by Loomis, Lisa
Chapter 33
I woke still wrapped in Ryan’s arms. It was almost as if he were hanging on. I smiled, thinking about his image of me in the sail. I needed to pee, but I didn’t want to leave him, the warmth of him for the cold trek across the campground for a pit toilet. I peeled his arms off, and he rolled over with a sigh. I searched through the pile of clothes at the side of the tent for my sweats and tried quietly to put them back on.
“You promised me a run, you know,” he whispered, not moving.
“I know, I thought you were still asleep. I have to go to the bathroom before anything.”
He rolled onto his back and put his arms behind his head. He grinned at me, a sexy look, a satisfied one, his eyes twinkling. I could see his arms and part of his chest and the butterflies went soaring as I recalled our evening. I smiled.
“I’ll get dressed, be ready when you get back.”
I almost said stay; let’s go round two, but in the light of day I wanted to see what last night had meant. I walked across the campground quickly. The sun was out, but it hadn’t had a chance to warm the air yet, air that bit at me through my clothes. I wasn’t sure how to handle today. Did I try to talk about it, or not? I was afraid of his feelings, of getting my feelings hurt again, of expecting something that wasn’t.
I questioned yet again why I let friendships move into other realms. Why just like with Mathew I’d allowed cross-overs with Ryan, a weird blending of friendship and love, love on my part anyway. I shivered as I opened the pit door and wasn’t certain if it was the cold or my nervousness about the day. I wrapped my arms around myself as I headed back to our campsite.
He was outside the tent, wearing a white tank top, black sweats, and his running shoes. I admired his body as he stretched out his legs against the bench, his sexy, defined biceps, those arms that held me last night. Arms I wanted to hold me again, but only if things could change. The butterflies inside me quivered with uncertainly.
“Aren’t you cold?” I asked.
“A little. Won’t be when we start running,” he said with a smile. “Get dressed, let’s go.”
I crawled back in the tent and put on my running gear. I wasn’t forgoing the sweatshirt like he was. I could tie it around my waist later, wishing I didn’t have it I was sure, but for now I was warm. We walked for a bit and then ran down the side of the deserted highway, keeping pace with each other.
“It’s so beautiful,” I puffed as we ran.
He didn’t comment. I was running a lot these days, and since I didn’t know how much he’d been running, I didn’t know how far we could go. I figured he wouldn’t stop until I did, so after about forty minutes, I stopped and started walking.
“You ready to head back?” he asked, his chest rising and falling as he tried to slow his breathing.
“Yeah, let’s walk,” I said.
My head had spun with thoughts during our run and I’d decided I wanted to talk; I couldn’t not address last night. Thinking back to the sleeping bag scenario made me smile. I understood my feelings for him now, and they weren’t going away. If it meant getting hurt to have an answer, so be it. I wondered why it had taken me so long to get it. To finally figure out that I loved him.
“So what now?” I asked.
We walked quite a ways before he answered me. I waited giving him time to think. Sweat trickled down the side of my face and I reached up wiping it away.
“Morgan, I’m still afraid of losing your friendship, your family’s friendship, if it doesn’t work out between us…” he started.
The hurt spread through me like water splashed across a smooth floor from a bucket. How I hated that as any form of an answer. That’s not what I want to hear! I took off sprinting and ran as fast and as far as I could. I ran gulping in huge amounts of air, panting, but still pushing myself until my lungs burned. My heart felt like it could explode from my chest; only then did I resume walking. I didn’t look back. After several minutes, Ryan caught up to me.
“What was that?” he asked confused by my action.
“That,” I huffed. “That was my answer to you being afraid.., Fuck that. If we leave here, and we are not a couple, not officially dating, then there is no friendship. It’s done, Ryan.”
I could feel my blood race; felt it pounding in my head, my nervousness having vanished, anger replacing it.
“I can’t speak for my mom or my family, but that’s where I am. You make a decision about moving forward or not. I can’t have the feelings I have for you, sleep with you, and then go back to friend status. It’s too painful. It’s plain mean, Ryan, to expect that anymore. So you have between now and when we land at Palomar to decide what you want,” I said, picking up the pace to a jog again.
I stared at the broken line in the center of the road, refusing to look at him as he fell in beside me, and we jogged back toward camp. Broken, broken, broken went on in my head with each section of line I passed. Feelings swirled in me like a kaleidoscope, little pieces of colored glass: anger, hurt, love, and hope. I realized if he didn’t feel the same, there was nothing I could do. It was there or not.
We went about packing up the camp in silence. I’d said what I wanted to, now it was up to him. Ryan rolled up the sleeping bags, setting them on the table, once again separated, and then dismantled the tent. I cleaned up the camp and organized the items on the table. The longer the silence continued, the more I realized this was not as cut-and-dried a decision for him as I thought it should be. The longer the silence went on, the more my heart ached.
Ryan gave me a weary smile as we headed back across the desert towards the plane. As we picked our way through the rocks, and around cactus and over shrubs I felt a sense of resignation. I will be okay no matter what.
“I’m ready to get home and shower,” I said breaking the silence as we packed the last of the gear into the plane.
“A hot shower will feel good,” he said almost shyly.
He did his flight check and run-up. I’d only given him one choice with no out, be a couple or nothing and I wondered if I would regret it. As the plane took off, I looked out the window at the campground and our campsite below, and my thoughts raced back in time to so many moments between us. I couldn’t get sentimental. This was here, now. He either had to grab it, or let it go.
In the cockpit of the small plane the engine noise was intense. Ryan wore his headphones most of the time when he flew unless we were trying to talk. There was a pair for me too, but they were uncomfortable. We didn’t try to talk today and I stared out my side window at the landscape below. Despite the noise of the engine, the silence was painful, and I couldn’t wait to get home.
I tried to think of subjects that I could broach, but anything I thought of seemed like it would be trivial and forced, so I didn’t say anything. The plane’s engine hummed in my ears as my mind wandered. Suddenly I heard Ryan talk into the radio and knew he was talking to the Palomar tower.
“Roger,” he ended and clipped the radio back to its hook.
I could see the runway and the ocean, cool and blue, beyond. I watched the ground as he circled on his approach. Up in the clouds I felt disconnected from the earth, from my life there. I watched as the ground raced up at us, dreading the hurt that was coming at me. Feeling the wall of ice forming around my heart. He landed the plane, and we taxied back to the flight school. He pulled the plane into its parking space and turned off the engine. I slowly rotated my head to look at him. He took off his headset, setting it in his lap and looked into my eyes. I waited almost holding my breath.
“What if it doesn’t work?” he asked with trepidation.
I felt my throat tighten, and a knot form in my stomach.
“Then we deal with that then. I understand, Ryan,” I sighed. “It’s a no-win if it doesn’t. But look at it this way, you lose my friendship now or risk love and possibly lose it later. On the other hand, if it does work, we both might have found something.”
His smile shocked me when it came.
“Okay,” he said, as he leaned over to kiss me. “Let’s go to your house and shower.”
I didn’t feel as relieved as I thought I would. I wanted to feel excited, but the fact that I gave him an ultimatum didn’t sit well with me. Now there was a different worry that filled me, a sense of panic that I’d forced him. “Try” I heard Mathew’s voice say. Is that what Ryan is doing is trying? When we got out of the van at my place, he put his arm around me as we walked up the stairs. It felt comfortable and warm, the tension from the flight gone. I fished around in my bag for my keys; unlocking the door I pushed it open. Ryan grinned as he pulled me inside and then to him, kissing me.
“See that’s not so bad,” I chuckled.
“It’s never been bad, ever,” he said happily as he closed the front door.
“Come on, let’s get in the shower,” I said, taking his hand.
When he stripped and stood naked in front of me, I felt my heart beat faster. It seemed we had always been in the dark before. His chest was nice, not too much hair. Ryan’s arms had always caught my eye, and I reached out and ran my hands down them. He had a slim waist and I could see his cock was already starting to get hard. I smiled.
“What?” he asked.
I looked up into his eyes and saw relief, and I could feel some of my worry wash away, the ice layer melting. He tilted his head to one side in question.
“I like it,” I said admiringly, taking his hand.
I turned the water on, letting it run to get warm. I leaned into his naked body, kissing him, feeling him. Pressing my body into his.
“I’m sorry I made you make a decision. I couldn’t go on like we were friends and then more than friends, and back again. When I told you my feelings at Thanksgiving, I knew I was risking losing you, but I felt it was worth the risk. I’m not sure if your feelings are at the same level, but we need to see. We have to move forward,” I said.
He wrapped his arms around my shoulders and looked intently into my eyes.
“It doesn’t mean I’m not worried about this,” he said. “I don’t want to lose one of the best friends I’ve ever had.”
His eyes searched mine.
“Let’s not think like that,” I said reaching to pull up the tub lever.
The water came shooting out of the showerhead, and I stepped in, with Ryan right behind me, and shut the glass door.
“Ah,” he said cupping his hands to catch the warm water.
We both stood in the spray, close to one another, feeling the warmth seep into our bodies. I grabbed the bar of soap and lathered it up, pulling him out of the stream. I started at the base of his neck and lathered down his chest, down his arms and his hands, in between his fingers, lingering, holding his hands.
“You feel awful nice Ryan Walker,” I purred.
I brought my soapy hands back to his chest, and then slid them lower over his flat stomach and still lower. I took his hard cock in my hand and rubbed slowly; the slip of the soap making it easy to stoke him. Feeling him that way and being able to look into his eyes made my heart race.
“Um,” he groaned as he pushed towards me.
He took the soap from me then and started on my shoulders, close to my neck, and massaged slowly up over my shoulders and back again. I could feel the blood race in my body. His touch made me shiver, and he laughed low and sexy.
“I can’t help it,” I chuckled seeing in his eyes that he’d seen it.
“It’s okay, it’s good,” he grinned wrapping his arms around me. “I like it. That little shudder you do.”
He slid one hand between us moving it slowly down to my breast. I pulled away from him somewhat freeing his other hand, taking them both in mine and placing them over my breasts. I could see the desire in his face as he kneaded them. I leaned my head back and he ran his fingers around my nipples and then rolled them between his fingers. Then he traced a line between them, down my stomach, and teasingly around my hips cupping my ass. The butterflies launched and were spinning in delight.
“Oh,” escaped from my lips as he pushed me against the back wall of the shower.
He kissed me with a desire I hadn’t felt from him before, his tongue probing, exploring, wanting me to reciprocate. He pressed his pelvis into me, and I shivered again with anticipation. The shower spray was hitting his back and neck, spilling over between our bodies. His hands explored my body hungrily while he kissed me. He teased me so long I finally took his hand and put it between my legs, guiding his fingers into me.
“Ryan,” I moaned.
He pulled me into him harder, lifting me slightly so he could enter me. I held onto him tightly, feeling his muscles tighten as he thrust into me. Thrusting and pumping his cock into me, he made my knees weak. For a split second, I thought I might laugh—this was not a side of Ryan I knew. I had always seen a gentle, calmer side, and it made me lightheaded to experience this lustful side. Feeling that animal like appetite. As he increased his rhythm, all thoughts were driven from my head, and I moved with him. As our raspy breathing grew louder I could feel the wave coming from the inside out, and we both hit the peak at the same time.
“Ah,” I cried out.
I felt him ease from me as I slid down the wall slightly my legs shaking. I held onto his shoulders not trusting that I could stand on my own.
“Wow,” I said softly. “Wow.”
He pulled back and looked into my eyes. I stared into his blue eyes and saw the sparkle, saw the slight grin of utter fulfillment.
“Who was that guy?” I whispered, smiling.
He took one of my hands and kissed it.
“You asked for it, you got it. You think you know everything about me, but you don’t,” he said, giving me a cute grin.
“Wow,” I said again.
Chapter 34
Ryan and I spent New Year’s Day together, laughing, talking, and making love again and again. Ryan seemed happy and comfortable, as if he were pleased with his decision.
“Will you stay tonight?” I asked after we’d dressed. “I’m sure I can scrounge up something for dinner. Probably not as good as yours last night, but I can find something. We can sit by my fire and talk, drink some wine…I promise it will be warmer.”
“That’s a given,” Ryan chuckled as I ran my hand down the front of his chest.
“There’s so much I don’t know about you, things I thought I knew, but am realizing I didn’t; like that little display of animal magnetism earlier in the shower.”
Ryan smiled as he settled down into my living room couch.
“Now I really want to know you, everything about you,” I gushed.
He looked so relaxed in his jeans and a T-shirt, as he casually threw one arm up on the back of the couch. Angling himself towards me as I went to the kitchen he followed me with his eyes. Inside I was feeling waves of delight about us being together. I opened the refrigerator and bent down to see what I had to eat.
“Looks like spaghetti and a salad. Otherwise the limited choices are yogurt or vegetables, unless we want to go to the store,” I said looking over my shoulder.
“Do you have red wine?” he asked.
“I do as a matter of fact.”
“Spaghetti sounds perfect then.”
Ryan helped me make dinner, and again I felt feelings push forth that I didn’t think I had. True love feelings, like Ryan was it, that just maybe I’d finally found love. While we ate, we laughed about our history and where we were now. We discussed knowing too much about each other’s past and decided that the past had to be the past, especially where ex-loves and ex-lovers were concerned. No jealousy about the past.
“I think we brought in the New Year right, don’t you?” I asked as he drove me back to my car the next morning.
“I do,” he said turning and smiling at me.
The way he said “I do” unsettled me, was there a little hint of a question in his tone? I suddenly felt pressure around my heart and realized now I was afraid, afraid he would get away fro
m me and change his mind. I hated the doubt.
“When do I get to see you next?” I asked uncertainly.
I looked out my side window not wanting to appear too anxious, too insecure.
“You work tomorrow night, so how about I come by after work tonight?” he said.
“Will you?”
“Why not? We’ll go out. Do Mexican at that place by Von’s. How’s that sound?”
“It sounds wonderful,” I said enthusiastically.
He walked me to my car and opened the door for me.
“See you tonight,” he said, bending down and kissing me after I got in the car.
I couldn’t get to my mom’s house fast enough; the excitement was exploding like fireworks inside me. The butterflies were recklessly doing cartwheels.
“Mom,” I yelled, coming in the back door. “Mom.”
“In here,” she called.
I could tell she was in her room. Dad’s car was gone so I assumed he had gone to work.
“What are you doing here so early?” she asked, looking at my reflection in her mirror.
She’d obviously just showered and was putting on her makeup. The bathroom mirror was still partially fogged, and I could smell the Dove soap she used, a creamy sort of fresh smell. She watched me come closer in the mirror before she turned her head to look at me. By her serious expression I could tell she was worried about what I had to say. I smiled as I pumped my hands up and down, unable to contain my happiness.
“What is it?” she asked smiling. “What’s making you so happy?”
“Ryan,” I answered.
She put her eye pencil down and turned her entire body toward me. I could see her shoulders relax.
“Ryan? Like you and Ryan?” she asked.
I quickly nodded my head yes with a big grin.
“Oh, thank goodness,” she screamed loudly.
She did a funny little jig around her dressing area like she was doing a victory dance. I couldn’t help but laugh.
“Finally,” she said, coming to hug me to her.
She held me tight rocking the two of us.
