by Zack Love
“Everyone makes some major mistakes. My penis injury is a testament to that fact.”
“But that’s my point, mates. I still slept with Charlene after I discovered the mistake.”
Narc and Evan looked blankly at their friend, trying to understand the full import of what he just said.
“You see, the Charlene incident made me realize who I really am…And that, by itself, was hard enough to deal with…There was no bloody way I was going to explain to the two of you that I’m actually drawn towards men…”
Narc and Evan just sat at the dining table, speechless.
“I guess coming here was an escape from all of the social consequences of realizing who I am… I just didn’t want to face the fact that my friends might no longer accept me…It was just easier to come here and meditate about the world and nature.”
There was some more silence, and then Narc finally spoke.
“Are you sure that you’re…that you’re a homosexual?”
Trevor solemnly nodded his head. “Believe me Narc, I’ve had lots of time to think about it here.”
An awkward silence returned.
Narc finally spoke again.
“Well, the gay scene in New York City is a lot better than this little house on the prairie,” Narc added with a playful grin.
Trevor smiled a bit at the joke. “But, Narc, ironically enough, that’s exactly what I find so unsettling about going back to the city…All of my friends are straight, and there’s this whole gay community and gay culture in the city that I know bugger all about.”
“Well, who says you have to change circles like that, yo?”
“Well, I just assumed that…well…that….”
“That what?” Narc replied. “Evan and I came to bring you back...Gay or straight.”
“Really?” Trevor asked, surprised and relieved.
“I mean, don’t think that this shit didn’t catch me by surprise, or that I’m not buggin’ out about it a little right now…But whateva, yo…We’re forming a posse, and we want you in it…”
“Do you really mean that?” Trevor asked, in disbelief.
“We do,” Evan chimed in, now that he was finally sure how he felt about the whole thing.
And with that, Evan and Narc began lobbying Trevor to join their posse.
After a few hours, they finally persuaded him to return to New York City and join their group, at which point the discussion turned to practical problems.
“Not to worry about the blatant, but what will I do in the way of employment now?” Trevor asked. “If I’m just going to be sitting about on my bum, I might as well stay here.”
“That’s exactly the danger I was beginning to worry about,” Evan replied. “You could forget how to deal with the real world. Finding jobs, dating women – I mean, men. You know what I mean: taking care of business. But you’ll be fine. I’ve been talking to someone at the UN Development Program for you. A friend of a friend. The position you were interested in was taken, but there’s another one that opened up. And I can get you an interview.”
“Really?!” Trevor’s face lightened up. “That’s brilliant!”
“Yeah, we’ll just have to make some shit up about what you’ve been doin’ for the last eight months,” Narc added. “But it’s all good. We’ll figure somethin’ out.”
“And what about my flat? I’ve already sublet it for another six months.”
“You can stay with me until you find a sublet,” Narc replied. “Just don’t start touchin’ me while I’m sleepin’ and shit.”
“Don’t worry, mate…You should know that I think of you only as a brother.”
“I know…But I just had to say that…I mean, it’s definitely a little strange for me…But it’s all good, yo…There’s a first for everything…You’re still ma’ main man….We’ll just need to find you an extra large futon for your stay.”
“Thanks for being such great friends,” he replied. He reached across the table, offering his hands in thanks, and Evan and Narc reached across and clasped his hands for a moment.
“Hey, are you gonna to try to get back together with Charlene?” Narc asked.
“Not a chance. Not after the sex operation.”
“Sex operation?” Evan asked.
“She sent a letter and some pictures to my address, and the guy subletting from me forwarded it here.”
“So no transgender types for you?” Narc asked.
“No. I’m interested only in men who want to continue being men.”
“But you’re still cool with joining our posse, right? Even if we’re chasing women? I mean, you can chase men all the same…We’ll help each other out…”
Still not sure about how easily he could be integrated into their posse, Trevor smiled in delighted relief at how tolerantly two of his close friends had received his new identity.
“So you’re in?” Evan asked.
“Yes, I suppose I am,” Trevor said, in wry resignation. After a moment’s hesitation he added, “But I would really rather not tell the rest of your posse about what happened with Charlene.”
“There are no secrets in the posse,” Evan replied. “Besides, what happened to Heeb and me is arguably just as bad, if not worse. You just really discovered what you should be doing with your penis. But we practically lost ours…And now you know all the ridiculous details. So Heeb should get to hear your story too. It’s only fair.”
“And my story with that fucked up partner Edward ain’t exactly somethin’ I’m telling everyone I meet. Or the fact that I’m going into porn.”
“I still can’t believe that you’re really doing that!” Trevor remarked.
“Evan is dyin’ to join me. He just won’t admit it.”
Evan rolled his eyes in amused denial.
“And you’ll be doin’ gay porn before you know it!” Narc continued.
“Purity, Narc. Purity.”
“Sin, Trevor. Sin.”
“Balance,” Evan interjected, as if to resolve the dispute. “Balance.”
Chapter 26
The Posse Goes on the Prowl
The unlikely group that resulted from the union of five diverse characters in their late twenties operated with surprising harmony. This cohesiveness could be attributed to two factors: 1) everyone’s issues and embarrassing pasts were plainly disclosed prior to the gang’s formation and 2) the clan had been expressly conceived as a male support group. Carlos’s unusual charm and good looks ensured his quick and easy acceptance by Narc and Evan; Trevor and Carlos hit it off particularly well, given their shared interest in Buddhism, good style, and vegetarianism. Heeb and Trevor got along naturally thanks to their shared love of irony. Heeb particularly appreciated Trevor’s British style and articulate intelligence, and his gentle and accepting manner; he was also sensitive to Trevor’s potentially awkward and lonely status as the only homosexual in the group. Narc and Heeb were perhaps the only mismatched pair in the posse, but any impulse Narc might have had to reject Heeb for his lack of looks or athletic inclinations was overridden by his knowledge of how close Carlos and Evan were with Heeb. Similarly, any tendency Heeb might have had to dismiss Narc’s porn star decision, his continuing NBA fantasies, his occasional ghetto talk, and his narcissistic obsession with fashionable clothing and looking good, was checked by his awareness of Narc’s close friendship with Trevor and Evan. After some initial adjustments, Narc and Heeb eventually embraced each other as friends and equally important members of the group.
The posse was a collection of handsome single males over six feet tall (except for Heeb’s looks/height and Carlos’s married status). They each belonged to some ethnic minority: Mexican, African, Jewish, Asian and Czech (Evan now proudly identified himself as Czech). Walking down the street or waiting on a subway platform together, they easily drew attention as a group, thanks to their intriguing and attractive diversity and their collective stature (capped by the Tower).
It was also a group of highly intelligent and pr
ofessionally diverse young men: a software developer turned novelist, a top actuary for a large insurance company, the president of a real estate development company, a corporate lawyer turned porn star, and a corporate lawyer turned project finance associate for the African development program at the UN (Trevor got the job). Carlos and Heeb were the busiest members of the posse. Those with the most time were Evan, who could freely determine the intensity of his novel-writing, and Narc, whose film production schedule occupied no more than a few days each week, for a few weeks at a time, followed by several weeks of no work.
Despite his newly embraced homosexual identity, Trevor felt surprisingly at home in the otherwise heterosexual posse, if only because such a group felt far more familiar to him than any gay group would have felt at that time. While Trevor secretly admired Carlos, he accepted that the Latin hunk was married and – in any case – “straight as a ten dollar bill,” as Carlos once jokingly described himself to a burly gay man who had hit on him in front of Trevor. Ultimately, the benefits of the posse still outweighed the costs, as far as Trevor was concerned. While he occasionally felt awkward in the group, it afforded him the company of smart, good-looking men whose collective presence attracted the interest of homosexuals whom Trevor could then very naturally approach without any competition and lots of moral support. The other members of the posse also felt occasionally awkward about Trevor, but they too concluded that the gang was better off with him as a member, because he added a rather interesting look, sound, and feel to the whole group. Above all, women were still very intrigued by him – particularly when they learned that he was gay – and, for this reason alone, everyone believed that he was an essential member of the clan.
Because Carlos had the most to lose from his membership in the posse, it convened entirely according to when his wife was supposed to be out of town or unavailable for several hours. On a few occasions, a planned posse prowl was cancelled or continued without Carlos because Carolina’s meeting ended sooner than expected or her plans changed and she wanted to see Carlos. This flexible arrangement, which was fully understood and accepted by the others, prevented Carolina from realizing that her husband regularly joined a band of single men on the hunt. Carlos felt some guilt about joining such a group and then hiding it all from Carolina, but he rationalized these actions as a subtle protest against her insistence on having children. When he went out with the posse, he forgot his marital issues and just enjoyed the fleeting freedom of feeling single again. Nevertheless, Carlos always left his marriage ring on, which generally had the paradoxical effect of making women want him even more.
One concrete indication that Evan and Heeb had successfully assembled a fraternal team to take on the city collectively was the fact that, after just a few occasions out together, a shared vocabulary had already begun to emerge within the gang. The combination of Trevor’s British expressions, Narc’s hip-hop talk, and Heeb’s inventive witticisms ensured that a rich and eclectic new language accompanied the posse’s evolution.
Trevor began frequently employing the term “gaydar,” which was already in fairly common use in Manhattan. He also innovated a derivation of this word for Heeb’s marital mission: “Jewdar.” In reality, Carlos had the best gaydar (perhaps because homosexuals always noticed him), and Evan’s Jewdar was almost as accurate as Heeb’s (because, according to Heeb’s explanation, Evan had grown up in Manhattan).
Heeb introduced the first two terms to be unanimously adopted by the group: “SQ” and “Kojak” (including its variations, “Kojaking” and “Kojakness”). He also popularized the concept of flying different classes of airline service as a way to describe the kind of woman (or man, in Trevor’s case) one could realistically approach. Heeb always flew coach, Carlos always flew first class, and everyone else flew in business class, unless an exceptionally good hair day was involved. Related concepts were “trying to upgrade without enough miles” and “insufficient mileage” – applicable to any posse member who was hitting on someone out of his league.
Narc popularized the term “Whiplash Libby”[9]
“No good, yo. Waving the hand like that means she’s got BF, and you should keep moving.”
“BF? What’s BF? Body Foulness?” Heeb’s guess was based on the hand gesture. Narc shook his head.
“BF is the opposite of FB.
“So what’s an FB?”
“A fuck buddy,” explained Narc, who seemed a tad amused that Heeb didn’t know.
“Oh I see. So BF would be a boyfriend.”
“Word; a BF is really just an FB, but with obligations and restrictions.”
“That’s BS.”
“What is?”
“The fact that the order of the letters makes such a huge difference.”
“I guess,” Narc conceded in amusement.
“But it gets worse. Look at God, live, star, and stun. If you spell those words backwards you get dog, evil, rats, and nuts.”
Narc looked at Heeb as if he were from another planet.
“Sorry. Didn’t mean to be a nerdy SOB who elaborates on linguistic BS in the middle of a club called SOB,” Heeb added delightfully.
“Naw, you’re just bein’ a CB right now,” Narc replied.
“What’s that?”
“A Cock Blocker.”
“A Cock Blocker?” Heeb asked, somewhat confused.
“You know, from that Kool G rap song?”
“Oh, because we should be focused on ladies rather than linguistics.”
“Word.”
“Well, getting back to the ladies, I’m very bummed that that TH has a BF.”
“What’s a TH?”
“A Traffic Hazard,” Heeb clarified.
“Oh you mean because the woman is so hot she’ll take your eyes off the road?” Narc confirmed.
“Exactly.”
“She’s definitely a TH – a TH with a BF. But that’s why we’re in a club, Heeb. So you can keep on moving when that happens.”
“I hear you. But she was the one for tonight, I think.”
“Well – I don’t recommend this – but if you’re really feelin’ her, I could try to get friendly with her man and pull a legit CB. You know, get him away from his lady long enough for you to get her digits.”
“No. I can’t do that,” Heeb protested.
“Why not? It’s doable if your game is good.”
“No, it’s against my ethics – like hitting on married women…That’s being a home wrecker. And I’m a firm believer in home improvement.”
“True ‘dat. And home wrecking can get her man vexed,” Narc observed.
“Yes. Collapsing homes can cause severe bodily harm to those in the immediate vicinity.”
Heeb and Evan benefited differently from the posse. For Heeb, the group was the largest circle of reliable, good-looking, and “cool” male friends he had ever had, and consequently provided a tremendous boon to his badly damaged male ego. For Evan, who had enjoyed male packs of almost comparable size and quality in many prior years, the posse provided more literary inspiration than SQ elevation. While Evan was, in spirit, every bit a member of the posse as the others, his heart remained reserved for Delilah Nakova, no matter how much he tried to tell himself and others that he was “free to see other people.”
Although Evan never missed a posse adventure and always contributed whatever charm and risk-taking the night called for on his part, he increasingly viewed everything that happened and everyone they met as potential fodder for the novel that would unite him and his love. One time, Trevor confronted him about the issue after he caught him jotting something down immediately after Trevor had answered his question.
“What are you always writing there, mate?”
“It’s for my novel.”
“You’re not nicking my words are you?”
“Just noting the noteworthy.”
“I’ve got to be careful what I say around you.”
“Afraid of the unflattering exposure, are you?”
<
br /> “You know, you really should give people their Miranda rights when they first meet you so that they have fair notice. Something like, ‘You have the right to remain silent or walk away. Anything you say or do may appear in my novel.”
“Do you mind if I quote that joke in my novel?” Evan asked.
Trevor rolled his eyes and shook his head in amusement.
And so the other posse members came to expect that Evan would always be documenting their time together. His ever-present pen and paper also provided pretexts for various openers by him, and sometimes even by forward females wondering what he was writing. This advantage, as far as the other members were concerned, was enough to justify whatever oddity the posse stenographer represented.
Chapter 27
Sex in the Title
By late January 2001, the clan had been out seven times together (although they celebrated New Year’s without Carlos, who was with Carolina), and Evan had finally finished the novel that was entirely designed and destined for Delilah. As he was printing out the first draft, he called Heeb and put his cordless phone near the noise made by his printer.
“You hear that?” Evan asked. “That’s the sound of completion, my friend!”
“That’s great, Evan. But do you have a good title yet?”
“Would you stop carping about the title? It’s the body that counts. That’s where the sleep is lost, the hair is pulled, the sardine dinners are eaten, and the schizophrenia is developed.”
“You’re definitely right about the schizophrenia part.”
“Are you dismissing the five hour discussion I had last night?”
“With whom?”
“The two main characters in my novel.”
“Yeah, yeah. Very funny. So did you come up with a title for it? Preferably with the word sex?”
“Delilah’s too sophisticated to like a novel just because it has the word ‘Sex’ in the title.”
“You’re making a huge mistake, Evan. Trust me on this.”
“I can’t believe you’re serious about this.” Evan began to pace around his apartment restlessly. He was in the mood to celebrate wildly and receive enthusiastic congratulations but was encountering stiff resistance from his good friend over trivial details.
