by Loomis, Lisa
“I would love to see San Francisco,” Karen said lazily.
“Correction, hombre, we did take you to Tijuana already,” I teased.
Our trip to the border town in Mexico had been interesting and a totally new experience for Ryan. We laughed a lot and drank a lot. He’d been surprised by the vendors and how they called out to you, wanting to sell their wares. The condition of the streets and buildings in varying degrees of disrepair and construction had shocked him.
Karen and I took him to a strip club and laughed when one of the hookers propositioned him right in front of us. He was horrified. I made him buy Chiclets from the tiny girl selling them on the corner. “Chiclets, Chiclets” she called. It took him getting them in his hand before he realized it was a pack of gum. That outing was when Ryan and Karen fell for each other.
“Yes, San Diego and Mexico, you’re right,” he chuckled. But I know there is so much more, so how about a road trip to San Francisco?”
Getting away with friends sounded awfully appealing.
“I can drink my way up the coast, I guess,” I teased. “You game, Karen?”
Ryan reached over and tickled her back, running his fingers lightly down it.
“Sure,” she said, not lifting her head.
“You can call Mathew, he can meet us,” he said, half teasing.
“Thanks, Ryan. I needed that like a hole in the head,” I said rolling my eyes at him.
Ryan knew most of the Mathew story by now. I had given him the condensed version of our back-and-forth relationship over the years and told him how Mathew wanted me to move back. Ryan didn’t understand the relationship. He didn’t understand why, when Mathew finally asked, I wouldn’t go back to him. I tried to explain my reasoning—the love factor, the uncertainty of his motivation, and his playboy history—but he still didn’t get it. He especially didn’t understand why I’d said no, and yet, stilled grieved over it. I think he equated it to not going back to Carrie and his regrets there.
“So what day are you thinking about leaving, and for how long? The three of us need to talk about it to see if it will work,” I said, wound up at the thought of an adventure.
“What kind of time do you have?” Ryan asked Karen, leaning over her.
The tone of his question tugged at my heart, it was tender and caring, and something I wasn’t used to from the men who had been in my life.
“Shit, I’ll have to watch you two be lovey-dovey the whole trip. That will sort of suck,” I said frowning.
He shot me a silly grin.
“Be happy for me, will ya?”
“I guess. One of us should be happy,” I said with a sigh, which made Karen laugh.
Karen could only go for a long weekend because of work, so Ryan decided we would take Highway 5 up, and then he and I would take Highway 1 at a leisurely pace on the way back. He arranged for Karen to fly home from San Francisco.
Karen and I drank Coronas and sang songs loudly along with the radio while Ryan drove. He laughed and smiled because of our antics. It felt good to be able to be silly. Karen lit a clove cigarette and the sickly sweet smell filled the van.
“God, you still smoking those things?” I asked.
“Only when I drink, just sounds good then.”
Ryan waved the smoke away from his face with his hand and rolled down his window. Since Karen was in the middle I also rolled down mine. The biggest downfall for Ryan was the roadside pit stops, many of which were just that, the roadside next to the van, no gas station. We were having fun partying, and he was willing to put up with us. We finally stopped at a Denny’s in Bakersfield to get something to eat.
“Let’s see,” Ryan said, pulling out the map and opening it on the van steering wheel.
Karen put her left hand on his shoulders and looked at the map with him. He traced his finger down the highway.
“San Jose looks like a good place to stop tonight. In the morning, we can head up to San Francisco.”
San Jose, I hadn’t given much thought to where we would stop. Mathew came to mind; I still missed him deeply, still questioned my decision; wished he’d loved me enough to say it. Seeing Ryan and Karen together made me want that again, a man I cared about to hold me. When I went to the restroom, I passed a pay phone. I stopped and backed up—maybe I should call him. I still remembered his number. I fumbled in my purse for my wallet. My hands shook as I dialed the number, and when the operator came on I hung up. I looked hastily around me, debated, and then dialed O again. This time I waited and the operator gave me the amount for the first three minutes and I deposited the coins into the slot. I felt my pulse quicken at the first ring. The phone rang four times before he answered.
“Hello?”
The sound of his voice made my heart race.
“It’s Morgan,” I said softly.
I explained what was going on, where I would be for the night, and that although I knew it was last minute, wondered if he was available to meet us for dinner. He said that he could. I told him I didn’t know where we were staying, so I would call him when we got to town. I tentatively asked him if he could stay the night.
“Never get sick of me, do you, kid?” he chuckled.
“No, Mathew, I guess I never do,” I said, feeling the sadness creep in.
“Call me when you get here,” he said not hiding the happiness in his voice.
I hung up the phone and went into the bathroom. I saw my reflection in the mirror, still the same girl, but what a sad look. My face was tan from the summer sun and looked firm and radiant, it was the hollowness in my eyes that completely gave me away. I felt overcome with sentiment. Ryan didn’t understand why I didn’t pick up and move for Mathew. Sometimes I didn’t either.
“Too much water under the bridge” I heard Mom say. Was that it? I knew too much? No, I was afraid, afraid of being hurt. Afraid he didn’t really love me. Afraid it wouldn’t be enough for the long haul. Afraid I would lose years like I had with Max. I had loved Mathew too hard, almost obsessively. I had been blind to a lot of his behavior because I didn’t want to see it; the partying, the girls, the selfishness. I had to believe there was more to a relationship, to love. Please let it be more to love!
I slid back into the booth and picked up the menu that was on the table. I hid my face behind it, afraid Karen and Ryan might see into my soul and my feelings if they looked in my eyes. I sucked air in through my lips slowly trying to pull myself together.
“Where did you go?” Ryan asked.
“To the restroom,” I said and paused while I continued to search the menu. “You guys know what you’re having?”
“Yeah,” Karen said. “What took you so long?”
“I stopped at the pay phone, I called Mathew,” I continued.
“You didn’t,” Karen said in a disbelieving tone.
I buried my face in the menu feeling stupid.
“I did. He’s going to come meet us,” I lowered the menu and looked up at their disbelieving faces.
Ryan gave me a curious smirk. He’d joked about the possibility of me calling Mathew when he’d suggested the trip, now I wasn’t sure if he was glad I’d taken his teasing to heart.
“Screw you, okay,” I said defiantly. “I’m weak.”
It annoyed me that they would talk about what I’d done. Lie in bed holding each other and say “what an idiot Morgan is”. So I threw my being weak out there, owning it.
“I didn’t say a word,” Ryan said staring into my eyes, his face devoid of emotion.
I blinked at him and then turned away.
“You didn’t have to.”
We ordered food and ate fairly quickly. I was excited now about getting to San Jose. Ryan caught my eye several times and smiled, almost like he knew his initial reaction had been a bit harsh. I’d talked to him about Mathew, like a girlfriend, and he was giving me that all too-knowing look. It made me wonder what he was thinking, and then I thought maybe I was better off not knowing.
“Let’s get on the
road,” he said, throwing money on the table when the waitress brought the check over.
“Here, let me at least get my food,” I said, digging in my purse.
“Forget it,” he said, sliding out of the booth.
I was quiet the rest of the way to San Jose. I’d called Mathew out of loneliness, knowing in advance it would be for only one night. I thought about Ryan and Jill, the waitress he’d dated in Park City, who was nothing like Karen. Jill was short and a little heavy with shoulder-length brown hair, very nondescript. Karen, on the other hand, was fun, crazy, and good-looking with short brown hair, a cute round face, and green eyes. She and I had always had a good time together, and I could tell Ryan was happy to be with her. I just hoped he didn’t think it was more than a fling.
Karen was singing with the radio again, and I glanced over at Ryan. Looked at his profile as he drove, picture his blue eyes, the way he’d looked at me once. I saw us in the hot tub back in Park City, and then Ryan coming down to dinner in his long johns. I smiled inwardly, remembering how we finished that night; a way I would have never guessed. I was glad it hadn’t ruined our friendship.
“So what made you call him?” Karen asked as we saw the exit sign to San Jose.
“That’s a stupid question,” Ryan chuckled, not taking his eyes off the road. “She obviously needs to get laid.”
Karen turned to me and gave me the thumbs up sign with a smile.
“Yeah, right, Ryan, that was my only thought. I honestly didn’t think I would get him. Thought I’d be leaving a message on his answering machine: ‘hi passing through, sorry I missed you’ type deal. Got lucky, I guess,” I said and laughed.
Chapter 14
Once we checked into the motel, Ryan and Karen went to their room, and I went to mine. I told them I would call Mathew, and then we could figure out what to do for dinner. I looked at the bedside clock, four twenty eight. I dialed his number, and this time he answered on the second ring.
“You here?” he asked, his tone upbeat.
“Just checked in.”
“So where are you staying?”
“We’re at the Motel 6 downtown. Do you know where that is?” I asked.
“I do. It will take me about fifteen minutes or so. See you in a few,” he said and hung up quickly.
I went to the bathroom and washed my face. I touched up my makeup and then changed my shirt. I sat on the bed and then stood back up and paced the room. As excited as I was to see Mathew, I felt lonely and alone. I knew Ryan and Karen would be after each other down the hall, and it made me sad. I wanted love, real love, and I hadn’t been able to find it.
I loved Mathew, had loved him so desperately at times I thought I would lose it, but it wasn’t mutual. He never identified his feelings as love for me. He called them all different things, but never love. I shouldn’t have called. I was feeling sorry for myself, having to watch Ryan and Karen together. I thought about calling Mom, wanting to hear her voice, when he knocked on the door.
“Hey, pretty lady, can I come in?” Mathew asked when I opened it.
He stood with his arm above his head leaning against the doorjamb, a stance I remembered from the first time I’d met him. My throat tightened and the butterflies inside me took flight and did back flips. It had been a couple of months since I’d seen him. When the door closed, he took me in his arms and kissed me hungrily. He pressed his body into mine as he pulled me tighter to him.
“Um,” I moaned as his tongue sought mine, his lips were warm and soft; that kiss.
My knees went weak as the glow spread through my stomach, then lower, down between my legs. He could still generate that so quickly. Why had I called? Why was I torturing myself? He started unbuttoning my shirt with one hand and feeling my breasts through my shirt with the other. He ran his fingers around the spot my nipple was and then pinched gently through the fabric making my nipples instantly hard. I didn’t wait and pushed back from him taking over getting out of my clothes. I pulled the still partially buttoned shirt over my head and pushed my shorts down, moving my thighs and lower leg to step out of them. He watched amused with his lazy sexy grin. I stripped off my bra and panties and stood in front of him, naked, panting.
“Never get tired of looking at that,” he said, reaching for me and laying me down on the bed.
I moved up the bed and slid under the covers as I watched him take off his clothes. I squeezed my thighs together in anticipation; I was ready. I looked at the body that had driven me senseless for years with renewed desire.
“I’ve missed you,” I whispered when he slid in beside me.
For the time being I did not want to think about anything but us right here, right now. He wrapped his arms around me and pulled our naked bodies together. I felt his hardness against my stomach.
“Ah, kid,” he said as he started to kiss his way down my neck and shoulders.
It hadn’t gone away. The fire he could ignite was still there; the intense yearning overpowering me. “You two burn too hot” I heard Mom’s voice say. I pushed it from my head and focused on the things Mathew was making me feel. Sex had never been an issue for us. We’d had that part figured out from the beginning. I let him take me on a roller coaster ride, higher and higher until we hit the peak and plummeted down the other side.
“So, who’s with you again?” Mathew asked, playing with my hair as I rested my head on his chest.
I put my hand over his heart feeling it beat, slowing down slowly from our interlude.
“Ryan, from Park City,” I said.
“Was he your roommate?” Mathew asked.
“No, Ryan was a bartender I met when I first went to Park City with Liz. The winter I spent there, he was working construction, so I didn’t see him that much around town; we had different hours. We skied together sometimes. Stuff like that. We got to be good friends,” I answered.
“How good?” Mathew teased.
Mathew and I’d been “good friends” for a very long time. I wondered if his question was purely curiosity. He’d never showed me a jealous side.
“Not like that,” I answered, stretching the truth a bit. “He’s down the hall right now, no doubt banging the shit out of one of my best friends.”
Mathew chuckled.
“Karen? Have I met Karen?” he asked. “Is she cute?”
I jabbed his chest with my finger.
“That’s rude. Yeah, she’s cute, and she’s here with Ryan.”
He rolled me off his chest so he was facing me. He pushed my hair back, and looked into my eyes. It was a look of curiosity with a hint of mischievousness. I leaned in and kissed him.
“Anything I shouldn’t say tonight?” he asked.
“Let it rip. Nothing I worry about hiding. Don’t hit on Karen, though. That happens, the claws will come out.” I warned.
He ran his finger over my lips.
“I wouldn’t do that,” he said, somewhat pained.
“Yeah, whatever,” I chuckled, getting up from the bed. “I’m taking a shower. Coming?”
He watched as I crossed the room. When I got to the bathroom door, he smiled at me.
“I’m coming,” he said, flipping the covers back and lurching toward me.
I laughed as I turned on the water. Mathew stepped into the tub and wrapped me in his arms. The warm water ran between our bodies as we stood under the showerhead. The phone rang in the bedroom.
“Apparently they’re finished,” I said softly.
“We’re not finished though, not by a long shot,” Mathew teased. “Nights young.”
“I committed us to dinner with them, Chinese, so you will have to wait till after.”
“Um, get you before and after, appetizer and dessert,” he said kissing my wet neck.
When he stepped out of the shower he handed me one of the hotel’s worn looking towel.
“Not the Hyatt,” I teased.
“Definitely not.”
We got dressed and I touched up my makeup before I called Ryan
and Karen’s room. Karen answered the phone.
“Is Mathew here?” she asked.
“He is. He came over right after I called him. Didn’t call your room right away because I figured you two were busy, didn’t want to interrupt anything,” I said.
I pictured Ryan freshly showered, how his curls looked wet as he’d stood in his long johns.
“What have you been doing?” she asked in a provocative voice.
“Hanging out, waiting for your phone call, just staring at each other,” I said.
“Bullshit, Morgan. The bed still made?” she asked laughing.
I knew Ryan must be next to her, listening.
“Of course it is,” I said, trying to be serious.
“Bullshit,” she said again.
“Quit calling me a liar,” I chuckled, “We going to dinner or not?”
We went out for Chinese food and ate too much and drank too many beers. We were all pretty loaded when we got back to the motel.
“I think we’ll just head to our room,” Karen said as she hung unsteadily on Ryan’s arm.
“Okay,” I said happy to have Mathew to myself.
“See you in the morning,” Ryan said.
I watched as they walked down the corridor towards their room arm in arm.
“Morgan?”
“Oh, sorry,” I said swinging around to face Mathew.
In the room I felt a little awkward and wondered what we should talk about.
“Come here kid,” he said, as he sat down on the bed. “I’ve missed you.”
We crawled in bed and talked. I cuddled up against him, breathing in his smell as he draped his arm around my shoulders. He ran his fingers gently up and down my arm. Like this, when we were away from the world, it worked. Months ago I realized it wasn’t practical to think it could be just us; the world was out there, and in it too much temptation for him. Mathew didn’t understand what I meant, but I knew. He hadn’t been able to convince me otherwise. We made love, and then talked some more, recalling funny moments from our past. It was late when I feel asleep is his arms. The phone woke us in the morning, and I reached across a sleepy Mathew to answer it.
