The Cat Who Ate Danish Modern

by Lilian Jackson Braun

  Qwilleran found himself nodding in approval.

  "Nice office." "Glad you like it," the decorator said. "Don't you think gray is terribly civilized? I call this shade Poppy Seed. The chairs are sort of Dried Fig. I'm sick to death of Pablum Beige and Mother's Milk White." He reached for a decanter. "How about a splash of cognac?" Qwilleran declined. He said he would rather smoke his pipe. Then he stated his mission, and Lyke said in his rumbling voice: "I wish you hadn't called your magazine Gracious Abodes. It gives me visions of lavender gloves and p?che Melba." "What kind of decorating do you do?" the newsman asked.

  "All kinds. If people want to live like conquistadors or English barons or little French kings, we don't fight it." "If you can find an important house for us to photograph, we'll put it on the cover of our first issue." "We'd like the publicity," said the decorator, "but I don't know how our clients will react. You know how it is; whenever the boys in Washington find out a taxpayer has wall-to-wall carpet in his bathroom, they audit his tax returns for the last three years." He was flipping through a card index. "I have a magnificent Georgian Colonial job, done in Champagne and Cranberry, but the lamps haven't arrived…. And here's an Edwardian town house in Benedictine and Plum, but there's been a delay on the draperies; the fabric manufacturer discontinued the pattern." "Could the photographer shoot from an angle that would avoid the missing drapes?" Lyke looked startled, but he recovered quickly and shook his head. "No, you'd have to include the windows." He browsed through the file and suddenly seized an index card. "Here's a house I'd like to see you publish! Do you know G.

  Verning Tait? I did his house in French Empire with built-in vitrines for his jade collection." "Who is this Tait?" Qwilleran asked. "I'm new in this city." "You don't know the Taits? They're one of the old families living in pseudocastles down in Muggy Swamp. You know Muggy Swamp, of course — very exclusive." The decorator made a rueful face. "Unfortunately, the clients with the longest pedigrees are the slowest to pay their bills." "Are the Taits very social?" "They used to be, but they live quietly now. Mrs. Tait is unwell, as they say in Muggy Swamp." "Do you think they'd let us photograph?" "People with Old Money always avoid publicity on their real estate," Lyke said, "but in this case I might be able to use a little persuasion." Other possibilities were discussed, but both the decorator and newsman agreed the Tait house would be perfect: important name, spectacular decor, brilliant color, and a jade collection to add interest.

  "Besides that," said Lyke with a smug smile, "it's the only job I've succeeded in getting away from the Sorbonne Studio. It would give me a lot of satisfaction to see the Tait house on the cover of Gracious Abodes." "If you succeed in lining it up, call me immediately," Qwilleran said. "We're working against time on the first issue. I'll give you my home phone." He wrote his number on a Daily Fluxion card and stood up to leave.

  David Lyke gave him a parting handshake that was hearty and sincere. "Good luck with your magazine. And may I give you some fatherly advice?" Qwilleran eyed the younger man anxiously.

  "Never," said Lyke with an engaging smile, "never call draperies drapes." Qwilleran returned to his office, pondering the complexities of his new beat and thinking fondly of lunch in the familiar drabness of the Press Club, where the wall color was Sirloin, Medium Rare.

  On his desk there was a message to call Fran Unger. He dialed her number reluctantly.

  "I've been working on our project," said the women's editor, "and I have some leads for you.

  Have you got a pencil ready?… First, there's a Greek Revival farmhouse converted into a Japanese teahouse.

  And then there's a penthouse apartment with carpet on the walls and ceiling, and an aquarium under the glass floor. And I know where there's an exciting master bedroom done entirely in three shades of black, except for the bed, which is brass.

  … That should be enough to fill the first issue!" Qwilleran felt his moustache bristling. "Well, thanks, but I've got all the material I need for the first book," he said, aware that it was a rash lie.

  "Really? For a beginner you're a fast worker. What have you lined up?" "It's a long, involved story," Qwilleran said vaguely.

  "I'd love to hear it. Are you going to the Press Club for lunch?" "No," he said with hesitation. "As a matter of fact, I'm having lunch… with a decorator… at a private club." Fran Unger was a good newspaperwoman, and not easy to put down. "In that case, why don't we meet for drinks at the Press Club at five thirty?" "I'm sorry," Qwilleran said in his politest voice, "but I've got an early dinner date uptown." At five thirty he fled to the sanctuary of his apartment, carrying a chunk of liver sausage and two onion rolls for his dinner. He would have preferred the Press Club. He liked the dingy atmosphere of the club, and the size of the steaks, and the company of fellow newsmen, but for the last two weeks he had been driven to avoiding his favorite haunt. The trouble had started when he danced with Fran Unger at the Photographers' Ball. Apparently there was some magic in Qwilleran's vintage fox trot that gave her aspirations. She had been pursuing him ever since.

  "I can't get rid of that woman!" he told Koko, as he sliced the liver sausage. "She's not bad-looking, but she isn't my type. I've had all the bossy females I want! Besides, I like zebra fur on zebras." He cut some morsels of the sausage as an appetizer for Koko, but the cat was busy snapping his jaws at a thin skein of spider web that stretched between two chair legs.

  Only when the telephone rang, a moment later, did Koko pay attention. Lately he had shown signs of jealousy toward the phone. Whenever Qwilleran talked into the instrument, Koko un- tied his shoelaces or bit the telephone cord.

  Some- times he jumped on the desk and tried to nudge the receiver away from Qwilleran's ear.

  The telephone rang, and the newsman said to the mouthpiece, "Hello?… Yes! What's the good news?" Immediately Koko jumped to the desk top and started making himself a pest. Qwilleran pushed him away.

  "Great! How soon can we take pictures?" Koko was pacing back and forth on the desk, looking for further mischief.

  Somehow he got his leg tangled in the cord, and howled in indignation.

  "Sorry, I can't hear you," said Qwilleran. "The cat's raising the roof…. No, I'm not beating him. Hold the line." He extricated Koko and chased him away, then wrote down the address that David Lyke gave him. "See you Monday morning in Muggy Swamp," Qwilleran said. "And thanks. This is a big help." The telephone rang once more that evening, and the friendly voice of Fran Unger came on the wire. "Well, hello!

  You're home!" "Yes," said Qwilleran. "I'm home." He was keeping an eye on Koko, who had leaped up on the desk.

  "I thought you had a big date tonight." "Got home earlier than I expected." "I'm at the Press Club," said the sugary voice. "Why don't you come over? We're all here, drinking up a storm." "Scram!" said Qwilleran to Koko, who was trying to dial the phone with his nose.

  "What did you say?" "I was talking to the cat." Qwilleran gave Koko a push, but the cat slanted his eyes and stood his ground, looking determined as he devised his next move.

  "By the way," the wheedling voice was saying, "when are you going to invite me up to meet Koko?" "YOW!" said Koko, aiming his deafening howl directly into Qwilleran's right ear.

  "Shut up!" said Qwilleran.

  "What?" "Oh, hell!" he said, as Koko pushed an ashtray full of pipe ashes to the floor.

  "Well!" Fran Unger's voice became suddenly tart. "Your hospitality overwhelms me!" "Listen, Fran," said Qwilleran. "I've got a mess on my hands right now." He was going to explain, but there was a click in his ear. "Hello?" he said.

  A dead silence was his answer, and then a dial tone. The connection had been cut. Koko was standing with one foot planted firmly on the plunger button.

  3

  When Qwilleran reported to the Photo Lab on Monday morning to pick up a man for the Muggy Swamp assignment, he found Odd Bunsen slamming gear into a camera case and voicing noisy objections. Bunsen was the Daily Fluxion's specialist in train wrecks and five-alarm fires, and he had
just been assigned on a permanent basis to Gracious Abodes.

  "It's an old man's job," he complained to Qwilleran. "I'm not ready to come down off the flagpoles yet." Bunsen, who had recently climbed a skyscraper's flagpole to get a close-up of the Fourth of July fireworks, had an exuberance of qualities and defects that amused Qwilleran. He was the most oaring of the photographers, had the loudest voice, and smoked the longest and most objectionable cigars. At the Press Club he was the hungriest and the thirstiest.

  He was raising the largest family, and his wallet was always the flattest.

  "If I wasn't broke, I'd quit," he told Qwilleran as they walked to the parking lot. "For your private information, I hope this stupid magazine is a fat flop." With difficulty and mild curses he packed the camera case, tripod, lights and light stands in his small foreign two-seater.

  Qwilleran, jackknifing himself into the cramped space that remained, tried to cheer up the photographer. He said, "When are you going to trade in this sardine can on a real car?" "This is the only kind that runs on lighter fluid," said Bunsen. "I get ten miles to the squirt." "You photographers are too cheap to buy gas." "When you've got six kids and mortgage payments and orthodontist bills…" "Why don't you cut out those expensive cigars?" Qwilleran suggested. "They must cost you at least three cents apiece." They turned into Downriver Road, and the photographer said, "Who lined up this Muggy Swamp assignment for you? Fran Unger?" Qwilleran's moustache bristled. "I line up my own assignments." "The way Fran's been talking at the Press Club, I thought she was calling the plays." Qwilleran grunted.

  "She does a lot of talking after a couple of martinis," said Bunsen. "Saturday night she was hinting that you don't like girls. You must have done something that really burned her up." "It was my cat! Fran called me at home, and Koko disconnected the phone." "That cat's going to get you into trouble," the photographer predicted.

  They merged into the expressway traffic and drove in speed and silence until they reached the Muggy Swamp exit.

  Bunsen said, "Funny they never gave the place a decent name." "You don't understand upper-class psychology," said Qwilleran. "You probably live in one of those cute subdivisions." "I live in Happy View Woods. Four bedrooms and a big mortgage." "That's what I mean. The G. Verning Taits wouldn't be caught dead in a place called Happy View." The winding roads of Muggy Swamp offered glimpses of French chateaux and English manor houses, each secluded in its grove of ancient trees. The Tait house was an ornate Spanish stucco with an iron gate opening into a courtyard and a massive nail-studded door flanked by iron lanterns.

  David Lyke greeted the newsmen at the door, — ushering them into a foyer paved with black and white marble squares and sparkling with crystal. A bronze sphinx balanced a white marble slab on which stood a seventeen-branch candelabrum.

  "Crazy!" said Bunsen.

  "I suppose you want some help with your equipment," Lyke said. He signaled to a houseboy, who gave the young white-haired decorator a worshipful look with soft black eyes. "Paolo, pitch in and help these splendid people from the newspaper, and maybe they'll take your picture to send home to Mexico." Eagerly the houseboy helped Bunsen carry in the heavy camera case and the collection of lights and tripods.

  "Are we going to meet the Taits?" Qwilleran asked.

  The decorator lowered his voice. "The old boy's holed up somewhere, clipping coupons and nursing his bad back.

  He won't come out till we yell Jade! He's an odd duck." "How about his wife?" "She seldom makes an appearance, for which we can all be thankful." "Did you have much trouble getting their permission?" "No, he was surprisingly agreeable," said Lyke. "Are you ready for the tour?" He threw open double doors and led the news- men into a living room done in brilliant green with white silk sofas and chairs. A writing desk was in ebony ornamented with gilt, and there was a French telephone on a gilded pedestal.

  Against the far wall stood a large wardrobe in beautifully grained wood.

  "The Biedermeier wardrobe," said Lyke, raising an eyebrow, "was in the family, and we were forced to use it. The walls and carpet are Parsley Green. You can call the chairs Mushroom. The house itself is Spanish, circa 1925, and we had to square off the arches, rip up tile floors, and re-plaster extensively." As the decorator moved about the room, straightening lampshades and smoothing the folds of the elaborately swagged draperies, Qwilleran stared at the splendor around him and saw dollar signs.

  "If the Taits live quietly," he whispered, "why all this?" Lyke winked. "I'm a good salesman. What he wanted was a setting that would live up to his fabulous collection of jade. It's worth three quarters of a million. That's not for publication, of course." The most unusual feature in the living room was a series of niches in the walls, fronted with plate glass and framed with classic moldings. On their glass shelves were arranged scores of delicately carved objects in black and translucent white, artfully lighted to create an aura of mystery. Odd Bunsen whispered, "Is that the jade? Looks like soap, if you ask me." Qwilleran said, "I expected it to be green." "The green jade is in the dining room," said Lyke.

  The photographer started to set up his tripod and lights, and the decorator gave Qwilleran notes on the interior design.

  "When you write up this place," he said, "call the Biedermeier wardrobe an armoire, and call the open-arm chairs fauteuils." "Wait till the guys at the Fluxion read this," said Qwilleran. "I'll never hear the end of it." Meanwhile, Bunsen was working with unusual concentration, taking both color and black-and-white shots. He shifted lights and camera angles, moved furniture an inch one way or another, and spent long periods under the focusing cloth. The houseboy was a willing assistant. Paolo was almost too eager. He got in the way.

  Finally Bunsen sank into a white silk chair. "I've got to park for a minute and have a smoke." He drew a long cigar from his breast pocket.

  David Lyke grimaced and glanced over his shoulder. "Do you want us all to get shot? Mrs. Tait hates tobacco smoke, and she can smell it a mile away." "Well, that squelches that little idea!" Bunsen said irritably, and he went back to work.

  Qwilleran said to him, "We need some close-ups of the jades." "I can't shoot through the glass." "The glass can be removed," said Lyke. "Paolo, will you tell Mr. Tait we need the key to the cases?" The jade collector, a man of about fifty, came at once, and his face was radiant. "Do you want to see my jades?" he said. "Which cases do you want me to open? These pictures will be in color, won't they?" His face had a scrubbed pink gleam, and he kept crimping the corners of his mouth in an abortive smile. He looked, Qwilleran thought, like a powerful man who had gone soft. His silk sports shirt exposed a heavy growth of hair on his arms, and yet there was a complete absence of hair on his head.

  The plate-glass panels in the vitrines were ingeniously installed without visible hardware. Tait himself opened them, wearing gloves to prevent smudging.

  Meanwhile Lyke recited a speech with affected formality: "Mr. Tait has generously agreed to share his collection with your readers, gentlemen. Mr. Tait feels that the private collector — in accumulating works of art that would otherwise appear in museums — has an obligation to the public. He is permitting these pieces to be photographed for the education and esthetic enjoyment of the community." Qwilleran said, "May I quote you to that effect, Mr. Tait?" The collector did not answer. He was too absorbed in his collection. Reverently he lifted a jade teapot from its place on a glass shelf. The teapot was pure white and paper-thin.

  "This is my finest piece," he said, and his voice almost trembled. "The pure white is the rarest. I shouldn't show it first, should I? I should hold it back for a grand finale, but I get so excited about this teapot! It's the purest white I've ever seen, and as thin as a rose petal. You can say that in the article: thin as a rose petal." He replaced the teapot and began to lift other items from the shelves. "Here's a Chinese bell, almost three thousand years old…. And here's a Mexican idol that's supposed to cure certain ailments. Not backache, unfortunately." He crimped the corners of his mouth as if enjoyi
ng a private joke that was not very funny.

  "There's a lot of detail on those things," Qwilleran observed.

  "Artists used to spend a whole lifetime carving a single object," Tait said. "But not all my jades are works of art." He went to the writing table and opened a drawer. "These are primitive tools made of jade. Axheads, chisels, harpoons." He laid them out on the desk top one by one.

  "You don't need to take everything out," said Qwilleran. "We'll just photograph the carved pieces," but the collector continued to empty the drawer, handling each item with awe.

  "Did you ever see jade in the rough?" he said. "This is a piece of nephrite." "Well, let's get to work," said Bunsen. "Let's start shooting this crazy loot." Tait handed a carved medallion to Qwilleran. "Feel it." "It's cold," said the newsman.

  "It's sensuous — like flesh. When I handle jade, I feel a prickle in my blood. Do you feel a prickle?" "Are there many books on jade?" Qwilleran asked. "I'd like to read up on it." "Come into my library," said the collector. "I have everything that has ever been written on the subject." He pulled volume after volume from the shelves: technical books, memoirs, adventure, fiction — all centered upon the cool, sensuous stone.

  "Would you care to borrow a few of these?" he said. "You can return them at your leisure." Then he reached into a desk drawer and slipped a button-shaped object into Qwilleran's hand. "Here! Take this with you for luck." "Oh, no! I couldn't accept anything so valuable. " Qwilleran fingered the smooth rounded surface of the stone. It was green, the way he thought jade should be.

  Tait insisted. "Yes, I want you to have it. Its intrinsic value is not great. Probably just a counter used in some Japanese game. Keep it as a pocket piece. It will help you write a good article about my collection." He puckered the corners of his mouth again. "And who knows? It may give you ideas. You may become a collector of jade… and that is the best thing that could happen to a man!" Tait spoke the words with religious fervor, and Qwilleran, rubbing the cool green button, felt a prickle in his blood.