I was so frustrated. The damn wolf was brushing against my skin, her fur was literally all over my arms and legs, but she wouldn’t finish the job. What was going on?
“Shift,” Evan instructed me. He’d shifted back from bear form just to yell at me. He made it look so easy. I was so frustrated. Evan thought he was so much better than me. At work, at home, and now, here out in the forest. I was just Aster the dud, again.
“I don’t know how,” I growled to him.
“You’re a shifter, just do it,” he growled back.
I felt angry tears sting my eyes, I wasn’t a shifter. I was a dud. Maybe the wolf just came out near pack lands. Maybe I’d never shift again. Just a dud. I crouched on the ground unwilling to let Evan see me cry. My lips were quivering with fury and sadness and even if I had a good retort to him, I wouldn’t be able to speak.
Shift, damn it. Come out, wolf. Please. I was mentally begging. I tried all the shifter class tricks. I pictured Elder Pliny's small frame pacing up and down the rows of desks her voice meditatively giving instructions Be the wolf, Feel the fur. Smell the trees. Feel the howl in your throat. I did my best. I focused. I smelled the trees. I remembered what it was like to be the wolf. To run. To chase my mate. To snap the searing pain. The taste of blood in my mouth. My blood. The sickening crunch of my bone.
“Lee,” Evan’s arms were wrapped around me, “Breathe, it’s ok, you’re safe.”
I blinked my eyes open. My face was soaking wet. I was still in human form. I heard sobbing; it was me. Shit.
Evan’s hand was stroking my hair and he was whispering nonsensical words to me, “Take your time. Your wolf wants to be free, right?”
I nodded.
“Something bad happened when you last shifted.” It was a statement, as if he knew what was going on in my head. But the shift in the rest stop bathroom hadn’t been horrible. It was just scary.
I stiffened. Evan’s warmth disappeared from me and he was crouching face to face, “Your wolf is afraid, because you’re afraid. I know we hate each other, but you know I’d never let anything happen to you out, here right?”
I didn’t know that. My wolf didn’t really believe that either. I was so angry, so embarrassed. All I wanted to do was get dressed and hide in a corner to lick my wounds.
“You can trust me, Lee,” Evan’s voice was sincere and soft. He’d never talked to me like this before. His hand reached out and moved more hair from my face. It slid down my face and lifted my chin forcing me to meet his eyes. His brown eyes were full of concern, “My bear doesn’t like wolves, but he will never hurt you. Do you believe me?”
I stared at him unsure what to do now, “The first time I shifted I...” I lifted my stump unable to finish the sentence. Evan seemed to understand.
“Let your wolf come out. Don’t force it,” Evan’s voice was calm, it took on the meditative softness of Elder Pliny, “She wants to run, you want to feel the wind in your fur. She wants to feel the dirt in her paws. Let her out. She’ll come out when she’s ready.”
I nodded and closed my eyes focusing on his voice. He continued to whisper to me what my wolf would do once she came out and I felt the wolf tentatively come forward. I felt the painful pops in my bones, the breaking and reshaping of my skull. I was shifting. When I opened my eyes, I saw Evan’s brown eyes.
He held out a hand to me and my wolf sniffed it. She snarled low, “It’s ok, green eyes,” Evan said fearlessly, “You’re safe with me.”
She stopped snarling and took a step closer to him. He cautiously pet her head and she didn’t like it. She wasn’t a dog. She ducked away from him.
“Alright, Lee, let’s run,” my wolf watched him shift effortlessly into his bear form. The bear sniffed the air and looked at the wolf. His lips started to lift in a snarl, but no sound came. The bear huffed and motioned for my wolf to follow him.
Evan and I ran in our animal forms for several hours. My wolf kept him ahead of her and on her left side. She didn’t like him anywhere behind her or near her stump. She didn’t trust the bear, not even close. But with each minute she trusted him more. The sun was beginning to peek through the trees in the East by the time the bear ambled back to the tree with the bag tied to it. He shifted back to human form and the wolf watched him open up the bag and get redressed.
“You can let Lee come back, green eyes,” Evan said to the wolf still facing the tree, “She needs to drive us home.”
The wolf lay down and fell asleep.
I woke up in a bed surrounded by Evan’s scent. I heard low voices outside the room. I jolted out of bed; I was still naked. Shit. What happened? My clothes were sitting on the desk and I quickly put them on. My feet and hand were caked with mud and there were leaves and twigs in my hair.
I looked around the room, I hadn’t been in it since I let Earl give it to Evan. He’d been so smug after Earl told him. I didn’t tell him I’d told Earl to give it to him.
I was so embarrassed when I snuck out of the room into the bathroom. Evan and Earl were in the kitchen talking low to each other. I heard Lee, wolf, and something bad repeated over and over. This was not good.
I’d loved being the wolf. I never imagined it could be so freeing. I understood why the pack ran so much. I hated that Evan saw me like that. He pitied me. I was a pathetic excuse for a shifter.
After I showered and redressed, I stepped into the kitchen. Evan and Earl’s eyes bored into me. I couldn’t meet their eyes. I was so ashamed. I slunk into the living room and curled as small as I could on the couch.
“Lee,” Earl sat at my feet and I could smell that he had a plate of food for me, “I know you’re tired, but you should eat.”
I slowly sat up and accepted the food. The door to the pub opened and closed. Evan had left the apartment. I ate quietly.
“Evan said you two had a good shift,” Earl said casually. When I didn’t jump into conversation he continued, “That kid needs to shift more. He’s much nicer when his bear isn’t clawing at the surface. I think I’m going to make this a biweekly thing.”
A line of panic raced down my spine. I couldn’t do that weekly. It was embarrassing enough the first time.
“I think your wolf would like that too,” Earl continued, “Evan couldn’t get her to let you shift back. Just laid down and slept. He had to carry the wolf up the stairs. I’ve never seen such a sight. You have a magnificent animal.”
I had a broken animal.
“Her fur is black as night, Evan says she has your eyes too, I can only imagine the pairing. I bet she’d like to get out more too,” Earl looked at me, “Do you want to talk about it?”
“I was a dud,” I whispered. I trusted Earl more than I trusted anyone in the world, “I shifted as I was being exiled from the pack.”
Earl was waiting intently for me to continue but I couldn’t, “I am a dud,” he said after several minutes of expectant silence, “My parents and littermates have bears. I never got one. You’re not a dud, Lee. You’re a shifter. I’ve seen your wolf. Evan wants to help her. Whether you believe it or not.”
“I don’t like being weak,” it was a whisper again.
“You’re not weak, Lee,” he told me nudging my bad arm, “There is nothing about you that is weak. Evan is intimidated. He won’t admit it, but I can see it.”
I snorted. Nothing could intimidate Evan, certainly not the three-legged dud who couldn’t shift without sobbing.
“You’re a wolf, Lee,” Ear continued, “It is your very nature to crave having others around. Every person who meets you is drawn to you. Evan’s a bear. His nature wants to be alone. But he has a human half. Humans, like wolves, crave companionship. He doesn’t know how to have friends.”
“I don’t either,” I whispered.
“If you are patient with him, I bet the result will be worth it. Let him help you learn to be a shifter. Help him learn to be a human.”
I shrugged and Earl let me eat in peace.
47
Present Day<
br />
I woke to the sound of dishes clattering in the kitchen. I sat up in my childhood bedroom. The walls were covered with drawings I’d done in high school. They were not half bad, at least in the dim morning light. Early high school I’d drawn aspirational wolves, but the longer it took to show up, the darker my drawings became. I focused on drawing pack members in the form I’d known them, human. They weren’t flattering works of art.
Mom was cooking breakfast, or at least attempting to. I hadn’t seen her awake on her own in the mornings since before dad died.
“You were out late,” she told me. Her hair was tousled, and her forehead was dabbled with sweat. She was focused on the fry pan in front of her and the egg cooking in it. I could already see she’d forgotten to grease the pan. The egg would stick, and it’d be a pain in the ass to clean. But I didn’t say anything. It wouldn't be helpful.
“Went for a run,” I told her, sitting in the chair. My back was much better, the open wounds had healed, and it was only slightly bruised now, “Let my wolf heal my back.”
She nodded trying to get the egg out of the pan, but it was stuck. She’d have to break the yolk to get it off. It’d be scrambled no matter what now.
“See anyone while you were out?” she asked.
“I’m guessing you saw me, and Kendrick come back if you’re asking,” I said a bit sassier than I’d intended, “Yes, we ran together.”
She turned and beamed at me, “Oh I’m so happy for you two. You’ve both been alone far too long.”
“I don’t want to mate him, mom,” I reminded her. And she threw the frying pan into the sink.
“You are an ungrateful spiteful child,” she growled at me, “Your mate is there. He wants you and you keep rejecting him. What are you going to do when he stops trying?”
“Your mate loved and adored you,” I reminded her, “Mine watched me chew my own leg off. Your mate showered you with kisses and treated you like a princess. Mine sat by and let his father try to have me killed. Your mate would tear the fabric of time and space to see you again, my mate ignored my existence for fifteen years.”
“He’s here now,” she wasn’t listening to my words. No sane person would argue in favor of mating Kendrick if they knew the truth about us.
“He’s here now because he can’t be alpha unless he’s mated,” I snarled, “He doesn’t want me he wants to be Alpha. Stop telling me I’m wrong for not wanting to be with him.”
“You are wrong,” she was screaming. She kept repeating that I was wrong. She was on her knees now egg covered hands in her hair.
I crouched down and wrapped my arms around her, “I miss him everyday mom,” I whispered to her, “I miss dad every day. He was a wonderful mate to you, and you deserved to grow old together.”
She sobbed into my chest. She kept sobbing. I pet her hair with my hand and let her cry on me. I was so angry with her, but my anger would do neither of us any good here. She fell asleep in my arms; my wolf wouldn’t let me end the embrace. I heard knocking at the front door and ignored it.
The door opened and Kendrick walked in. His yellow eyes surveyed the kitchen and his expression softened when he saw my mother sleeping in my arms. Without a word he walked over and picked her up off the floor and carried her to her bedroom and laid her down.
I started to clean up the kitchen and Kendrick returned, he watched me for several minutes before he spoke, “I’m sorry.”
I glanced at him but continued my cleaning. It was a start, but it was vague. It wasn’t good enough. He took a cautious step closer, “I was here earlier, in the living room waiting for you to wake up. I overheard most of your fight with your mom. I left when she started crying. She doesn’t like it when people see her grieve.”
I stiffened, “I didn’t tell her anything that wasn’t true,” I told him. The egg was really stuck on the pan. I really missed my other hand. My right elbow didn’t have the grip to properly scrub it.
“I didn’t come for you to be Alpha,” he said taking a step closer to me and reaching for the pan, “It was part of the reason, but-”
“I can do it,” I snarled at him when his hand touched the pan.
“I don’t doubt you can do it, Aster,” he said not moving his hand, “I want to talk to you. The dishes can wait.”
“I don’t want to talk to you,” I told him refocusing my attention on the pan. His held it still as I scrubbed.
“I suppose I’m the villain in your history,” he mused, “The big bad wolf who ruined your life?”
I didn’t say anything. I scrubbed harder.
“Tell me about your dad,” he instructed, “He was a sentinel, right? I think I remember dad telling me about him when I was a kid. He was a tracker, right?”
“He was just dad to me,” I said, unable to keep the words from tumbling from my mouth,
“He would be gone for days at a time keeping the pack safe. One time he left and never came back. Mom’s been broken ever since.”
“Losing a mate is not something most wolves survive,” Kendrick told me, as if it was something I didn’t know, “The widow wolves are some of the bravest in the pack. Living for their children.”
“And yet you starve them, use them as slaves, and treat their children like pariahs,” I snarled tossing the sponge into the sink and walking away, “You leave them all alone to suffer their loss, unable to function while their children fend for themselves.”
His brows furrowed, “There are no slaves in this pack, no one is starving. We take care of the orphaned-”
I snorted, “Oh ok, sure.”
“You can’t just throw out accusations like that and-”
“Who cleans your house?” I ask him, “Who cooks the food for pack meals? Who cleans up after parties? Do you pay them? Are they thanked for their service? Do they have a choice or are they obligated by virtue of being weaker than you?”
He closed his mouth stopping any retort that might have been forming.
“You aren’t the only reason I don’t want to be here, you know,” I told him, “Even if you weren’t the most pathetic excuse for a moon blessed mate on earth and I wanted to be your mate, I wouldn’t want to be here. This pack is toxic.”
He looked as though I’d slapped him. After a moment he sighed, “Help me fix it. My dad’s going to die any day now and the pack will be ours. Work with me, Aster. We can make this pack better for all the wolves in it.”
It was my turn to be stunned into silence. He continued, “What do you suggest we do to start fixing it?”
“Eat last,” it was the first thing that came to mind.
His brow furrowed, “What?”
“Switch the order of the next pack meal,” I explained, “Rather than alphas eating first, followed by betas, enforcers, sentinels et cetera. They eat last. Send the weakest first.”
“But it’s our mating meal,” he said still confused, “The mating couple eats first.”
I shook my head; I was stupid to let myself believe for even a second that he meant the words he’d said. He didn’t want change, he just said what he thought he needed to say to get what he wanted.
I was lost in my own grumpy thoughts I didn’t notice him approaching me until his hand was on my arm, “We’ll eat last. The unshifted, widows, and their families will eat first,” his other hand touched my face, “I’ll go one step further. The entire pack will clean before the run. I’ll even do dish duty.”
He’d said unshifted not dud. I’d never heard anyone use that word outside of shifter lessons. “I thought your dad ran off all the d-unshifted,” I said looking into his golden eyes.
Kendrick shook his head, “Kyla’s mate, Marcus has no wolf, I thought you knew.”
“He smells like a wolf.”
Kendrick shrugged, “He doesn’t have one.”
“And your dad didn’t run him off?” I knew the answer, but I needed to hear him say it. If Marcus was a dud in this pack, it was because Kyla claimed him after she got her wolf. I remembered
when she did it, I was the first person she told.
He’s only thirteen, Aster, but he’s mine. I’m going to claim him. I bet his wolf will be hot when he gets him.
He hadn’t gotten the wolf at fifteen when I’d been banished, it hadn’t been cause for concern. I guess he never got it.
“I should have claimed you, Aster,” Kendrick said sensing the trap I’d set for him, “I tried the night I shifted and was told to keep it quiet. I should have fought harder for you. But I’m fighting now.”
Conveniently, Kendrick’s phone rang so I could process his comments without his golden eyes staring at me. I wandered back to my bedroom and shut the door.
48
7 years earlier
I was chasing after his fluffy brown butt. Evan’s bear liked my wolf more than Evan liked me, which was not saying much. My wolf liked the grizzly, though. She darted around him, trying to trip him as we ran around the park.
Evan’s grizzly roared at me and my wolf yipped back, excited. The bear took a swipe with his mighty paw and my wolf dropped to the ground pouncing at him catching the bottom of his neck in her jaw. Quick as she bit, she was away. Even on three legs she bounced around quicker than the six-hundred-pound bear could react. She yipped and barked again, and the bear groaned. He didn’t like this game and ran away.
His bear was fast. My wolf was not faster, but she was cleverer. She darted to catch him on his loop back. She pounced on him and he threw her off effortlessly with a roar. She rolled missing a tree and darted back underneath him, nipping on the tender flesh of his belly.
We’d been shifting together for three years now, every Monday night and every Friday morning, except in the winters when I shifted alone. It had taken almost a full year for my wolf to come out without Evan’s calming words easing her out. It took another year before I could control the shift back to human form. The first time I’d done it, Evan ran over and spun me in a circle. He immediately dropped me. We weren’t touchy people. I still wasn’t sure if he was proud or just glad, he didn’t have to coax the three-legged canine up the stairs anymore.
Tooth and Claw (Kootenai Pack Book 1) Page 13
