by Leslie Pike
That gets things going in the room.
“A child with a discriminating palate! I expect that of our little bundle,” says Jack.
“It has an air ventilation system that cuts down on baby’s gas,” BB adds.
“Do they have one big enough for Jack?” Steven says.
We all laugh at the thought.
“What is this, pick on daddy day?” Jack pouts.
“And finally, there’s the Play-Doh confetti-maker,” says BB.
“What’s that for?” Esme asks.
“We’re going to throw confetti in front of the child as it learns to walk,” Jack says.
“No, that’s not it. It’s for making your own puff treats. I guess that’s like baby crack to them. But there’s iffy ingredients in the prepackaged kind. I know Nicki’s into organic eating, so when I saw this online I thought she’d like the idea.”
“You’re right. I love it. I’ll find a recipe and definitely use this.”
“The recipe’s included my friend,” BB says proudly.
“What’s this little thing?” Jack takes out what looks like a small square of fabric that pinches together.
“Oh, I forgot. That’s the Breast Feeder Reminder. Apparently women can’t always remember which boob the baby last fed from. I’m not really sure how that could happen when your nipple’s being pulled for a half hour, but apparently it happens enough that this thing’s a big seller. You hook it in your bra. I think of it as a titty bookmark.”
“Very clever, BB! I love all these things,” Nicki says.
BB holds her hand out and drops her imaginary microphone. “Beat that my friends.”
We all clap our little hearts out at the great gift.
“My turn to open!” Jack says.
He picks the big one sitting on the floor in front of him. “Let’s see.”
He opens the card and reads it. “This ones from our beautiful Bliss.”
“I love it so much, if I don’t say so myself. Open, open!”
He removes the paper and lifts the lid. “What’s this? Oh my God, is that Teddy?”
Immediately he gets choked up. He lifts the framed toy out of the deep box. I know I’m smiling ear to ear. This is such a meaningful gift.
“How did you? Did my mother have this?”
“Let me see,” says Nicki.
He turns it around to show her. “See how much I loved it?”
The oatmeal-colored bear is mounted against a darker background. His paws are covering his eyes as if he’s playing hide and seek with Jack. I had them do that because the eyes were missing, long gone because of the wear and tear of a child’s love. It’s timeworn and dirty, and the fur is matted. But it’s exactly as Jack left it the last time he laid it down as a child.
We’re all touched by Jack’s reaction. I see a few tears, not just from the women either. Paul looks as if he’s having a hard time keeping it in.
“This is a spectacular gift, Bliss. And how meaningful,” Nicki says.
“Shit!” BB knows I just crushed the competition.
“Wait! There’s another one.” He lifts Nicki’s toy from the box.
It’s her favorite baby doll, about the same size as Jack’s Teddy. That was my lucky break. When her mother said she had her beloved doll, I pictured a Barbie. But this one’s so much more beautiful. It still wears its original clothes and frilly bonnet, which makes it look even more precious.
“Oh, Jeanette!” Nicki says, recognizing the first baby she loved. Tears stream down her cheeks.
“Your parents were so happy to pass these treasures back to you, knowing they’d be looked at by the little one,” I say.
“These are going in the nursery. I can’t wait to hang them.”
“I think there’s one more item in there,” I say.
Jack digs to the bottom of the box and brings out the book I’ve enclosed. It’s The Velveteen Rabbit.
Nicki brings the book to her chest. “Of course. This is perfect. It’s my favorite childhood book, you know?”
“I know. That’s what made me come up with the idea for the gift. Well-loved toys and the fact that they’re like people. We all get a little worn with time.”
Jack leans back and puts his arms in the air. “My God I need a drink! Steven, can you get me another?” says a tearful Jack.
“I’ll get us all a round.”
“My turn,” Nicki says choosing a big large box. “That one, Jack”
He picks it up and puts it next to her.
“Let’s see. Oh, this one’s from Steven.”
“It’s good, but I’m afraid my wife beat me in this game.”
“I think she’s beaten us all,” says Paul.
The paper goes flying and the lid comes off.
“It’s a baby bath! For the tub I think? Very nice, Steven.”
“But it’s not for the house. I did a little online research too. They say if you take this to the beach, the baby can sit upright and kick its legs in the sand. It sounded like it would work. I saw a picture.”
“As much as we’re all at the beach, baby needs to be with us,” Finn says.
“It’s a great idea. I love it. Thank you, Steven”
Jack digs deeper in the box. “What’s this other thing?”
“It’s a way to preserve the baby’s and your footprints in the sand. For a wall hanging. It’s pretty cool, your big prints next to baby’s little feet.”
“This is fantastic. I love it. Thank you,” Jack says.
“Pass that around,” Esme asks.
It takes the next hour and a half to open all the gifts. Esme gives a bound book of all the family’s favorite recipes she gathered from both sides of the family tree. It’s a beautifully bound and lettered book that can be passed down to the child when he or she grows up.
“What a treasure this is, Esme. I’m surprised you got my mother to share her recipes. Look, Jack, here’s the sticky rice you’ve been trying to get my mother to teach you how to make.”
Next was Paul. He had a wonderful idea. He bought a rich mahogany shadowbox that has a slot running across the top edge. Inside, the word TICKETS is imprinted. In it he put fake Oscar tickets and baseball tickets and movie premiere tickets. It’s for Nicki and Jack to save all the memories of the baby’s lucky life. Right off the bat it will have gone to the Oscars and every other award show of the season while in vitro. And for his contribution Paul included tickets to next year’s Pageant of the Masters in Laguna Beach.
Finn concentrated on the baby’s safety. He got them the Traveling Tot Childproofing Kit. It’ll safeguard any home-away-from-home the family may travel to. Covers for electrical outlets, doorknob covers, corner protectors were just a few of the useful items. But the last part of the gift was the cleverest.
“I hope you don’t mind if I give your child its first tattoo,” he says.
“Well, he may be too young for that,” Jack jokes.
“He?” Steven asks.
The look on Jack’s face is priceless. You can almost see the wheels working in his brain, but we’re not buying his attempt at denial. “No! I didn’t mean that!’
He looks to Nicki for help.
“Don’t look at me. You’re the one who said it.”
We all whoop and holler our enthusiasm.
“Come on, Jack. It’s a boy, admit it,” Steven says.
One look at Nicki tells us it’s so.
“Damn it. I wanted to reveal it more dramatically. But yes, it’s a boy,” he says.
We all start talking at once and it takes a few minutes before things calm down.
“Sorry for the interruption, Finn. Now what’s this tattoo about?” Nicki asks.
“No worries, darlin’. This works out even better. He’ll look very hip sportin’ his first tattoo.”
Nicki holds up the small package while Finn explains.
“They’re called Temporary Tattoos. They’re to use when the lad starts walking. You put it on their little arm when
you’re somewhere they might try to wander off on their own. It reads ‘if I am lost please call’ then as you can see your cell number is printed on there, Nicki. It’s waterproof and sealed until you wash it off with soap.”
“Awesome, brother! Good thinking. Thank you.”
“I love the idea. Thanks Finn,” says Nicki.
Jack gets up and walks behind the couch to retrieve the large box. “Okay, I guess that leaves me.”
“Did you stay within our hundred dollar budget?” Nicki asks.
He looks at her like she’s insane. “No.”
“I didn’t think so. But that’s okay because you were never going to win the contest anyway.”
“Just open it.”
She works at unwrapping the beautifully-adorned package. Anne did a great job. Its shiny white paper and various hues of yellow satin ribbons look spectacular. Inside she finds individually-wrapped gifts, each with a tag on it.
“What’s in there?” Steven asks.
Nicki lifts out one of the gifts. “There’s about twenty presents in here.”
She reads the first one aloud. “For when you are mad at me,” she says smiling.
“There’s only one of those so make sure you pick a time when you’re really pissed off,” Jack says.
Nicki keeps reading the others. “For when you’re sad. For when you’re overworked. For when you miss me. Oh, honey, these are great.”
She slowly gets off the couch and moves to Jack’s lap.
“You don’t even know what’s inside them, wifey. How do you know they’re great?”
“I don’t care what’s inside. I love that you thought of this.” She kisses him full on the mouth.
All of us are enjoying ourselves so much it dawns on me we’ve lost track of the time. I look at the clock on the table.
“Oh my God! It’s eleven fifty-four! Steven, pour the champagne and the apple juice. Esme, Finn, Paul pass them out to everyone. I’ll get the hats and horns. Come on BB, help me!”
We scramble like ants. Jack pushes all the bows and wrapping paper and boxes to the side of the couches, then takes his place next to Nicki just as he’s passed his champagne.
“Here, Nicki, for the toast,” Esme says as she hands the apple juice to her friend.
We all make it back into our places with thirty seconds to spare, glasses in hand.
“Here we go,” I say.
As one we start the countdown. “Ten … nine … eight … seven … six … five … four … three … two … one! Happy New Year!!”
Chapter Eighteen
BB
“BB! Over here, BB! You look beautiful, over here please! How about a big smile?”
I hear a hundred voices at once. Flashbulbs are going off in waves of light. Standing on the Red Carpet I’m doing my best to act like I belong here. My publicist is off to the side somewhere, watching my performance. She gave me a tutorial on how to take the best pictures and how to stand so I look svelte and sexy. I’m literally putting my best foot forward in an attempt to have my gown drape properly.
As a comedian I never have had to sell myself in this way. My expression and clothes even my stance was never an issue. Half the time I’d make a funny face when asked for a picture. But now I’m in the big leagues, and by tomorrow every angle of my body and every good and bad image they can capture will be dissected. I’m sure they’re hoping that old BB will show up. They’ll be looking for my misbehaving ways. But they won’t get that from me tonight. I’ve learned there’s a time and place for both sides of my personality. And above all, I want to be taken seriously for my acting.
Tomorrow I’ll be fodder for the masses. I’ve been warned by my actress friends to take a deep seat and expect the worse. Amanda Peet suggested I don’t read any online reviews of what I wore or said. She says there are so many people now hiding behind their computers just taking joy in putting someone down. It’s so easy to tear apart what we wear when you’re sitting in your dirty sweats eating a donut. But if anyone can take it it’s a comedian. We’re very used to hecklers. My problem if I do read the critics will be to ignore them. It’s hard when I can so easily rip them apart with my words.
I change my pose and make sure my elbows are pulled back, like I’ve been instructed to do. I see Paul over to the side. He looks so scrumptious in his tux. I hope they get some photographs with us together. He’s staying out of the way of the parade of celebrities, but I reach out for his hand and bring him to my side.
“This is crazy,” he says.
“I know. I’m shaking. Am I doing okay?”
“You’re doing great. People are talking about you beautiful you look.”
We pose for the photographers who aren’t too thrilled to see I’ve wrangled my boyfriend.
I smooth out the line running across my abdomen. Good thing I didn’t eat Mexican for a week. My stomach is flat as a pancake, which this dress requires. Ahead I can see Ryan Seacrest. Oh crap. This is it. He’s watching Paul and I approach, and he calls us over with his hand. Paul tries to let go, but I’m not having any of that.
“No. Come with me.”
We walk up to where Ryan is doing the interviews. He guides me to the right spot for the cameras.
“Hello, BB!” he says with that impish grin.
I lean in for a barely-there cheek kiss. I’m sure he’s well-rehearsed about not smearing any actresses’ makeup.
“Hi, Ryan! Good to see you again. I’d like you to meet my boyfriend, Paul Cruz.”
“Hello, Paul!”
The men shake hands.
“This is unbelievable!” I say looking around at the big names.
“Well believe it, because you’re nominated for an award tonight! Best Supporting Actress. And it’s your first dramatic role! That’s what’s unbelievable.”
I give a little chuckle. “Who knew? Thankfully the director saw something in my previous roles that he liked. Even though they were all comedic.”
“You were amazing in the role. And you look stunning tonight. Who are you wearing?”
“This is Gucci, with Louboutin heels and Harry Winston jewelry,” I say, touching one ear, and lifting my spectacular forty-carat diamond bracelet in the air.
“The color looks fantastic on you. What would you call that?”
“I’m not sure! I guess we could say it’s a marine blue.”
“You’re going to land on all the best-dressed lists tomorrow I’m certain. “
He looks behind where we stand and takes my elbow. “I see they’re just about to close the doors, so you better get inside. Thank you, darling, and good luck tonight.”
I see my publicist making hand gestures to me along with the dirty look she’s sending. I give Ryan’s hand a squeeze and make for the doors with Paul.
“Damn it BB, you’re late for the Golden Globes. If you didn’t have such a great ass I’d kick it.”
As we pose for one last shot I talk through my teeth. “Well you better make it a good one because you’ll be walking funny if you do.”
Inside we snake through the tables trying to find our place in the crowd.
“We’re at table twelve.”
“This is chaos,” Paul says.
The fact that this is the only awards show that allows liquor makes for a fun night. The acceptance speeches are always more entertaining, and more than one winner always says something they regret. I’m sure that’s what the television audience hopes for. Silently I go over the people I’ll thank if I win. But the faces I’m seeing are very distracting. Every big star I can think of is within sight. There are entire casts of films and television series mingling among the tables. Leonardo DiCaprio is talking with Sophia Vergara and her hot-as-hell husband, Joe Manganiello. Kate Winslet and Ben Kingsley are deep in conversation and the Ray Donovan cast is laughing at something someone at their table just said.
“BB!” I hear my name called from the table we just passed. I turn to see Alec and Darius. They’re here because Alec is no
minated for his starring role in that World War II drama Showtime aired last year. He sits next to Helen Mirren and the rest of the cast. I’m happy to see Darius getting cozy with his date, I’m assuming. Their table looks as lively as the rest.
I motion to Paul. “Come on, let’s say hello.”
When we get back to the table, Alec stands and greets me with a kiss to the cheek.
“Hello, beautiful.” He looks at Paul. “Hello, Paul.”
The men shake hands but have no interest in engaging each other in further conversation. Paul moves to the other side of the table to say hello to Darius and his sexy young thing. I know he wants to make a better impression after kicking the kid out of our house that day.
Alec touches my bare arm. “Good luck tonight, BB. You’ve got some heady competition,” he says as he nods toward Helen.
Yeah, thanks asshole. I didn’t realize I was up against the A-Team. It’s just been all over the news for weeks. I reach my hand out to her.
“Hello!”
She returns my smile and grasps my hand in hers. “I’m a big fan,” she says.
What? Helen Mirren is a big fan of mine?
“I was just going to say that to you,” I answer.
She laughs a little and I’m aware of her magic. She’s one of those women who have that little extra something that charms whomever she’s talking to.
“Well, good luck to you tonight.”
“You too” I say, but don’t mean.
Alec is watching Paul and Darius. They talk easily, each enjoying the conversation. Paul laughs at something the kid says. And for some reason that pisses Alec off. I bet it’s because his son is more at ease with Paul than himself.
“Son.” He gets his attention. “Paul and BB don’t have time to listen to your long stories. The show’s about to start. Leave the man alone.”
The table quiets with embarrassment for Darius. How insensitive and downright mean it was to talk down to his son. And in front of his date made it even worse. Paul just waits for the kid to respond. Come on Darius, use your words. I see a little smile creep on to his face. That’s when I know he’s about to give it to the mighty Alec. He looks his father in the eye, and I don’t see any anxiety or fear.
