot. It was annoying.”
“You mean offered to take you to your parents’ dinner and give up a Saturday night to help out a friend? Yep. He’s a real dick.”
“Don’t start. I already had to hear it last night from Kassi. I get that I messed up and was rude. He was being nice and I was irritable. I apologized to him.”
She narrows her eyes at me, clearly not believing me. “Did you now?”
“Fine. I will apologize to him. Happy?”
“That my best friend and my boyfriend’s best friend are going to get along from here on out? Why yes, yes I am,” she smirks.
“You need to stop hanging out with Hudson. You’ve got his stupid smirk down pat and it’s creepy.”
Rae gives a dreamy sigh. “I love his stupid smirk. And him.”
I roll my eyes. “I will barf, woman.”
“You love me and my stupid smirk.”
“Marginally.”
“And by ‘marginally’ I know you mean a lot,” she says confidently. Rae leans forward and rests her head on her hands, getting serious. “What are you going to do about the Tanner thing? You gonna end it?”
“Is it horrible if I say no? I mean, not yet anyway. I want to do it face-to-face. He needs to see that I do care for him, and I know doing that over the phone won’t cut it.”
Nodding, she says, “That sounds reasonable. But you’re definitely gonna break it off?”
“Yeah. I can’t keep pretending. I feel terrible about it, but it’s not fair to either one of us.”
“Preach,” she says seriously.
I laugh because this girl—this strange auburn-haired girl sitting across from me—she completes me. She’s the best best friend a girl could ask for. Even when she says odd things in public. Her word vomit makes her who she is, and I adore that.
I envy how sure Rae is of herself. Her self-confidence is inspiring. She’s not the type of girl to beg for attention or pretend to be someone she’s not to impress people. She’s Rae. Loud, outgoing, sarcastic, fun, and full of life.
And I’ll never tell her this, but Hudson secretly calls her—and rightfully so—his spitfire. It’s adorable.
“All right. I’m gone,” she announces, jumping off her stool. “You wanna go to Jane’s tomorrow before work? New hair, new outfit? That’s the rule.”
See? She completes me.
“I’ll have to check my schedule. I have so many options.”
This time she throws a banana at me. “Rude. See you tomorrow,” she calls over her shoulder on her way out the door.
I shake my head at the sound of the front door closing.
“That girl exhausts me,” says Kassi as she walks into the kitchen, ready for work. She grabs an apple and heads toward the door. “Send me pics of Jane’s new inventory. I’m in need of a pick-me-up outfit myself.”
And she’s gone, leaving me alone to my thoughts. No thanks. So I get dressed and head into work four hours early.
Because that’s how exciting my life is now.
“Well, well, well. Fancy meeting you here,” he drawls.
I sigh. Of all the places.
I ended up not heading to Clyde’s early, because nothing says “desperately seeking company” like going into work early. Instead, here I am at Perk, the local coffee shop, enjoying my mocha latte and reading about Josh Walker, when he shows up.
“Tucker, I’m oh so shocked you’re here,” I say, setting down my book and glancing up to catch him grinning.
“Was that sarcasm I detect, my dear sweet, sweet Maura?”
“Never,” I deadpan. I point to the chair across from me. “Sit. We have things to discuss.”
“Wait,” he peeks around the small classic coffee place and drops his voice to a whisper. “You mean you want to be seen with me in public? Wow. This must be my lucky day.” I suppress the urge to roll my eyes at him as he takes a seat. “So, what are these super important things we have to talk about?”
“I’m sorry,” I tell him quietly.
“Huh? I didn’t quite catch that,” he says, cupping his hand around his ear and tilting his dirty blond head toward me.
When I don’t respond immediately, he peeks over at me. I narrow my eyes teasingly. “Oh, I think you heard me just fine, Tucker Bentley.”
He chuckles and sits back in his chair. “Apology accepted. Are you feeling any better? Rae told me she talked to you.”
I momentarily freak out for fear that Tucker knows I’m about to break Tanner’s heart, but then I check myself because I know Rae would never betray me like that.
“A little bit.”
He eyes me, and I know he’s searching for cracks in my expertly placed mask. His eyebrows scrunch together and I know he’s found them. Thankfully, he ignores them and moves on.
“What are you doing out this early? Are you not working today?” he asks.
“You mean you don’t know? I was so sure you knew my work schedule.”
Tucker smiles and shakes his head at me. “We’re a bit feisty today, huh? That’s okay. Two can play that game, Maura.” He mumbles the last part.
“I don’t work until later, actually. Had to get out of the house.” I tap my temple and say, “Too much going on up here.”
“Ah, the brain. Mankind’s own worst enemy. You’ll drive yours
elf mad living up there all the time.”
“Don’t I know it.”
“You want another coffee? I’m gonna go grab me one,” he offers.
“Sure. I’ll have—”
“A mocha latte, no whip, cool temp,” he supplies.
Because that’s not creepy. I almost want to change my order to spite him, but in the two years I’ve been coming here, I’ve never gotten anything else.
“How in the hell did you know that?”
He shrugs. “I’ve been in here a time or two while you’ve ordered.”
I watch as he walks away, puzzled by his confession because I’ve never once noticed him in here. And I come almost daily.
Huh. Guess I am stuck in my head that much.
Picking my book back up, I immediately get sucked back into the tangled relationship between Josh Walker and Ember Howard.
“Full Measures?” Tucker questions as he places a new coffee cup in front of me. “Any good?”
I hold up my finger to signify “one second” and finish reading a beautiful scene taking place at the hockey rink. Because you don’t interrupt a reader. Ever.
Sighing over how heartbreakingly beautiful these two are together, I finally set my book back down, a little sad I had to stop reading but also wanting to talk to Tucker a little more.
“I didn’t know people still did that,” Tucker comments.
I purse my lips and tilt my head because I’m confused by what he’s saying. “Do what?”
“Read actual books. You hardly ever see it anymore. Everyone is so tech focused.”
“I know. It hurts my heart. Nothing beats the smell of a new paperback book.”
“Agreed,” he says, taking a sip of his coffee. He motions his head toward the book. “I didn’t know you were a reader. Is it good?”
“There’s a lot you don’t know about me,” I tell him. “Thanks to Rae, I’m an avid reader. It’s one of the few things we have in common.”
“You’re best friends and you don’t like the same things? Hudson has mentioned a few times how alike you two are.”
“Books and music—two extremely important things—are about it. She likes raunchy comedies and sappy romances while I like indie flicks and anything to do with superheroes. I dig clothes, and she’s a bit fashion-challenged. I like cats, and she’s more of a dog person. We’re mostly opposite from one another, but it works for us.”
Here's to Yesterday Page 3
