“You have a beautiful granddaughter, your lordship,” she said as she came around the desk to kiss him, and took a sip of his scotch. He smiled. She was a good woman, and a game one. She had come through the past two days admirably—she always did. She had never let him down in more than twenty-five years, and he knew she never would.
“Are they both all right?” He looked worried. He didn’t want another tragedy, for any of them.
“Very much so. The baby is huge, but Marianne did fine. And she looks just like Edmund.” He seemed pleased, although slightly disappointed that it was a girl.
“It sounded awful for a while.”
“It always does. You’ve just forgotten. I nearly brought down the house with ours. You were probably too drunk to notice.”
“I think I went out hunting.” He smiled at her for the first time in two days, but this was a happy event, no matter how great their loss. And it was a piece of Edmund to have with them forever.
“Would you like to see her?” Isabel offered, but he looked nervous at the suggestion. It was a little too soon for him.
“Let the poor girl recover for a few hours at least.” Isabel nodded and went back to Marianne and the baby and the doctor left shortly afterward and promised to return the next day. He had had to do a little stitching up, which was to be expected with such a big baby, and he predicted that Marianne would be sore, which she already was. But she was looking at her baby with rapture and smiled at her mother-in-law when she walked in.
“She’s so beautiful,” Marianne said softly, touching the tiny fingers, and she had unwrapped her feet so she could see her toes. She had everything she was supposed to. Marianne had never seen anything as exquisite as her child.
“What are you going to call her?”
Marianne thought about it for a long moment. She had been looking at her violet eyes. “Violet,” she answered, looking peaceful. What Isabel had said to her had calmed her down, and reminded her that in some way Edmund would always be part of her life, through this child. “Violet Edwina Alexandra Isabel Charlotte Beaulieu,” she said, and Isabel laughed. She was honoring the baby’s father and all her grandparents at one shot, since it would be Edmund’s only child. Isabel was touched.
“Good lord,” Isabel said laughing, “she’ll have to marry at least a prince with all that, or a duke at the very least. And sit on a throne.” But Isabel was well pleased by her choices, as Marianne lay with her daughter in her arms. She thought of Edmund and felt him close to her, and quietly closed her eyes as she and the baby drifted off to sleep. Isabel gently smoothed the covers, and silently left the room to go back to her own. She still had much to do, and none of it as joyful as welcoming a grandchild. She had her son’s memorial service to plan, and her heart was heavy as she left. Marianne’s journey with her baby had just begun. And hers with her son had just ended. The two ends of life had come together too quickly.
Chapter 22
It was July on tour in California when Nick heard from Alex that Marianne had had a baby girl and lost her husband, all within two days. Alex said nothing of his own doings, but Nick imagined that there was little going on in the county and his life was quiet, although there was much going on on the war front, both on the Russian front and in North Africa, but the tides hadn’t turned yet for the Allies. And Nick stayed constantly abreast of what was happening in the Pacific. News was scarce from Toby, although he had written to Katja that he wanted to marry her if he came home for Christmas, or on his next leave. And it was all she could talk about whenever Nick saw her. It gave both young people hope and some kind of affirmation of life to make plans.
Nick read avidly about the first American air attack in Europe on occupied France, in mid-August. The United States joined Britain in continuing bombing missions against Germany.
The circus got to San Francisco and was set up for two days in Oakland. Nick was shining his boots, as he always did before each night’s performance. Christianna always offered to do it for him, but he smiled and said it was one of those things a man had to do himself. He always looked impeccable, whether in work clothes, or white tie and tails. He was listening to the news on the radio and didn’t hear the bicycle messenger stop at his trailer. And when he looked up, a young boy in a Western Union uniform was holding out an envelope to him with a trembling hand. For a second, Nick didn’t want to take it, and then he grabbed it. He hated telegrams now. The messenger ran off before Nick could open it. He stood there, reading it, with his shined boots at his feet in the dust, and the brush beside them, and he read it again and again and it didn’t sink in. He wouldn’t let it.… The War Department regrets to inform you that Corporal Tobias Bing … killed in action … in the highest service to his country … regret to inform you … regret to inform you … the words were swimming before his eyes as he let out a low animal howl. Christianna heard it as she came down the road, and came running, thinking that an animal was injured. She found Nick looking dazed, and the telegram clutched in his hand. She took it from him and read it, and he sobbed uncontrollably as she held him. Thank God Lucas was off with the clowns—he was taking juggling lessons. She led Nick into the trailer, and he just stood there still crying.
“He’s dead … he’s dead … oh my God, they killed him …” he kept saying over and over. Toby was a baby. He was almost nineteen and now his life was over. Nick was inconsolable, and Christianna held him for hours as he rocked back and forth, keening for his son.
News spread through the circus within hours. There had already been many losses of boys who had enlisted or been drafted, roustabouts, performers, sons, brothers—the list was long, and now Toby was on it. They had a page in the program now honoring those who had died in service to their country. Christianna’s brothers and father came over that afternoon to talk to Nick, but he was almost incoherent and he cried in his father-in-law’s arms like a child, and Sandor cried too.
“He was such a good boy,” Nick said. “He never gave me any trouble.” Sandor sat with him for a long time, and finally Christianna asked him if he wanted to cancel that night’s performance. He was in no condition to go on, but he knew that he was expected to, and he felt he had to. He and Christianna were their star act, and the audience would be furious if they didn’t go on, whatever the reason. His private tragedy was not their problem, and he shook his head in answer to her question.
“Are you sure?” She was worried about him, and John Ringling North, Joe Herlihy, and the ringmaster came to see him too. Mr. North had ordered their flag to be flown at half-mast. Everyone felt terrible about what had happened, and Christianna could hear Katja scream when Gallina told her. All those who had known and loved Toby were devastated. And the worst was telling Lucas. He lay on his bed and sobbed, mourning his brother, who had been his hero and best friend all his life, even more than their father.
Nick looked like he was going to a funeral when he left for the performance that night, and he’d been in no condition for rehearsal, although they didn’t need one. They could do their act in their sleep. And even if the performance was lackluster that night, the crowd probably wouldn’t know it. The horses were so spectacular and Christianna so beautiful that all Nick had to do was be there. It was all he was capable of now anyway.
Christianna helped him dress, and he followed her blindly to the horses’ tent, where the handlers helped him get the horses to the main ring, and all of them expressed their sympathy about Toby. The ringmaster asked for a moment of silence for one of their brave boys fallen in battle, and mentioned him by name, at the beginning of the performance. Fortunately, Nick didn’t hear it, or he would have come unglued. Nick was devastated. His boys meant everything to him, and it was the second child he’d lost, after his daughter nine years before. Out of three children, only Lucas survived.
Their familiar music played, which was their cue to go on, and Nick and Christianna rode into the spotlight on Pegasus and Athena. Nick was smiling, which looked like a grimace, and Christianna tried to put m
ore into it than usual, to compensate for whatever Nick was lacking, but his performance was flawless. She knew him well enough to see that he was going through the motions blindly, without paying attention to anything, but no one else could see it, and she smiled at him to encourage him, but he was in a daze and looked like he was sleepwalking. Pegasus did the show himself with almost no guidance from Nick, and as they were leaving the ring, Nick was holding the reins slack, and didn’t see a pole someone had left on their path, and neither did the stallion, and he stumbled badly and nearly fell. The shock of it woke Nick out of his stupor, but too late. The Lipizzaner stallion had pulled something in his leg, and was limping badly when they left the ring. Nick was off the horse’s back instantly to check it, as was Christianna, standing near him.
“What happened?” she asked in a frightened voice. She knew how much Pegasus meant to him, and this was no day for anything bad to happen. But the shock of losing Toby and the state Nick was in was why it had. For the first time ever, he hadn’t been paying attention.
“He pulled a ligament,” Nick said tersely. “It’s my fault. I wasn’t watching. I didn’t see what was on the ground.” He always looked for things like that, but hadn’t tonight. All he had been able to see was Toby, who would never come home. Pegasus’s safety had been the farthest thing from his mind.
He asked for a trailer to get the stallion back to the tent. He didn’t want to lame him more by walking. And he asked one of the animal handlers to send him a vet as soon as possible. He got Pegasus to the tent, rubbed him down with liniment, and wrapped the injured leg, but Pegasus could hardly walk when he came out of the trailer. For any horse, it was a disastrous situation, and Christianna prayed that Pegasus would be the exception. She knew that if they had to put him down, it would kill her husband, and he was half dead with grief already.
For the first time in four years, Nick didn’t go to see her act, nor ride in the finale. He stayed in the tent, waiting for the vet, who came after midnight. He seemed to know what he was doing, and he didn’t mince words with Nick. “It’s bad. I can’t tell you it isn’t. It’s not broken, but I think the ligament is torn, not just strained. You may have to put him down.” He was a heavy animal with a powerful body, and thin graceful legs. It was a lethal combination when a horse was injured, and many a racehorse had been shot because they couldn’t recover. Nick refused to hear the vet’s dire prediction.
“I’m not putting him down,” he said grimly.
“We can put him in a sling off the ground to keep his weight off his legs,” the vet suggested, “but you can’t keep him there forever. Sooner or later, the leg has to heal, or you’ll have to face that it won’t.” The sling sounded like a good idea to Nick, and he asked the vet if he knew any competent horse ranches in the area. He mentioned one in Santa Rosa. Nick sat with Pegasus all night and called the ranch in Santa Rosa in the morning. The day before had been the worst day in his life. Peggy Taylor, the woman on the phone at the ranch, promised to come and see Pegasus that afternoon. She sounded smart, and Nick hoped she knew what she was doing. She said they had saved a horse the year before with the kind of sling the vet was talking about, and they still had it.
Fortunately, the circus was staying in San Francisco for five days, and Nick had time to make a decision before they moved on. He informed the ringmaster that Pegasus would not be performing that night. He could ride on one of the Arabians while Christianna rode Athena. He had a black Arabian that would be a good counterpart to her, and the ringmaster accepted. He couldn’t expect him to ride a lame horse.
The woman from the ranch in Santa Rosa came at two o’clock, and after they talked for an hour, she examined Pegasus. Nick liked her. She said they had an excellent vet. Nick agreed to drive Pegasus there before that night’s performance. They left at three o’clock, and by five the vet had seen the horse, and they had him in the sling to keep his weight off his legs. It was all they could do for now. And Christianna had come with him. She was worried sick over Nick, even more than the horse. He looked ravaged and exhausted, and she knew he hadn’t slept.
At seven they headed back to San Francisco, and arrived at the fairground just in time for their show, with no rehearsal, but Nick was more alert than he’d been the night before, although she knew how tired he was. And this time, he watched the ground for obstructions and random objects. And the black Arabian he rode performed well. The audience scarcely knew the difference, and Athena shone when Nick put her through her paces, with Christianna on her, looking like a fairy princess. The crowd loved it.
For the next three days, he drove to Santa Rosa every day to see Pegasus, and Lucas and Christianna came with him. Nick looked grim and barely spoke to them, and Christianna knew he was thinking about Toby, not the horse, but he concentrated on Pegasus when he got to the ranch. And so far nothing had changed. The vet he met with again said it would take several weeks, or even months if he healed, and in the end they might still have to put him down. Nick’s mouth was set in a grim line. And he made the decision to leave him there for now and continue with the tour. Later, he would come back to Santa Rosa on his own, after Oregon and Seattle, and catch up with the circus again after that.
Nick was up most of the night, and Lucas crawled into bed with him that night, and they clung to each other and sobbed.
And when they left San Francisco the next day, Nick looked morbid. He barely spoke to Lucas and Christianna on the drive north. He called the ranch in Santa Rosa twice a day for the next two weeks. Nothing had changed, and he decided to leave Pegasus there for another month. They would be back in the Midwest by then, and he was still using the black Arabian for their act, but he would drive back for Pegasus whenever the vet and Peggy Taylor thought he was ready.
“How is he?” Christianna asked, after the last call.
“The same,” he said, disheartened. It was Labor Day weekend, and they were in Nevada. They played Las Vegas the next day, and Nick went out gambling all night and got drunk, which she had never seen him do before. He was miserable all the time now, and he snapped at Lucas, which was also unlike him. He barely spoke to Christianna, and they hadn’t made love since Toby died. He was mourning his son, and Pegasus being lame was the final straw. Christianna wondered if he’d ever be the same again. He was a different person, and not one she liked or even knew. She said nothing to anyone about it, except finally Gallina. She sobbed to her that he was so miserable now and nothing she did helped him.
“Give him time. This is the second child he’s lost, and a wife. It’s a terrible blow. Just pray that Pegasus gets better. That’s not helping.” Christianna knew her friend was right, and a month later, on the first of October, in Illinois, Peggy called him.
“I think you’d better come out here,” she said sadly. “He’s not eating, Nick. I think he’s just tired of hanging there. Maybe he’s losing hope.” So was Nick, but he didn’t want Pegasus to die. He took two weeks off from the circus, which he had never done before, and his brothers-in-law agreed to drive his horse trailers and tend to his horses with Lucas, and he promised that if he could get back sooner, he would.
He borrowed a truck, and it took him and Christianna two days and nights to drive from Illinois to Santa Rosa, driving hard and sleeping in the truck by the side of the road when they were too tired to continue. And when they got to the ranch and saw Pegasus, Christianna knew it was all over, and so did Nick. He was hanging off his feet and already looked half dead. He had lost all his spirit and his life. The vet was lowering him every few days, and his leg was stronger, but he didn’t seem to want to stand up. The vet said he couldn’t tell if the leg was weak from lack of exercise and still painful, or if Pegasus just wanted to lie down and die. The vet didn’t want to give him the chance to do so, so he’d kept him in the sling, although it was six weeks now since he’d been injured, and Toby had died. Long enough for the Lipizzaner to heal if he was going to, though not long enough for Nick to recover from losing Toby. He was still dee
ply depressed, and even more so when he saw the horse.
Nick stroked his head and spoke to him softly, and Pegasus seemed to revive a little when he saw him. He tossed his head and whinnied and seemed to recognize Christianna as well. It broke her heart and Nick’s to see the condition he was in. He looked like a very tired old horse, although he was only eight years old, which was young for a Lipizzaner, and he had a good fifteen or sixteen years ahead of him, if he chose to live. But he didn’t seem to want to.
Peggy offered to let them stay with her for the night, and they thanked her for the small guestroom. She didn’t say it, but Nick had to make a decision about Pegasus. He was avoiding it, but it was cruel to let Pegasus languish if he wasn’t going to recover. And thinking about it, he went out to the barn that night. He was there for a long time, and Christianna followed him there two hours later, worried about Nick. Losing Pegasus was not going to help him get over losing Toby, or even adjust. It would only make it worse.
She found him slumped against the barn wall, in Pegasus’s stall, talking to the horse in a low steady voice. He was reminding him of the trip over on the ship four years before, when he had lain down and nearly died.
“You’ve got to make the same decision now,” he said, looking up at him, and Pegasus nodded, as though he understood, as Christianna stood in the distance and watched them. Nick had no idea she was there. “You decided to stand up when we were on the boat. I needed you then, and I need you now. You can’t just give up, and neither can I. Toby wouldn’t want that for either of us. He was a good boy, and he’d still be here if he could be. I think he’d be real disappointed in both of us if we give up.” As he said it, tears came to Christianna’s eyes. “I promise you, if you give it another shot, I will give you a good life. I will take care of you for the rest of your days. We’re in this together.” Pegasus nodded again, and Nick stood up and stroked him, and then he saw his wife, watching them both. “I didn’t know you were here,” he said quietly, embarrassed by what she might have heard. He hadn’t wanted to admit to her the depths of his despair, but she loved him and knew it anyway, and he could see it in her eyes.
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