Kellie's Diary: Decay of Innocence

by Thomas Jenner

  I’m so tired, Barbie. It’s getting lighter out now, but I think I need a nap. I’ll talk to you in a bit.

  I guess I didn’t sleep well. The sun is up now, but there are a few clouds around. I don’t think it will rain, I hope not anyway.

  My feet are freezing really bad. I was trying to cover them with my bag but it isn’t working very well. Now that it’s light out, I can see that they do have a lot of cuts on the bottom. I guess I didn’t notice since I’ve been running so much.

  I don’t see any zombies around, so I’m pretty sure I lost them. I have no idea where I am. I mean I have my map, but I didn’t run down the freeway, I ran out into the fields from the house, so checking the map won’t do any good. I think I’m lost.

  It was dark when I was running, so it was hard to tell which way I was going. I think that’s even more scary, not knowing where I am. At least when I know where I’m going I don’t feel so scared. Now I’m in some forest.

  Actually, I’m not sure it’s a forest, but it’s a field with some tall trees in it. Usually when I think of forests there are tons of trees, and there isn’t that many here. So I don’t know. I hear a couple of birds right now, and it’s kind of nice.

  Do you think animals turn into zombies too? I haven’t seen any, but I’m thinking it could happen. That’s scary too. Animals are harder to run away from, they’re usually faster than people. I have no idea what I’d do if that happened. I love animals, and I don’t want to kill one, but if it’s a zombie animal I might have to.

  No, I don’t know how! I only have a slingshot, I don’t have a gun or anything like hunters do. I don’t have a knife either. Maybe I’d end up dead by an animal instead of a regular zombie. Unless the animals go slower too, so who knows. Maybe I’m getting worried for nothing.

  I don’t know, I’m sorry, I’m not trying to be mean. I think I’m just tired, and I’m hungry. I don’t think I’ll ever get used to this. Maybe I should have just died back there, instead of trying to run away all the time. I lost where I am, so now I don’t know if I’ll ever get to Grandpa’s house.

  I think being all by myself is making me think about too many weird things. Stuff I don't want to think about.

  I just heard a BOOM. It sounded a little like thunder, but there isn't enough clouds. I think.... wait, do you think it was a gun? Is someone around here?

  Another one! It doesn't sound very close, but I think I can figure out where it might be coming from.

  I think I should go see what it is. Don't worry, I'll stay hiding so whatever it is can't see me. I'll let you know what I find out.

  Chapter 24

  Barbie, you'll never guess what I found. Go on, guess. Give up?

  Trailer houses! I hear people inside, too! I had to go a ways before I found it. I heard that boom a couple more times, so I tried to follow where the sound came from. There's a lot of tall grass around, so it's easy for me to stay hiding.

  There's a really big wall fence made of wood and metal, and it kind of looks like some tall tower was built next to it. I see some people walking around it! And they aren’t zombies! I see them talking to each other! This place doesn’t look too big, but it’s hard to tell from out here.

  There could be a whole lot of people in there. It’s been so long since I’ve seen real people. I feel happy, but kind of weird too. I actually am okay with being alone now, so hanging out with other people is really hard to think about.

  I want to go say hi, but…. I just feel way too scared to. What if they think I’m strange? Or they don’t like me? Will they just tell me to go away? … what if these are bad people? There’s so much I’m trying to think about but it isn’t making much sense.

  Is there something wrong with me? I should be happy that there are other people, right? Okay, I AM happy, but why do I feel scared? Maybe I’m just not used to being around people anymore. I don’t know, I guess I kind of feel like they won’t understand me.

  I’m dirty, I don’t have shoes, I have none of my stuff anymore, I just have you and Mr. Floppy right now. I wonder if anyone else in there has been alone like me. Have any of them had to walk around forever trying to find someone, or somewhere to go?

  Wait a second.

  I got a little closer, but I’m still behind some of these trees. I think I hear other kids in there! That makes me want to go in there even more, but I’m still nervous.

  Okay, I thought about it for a while, and I think I'm going to go say hi. I just hope this is a good idea. I think it is. I really do miss having friends. I'm still a little scared, but I'm going to do it.

  Wish me luck, Barbie.

  Chapter 25

  January 9, 1994

  Barbie, I know what day it is again! This is the first time I've had to talk in the last few days. There's a lot I have to tell you, but I have a little time right now.

  Remember how we found that trailer park and I told you I was going to go say hi? Well, I did. I was walking kind of slow because I was scared. When I got closer I think they saw me, because a couple of them started saying, “Hey, you down there!.” I looked up to say something, but I got scared again and didnt say anything, I just stood there.

  They kept trying to talk to me, but I didn't move or anything. I don't know why, I just felt so weird trying to say something. I walked closer, then I heard this really loud boom, like from earlier. My left leg started hurting a lot, and then I think I fell asleep, or something.

  When I woke back up I was in this doctor's office. There was a lady in there reading some papers, and then she saw me and started talking to me. She was really nice to me. She asked me my name and where I came from, and she was really surprised that I had walked so far all by myself.

  I was kind of nervous talking to her. I wasn't sure she was going to be bad or not, so I tried to get up and walk, but then my leg hurt again and she said I had to stay in bed. It was weird, because I actually felt really safe. I'm not used to that.

  She said her name was Rita, and she was a surjen. I told her my leg was hurting a little, and when I looked at it, it had this big bandage on the bottom part. Rita was saying how sorry she was that it happened, but she fixed my leg and she said I'd get better real soon. It might have a scar, but I'll be back to normal and I'll be able to walk.

  I told her I didn't know what happened. Rita said that one of the men on the outside of the wall thought I was a zombie! I asked why, because I don't look like one at all! She said it was because I was really dirty, and because I wasn't talking, I confused him, and he shot his gun at me! She said that he wasn't a good shot, that's why he hit my leg instead of my head.

  I almost died, Barbie! I always thought I'd be killed by a zombie, not shot by accident. I felt kind of mad, but she said that he felt really bad about it when he found out I was a real girl. He was helping her take care of me. She said I was asleep for about 2 days! I was pretty tired, but I feel like I got good rest.

  Then he walked into the room, and he said hi to me. I kind of said hi back, but I had a hard time looking at him. He came up to me and said he was really glad I was getting better, and that he felt really bad about hurting me. I didn't know what to say, so I just I nodded my head at him.

  Then he gave me my bag and Mr. Floppy. He was all clean! He said that he was really dirty, so he decided to wash him so he'll feel better. Mr. Floppy DID look pretty happy, and he smelled good, so I said “thank you.”

  He didn't look very old, so I asked him how old he was. He said he was 19, and I told him I was 10. He said that if I ever needed anything at all, he’d get it for me. He really did look like he was sorry. He put out his hand to shake mine, so I shook it back. He said his name was Jack.

  I asked Rita if I was in a city, and she said it was more like a neighborhood. A bunch of people got away from the zombies, so they all started protecting each other. They built a big wall and started having people guard it to keep the zombies away. Sometimes people will go to the big cities far away to try and find food and water
and other things.

  I asked if I could see it, so she and Jack helped me into a wheelchair. I always wanted to sit in one, but not because I was hurt, it just looked fun. Rita pushed me and Jack walked next to me. He started pointing at people and telling me their names, but I had a hard time thinking about it, I was too busy looking at other things.

  Most of it is just the trailers, and there's also a lot of tents. There must be a hundred people here, maybe more. Jack showed me a bigger trailer, and he said that kids do school there. I thought about it, and I realized how much I actually missed school. That's really weird to me. Rita says there's lots of room, there's enough food, and there's kids I can play with, so she's letting us stay!

  Then Rita said something strange. She said there was a little girl there that kind of looked like me. I've never seen anyone that looks like me before. She brought me over to where the kids were playing.

  Barbie.... Lydia is here! My little sister is alive!!

  Rita introduced me to the kids, and Lydia saw me and started smiling. She ran up to me and hugged me - she remembered me!! I started crying, but I wasn't sad, I was actually really happy! I asked her what happened to Mom, Dad and Jennifer, but she didn't remember, and she started getting sad again.

  I just hugged her. I don't know for how long, but it felt like forever. I don't feel so bad anymore. She's so much bigger now, she's almost 6!

  Then when I let go, I started hearing some arguing behind us. I looked and it was two big men yelling at each other. I don't know what about, and I didn't really understand since they were far away, but then Rita told them to not do this in front of the kids. I don't know what that means, but I guess right now I don't care.

  Rita and Jack said that it was a really good thing that I found my sister, that it made them feel good that people can find their family again. Rita said that I am going to be staying with this older girl named Sarah, who was taking care of Lydia. She wants me and my sister to stay together, and I do too.

  So right now I'm in Sarah’s tent. She's nice, but seems kind of... strict. Almost like my dad. She says she's going to teach me to protect myself even better. I asked why, and she said that running away from the zombies doesn't always work. That sometimes you have to fight them to get them to stop.

  That's kind of scary. I've never fought with anybody before. Sarah says it's not fun, but it's something I need to know. She says I was just really lucky that I stayed alive for so long, but now I need to REALLY know how to protect myself. She said that once my leg is all better, she'll start “training” me.

  Um, Barbie, I have some bad news. I just saw now that I'm on your last piece of paper. There's so much more I want to tell you, but I need to find some paper first. I hope I find some, I dont want to leave you alone! Dont worry, Barbie, I'll get some more paper for you, I promise!

  But I'll just tell you right now that this is the safest I've felt in a long time. I found Lydia, I think I'm making friends, and I just had the biggest dinner I've had in a long time. I keep hearing some arguing with those two men, so I'm not sure what that is, but I'm not worrying too much.

  Maybe I'll actually sleep good for once. I'm so tired of bad dreams and bad sleep. Lydia is asleep next to me. I hope she doesn't still wet the bed. You know, I dont care that much anymore. The good thing is I found her, so maybe I can still find the rest of my family.

  I'll talk to you later, Barbie. Good night.

  ~~~~~~~~~~

  Part 3

  Chapter 26

  June 17, 1995

  Hey Barbie. I’m lying down right now, I don’t feel that good. Today’s been awful, probably one of the worst days I’ve had in a long time.

  First of all it’s super-hot. Yeah, I know, it’s summer, it’s supposed to be hot, but I still hate it. I don’t have any way to cool down. It’s not like there’s anywhere to go swimming, or take a bath or anything. At least not any time soon.

  My sister’s stupid cat is getting hair everywhere, and that’s not helping. Kitty’s nice and stuff, but she gets in the way a lot. Lydia needs to keep her on her bed or something. I don’t know, I’m just not in the mood for anything or anyone right now.

  The rations are getting more strict. They’ve been getting lower for a while, but it’s always bad news when it happens. So I didn’t eat much today, I gave most of it to Lydia since she needs it more than me. My stomach feels funny so it’s probably good that I don’t have anything until tomorrow.

  So, I hope you don’t get weirded out by what I’m going to say, but you need to know what happened. It was really scary at first, but now it’s just, well, gross.

  I was hanging out with some of the other kids out behind the school and I started feeling dizzy. I wasn’t running around so it didn’t make sense. Then I had to use the bathroom, so I went inside, but I didn’t get to go. As soon as I got in there, I saw blood on my legs. I wasn’t cut anywhere! It was on my shorts too, and I just… started screaming. It made me think of what happened at the mall.

  I fell and hit my head on the floor, and I still have a bump from it. A couple of the kids came in and got scared, and I heard one of them yelling to get Sarah. I saw her come in, but I didn’t get up, I just kept screaming. I didn’t want her to touch me, and I told her to get away from me. That’s all I remember.

  I woke up in Rita’s room, and I saw Rita and Sarah talking. I had on clean clothes, and it felt like there was a bandage under my pants. Rita asked if I was okay, and I told her that I felt a little sore in my stomach and I had a headache.

  Rita said my stomach hurting was normal for what happened to me. I didn’t understand, and I still kind of don’t. She knows where the blood came from, it was because of a “period.” She says it happens to all girls, and most girls get scared the first time it happens. I asked her what she meant by first time, because she made it sound like it happens a lot. She said it does, every single month, for a couple days!

  That is really disgusting. I’m sorry Barbie, but I can’t talk to anyone else about this kind of stuff.

  Sarah helped me back to our place and she started asking lots of questions about me. She never really asked me these things before, so I didn’t understand why.

  Sarah told me that after she saw me in the bathroom I just kept on screaming for her to go away. She tried to pick me up to take me to Rita, but I started hitting her. I don’t remember doing that! I wouldn’t hit Sarah, she’s like my big sister! If I had a big sister, I guess that’s what she’d be like.

  She said that girls can get scared when that happens, but not like how I acted. She said I passed out, and Rita gave me a checkup, and now she has some ideas about why I acted the way I did. They think that “something happened to me.”

  I started thinking about the mall again. I haven’t thought about it in a while, but sometimes it comes back to me when I don’t want it to, like my dreams with Bag-Man. Then she asked me if anyone had ever hurt me.

  I tried not to cry, but I did anyway.

  You're the only one that ever knew what happened, but Sarah sat next to me and kept trying to get me to talk. I didn’t want to talk about it, and I told her that. She said she understood, but she still needs to know so she can help. I don’t know how she thinks she can help, it was such a long time ago.

  I finally started telling her about the mall. Sarah looked like she wanted to cry too, but she didn’t. Then she started to look mad. I don’t think she was mad at me, I think she was mad at him.

  Then she said something that actually made me feel better: she said she was glad he died. I am too, but this time I don’t feel so bad about thinking that way. She said people like him deserve to die.

  Sarah’s going to do extra training with me starting tomorrow. She says I need to be able to protect myself against more than just the zombies, so those kinds of bad things don’t happen to me or anyone else. I think she’s right, but I’m already practicing things every day, that and doing school work. I trust her, so I guess I’ll wait and see what
she has planned.

  For now, I’m just going to go to sleep early. I still really hate today, and I don’t want to think about anything that happened, I just want to rest and be ready for tomorrow.

  Good night Barbie.

  Chapter 27

  June 18, 1995

  Hey Barbie! Today turned out pretty good, I was worried it was going to be another bad day.

  This morning started bad: we found out that rations got even smaller! Some people didn’t get any food at all, including me, Lydia and Sarah! The ones that did get food didn’t get very much anyway, I don’t think they could have split it up very well. It makes me glad that I gave Lydia my food yesterday, so she won’t feel as hungry as I will. I’ve gone without food before, so I know how to deal with it.

  Sarah told me I didn’t have to go to school today if I didn’t want to, and we could just do extra shooting practice. I decided to go anyway, because I don’t want to think about all this stuff. So I was in the schoolhouse for a while, and Ms. Taylor was teaching us some math. Now that I think about it, she kind of reminds me of Miss Florence, like she’s happy a lot, except she doesn’t play any games when doing the lessons. She always says that there’s a time for play and a time for learning.

  A little while later we started hearing yelling outside. Ms. Taylor went to look, and then she told us to wait inside. She walked outside and started yelling at Michael and Dan to get away from the kids when they argue. I went up to the window to listen, and it sounded like they were arguing about the food problems we’ve been having. I think I heard Dan say something about moving all the people to a new place. Michael said that we needed to learn how to grow our own food, and Dan said that it didn’t work last time…

  I don’t know why those two argue so much. Almost every day it’s something different, but this time they got a lot louder. Then some other people started yelling at each other, and they kept talking about there not being enough food.