Our Forever Promise

by Mary Wasowski

  Reese placed my hand in hers and led me out of the room. I easily followed her. I would do just about anything for Reese. She was right. I shouldn’t be doing pissing contests with her ex-husband. He wasn’t the only one that still had open wounds.

  AFTER FINALLY CALMING Riley down, she fell asleep beside my bed curled up on the recliner. Holding my hand in a tight grip, even in her sleep, she’s strong. My father unleashed his wrath on her because he was angry with me. I wish he hadn’t done that, but I knew deep down it was the calm before the storm. I should have never kept my worsening condition from him. Did I actually believe I could pull this off without him ever finding out? I was fooling myself into thinking I could.

  Now I laid here in this bed and waited for him to walk through my door…

  Ten minutes later, Riley’s father, Dr. Samuel Briggs, entered with my father and Reese following close behind. I nudged Riley awake, and she immediately sat up. I gave her a reassuring look that I’m okay and not to worry. She tightened her grasp on my hand and turned to greet the others.

  It’s showtime! All I could do was wait for my father’s reaction, but when my eyes found his, all I saw was pain and fear. His eyes were red and puffy, and he just looked beaten down. Reese was holding his hand and lovingly giving him support. He said nothing, just kept his eyes fixed on me. As tired as he appeared, I had never seen him this calm before. Like I said…calm before the storm.

  They all had taken a seat, and Dr. Briggs addressed me first.

  “How are you feeling, Jackson?” The obvious first question all doctors seem to ask.

  “I’m good.” With my father listening intently, I kept my answers short and to the point.

  “I have your test results here, but before I begin, I need to make you aware of a few things. First of all, you are of legal age, and it is solely up to you if you wish for the others to remain in here while I give you your results. Do you wish for them to stay?” he asked in his most professional manner. I heard no malice in his tone.

  My father didn’t even blink. His eyes remained focused on me.

  “Yes, Dr. Briggs, my family can stay.”

  “Very well. Okay, Jackson, let’s start from the beginning. I have spoken to Dr. O’Larien, who is on his way here to consult your case with me. Your last scan was done September 2013. All your images came back clean. It says here in his notes from April of this year that you suffered a grade ten migraine. Is this correct?”

  “Yes.”

  I looked toward my father. He knew now that I lied then and kept the severity of my headache from him. The first lie of many that I told.

  “You were prescribed the drug called Fioricet to take orally for any future migraines. Is this correct?”

  “Yes sir.”

  “This is a very strong medication. You should experience relief from your migraine within an hour of taking it. I see here you recently finished and filled another prescription for this medicine, Jackson. Like I said, this medicine is quite strong, and it could pose risks to your liver and lead to other stomach issues. Were you aware of these risks?”

  “Yes.”

  “Knowing this, you still frequently took it?”

  “Yes, I did. Dr. Briggs, I have never felt any side effects from taking my migraine medicine or my anti-seizure meds. I’m fine. It’s not as if I’m addicted to them. I take it because when my headaches are that bad, why suffer through the pain?”

  My father still remained silent. His silence was beginning to freak me out. Why isn’t he saying anything?

  Dr. Briggs continued interrogating me. “This is exactly my point, Jackson: ‘Why suffer through the pain?’ Is this what you have been doing? Medicine will only mask the real underlying issue, and it is only a temporary solution. The scans we performed on you today show what you probably already expect. You have an AVM. It is what we call a grade one malformation between arteries and veins, and it is approximately three centimeters in size. We consider that to be small, but of course it comes with risk. You can see here on your films that it is located right above your Occipital lobe, which controls your vision. I can only guess when your migraines are at a pain level of ten, you have experienced blurred vision and surrounding pain around your sinuses. Am I correct?”

  “Yes. It’s more on my right side.”

  “As I thought, but now you have confirmed it.”

  “Okay. Now the AVM is intact. You have no others in your entire brain. This is good news. We can approach this from several different angles. Let me assure you on one very important detail. This is treatable. Once I explain all of your options, we can choose the best line of defense for this AVM. Now, we can treat it with drug therapy and radiation. The radiation will slowly shrink the AVM to almost being undetectable. You have no bleeds at this time. My only concern is your high blood pressure at the time you were brought in to the ER. Now your readings could have been elevated because of the seizure you endured, but, Jackson, this wasn’t a seizure you are used to experiencing. This one debilitated you for more than the average five minutes or less. I chose to put you in a dream-like state at the time so your brain function could rest. The seizure you experienced could have made the AVM rupture, but because of its size, we were lucky that didn’t occur.”

  “Dr. Briggs, what are the other options?” I nervously asked him.

  “Surgery.”

  Riley gasped and her tears began to fall. She finally let go of my hand and rushed over to her mother, who comforted her. My father remained silent. It’s killing me to have him say nothing when all I expected from him was to flip out and be angry. I truly don’t know what is worse. We all take a minute with Dr. Briggs also consoling his daughter. For the first time since we have been here, I actually see Riley moving past her anger toward him and needing her father. Dr. Briggs kissed Riley on top of her head and came back over to continue speaking with me.

  “Jackson, as of right now you are stable. All your vitals are back in normal range. Your blood work came back clean. You are young and strong. I see no immediate danger with this AVM, and we can take the time to decide your best treatment plan.”

  “What if I want the surgery? Can it be done right away?”

  “Of course it can, but you must understand, it also comes with risk. This surgery requires going directly to the source, and in your case this AVM is located in a very intricate and delicate position. I would recommend performing a micro-surgical resection to remove the AVM. Once it is removed, it will not come back. We are very optimistic that once the AVM is removed, you will make a full recovery and can return to your normal routine. You will have to be monitored in the future, but it will be no different than what you do now. Like I said, you are young and that is working in your favor. The only risk to speak of is loss of peripheral vision either on your right side or both. Time will tell through your recovery post-surgery progress if that occurs.”

  “You mentioned the other risk. What is that?”

  “In case of a rupture, we would have to immediately operate on your brain to remove the bleed and prevent any other bleeds from occurring. As of right now, your scans present no immediate danger of that happening. I will also put you on a more proactive regimen for taking your prescribed medication. This will not be something you can just take when you feel the need, it will be regimented from here on out. Drug therapy only works when taken properly. You have time to think about this. I’m going to leave you with your family now to discuss it privately. I will be in my office to answer any additional questions you may have.”

  “Dr. Briggs, can I ask a question now?”

  “Of course, Jackson, what is it?”

  “If I decide on the surgery, can it be you who performs it?”

  From the minute the words spilled from my mouth, I watched two very different men react to my question. Dr. Briggs looked over at me, then to my father, who was breathing fire. Dr. Briggs took a breath and focused on me once again.

  “Jackson, you must understand this is a huge
conflict of interest here. I would recommend that Dr. O’Larien perform your surgery. He is more than qualified to do so.”

  “What if I want you? You are the best, Dr. Briggs. I want the surgery. You are my only choice to do it.”

  “Let’s just take some time, son. We can discuss it after you speak with your family.”

  He quietly stepped out of my room without saying another word. I looked over to my father, who remained silent. Reese let out a deep breath, as if she was holding it until Dr. Briggs was finished explaining his findings. I welcomed a warm hug from her. Pushing my hair away from my forehead, she kissed me and told me how happy she was that I was okay. I am not to scare her again. I simply just smiled at her. Richard patted my back.

  I wanted nothing more than to hold Riley and comfort her. I know seeing me here scared her, but it scared me too. She knew I needed time with my father. She kissed me and promised she would be back soon. They didn’t need to say any words. They all knew what was coming, and one by one exited my room. Reese was the last to go. She kissed my father and whispered something quietly in his ear. He nodded, and she winked at me as she left with the others.

  My father was combing his fingers through his hair and finally took a seat next to me. He said nothing but held my hand and placed his head on top of it. I could feel his warm breath on my skin. I knew he was trying to calm himself before speaking to me. He wasn’t the only one trying to keep it together. I was scared for his reaction. All I could do was guess until he actually began to use his voice. I broke first.

  “Dad, please say something. I can’t take it anymore. You need to talk to me. Yell at me. Throw a chair. Do something! Do anything, but no more silence. I would rather be screamed at than to sit here in this bed and face your silence for another minute. Please, dad, talk to me?”

  His grip tightened on my hand, and now I knew what was coming next.

  “Why, Jackson?”

  The two words I knew he would say. These two words hold so much pain and disappointment behind them. I knew he wanted my answer, but what could I actually say that wouldn’t hurt him anymore than I already have. My father always demanded honesty from me, and I never kept anything from him, until now. I felt sickened by the lies that I told. I convinced myself that I was actually doing something good by keeping him in the dark, but I was wrong, so very wrong. My actions have cost him, hurt him, and it was completely my fault.

  HOW DID I get here? How did we get here? I’m sitting beside my son who is in a hospital being treated for the same thing that killed his mother. I am using every single disciplined tactic to regain control over my rapid breathing. To be here in this moment with Jackson is resurrecting all the memories that bring me back to the night I lost Elizabeth.

  I stood watching my beautiful boy just look back at me with his glazed over eyes. His tears were threatening to spill over and down on to his face. I heard nothing but our two heartbeats and the sound of the machine controlling the medicine he was being given. His chest was rising and falling with every breath. I wanted to take him in my arms and just hold him, but I was afraid to. I never felt this way in all of my life, not even on the night Elizabeth died. To witness your child in this state was heartwrenching on a parent’s soul. It is an indescribable pain that no parent should ever have to feel. It is the fear of losing him or her with no power to prevent it. It is the unknown fear that every parent possesses, but keeps their fear hidden quietly away from their child.

  “I’m sorry, dad.”

  He blinked back his tears as he said it. I could barely hear my son’s words above the whispering tone he used.

  Swallowing hard before I answered him. I brought his hand to my lips and placed a chaste kiss on it. Closing my eyes, I asked him.

  “Sorry for what, son? What exactly are you sorry for?”

  “Dad. I…”

  “How long, Jackson? How long have you been lying to me about your headaches? Why, son? I just don’t understand.”

  “You know why. I’m so unbelievably sorry, dad. I can’t even begin to explain how sorry I am for hurting you. I swear I thought I had a better handle on it.”

  “If that were true, you wouldn’t be lying here in this bed right now, would you, son? After all the conversations we had about honesty, especially when it came to your health, you completely disregard my feelings and keep the one thing I asked you never to do. This is what I need to know and understand. Did you think of me at all? What it would have done to me to lose you without ever knowing why? How could you be so selfish? I’ve raised you better than this. In all the time I have had the honor of being your father, I am so hurt and disappointed in you right now. You have irrevocably broken my trust. I feel sick to my core that I feel this way, let alone saying the words to you. I’m your father. The one and only, who always has your back. How could you not trust me enough to come to me with this? I love you so much, son. To lose you would destroy me. I know I can say without question, I would not survive it.”

  I continued, “I would move heaven and earth for you, Jackson. You are my child. It doesn’t matter how old you are. That promise of love and protection never ends. I will always put you first, above anything else. This is what parents do for their children.”

  “That’s just it, dad. For once, I was putting you first. I can say this over and over again, and I know you won’t believe me, but I am truly sorry. I never meant to lie or hurt you.”

  “Then why, Jackson? You never meant to hurt me? But you did! You, my son, hurt me in the most unimaginable way…You lied! Not just any fucking lie, but the one omission that would destroy me. I could take just about anything, but not this.

  “I was protecting you, dad.”

  “Protecting me? From what? What are you not saying? For God sakes! Don’t lie to me now.”

  “Pain, dad. From Pain! The look that you have in your eyes right now is what I was trying to protect you from ever having. I love you, dad, and I will say it again and again. It was to protect you, not hurt you. You already lost mom, and I didn’t want you to be afraid to lose me. I may have not known her, but I love her just the same. She gave me life, and lost her own. How can I not understand what you went through? I lived it with you from the minute I was born. I’m still living it, dad. It’s like the song that is constantly on repeat mode. From you, to the grandparents, to all who knew and loved mom: You all treat me like I’m made of glass. I am not fragile! I’m a man! I deserve to be treated like one, and not this helpless little thing that could break at any moment.

  Jackson went on, “We’re in the building that you designed and built for her. Sometimes I feel that I will never escape her tragic story…my fucking story. I want to write a new chapter in my story, dad. One that includes me marrying Riley. She’s it for me, dad. She’s mine, and I’m hers. I’m going to marry Riley Taylor Briggs under our tree in Big Sur, the same tree we carved our names in. I want babies with her. I can’t wait to see her pregnant with my child. I want a career making movies. The wish list is very long dad, but I am determined to check off every wish one by one. You may think I’m way too young to even be entertaining all of these dreams, but I’m not. Age is just a number, and no one can tell me what I have in my heart and what I believe in.”

  “Do you want to know what I want most, dad?” Jackson continued, “What I have always wanted? My wish is for you to be happy, to finally be free from your past. Free from the sad memories…just free. That’s my story. All I was trying to do was change the outcome of what happened to mom, and not let that happen to me. You think I don’t know or understand the potential dangers of having history repeat itself? Like I said, I’ve played the starring role in this story all of my life.”

  My son went on, “I know you’re upset because I lied, but dad, please try to see this from my point of view. It’s the love I have for you that drove me to make the decisions I made. Call it selfish, call it anything you want, but it is the truth. And before you ask, every single day that I continued to lie, it
ate me up inside. Even knowing that my secrets and lies of omission have led us here, I don’t regret them. You’ve been through enough. I didn’t want to be the one to cause you anymore sadness, especially when you are the happiest I have ever seen you. I need something from you, dad, more than anything I have ever asked for.”

  “Anything, son, you know this.”

  “Please, dad, I need your forgiveness just in case…”

  That was it. My breaking point with Jackson. As much as I was fearful of losing him, he was fearful of losing me. Carefully and avoiding his I.V., I took him in my arms, and we cried together. As father and son, we never experienced this kind of connection until now. We were both clinging to each other for comfort.

  “Shhh,” I said to him. “Stop it, and stop it right now. I don’t ever want to hear you ever say anything like that again.”

  Taking my son’s face in my hands, I kissed the top of his head and looked directly into his beautiful eyes that matched his mother’s.

  “You are a Reed. Reeds are like no other. You are strong in mind and body. You will beat this. As your father, I promise to never leave your side. We will get through this like we do everything else in our life, together as a family. We are not alone anymore. Our family is growing, and you have a little sister on the way that will need you too.”

  “What did you say?”

  “I don’t mind repeating it, son. I said you have a sister on the way. Reese is pregnant and it’s a girl. This news was meant to be a surprise for you and Riley, and this is why we made the trip out here.”

  “That’s amazing news. I can’t believe I’m going to be a big brother!” His happy smile soon faded, and I quickly squashed it.

  “Jackson, look at me son. You are going to be here to see her be born. No more talk of ‘what if’ scenarios. I’m here, and we will get through this. We have people that love us so much. We will lean on each other for support. I promise to give you respect and put your feelings first. We have been a team for a long time now, remember?”