There was no way to stop it. The tears rolled down his cheeks. Thinking about his mother and little Nadine made the pain of losing Aaron even sharper. Even if he hadn’t known the beautiful man for very long, there was something about him that beckoned to Sam. The short time they’d spent talking, finally talking for the first time, Sam had believed even stronger than before that he should be with Aaron. The way Aaron had spoken about giving up control to another person had shocked Sam at first, but as he’d contemplated it, there was something so right about it that Sam had immediately pictured giving himself to Aaron.
But he didn’t want me.
There was so much about the world and people that Sam didn’t understand. His father had only allowed Sam to have the information that he parceled out. If it didn’t fit in with his agenda, Sam didn’t need to know about it. It had only added to Sam’s insecurities and belief that there was something wrong with him. Through his mother’s encouragement and his own determination, Sam had set out on his own. He’d been so angry with his father at the end before he left, that he’d sworn to himself he would find other people like him—Sam would prove that his father was wrong. He was a normal man.
* * * *
“Ahh, yes.” Saul licked his lips and closed his eyes before opening them again and regarding Aaron. “I’ve needed that spot of gin all day. Now, where were we? Of course, the towel boy. What in heaven’s name is going on with you and him?”
They’d arrived early enough before the typically boisterous speakeasy was in full swing. The jazz band was still setting up and only a handful of tables were filled. Aaron and Saul sat perched on a couple of stools at the large mahogany bar at one end of the room. Aaron thought he’d heard a story about the grand Victorian piece being rescued from a hotel prior to the beginning of Prohibition.
“There’s nothing going on with him, which is as it should be.”
“Oh? If you were so certain of that, then you wouldn’t have asked me to come here with you before heading straight to the club.”
Bastard.
“Is it that you think you’re too old for him?” Saul raised one eyebrow.
Aaron latched onto that. “Yes. Much too old. He obviously has a case of puppy love.”
“I see.” Saul appeared even more intrigued, narrowing his eyes and leaning forward as if a grand revelation had just occurred.
“What?”
“It’s been quite obvious from the first that he’s taken a shine to you. I know you don’t typically engage young men, but maybe you should reconsider when there is such a lovely one begging for your attentions?”
Aaron groaned, resisting the urge to run a hand through his freshly greased hair. “That’s just it Saul. He would have no idea what he was begging for. He’s unspoiled and would likely be terrified if he knew what my abnormal tendencies are. There’s no point in corrupting him.”
There was a strong choking sound and Aaron turned to Saul with concern. He patted him on the back heartily as Saul continued to sputter and cough.
“Are you all right?”
Saul slammed his empty glass down then wiped his chin. The anger in his eyes was clear and Aaron realized that it was directed at him. After giving Aaron one more irritated glare, he signaled to the bartender for another drink.
“I don’t understand, Saul. What did I say?”
“I do believe I’ve just had an epiphany as to why you become so moody all the time.”
“Oh?” Aaron’s own irritation was growing. “And why is that?”
Saul leaned in again. “Didn’t you hear what you just said? You declared yourself to be abnormal. You talked of corrupting this young man by teaching him our way of life. Nothing was mentioned of the possibility of freeing him, guiding him. Or showing him the power he could achieve through submission. Nothing was said about loving him.” Saul snorted then took a healthy swallow of his newly poured gin before setting the glass down. He steeled his gaze before speaking again. “I take it that you believe me to be abnormal as well?”
“No! I… No, Saul. God no.”
Aaron lowered his head, frowning, awash with a confounding mixture of emotions. He looked up to Saul, had a lot of respect for him. He’d witnessed several times where Saul had helped people out, gone out his way for others who didn’t always repay the kindness. They’d met years back the first time Aaron had come to Los Angeles and Saul had always welcomed him as though they were the best of friends, whenever Aaron had been in town. And here he’d gone and insulted the man.
Saul laid his hand gently on Aaron’s arm.
“Is that what troubles you? That there’s something inherently wrong with you because of your deep-seated desires?”
Aaron placed his head in his hand, his elbow propped up on the bar. “So many times over the years…it’s… When I hire men for my pleasure and I want to tie them up or beat them, so many have called me filth, degenerate, freak. Even those who love men as we do.”
Saul shook his head, sighing. “I still don’t understand why you hire men to give you what so many would offer freely. Stay off the streets when you seek a partner. Come to the club instead. Surround yourself with those who understand the needs we were born with. There’s nothing abnormal about them.”
Aaron considered his friend’s words. “I suppose it’s simpler if I pay someone to give me what I want. It’s not as if I would ever find a permanent companion either way.”
Saul chuckled and Aaron couldn’t understand what he thought was so damn funny.
“And why is that? Because it hasn’t happened before, therefore it never can?”
Saul’s words made him uncomfortable to the point where he fidgeted in his seat as if he were the epitome of a very naughty submissive.
“No.” He pursed his lips. “I don’t know. Maybe.”
“Let’s go back to the original topic, shall we? How does the towel boy figure into all of this?”
“Sam. His name is Sam.”
“And?”
“It’s pointless, Saul. I had hoped you would talk some sense into me tonight by telling me that it was best if I left him alone. That you would tell me he’s too young, too innocent and that I’ll only get my heart broken.”
Saul knocked back the rest of his drink. “I see. I hate to disappoint you, but I’m not going to tell you any such thing.” Cracking his knuckles as if he were about to tackle a big job, Saul then folded his hands on the counter of the bar. “The boy is clearly over the moon about you. You’re obviously smitten with him, so we’ve established those two facts. His age? I don’t see the issue. His inexperience? Could be an issue, but you won’t know until you open yourself up to him—until you risk that someone who you aren’t paying and who you genuinely want might reject you, call you a deviant or any of those other names. Because then it would hurt even more than it does when the other person doesn’t matter to you.”
“Shit.”
Aaron had muttered it to himself, but Saul had apparently heard anyway.
“Yes, old sport. It is shit sometimes. But ‘tis the way of life.” He chuckled heartily and slapped his knee as if something had suddenly occurred to him. “Oh dear. I should have you speak with Vincent. Your situation reminds me of something similar he went through several months back.”
“Isn’t that your friend who runs Global Studios?”
“Did run. He recently resigned.”
“Oh? I hope there wasn’t any trouble?”
“Only the type of trouble he’s needed for years. He gave up the stress and long hours at the studio in order to spend more time with his submissive lover. The submissive who had never heard of such a thing as sadism and masochism before. Knew nothing of bondage or submission. And who also happens to be almost twenty years younger than Vincent. They’re making plans to move up north right now to be together all the time. Never have I seen two people so devoted and in love. Juan would perish without the guidance of Vincent and Vincent would never survive the loss of Juan.”
&
nbsp; Aaron had sucked in a harsh breath as Saul had explained Vincent’s situation. It was eerily similar. But what had really resonated with him was how much his own fear had kept him from embracing his true nature and taking the chance that he could find genuine love by opening himself up to the possibility of failure. How terrified Vincent must have been. He was sure of it, because he was positively terrified himself.
Saul had watched him with interest as he’d mulled over what his friend had said.
“Let me ask you something. Who’s taking care of your boy right now? Is he safe? Happy? What if he meets another man tomorrow—one who’s not as concerned as you are with his well-being? What if that man takes his innocence then casts him aside?”
Fury rose in Aaron, his face heating as he smashed his fist on the bar. “That won’t happen.” Beads of sweat had broken out on his forehead, his upper lip. Anxiety ate at his gut. “Goddamn you, Saul.”
“Puts it all in perspective, eh, old sport?”
“Saul, I need to—”
“I’ll get a cab.”
“I’m sorry…”
“Don’t apologize to me. Save it for that sweet thing you abandoned.”
Aaron quirked the corner of his mouth. “Bastard.”
Saul gave a half-hearted shrug. “So I’ve been told. Once you have him trained properly, I expect to see you showing him off at the club.”
Aaron stood then gathered his suit coat. “Oh, really?” He placed a hand on Saul’s shoulder. “Thank you.”
“Any time, old sport. Now go take care of your boy.”
Chapter Five
It was impossible for Sam to sleep, despite being exhausted. Drained. The whole day had been upsetting and stressful. There’d been moments of happiness and hope, but that had all been destroyed as soon as Aaron had walked out the door—walked out of his life. Another hot tear spilled down his cheek, landing on the pillow. The case was still damp from the many that had fallen before.
A sound at the door caused him to tense.
Someone’s breaking in!
His heart thumped wildly, his mouth going dry as he held his breath in fear. Maybe if he lay very still, they wouldn’t notice him. They would take the ten dollars he’d left on the table and go away. He squeezed his eyes shut as if that could protect him from being seen. From where he lay on his side he wouldn’t be able to see what was going on anyway.
He’d thought he’d heard the click of the key in the lock before the door opened. There were some shuffling noises behind him. Then he felt the covers lift and the mattress dip as he gasped in shock, ready to cry out.
“Shh, little Sam. It’s me.”
He was instantly gathered into Aaron’s embrace, the powerful man wrapping his body around Sam’s back, tucking him closer by draping one long leg across Sam’s limbs. Sam clutched at his arms, his tears beginning anew.
“There now, shh. I’ve got you. I’m not leaving again.”
“T-thank you.” His breath hitched on a sob. “Thank you for coming back.”
The press of a kiss against his head caused him to sigh and lean back to nuzzle Aaron.
“Go to sleep now, little Sam.”
“Okay, Aaron.”
“Good boy.”
He was enveloped in Aaron’s strength, his heat. His scent was clean and masculine. It called to Sam the way everything else about Aaron did—with the promise of paradise. Being so close to Aaron made his organ hard, made him wish Aaron would touch it. But simply being held in the comfort of Aaron’s arms while they lay together was better than anything that had ever happened to him before, so he was grateful and did as Aaron had told him. He went to sleep.
* * * *
Some muffled voices and rattling woke him up. It took a moment for him to realize where he was. Then he remembered the hotel and figured it must have been other guests and that maybe the room service cart had also been rolling by. He was very hot and couldn’t move.
Aaron.
His beautiful man had come back for him and had held him all night. It was a miracle and he was filled with joy. Then he noticed something else. There was something hard pressed to his ass. He wriggled against it but froze when he understood what it was.
“Oh!”
Aaron stirred then tightened his arms around him.
“Good morning, little Sam.”
“Good morning.” He was back to chewing again, but it couldn’t be helped. There was too much happening. “Are you going to fuck me now?”
Aaron made a snorting sound, almost as if he were trying not to laugh. “No Sam. I’m not going to fuck you now.”
“Don’t you want to fuck me?”
“Oh dear Lord.”
Aaron unwrapped himself from Sam and for a moment, Sam thought he might leave again.
“Are you going?” He hadn’t been able to prevent the edge of desperation in his voice.
Already out of bed and standing, Aaron peered down at Sam.
“What did I tell you last night?”
Sam’s cheeks heated. “That you weren’t leaving.”
“Do you trust me?”
“Yes.” His voice had been very small.
“Good.”
He stroked Sam’s head a few times. Aaron had taken on the soothing tone that he’d used the day before when Sam had fainted. He loved it when Aaron talked like that.
“You won’t ever have to worry about me leaving. It’s me that’s more worried about you staying, but we’ll talk about all of that later on today.”
“I’ll always stay with you. I told you that yesterday too.”
Aaron arched his eyebrows as if in surprise. “I like hearing that conviction in your voice, the surety. But we have much to discuss before you can say that for sure.”
Sam squirmed, frustrated by the way Aaron spoke to him.
“I also told you that I’m an adult. I know what I mean, how I feel.” He’d shocked himself with his forceful tone.
There was that twinkle in Aaron’s eye as he kept an even expression. “Of course you are. I’m not bringing that into question. But you’re going to learn a lot about me today, little Sam—things you know nothing of. In addition, I will demand complete obedience to me in exchange for assuming all of your care, both emotional and physical. You will be mine. We will go into the specifics of what that means later on as well.”
“Is that the control thing you told me about?”
“Yes, it is.”
“But you’re still going to fuck me, right?”
He’d never said that word before—let alone several times in a row—but since it seemed as though the men in Hollywood used it a lot, he thought it might make him seem more grown up. Aaron held the back of his hand against his lips, his eyes crinkling. At last he let his hand fall away and he took a deep breath.
“Don’t fret, little Sam. You will be fucked. But I won’t promise it will happen today. I need to find out more about my sweet boy first.”
Sam grinned, his face flushed only from happiness, not from embarrassment. Aaron wanted him, had said he was his. He still wasn’t completely sure what the whole thing about fucking was as he’d only heard about boys doing it with girls. Since he didn’t have the hole that babies came out of, he would have to wait and ask Aaron if what Louis had said was true. When Louis had told Sam that men used other men’s backside for that, it had seemed very strange. But he trusted Aaron, and Aaron would tell him the truth.
Aaron smiled back at him and Sam couldn’t help himself. He jumped from the bed then ran over to him, throwing himself into Aaron’s arms.
“Ah, sweet little Sam. Let’s get showered and dressed, then we can get some breakfast before I take you home.”
Sam looked up from where he’d had his face buried in the dark curls on Aaron’s bare chest.
“Home?” He held his breath in anticipation.
Gazing down on him with a warm smile, Aaron stroked his head again.
“Yes. Home.”
* * * *
>
They’d had a wonderful breakfast at a place called the Pig ’n Whistle in Hollywood. Then Aaron had stopped at a little market near where he lived and they’d picked up some cheeses, fruits and bread for later. Aaron had also bought him a cream soda. He’d told Sam they‘d always been his favorite and thought he might like to try one. His father had been very strict about sweets and modern nonsense that came packaged in bottles or cans.
When Sam really thought about it, his father had been very strict overall. Sam blamed the man for keeping him in the dark about so many things in life. If Sam had been given more freedom or guidance about the real world, he might seem less naïve and silly to Aaron—more like the adult he was in age.
By the time they’d reached Aaron’s home, Sam had been so excited he hadn’t been able to sit still. He’d even chewed on his lip again. Aaron’s gentle clasp on his arm as they’d driven had made Sam stop immediately.
Sam sat on the long, black velvet sofa in the main living area of Aaron’s home. The floors were made of wood and there were several Persian rugs scattered about. Other dark wood furniture, ornate and elegant, filled the room. There was one large Areca palm tree in a beautiful ceramic pot decorated in an Oriental floral design that sat in the corner. Sam had always wanted one, but his father had never let him. Every plant that he’d had in his greenhouse he’d had to find locally.
Aaron re-entered the room, wearing nothing but a satiny looking robe, his legs peeking out as he moved gracefully toward him. The garment was embroidered with dragons and other fanciful designs. His mother had one like it that his father had picked up for her from Chinatown on one of his many trips into downtown San Francisco. Sam had stared at Aaron’s body all morning back at the hotel, but other than hugs, there’d been no touching--not even when both of their organs had become hard. Sam hoped that if nothing else, they would at least do what he’d dreamed about from before.
I’d rather we touch each other’s parts instead.
“Here’s your soda, Sam.”
Hesitant Heart Page 5
