She slowly expelled a breath. Savagely, she wiped her eyes. “I really do need to learn how to meditate.”
“Why, specifically?”
Maybe because his eyes were so kind, she answered him truthfully. “My company’s major investor asked me to. I’m too...difficult with the younger workers he’s hired. He wants me to get my head on straight, as you so eloquently stated last night, as well.”
Sam’s hand didn’t waver on her shoulder. “I shouldn’t have said that,” he said.
She didn’t feel like he was judging her in the least. In fact, she got the distinct feeling that he was comforting her.
“Cassandra shouldn’t have done that to you, either,” he said.
“She did it to you, too, Sam. Just two days ago.”
“Not like what she did to you,” he said softly. “Not even close. I wasn’t the kid that she left in foster care.”
Sarah crossed her arms and felt her cheeks burning. “You knew last night and you never said a word until now.”
“Yes. I’m sorry. I never would’ve said anything at all, but...maybe I’m sensitive about Lucy being the product of a one-night stand, and when you brought it up, I overreacted.” He laughed drily. “Me, who usually never does that.”
He shook his head again. “I’ll tell you straight, Sarah—you know your worth. You’re strong and capable. No matter what happened to you, you didn’t let those childhood experiences beat you down. That’s what important.”
“That’s because I had a great childhood. My parents were...they were really great people.” Sarah’s voice cracked. “I was an only child. I was doted on by both of them. We used to have the best family dinners together...” Her eyes teared up.
But he steadily met her gaze. “So that’s why our dinner last night bothered you,” he said softly.
“I don’t know.” She shook her head. “After my parents died, I...had a different foster family every few months. I hated everything about that. I hated the way I was treated. I hated feeling small and weak...” She shivered. Enough said. “Nobody physically abused me, so get that thought out of your head, Sam. I’m just an achievement-motivated woman who knows what she wants. If that can’t work with you, I’m sorry. But I am who I am. I believe what I believe.”
He pursed his lips, nodding. “I respect that. Of course I want to work with you.”
She shifted, waiting. There was more to come, she sensed.
“You know, I’m a private person, too, Sarah. Especially with my personal life. And for the record, no, I’m not dating anybody. I haven’t in a long time, if ever. I tend not to get too close to people. And it’s not that I’m ashamed of Lucy or anything like that—on the contrary.”
He took a long breath through his nose, as if bucking himself up. “Honestly, I’m just getting to know Lucy for the first time, really. Before this summer, it was safer not to let myself care too much about her, in the situation we’re in, because I had no...” His voice trailed off, for too long.
“No control?” she offered.
He looked off to sea. “There was no way the three of us were ever going to be a family. Colleen was angry about that. I was afraid Lucy was getting caught in the middle, and that the conflict would devastate her. So I backed off. It seemed to be best for Lucy then. But now things have changed, and it’s not what’s best for her anymore. I mean, Colleen and I are never going to be a couple. But I can’t keep holding Lucy at arm’s length.”
“No,” Sarah said, “you can’t. It’s not good for you, either.”
“It’s not. Let’s find that meditation spot.” He walked on.
She hurried to catch up to him. “I know a little bit about being left behind, Sam. Colleen—excuse me—Lucy’s mom—just up and left her for the summer. Lucy doesn’t say much, but she’s mad about that. I sense it.”
Sam stopped short. He swiped his hand through his hair. “Okay. Yeah, I know you’re right. And that’s where I need you to help me,” he pleaded. “I’m trying to make things better for her. But I just keep missing the boat. I hate to say it, but you seem more clued in to her than I am. Between the tech stuff and the app project and the business knowledge...”
Sarah appreciated his faith in her. That made her want to help him, and for more than just her own selfish reasons. But the only advice she could give him as far as winning his daughter’s affections pertained to the things she wished others would do for her.
“It’s not just the interests that matter, Sam,” she said softly. “Keep an open communication with her. Be there for her, no matter what happens. Don’t give up on her.”
Amazing how empathetic she had become in just two days.
He gazed at her as if he was really listening to what she said. “You’re right,” he said gently.
“I am?”
“Yes.” He nodded. “And here we are.” He turned and gazed up at the sand dunes. Then he pointed. “Right there. That’s where we’re going.”
She shaded her eyes and looked, too. It was an absolutely private part of the beach. No one was here at this time of morning. It was just the two of them.
“Come on,” Sam said.
He climbed the slight hill until they faced a rounded-out hollow between two natural sand dunes. Swaying green grasses blew with the breeze. The sun hovered just below the horizon, in that quiet part of the dawn Sarah had always loved. The mood was quiet and relaxed and...
But he was so physically close. Not just emotionally or mentally. She felt terrified of this sudden intimacy. The hollow inside the sand dunes might be peaceful and contemplative, like Richard had wanted for her, but she was with Sam, and how she was feeling about that scared her.
“I’m not like you,” she blurted. “This isn’t easy for me.”
“I’m not asking you to be like me,” he murmured in her ear.
“Then why are we here?”
“Look.” He turned around and pointed. They were standing up high, completely enclosed and separate from the rest of the beach, but below them the panorama of blue ocean spread as far as she could see. It was majestic and beautiful, and perched up here, she felt like a queen.
She exhaled, loving the feeling.
“To sit and look out over the ocean together with no stress or worry,” he said. “That’s all I wanted for this first lesson in Sam’s method of meditation.”
She smiled at him, relaxing more. Of course. It wasn’t like this handsome, young lifeguard/teacher wanted to make love to her in the sand dunes. That just wasn’t her life. She didn’t need to worry about that.
“It’s time to shut off your brain, Sarah. Stop thinking so much.”
He touched her elbow, and they continued the few steps up the hill toward the hollow in the sand dunes. And she went willingly alongside him because...
Wow. “The sun is rising,” she said stupidly. She saw it first reflected off him, his face turned to the sea. The sky seemed to brighten all of a sudden. He smiled at her.
She turned, gazing at the sparkling water. The waves at the shore lapped softly in an easy rhythm. Receded and came back. Receded and returned.
Sam held out his hand to her. She took it and he pulled her down with him onto the cool sand.
She scooted aside, keeping about twelve inches between their bodies. He sat cross-legged, and she did, too.
He leaned over and put his elbows on his knees. “Just close your eyes, and start by paying attention to your breathing—”
“You’re doing it wrong,” she told him. “I read in the book that you’re supposed to sit up straight and put your palms up, on your knees.”
He opened one eye. “Yeah, you could do that.”
“Could? Or should?”
He smiled at her. “There is no right or wrong.”
“Sure there is, Sam. There’s a technique to everything.”
&
nbsp; He shook his head. “Nope. Not with this.” He just kept on smiling. “Your goal is to relax. There are lots of ways to get to that goal.”
She fidgeted. “I really don’t think this is for me, Sam.”
“Give it a chance. It won’t come all on the first day.”
“But I learn everything fast!”
He smiled at her again. And then he went back to closing his eyes and turning his face to the sun.
“You can’t just make up your own technique, Sam!”
“Sure I can,” he murmured. “So can you.”
She sat there, turning that thought over in her mind. If he and Richard could do this, why couldn’t she? Or maybe she should get a professional guru to teach her meditation? Sam didn’t seem to know what he was doing.
He chuckled. “Here we are, in a beautiful place, with a beautiful sunrise happening, and you just can’t let yourself relax.”
“This is because of you,” she snapped.
“No, it’s not,” he said calmly.
In that case, she would have to admit that it was because of her.
She swallowed. As she watched him, calmly meditating, she felt tears stinging again. It just was no use. She didn’t get it.
I’m defective.
“Try lying down,” he murmured to her.
They were seated on a gentle slope. It would be a natural thing to lie back with her feet downhill. Gritting her teeth, she laid her head on the soft sand.
No. It still wasn’t working. She was as jittery as ever.
She cracked open one eye. Meanwhile, beside her, Sam had closed his eyes and settled into a relaxed, easy pattern of breathing.
As the sun continued rising, she found herself studying him. The way his light brown hair curled over his ears slightly. The tiny birthmark, shaped like a cross, on his back, near his neck over his right shoulder blade. The way his biceps curved, solid and tanned. The Z-shaped white scar on his knee. He’d probably been an active little boy.
Sam shifted back on his elbow until his mouth was next to her ear. “Think of this,” he said in a low voice. “Think about how happy you’ll feel the day you return to your job in California. You’re relaxed. You’ve done it. You’ve earned everything that you want. What does that look like?”
She saw it. Her company was public. A large sum of money had been deposited in her bank account. She could look at Richard Lee, smile at him, walk out that door and be happy that they’d pulled off such a big deal...
In fact, she could start another business and do it all over again if she felt like it.
She gasped, startled at how thrilled that thought made her.
“What?” Sam asked.
“Nothing. Something I never realized, that’s all.” She turned to him, genuinely curious. “What is your end-of-summer visualization, Sam?”
He smiled at her. “Easy. It’s Lucy happy. And me with a daughter I see more often than two Saturdays a month.”
“That’s really all you see her?” Sarah asked.
“Yeah. That’s what the court hammered out for us years ago. But it’s time to change that agreement.”
And then he picked up her hand and took it in both of his. She was feeling jumpy, almost out of her skin at his touch.
He held her hand for a few seconds, and her breath left her.
With his golden face turned toward hers he said, “So, basically, this is how I meditate. If you want to join me again tomorrow, then you’re more than welcome.”
She opened her mouth but couldn’t think of what to say, beyond squeaking, “Oh.”
“And Sarah, if there’s anything I can do for you this summer, anything you need, just ask. If you want to find somebody else besides me for meditation practice, that’s fine, but I hope you’ll still help Lucy. You’re right, you have a lot to offer her.”
And then he rose. “I’m off. My lifeguard class will be starting soon. But I meant what I said. I won’t desert you, Sarah. Not like Cassandra.”
She watched him descend the hill and jog back down the beach. She stayed where she was, watching the vast sea, watching the sun’s rays dance across the little peaks and valleys in the waves. The rays made a path to the center of the ocean, dark and inviting in the distance, and in her mind’s eye she followed it.
For a moment, she felt connected to something bigger than herself, something that made her feel weightless and expanded and not quite in her own body.
But she looked for Sam and saw that he was out of sight, and then she went back to feeling like Sarah again.
She used the rest of her meditation time to plot the next moves with Lucy.
CHAPTER SEVEN
“WHO WAS THAT woman at your house last night?” Duke asked Sam.
Sam jolted back to reality. Duke had just caught him daydreaming about his morning with Sarah. It alarmed him that Duke was even asking him about her.
He’d wanted to kiss her when they were alone in those sand dunes, so badly. In another place, the old Sam would have done so. But Sarah was stripping layers from him that he hadn’t known existed, and it had felt, strangely, more intimate not to kiss her, but to keep it to the meditation, which she didn’t know how to do yet, but he did...
“Sam?” Duke waved his hand in front of Sam’s face.
“Yeah. I’m here.” Sam shook himself, squinting into the sun as it blazed low across the water. He and Duke were leading morning training, and they sat at the end of the lifeguard motorboat, idling behind a group of ten swimmers doing a mile-long workout to the pier.
“Well?” Duke nudged him. “Who is she?”
“Sarah is my neighbor for the summer,” Sam admitted reluctantly. He needed something innocent to say, to throw Duke off his trail, otherwise he would be relentless. “Sarah is watching Lucy for me. For childcare purposes. She’s the reason I don’t need to quit my job, after all,” he added.
“Then I think I like her already.” Duke took a sip from his water bottle and glanced ahead at the swimmers they followed. “You know, I haven’t seen Lucy since she was about three. In my mind’s eye she’s always that age, I suppose.” He turned to Sam. “How old is she now?”
“Eleven,” Sam said automatically. When Lucy was three, Sam used to sit her on his lifeguard chair during duty sometimes. Those were the old days, when rules weren’t as strictly enforced on the beach. Now Duke wouldn’t be able to turn away from breaches like that. “So, yeah, she’s in the middle-school years now.”
“It gets better. Just wait until the teen years,” Duke cracked. He had two teens in the house, a daughter, fourteen, and a son, thirteen. No wonder the guy looked harried.
Sam didn’t like to think too far down the road. Lucy already seemed a bit rebellious to him. But maybe she was practicing for her teenaged years. She’d be twelve on July eighth. Four days after Sarah’s birthday...
“So, you got a hot babysitter?” Duke mused.
Hot? Sam’s neck bristled. He didn’t think of Sarah that way. He thought of her as... Sarah. Blunt and direct. Riddled with flaws, like him. Interested in helping Lucy. Surprisingly sensitive, beneath all her prickly layers.
“Sam,” Duke said, breaking into his reveries again. “Melanie and I were talking this morning. She wants to host a barbecue next weekend, just you, us and the kids. Becky and Shane are fairly close to Lucy’s age. Shane’s just two years older. And you could bring your neighbor along, too, if you’d like.”
Sam stared. “You mean, bring her like a date?”
“Why not? In all these years we’ve never gotten together like that. My wife’s always bugging me to arrange something, but I’ll have you know I hold her back.”
“You know I don’t date locally.”
“This lady isn’t local. She’s a summer person, right? No one at school will know about her.”
“Duke,�
�� Sam warned.
“I’m just saying that she looked real cozy with you, sitting on your back deck last night and drinking your Lifeguard Lager.”
She had. Sam grabbed his seat for balance because the boat’s engine had kicked up. His colleague Dennis was driving. Dennis looped the boat around to check on a swimmer who’d suddenly stopped and was bobbing in the waves, treading water instead of swimming.
It was Charlie, one of Sam’s first-year lifeguards. Sam recognized him by his shaved head. Maybe he was having leg cramps. Or more likely, he’d been out partying too late last night. Some of the younger, newer guys still needed to learn that in order to get up at seven o’clock and do a mile-long ocean swim, it was helpful to ease off on the beer drinking the night before.
In any event, tending to Charlie gave Sam a good excuse not to reply to Duke’s comments. Or to have to give an answer to Melanie’s offer.
With any luck, Sam wouldn’t end up alone with Duke for the rest of the day, either.
He reached over the side of the boat and gave Charlie a hand to pull him up and over the side. The young lifeguard’s face was pale and if he hadn’t been sick, he was going to be soon. Charlie moaned and lay down in the small flood of seawater he’d brought into the boat with him.
“You gonna be okay?” Sam asked the young adult.
Charlie shook his head. And then he staggered over to the edge of the boat and hung his head over the side.
“I’ll cover for him this morning,” Sam told Duke. Sam was a “floater” again today, designated to move from position to position, covering the staff for breaks as needed. Charlie was posted at the far end of the beach, which would mean that Sam wouldn’t be near Sarah and Lucy and the cottage, but maybe he could still see them at lunch.
“Head back to position following the swimmers,” Duke instructed Dennis, then went to sit up front beside him.
Sam sat in the back monitoring Charlie. Watching the kid struggle to maintain control gave him time to think about his personal dilemma.
Sam looked out over the ocean. His problem was, he basically liked Sarah. Yes, she was the opposite of him personality-wise. She was stubborn, blunt and often rude. Initially, they’d been adversarial when it had come to his rescue agenda, but they had gotten past that. They needed each other for a specific reason—him for Lucy, and Sarah for meditation and companionship since Cassandra had left.
Summer by the Sea Page 12
