by Loomis, Lisa
“Hello,” I said.
“We need to talk, Morgan,” Ryan said softly.
I sucked in my breath at the sound of his voice. I paused trying to compose my thoughts.
“Ryan, stop, there’s nothing to talk about. Obviously my mom has been getting into my business, and she shouldn’t be,” I said, shooting her a dirty look. “I understand you two are still friends, and I’m okay with that. You can talk. I don’t need you to explain anything more to me. Really I don’t.”
Again I gave her an angry look. The vise that seized my heart pissed me off. The butterflies flipped upside down and crashed into each other confused. The sound of his voice tore at my emotions, and I felt like everything I’d accomplished in being away was crushed. I was furious at both of them. I was trying to be strong, get over it, and yet they weren’t letting me.
“I’m leaving to go home for a week to New York,” Ryan said. “When I get back, I want to talk. Will you promise to at least meet with me.”
“I can’t promise to meet you, but I will promise to listen,” I sighed.
I hung up the phone and grabbed my purse and my keys. My heart was racing, and tears burned at the back of my eyes. I wasn’t even sure why I promised to listen. I felt like I might explode. What was he going to do, explain his feeling guilty away?
“You aren’t leaving,” Mom said, pleading.
“The hell I’m not. That was so contrived, it’s sick,” I spat out. “Right now, Mom, what you’ve done makes me more than livid. I don’t care how much you care about Ryan. You should be thinking about me first, and that’s not what you’re doing. You can’t make someone love me, damn it.”
I could feel the tears pressing, but I stuffed them down, afraid of letting them come.
“I don’t want someone who doesn’t know, who questions his feelings for a minute,” I choked. “Fuck Mom, let it go.”
I tore open the screen door and she jumped up following me out to my car. I could tell she felt awful, tears ran down her cheeks. I knew I was hurting her by going home, but I didn’t care. She stood in the driveway, her expression pleading as I backed out. I stopped in the road to put the car into drive and gave her one last look; she leaned forward her hands collapsing onto her knees.
“I’m sorry,” she yelled.
The minute I hit the freeway ramp, I could feel the tears come, big droplets that fell onto my shirt. Animal like sounds escaped from my lips as the damn broke. The anger, hurt, and betrayal swirled through me. What did Ryan and I need to talk about that we hadn’t already addressed? I seriously thought about driving straight back to Tahoe and directly to Tate’s bed. Make a clean break. Run away. Right this moment I was mad at myself for making him take it slow.
When I opened my front door, I stood in the doorway a minute, watching the green light on my answering machine blinking down the hall. The condo was dark and smelled as if it had been closed up awhile, which it had. I looked at the couch in my small living room and could envision Ryan on it, his arm resting along its back. “I don’t want her going home to a dark house” Mom’s voice rang in my ears, probably because she knew it would make me feel lonely.
How can you do this Mom?! Why? Determined, I turned on the kitchen light and opened up the sliding glass door before I made my way to my room, to the answering machine on the nightstand. I sat down on the bed and looked at all the encouraging sayings I’d taped to the closet door mirror. Things like “If you love something, set it free, if it returns to you, it’s yours. If it doesn’t, it was never meant to be”.
I sighed and pushed the play button on the machine. There were a few old calls from friends forgetting I was away, a recent message from Liz asking if I was home yet, and last, a call from Mom.
“Please don’t be mad at me. I can’t stand it. I have missed you so much,” she said, her voice trembling. “I only talked to Ryan because he needed a friend. He really does miss you.”
I pushed the stop and erase button not wanting to hear anymore. I felt sorry for Mom. I knew she’d been caught in the middle. My heart felt shattered and the tears came forth again. I was sure he missed me; like me, he’d lost his best friend too.
When I was able to stop the tears I thought about the future; what that was going to look like. I needed to take one day at a time. Tomorrow night I was working my normal shift at The Chart House. I knew Luke would be bartending. Maybe he could help me sort out my hurt and anger, give me some advice…let me get naked again in his sail, feel free.
Chapter 43
“Hey, girlie, glad to have you back,” Luke said grinning, grabbing me in a bear hug as I topped the back stairs.
I wrapped my arms around his neck and gave him a squeeze.
“I missed you, Luke, not work so much, but definitely you. It’s amazing how fast a month goes. It hardly seems like I’ve been gone, and then it seems like forever,” I said letting go of him.
He took hold of my bare arms and held me in front of him examining me.
“Nice and tan, you look great. Really great.”
“Thanks,” I said embarrassed by his enthusiasm.
“You need to tell me, tell me all the stories. I want all the gory details,” he chuckled as we walked together through the kitchen to clock in.
“At least I hope there’s some gory details. Some that involve being naked?” he teased.
I slapped him on the back.
“You really are a perv, you know it,” I laughed.
As we set up the bar, I told Luke about my stay at Ginny’s. The parties that I went to, the people I met. I told him about staying out all night on the boat with Brad; how amazing it was, but how lonely it made me feel. Luke attributed the lonely feeling to the partying and the blow and no sleep.
“No more pity parties for you,” he teased, “move along, little doggie.”
“I met a really cute guy too. Tate,” I said with a grin.
Luke was unloading the glassware onto the back bar that the dishwasher had left in big green trays sitting on the bar.
“Any potential?” he asked.
“Maybe,” I said coyly. “He’s nice, we had fun. I left it open with him.”
He spun around to look at me, an eyebrow raised.
“Did you have sex with him?” Luke asked. “Come on, tell me there’s some sex.”
He was like a little kid begging for a lollipop. It made me laugh.
“I’m not telling,” I teased, torturing him.
“Ah, come on, tell me there was some wild sex, on the beach even, with multiple mind shattering orgasms.”
“Um, you paint a very vivid mental picture,” I said.
“You’re not answering me,” Luke said his shoulders slumping, a frown on his face.
I laughed and laughed at his exaggerated disappointment. He dumped a container full of limes on my station for me to cut.
“How’s your mom? She’s glad to have you home, I would bet,” he asked.
I watched as he filled the other garnish containers with olives, cherries, lemon wedges, and pickled onions as I cut limes.
“Right now I’m so pissed off at her,” I said between clinched teeth.
“Why?” he asked surprised. “You just got home. The two of you are usually best buds.”
I hacked into a lime cutting it quickly in half and then into quarters.
“Because she’s trying to drag Ryan back in,” I said.
“What?” he hollered. “Drag him back in how?”
I dropped the lime wedges in the empty tray as Luke started to polish glasses.
“I don’t know. He says he wants to talk when he gets back from his folks in New York,” I said.
“Screw him,” Luke said his lips pulling into a straight line.
Hack at another lime, cut, cut done.
“I agreed to talk, or listen really. I don’t have anything else to say,” I said preoccupied. “I’m curious, but I don’t know what’s left for him to say, except maybe sorry.”
Luke h
eld the glass up to the light to inspect it for watermarks.
“You don’t have listen to him, Morgan. What the fuck do you owe him? When he comes back, tell him you’ve changed your mind. Even better, tell him you fucked Tate,” Luke said heatedly. “Hot, very hot, passionate, to the moon fucking.”
“Luke,” I scolded. “It’s never that easy. I want to hear what he has to say; I need to. I haven’t understood this whole thing, so it might give me closure. I want to be mad; I want to hate him. I want to run back to Tahoe with my head clear and my heart open.”
“Run back to Tahoe?” he asked, looking up at me.
“I just might,” I said and smiled. “He’s pretty damn cute, certainly fuckable.”
Luke laughed jovially. I tried to think about Tate, feel his skin, feel his kiss, and feel feelings for him. I couldn’t be totally mad at Mom, because it still came back to the fact that I hadn’t really gotten over Ryan. I’d stuffed my feelings down, but they were still there. That is what she understood that I didn’t. Fuck, why was love so damn complicated? Yes, Ryan and I needed to talk, lay it out, finish it, so I could be done.
“So this Tate, could he be a possibility, really?” Luke asked.
“He’s in Tahoe. I’m here. So right now, no, but I may be open to it,” I said.
“So, Morgan, did you sleep with him?” he asked seriously. “Please tell me you did, that you made crazy love all night long.”
I giggled.
“You’re such a chick, Luke, so nosy, and no, I didn’t sleep with him. I didn’t think it was fair to move forward with him when someone else was still in my head,” I said.
“Aw, darn, I was hoping for some juicy tidbits,” Luke said with another dejected look.
“None to give, sorry. I know I’m stupid that way. If I let them in, it’s damn hard to get them out,” I said with a cheesy grin.
The Sunday crowd was generally the Shelter Island locals and usually busy. Tonight, the Stars and Stripes team was in and kept me running. Luke could step up his game when it got busy, and he made my job easy even when we got slammed. We hadn’t had much time to talk since set-up. Now it was late, and there were just a few stragglers in the bar.
“Don’t be so mad at your mom. She’s stuck, even if she’s creating it. Personally, I wish you wouldn’t talk to Ryan. I don’t think any explanation he gives you will make you feel any better. You’re hardheaded, though, and I’m sure you will anyways. Now your mom, you and your mom are tight, and you need to talk. I love your mom,” Luke said with conviction.
“Everyone does,” I said. “This hasn’t been easy on her, trying to be my best girlfriend and my mother while being friends with Ryan. I’m sure she’s conflicted.”
Someone caught his attention at the entrance of the restaurant, and he glanced up with a hello nod and then looked at me. I was facing Luke, standing at my station, unable to see the door unless I turned around. Whoever was approaching was obviously someone Luke knew.
“Hey, Captain Blake,” he called out loudly, in his friendly bartender-banter sort of way.
I turned around just as Blake slid his arm around my waist and gave me a squeeze.
“Eh,” Blake said staring into my eyes.
He smelled good, looked tan and handsome, and I knew the yacht must be back in town.
“You haven’t been in to see us forever. Lost on some tropical island, I’m betting,” I teased, leaning in to give him a quick peck on the lips.
“Back at ya,” he said, still holding me close.
“Belly up,” I said, motioning toward a barstool. “I’m almost off, and I can come have a drink with you.”
I cleaned up my station while Blake made himself comfortable.
“What can I get ya, Captain,” Luke asked in a cheerful tone.
“I’ll take one of your cold drafts. Morgan, glass of wine?” Blake asked. “I’m buying.”
He smiled at me and I remembered the night on the yacht… before Ryan. Maybe Blake would have been easier; at least I would have had my eyes wide-open going in.
“You don’t have to do that,” I protested.
“I know I don’t. Wine?” Blake questioned.
“Perfect. Luke, you know what I like. I need to go clock out, and then I’ll be back,” I said, taking my tray and cash caddy.
I went to the back room, punched out, and put a light jacket over my outfit—management preferred that we cover up our Hawaiian attire if we were going to be a patron at the end of our shift. I slid onto the barstool next to Blake.
“Thanks for the drink,” I said.
It had probably been almost four months since I’d seen him.
“Where you been off to this time?”
“The Caribbean a couple times, moved the boat down there then came back for a week before I moved it again. Last time I was in you were gone.”
“Yeah, I needed a break, took some time off,” I said.
“Luke told me things didn’t work out so well with your boyfriend. Sorry about that,” he said sincerely as he patted my back in a tender gesture.
“It didn’t work out the way I thought, but then life likes to throw us curves,” I said, laughing slightly.
Blake fiddle with his mug of beer on the bar, sliding it in the wet ring it had made.
“That’s one thing it never fails to do,” he said. “Luke said you went to Tahoe. Where’s Tahoe?”
“Lake Tahoe. It’s on the border of Nevada and California,” I said.
“Never been there.”
I suspected there were a lot of places he’d never been, his life was dictated by a rich man from New Orleans.
“It’s beautiful,” Luke chimed in. “Morgan’s thinking about moving there.”
“Whoa, Luke, moving is just talk right now,” I objected. “A tiny, tiny thought.”
“What’s there?” Blake asked.
“Besides a beautiful crystal clear lake, I have friends who live there. I graduated from college this summer. Not sure what I want to do now. Maybe it’s time for a new adventure,” I said.
“Running away from heartache is what it sounds to me,” Blake said.
“That too,” I admitted.
Ryan’s smiling face flashed into my mind. I had sat at this bar with him more than a few times, when things were good. “He misses you” I heard Mom say. I knew she would stay upset until I got back with her, and I realized I wasn’t being totally fair, she was a mother after all. She was trying to do what she thought was best for me.
“I need to go call my mom,” I said, my thoughts breaking through.
Blake looked at me confused, wondering where what I’d said had come from, and then looked at Luke.
“I’ll explain it to him,” Luke said. “Go call her.”
I went to the office in the back room and dialed my parents’ number. I looked at the clock on the desk: twelve eleven. I figured I would wake her, no doubt wake both of them.
“Hello,” she answered, her voice faint.
“Hey, Mom,” I whispered.
“I’m sorry,” she said, recognizing my voice.
“I know you are. I am too. Sorry I got so mad at you,” I said. “Did I wake you?”
“No, I haven’t slept well since you ran off so mad,” she answered her voice cracking.
“I’m sorry, I know you’re just trying to do the best for me,” I said, as I played with the telephone cord feeling badly that she hadn’t slept.
“Where are you?” she asked.
“I’m still at work. Luke and Blake are entertaining me,” I chuckled.
“Blake?” she asked.
“The yacht captain I dated a couple times,” I said.
She was silent a moment, no doubt trying to recall.
“Don’t go home with him because you’re mad at Ryan,” she said.
“Mom, I didn’t sleep with him when we dated. I’m not going to now. If I was going to sleep with anyone, it would be Tate,” I said.
“Tate?” she asked, confus
ed.
“The guy in Tahoe. I have to go. I didn’t want you fretting about me being mad at you, but I want it understood that I agreed to listen to Ryan, that’s it. I love you, Mom,” I said and hung up the phone.
When I came back to the bar, it had cleared out and it was just Luke and Blake chatting.
“How’s Mom?” Luke asked.
“Happy to hear I’m not ready to cut her head off anymore,” I teased.
“See,” he said.
Luke picked up Blake’s empty glass and filled it.
“It’s hard when she’s my mom and my friend. She’s lost her objectivity because she cares about Ryan.”
“Remind her gently that you have priority over Ryan,” Luke said.
Blake gave me a smirk.
“I know. It’s why you don’t fall in love,” I said sarcastically, climbing back up onto the stool next to him.
“Exactly,” Blake said.
“Exactly why I wouldn’t go to bed with you too,” I teased.
Luke laughed long and hard.
Chapter 44
I didn’t want to be waiting for Ryan to come home from New York, but I knew that I was. In between jobs, I spent a lot of time working out. Being at the gym at least worked off some of my stress. I started interviewing for random jobs, real jobs that would use my degree. Not clear on what I wanted to do, I thought it might help me decide. Mostly I missed my life, the one with Ryan.
I wasn’t completely shocked when he called me the night he got home from New York. He called from Mom’s house. It felt odd to think he’d confided in her and yet I didn’t know what that meant exactly. I wondered if he was talking about me specifically, or just things in general. I was trying to move on, not rehash the past.
“I had to get Bo,” he began. “I thought you might be here.”
I knew he would be coming by to get his dog. I had stayed away from Mom’s intentionally for that reason.
“No, I’m at home,” I said simply. “How was your trip?”
I wasn’t trying to be friendly; I just was trying not to be rude or angry.
“It was good to see the family, all the brothers, hang out. The weather was pretty good, not too humid.”
