by Karen Hill
Just before the train left the station, another man, balding and bulging at the waist, took a seat across from her, next to the young man. An elderly woman squeezed in next to Ruby, sandwiching her rail-thin body between the window and door seats. Ruby watched the man on the other side as he took out a wooden box and placed it on the seat beside him. He opened the box and took out a knife, a napkin, some bread, a piece of cheese and an apple. He spread the napkin on his lap and placed the bread there. After watching him dig into his piece of bread and passing a cursory smile, Ruby closed her eyes, trying to shut out the light and distraction.
The woman sitting next to her gave her a nudge. “Young lady, do you know what time it is?”
Ruby opened her eyes a little and responded that it was noon. She continued, “Do you know what time we arrive?”
“Uh, I’m not sure. Evening, I suppose.”
The man with the lunch spoke up. “We arrive at ten p.m. on the dot.”
“Thank you, mein Herr. Danke.”
Ruby tried to go to sleep but was haunted by her thoughts. Her mind swirled around, trying to imagine what was wrong with her. Maybe it was all in her head. But she didn’t think that losing twenty pounds in three weeks could be all in her head. Werner had been concerned but was often short with her—he too was baffled.
The little old lady poked at her again. “My dear, where are you from?” She spoke in a low, clear German that Ruby could understand easily.
Ruby sighed. “Canada.”
“Then I bet you don’t know much about this trip you’re making. We will be travelling through the eastern corridor. Ever heard of that?”
Ruby nodded in silence. A sense of panic began to spread slowly through her body and she wondered what awaited her at the hospital in Stuttgart. Why had Werner left her to make this trip on her own?
“Those nasty East Germans. They have ruined everything. Do you know that my youngest son is stuck in the East? Do you know what that feels like? I’ve lost him to the Communists. Young lady, you’re not listening to me.”
Ruby felt a tightening wind its way like a vise around her throat. If she was just imagining things, why did she feel so awful?
“Are you all right, missy?” said the man across the aisle.
She shook her head. Her heart began to race. She twisted and turned in her seat, but tried to keep her face turned away from the other passengers so they wouldn’t see her fear. Tears began to trickle down her cheeks.
The little old lady shook her arm this time. “Why, whatever is wrong? Why are you crying? You’re not all right, are you?”
Ruby sniffled and turned to her, and without being able to say a word she broke down into sobs. Her abdomen was pounding; she felt as if it were on fire. The woman rubbed her arm gently and asked if there was anything she could do. Ruby shook her head listlessly. She bunched herself up in the corner again. She could barely breathe. She started gasping as she became more and more agitated. Her heart was bruising her chest with its mad strumming. She wanted to get off the train. What was going to happen to her at the other end? She didn’t know Werner’s parents that well. What could they do? She tried to stand up but crumpled back down on the seat.
The young woman stood up. “I’m going to find someone to help you. Hang on there.”
It felt like quite a while before the woman returned with a conductor. They hadn’t been able to find a doctor on the train.
The man bent down and said, “Miss, what’s wrong?”
Ruby could barely open her mouth but managed to squeak out, “I don’t know what’s wrong, but it hurts terribly.”
The man told the younger woman to stay in the compartment with Ruby. Ruby felt like an hour passed as she quivered and turned in her seat. Then the train began slowing down, the wheels finally grinding to a complete standstill in the middle of nowhere. Outside were empty fields, no houses. Everything looked like a wasteland.
Everybody in the compartment was looking at each other. They were not yet near the border.
“What’s going on?” the fat man grumbled. “I feel bad for her, but do we really have to stop here?”
Eventually a woman and a man arrived at their compartment and asked the other travellers to leave. They bent down by Ruby, who was still huddled against the wall. “Ma’am, we’re with the Red Cross and we hear you’re having some trouble. We’d like to try to help you. Can you tell us what’s wrong?”
Ruby couldn’t stop hyperventilating. The woman kept tapping her hand gently, but Ruby couldn’t revive herself enough to speak. Gentle, probing fingers directed a stethoscope to Ruby’s heart, then took her blood pressure. Shaking violently, she was on the verge of passing out from the unforgiving pain.
“Miss, you are obviously in great distress, but we can’t really tell what’s going on. Tell us a little more about your condition.”
Ruby stammered on about the events of the past three weeks as best she could. She explained that she had terrible pain in her abdomen. As the paramedic kneaded her abdomen, she sucked in her breath. “Get me out of here! I can’t breathe.”
“We’re going to give you some painkillers and a sedative till you get to hospital.”
Ruby accepted their offer gladly. Only then did she notice the grey East German Red Cross uniforms; only then did she fully realize that the train had indeed stopped for her deep in the narrow Communist corridor, West Berlin’s umbilical cord to the free world.
The others were allowed back into the compartment. Back in her seat, the little old lady took her hand. “Now, now, my dear. They’re gone. Everything will be fine. Ach, especially since the East Germans were here. Bastards!” The other woman hushed her. As the drugs kicked in, Ruby began to relax a little. In a short while, her eyes drooped shut and she managed to sleep through the last hours of the trip to Stuttgart.
When she got off the train, Werner’s father was waiting for her. They took a taxi home, to a row of studio-houses built by the city for artists.
“Komm doch essen. Come have some food. There’s plenty of it.” And indeed the table was laden with meat, potatoes and salads.
“Thank you very much, but I’m really not at all hungry,” Ruby said, worried about how her stomach would react.
“How about a cup of tea, then?” said Heike. “Peppermint tea might do you some good.”
Ruby said she’d try some. Hermann motioned to her to take a seat wherever she liked, and she chose to sit on the sofa. He sat down next to her.
“I hope this isn’t anything serious,” he said in halting English. “Let’s wait to see what the doctors have to say.”
Heike brought her tea in a beautiful old cup with matching saucer. She placed it on a rickety little side table that sat next to the sofa. “You mustn’t worry,” she said, her English much better than her husband’s. She pulled a chair over from the dining room table and sat down in front of the sofa. “You’re probably just going through an adjustment phase, living in Berlin and all. Where is your family? Are you in touch with them?” Her tone was bright and cheery, and she leaned over and placed a hand on Ruby’s arm. “You must make sure you can see them soon. They can always stay with us if they come by this way.”
Ruby said that she hoped to see her parents when she was back in Berlin. Soon after, she lay down on the sofa and Heike covered her up with a blanket. Before long, her heart was racing once again and she began to feel very agitated. She jumped up from the sofa and paced around, not able to slow herself down. Soon the driving pain was back and she crumpled to the floor.
Werner’s parents took her to the emergency room right away. Hermann had a chance to talk to the nurse on duty, and only a few minutes later several doctors arrived and Ruby was taken away for tests. A few hours later she was in a room with one other patient. The doctors didn’t say much to her, and this compounded her embarrassment at succumbing to such fits of anxiety. She was asked to remain in bed and was told that she had been put on a diet of watery oatmeal, rusks and chamomile t
ea.
Ruby spent the next ten days being tested for all manner of things and generally resting up. The doctors could find nothing wrong with her. Looking up at the doctor one day, Ruby said to him, “I feel like the rest has finally restored my body.”
The doctor nodded. “Sometimes nature does the best job of healing. You will be released to go home tomorrow. Just watch your diet for the next little while.”
Werner came in that day. “Why don’t you spend the next couple of weeks with my parents? You know, just to make sure you’re really better. It’ll be Christmas in a few weeks and we would have come down for the holidays anyway.” That was the one and only day that she was allowed to choose something to eat different from her prescribed menu. Spaetzle, served with mushrooms. She enjoyed it so much, Werner promised to take her on a mushroom-picking expedition in the neighbouring forest when spring came. At the family home, Werner’s mother and sister hovered over her, lavishing her with food and warmth. Now that she was able to eat again, Ruby wondered why her gut had caused her so much pain. She thought about Heike’s earlier comments about adjusting to life in Berlin. Was that it? The change of cuisine, a new language and culture to learn, abysmally dark and wet winters and living with a partner for the first time?
Ruby joined Heike in the kitchen, where they baked cookies and stollen and made mulled wine to get ready for the holidays. She remembered Christmas at home with her own family and all the baking she did with her mother. She felt a little twinge of regret and she knew that she was missing her folks back home. Ruby watched with wonder as the family clipped real candles onto the Christmas tree branches and lit them. Everything on the tree was handmade, topped off by garlands of cookies. The house smelled of pfeffernüsse, and Ruby added to the German traditions by baking sugar cookies, shortbread, tea balls and a Christmas cake topped with rolled-out marzipan.
“You’re supposed to be watching your diet and here you are going crazy in the kitchen,” scolded Werner.
“Oh, leave the girl alone!” his mother replied. “She’s having so much fun and it’s all so good. Besides, she’s not eating much of it. We’re saving it for the visitors.”
Ruby secretly watched everyone and wondered what they thought of her. Did they like her? Had Werner brought many other girlfriends home? Did they think or expect that she and Werner would marry?
People were always dropping by, bringing gifts of homemade fruit wine and plum schnapps. In contrast to the commercial frenzy back home, presents, if any, were simple: a book here, a framed photograph there, a box of cookies and treats. Aware of how different their festive traditions were, Heike proposed that they roast a turkey in Ruby’s honour.
The days at Werner’s parents’ house were generally cheery. However, Ruby was not feeling cheerful about Werner. He continued to be demanding, and she squirmed more and more under his restricting influence. In addition, she hadn’t been able to let go of the feeling that he had deserted her when she needed him most and that she wouldn’t have faced such turmoil if he had travelled with her. She kept emotionally and physically distant from him, and when he asked what was wrong, simply said, “You know what is wrong.” Her family had done a good job of teaching her not to wallow when ill; to pick herself up, dust herself off and carry on.
Finally, one day she started crying, and told him all that she felt. After listening to her he said quietly, “I’m so sorry that you have had such a hard time. But Ruby, you are not a baby, and I can’t hold your hand through every situation you face.”
Ruby was furious. “What do you mean? You try to hold my hand literally and figuratively all the time! You treat me like your child when I don’t want you to! So why can’t you help me when I actually need you?”
“I’m just telling you, I can’t always be there for you.”
Ruby left the bedroom with nothing more to say.
Christmas came and went relatively quietly. On the twenty-sixth, Ruby, Werner and his sister Ulli hiked up the mountain to a restaurant where they drank wine made from rosehips and gorged on schnitzel and spaetzle. Visitors continued to stop by the house in a steady stream, the tinkle of laughter and happy voices filling the soundscape. During all these activities Werner was there, watching her every move, giving directions all the time. She was irked, but decided it was just one of his things about being in control around his family and chose to ignore him.
Before going out on New Year’s Eve, family and friends gathered at the dining room table for Bleigiessen, the annual ritual of pouring lead to predict the future. The talk was lively as everyone was given a small, rugged piece of unformed lead cast off from Heike’s sculptures. Each person melted their piece on a large spoon held over a Bunsen burner until it was liquid and almost glowing. Then the lead was poured into a cauldron of cold water. It hissed and whistled and sputtered until a new shape floated atop the water. Everyone else around the table would take the piece in their hands and make a prediction based on the shape of the lead. Ruby’s piece of lead looked much like a little pig, and Hermann exclaimed, “Good luck—that means good luck for you!”
The conversation turned to a new movie, Das Boot, just out in the cinema, and from there it turned to talk of war. Hermann asked Ruby if her father had fought in World War II. Ruby said her father had been in the army and he had been in combat in France. His foot had been shot badly within the first two weeks of his being there, so he was sent home. But he had had a chance to see the devastation all around him.
“There’s a funny thing about war,” said Hermann. “Sometimes both sides do terrible things. My father was a Nazi, and what he and all the others did was despicable. But when I was nine years old, the Russians came and made me and my family watch while he was executed in public. That was also wrong. A child should never have to see such things.”
Ruby looked down. “I’m so sorry.” A pang surged through her as she imagined losing her own father in such a manner. She couldn’t fathom the sense of loss it would beget. The relentless questions a child would grapple with unforgivingly. She had already been learning that there was more than one side to the story of World War II, things she had never heard about before, like the bombing of Dresden.
Ruby was surprised at how comfortable she was with Werner’s mother and his family and how easily she fit into their life in Stuttgart. Her stereotype of a German family had been shattered. She wondered how they had produced someone as hard-nosed as Werner. He was so different from the rest of them.
CHAPTER FOUR
Harvest
RUBY RESUMED HER LIFE WITH WERNER IN BERLIN with a cheerful forbearance. But she still couldn’t get a work visa, and she wanted to move on from her cleaning jobs.
“You know what we have to do, don’t you?” said Werner.
“Yeah, but I’m not sure how I feel about it. Getting married, I mean.”
“Listen, I’m not jumping up and down about this either, but if you want to get a decent job, we’ll have to do it. We can both work for a few years and then I’d be able to go to Canada with you.”
“That’s what you’re thinking of doing? Going to Canada?”
“I’ve always wanted to go there, you know that,” said Werner.
“But I’m just beginning to like it here. I’ve found my groove—aside from work, that is.”
“That’s just the point, Ruby—you need to find a better job. And you can’t do that unless we get married.”
“What else would change? I don’t know much about your laws here.”
“You’d have to change your name,” said Werner. “Or hyphenate it.”
“Never. I will not change my name. I’m not your chattel, Werner. And besides, I like my family and their name. It means a lot to me.”
“Who knows, maybe they’d make an exception.”
“They’ll have to. I’ll argue that since I’m a Canadian, Canadian law should be considered. I absolutely refuse to change my name.”
“Okay, Ruby. Just give it some thought.”
/> After a week of hemming and hawing, Ruby agreed to tie the knot on the conditions that she could spend the end of summer picking grapes in France with her friend Emma, and that she be allowed to keep the name Edwards.
Emma was her closest friend, whom she’d met in her German classes. She was a little on the wild side, but Ruby loved her. She was a great conversationalist and had a fine sense of humour, and Ruby knew that they would have a lot of fun travelling together. As a francophile and someone who loved to cook, Ruby was ecstatic about the trip. The rain had been unrelenting so far that summer in Berlin. She was determined to find a change of climate, and with it, perhaps, some peace of mind.
Neither she nor Werner thought of marriage as sacred. It was a practical way to further their plans. So instead of thinking about her upcoming wedding, over the next few weeks Ruby busied herself with gathering things for her trip and packing up her knapsack. Werner hovered around her all the while. Although he wouldn’t say it, he was unhappy.
“It’s harder than I thought, to let you go off without me,” he said to her. “I’m afraid you’ll get involved with other men. You know I haven’t had sex with anyone else since we’ve been together.”
Despite his early statements that he wanted his freedom, the issue had never arisen. But she was hoping that would change while she was in France, if only to give her a little breathing room in the relationship. Still, she tried to reassure him.
“Werner, I’m coming back, I promise. We’re getting married, remember? I have to come back!”
“I’m just worried about what kind of trouble you’ll get into while you’re there.”
