by Leslie Pike
“Not really. He’s known her for forty years, right? And he knows how hard it’ll be on her son when she’s gone. I don’t think that’s so strange.”
“Maybe. But what’s going unsaid could fill volumes. If you saw you’d know I’m right.”
“I seldom doubt your assessments, Nicki. But you may be off on this one.”
“I hope you’re right.”
“Oh! Let me show you something I had made.” She gets up and leaves the room for a minute. I take my cup and hers and rinse them out.
“Look at these,” she says.
She carries in two big books.
“What are those?”
“I had the script for Father Kolda’s Sins bound. I’m giving Steven, Finn, BB and Jack each one.”
I run my hand across the rich leather. Embossed across the top are the title and dates of filming.”
“Gorgeous,” I say.
“I love how they turned out. I’m going to have them delivered on Oscar morning.”
I give her a hug for her thoughtfulness. “They’re all going to love them. You’re such a good friend, Bliss.”
“What do you say we get going? We’ve got some shopping to do before lunch,” she suggests.
Let’s do it. Where are we going to eat?”
“Fashion Island has tons of good choices. You pick when we get there, and I’m going to drive. That way there’s less of a chance you’ll be flashing any men in the parking lot. I can stand in front of you when you get out,” she laughs.
We decided to start with lunch rather than the other way around. P.F. Chang’s was the right choice. I loved every bite of my lettuce wraps and every spoonful of the sweet and sour soup. What I was really lusting after was the vegetable Chow Mein and the sweet and sour chicken Bliss was eating. But that’s for another day.
“You ready?” she asks.
“Yeah. But let’s make a pit stop. I’ve got to pee every fifteen minutes it seems like.”
“No problem. I’ll wait outside. I want to call Carl anyway. Meet you out there.”
So we go to our intended destinations. When I get to the ladies room there’s an older woman standing at the sink washing her hands. She smiles warmly. I look into the mirror and as usual lately I hardly recognize myself. My face is so much fuller and so is every other part of my body.
“Yikes,” I say softly.
“What? You’re just about the loveliest woman I’ve seen in a long while. How far along are you, dear?”
“Thank you. I don’t feel very lovely lately, even though my husband tries to tell me that too. Everything is swollen.” I laugh. “But I guess that’s normal for seven and a half months.”
I don’t know why I’m spilling my guts to this stranger but it just feels right.
“Oh yes it is. I was just like that. Back in the Dark Ages,” she jokes.
“How many children do you have?”
“Four. Three girls and a boy.”
“I’m having my first. It’s a boy.”
“Congratulations. You’re about to begin the greatest adventure of your life.” Her eyes twinkle with the thought.
“What a beautiful way to look at it. You obviously were meant to be a mother.”
She laughs a little. “Well it ended up that way, but it’s not really something you can predict or prepare for. I had no idea what I was doing that first time.”
“That sounds familiar.”
“Don’t worry though. It’s so natural to care for somebody you fall in love with.”
I like the way she put that, because I know we’ll both fall in love with him that first moment. I’m in love already.
“I’m sure that’s true,” I say.
“It’s like that throughout our whole life. It’s not just the children who benefit from that mindset. It’s whoever we fall in love with. Right now I’m caring for my husband who has Alzheimer’s.”
I don’t even know this woman, but I feel sorry for her right now. “Oh, that must be so difficult.”
“It is. But I love him, so I care for him. It’s just that simple and that extraordinary.”
The bathroom door swings open and Bliss walks in.
“Just checking to make sure you didn’t fall in,” she jokes.
The woman takes one last look in the mirror. “I was talking too much as usual. Good luck with the baby, dear.”
She throws her waded up towel in the trashcan, and she’s gone.
“Who was that?” Bliss says.
“The smartest woman I’ve met in a long time.”
Two hours later we’re finished with Bliss’ clothes shopping. Happily, I was able to park myself in a comfortable chair while she gave me a fashion show. The woman looks good in everything she tries on, so my job of having a critical eye was completely unnecessary.
“Next up, the baby store!” Bliss says as we’re walking out of Nordstrom’s.
“Would you mind if we save it for another day?”
I see the concerned look on her face.
“Are you feeling okay?”
“I’m just a little tired. And these pig feet are aching. All I did was sit in a chair and they’re aching.”
“Of course, I’ll do whatever you want. I hope I didn’t poop you out.”
“Believe me, I get pooped out all on my own. I think my lunch may have been too salty. Look at my feet and ankles.”
She looks down. “Oh no. Okay, I want you to stand, no sit on the bench here. I’ll go get the car.”
She thinks I’m going to disagree. She gives me that “don’t give me any crap” look. “Just do it,” she says.
She doesn’t wait for my answer. I wasn’t going to argue with her anyway. It’s the furthest thing from my mind because I’m just feeling too weak. I put my purse down and sit with my legs stretched out in front. It only takes her ten minutes to get to the car, navigate the parking lot and make it to the curb. Thank God. She reaches across the front seat and opens my side.
“Need me to help you?”
“No, I’m good.”
I get in and settle. “Oh that feels nice.”
“Damn it, I don’t think we should have stayed so long. That was my fault, I…”
I wave away her concerns. “Stop it. You remind me of Jack. I’m not a delicate flower you know.”
She chuckles a little, but I can see she’s not buying my calmness.
“Have some of that water,” she says pointing to the new bottle she brought from the house.
As I start to unscrew the cap, my cell rings. I dig it out of my purse.
“Hi, Anne.”
“Nicki, Jack asked me to track you down. He wants you to come home.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know, but whatever it is he’s really upset about it. I’ve never seen him like this.”
“Where is he now?”
“Outside sitting on a chaise. I think he had been crying, Nicki. I don’t want to scare you, but I thought it best to let you know.”
“No, you’re right. I’m glad you called. I’m in Newport right now, but we’re heading back. I’ll get my car and make it home as soon as I can.”
When we disconnect I look over at Bliss and shake my head. “That was Anne. She said Jack wants me to come home. Something’s wrong.”
I take my time getting home. Not because I want to prolong my arrival, but because I’m not feeling well and now I’m anxious. I don’t want to make some stupid driving error and get in an accident. What happened? Did John have a horrible reaction? Or did Carol leave the telling to Jack and it’s upset him? I’ll find out soon enough, because I’m at our gates.
I pull in and park the car. Anne’s looking out the front window, and by the time I get to the door she’s there to meet me, purse in hand.
“I’m out of here. Call me if you need me for anything. I can be back in twenty minutes.”
“Thanks. I don’t expect we will, but it’s good to know you’re available just in case.”
&n
bsp; She walks off toward her car and I go into the house. It seems odd in here because there’s no music or voices filling the rooms. Jack must still be outside. I put my purse down then go into his office. Right away I find what I’m looking for, a whiskey bottle and a glass. I grab a cigar and his lighter from the top drawer. And as I pass through the great room I take a warm throw from the back of a chair.
The crashing waves sound so loud. And as I walk toward him he turns and looks at me coming. I don’t see any tears at all. There’s a look of unfeigned sorrow so deep I think it’s past tears. And behind it all I see an expression of dread.
“Jack, what happened?”
I hand him the whiskey and the glass and he sets them down on the ground. I lay the lighter and the cigar on the small table between us, then sit down on the chaise next to him.
“It was awful, Nicki. Worse than anything I had imagined. John’s heartbroken. He just cried and hollered his sadness. He couldn’t even say a word.”
I lock eyes with him. “What words aren’t you saying?”
He just stares at me for a moment.
“Go ahead, tell me,” I say dreading what I’m about to hear.
“I’m going to. I have to. But you’re not going to like it and there’s absolutely nothing I can do to make it untrue.”
“Okay.”
He pulls his chaise closer to me. He sits facing me and takes my hands.
“I’ve been telling you a half-truth. Not because I wanted to lie to you, but because it wasn’t just my secret to tell. It was also Carol’s.”
“What kind of secret?” I can feel my head begin to pound.
“When I was a kid, just seventeen, Carol and I had sex.”
My blood pressure must have just gone up twenty points.
“Are you still lovers?”
“No! God no. it was just that one time. But here’s the thing. She got pregnant and she had the baby.”
I let it sink in and when it does it all becomes clear. “John?”
“He’s not just my friend, he’s my son, Nicki.”
He starts to cry, and puts his head in his hands. I don’t know what to think or feel. Am I mad or do I just feel compassion for all parties involved?
“How do you know for certain he’s your son?”
“I know. Carol’s husband was gay. They hadn’t had sex for years. But they had an understanding. He told her if she ever needed some outside comfort he’d look the other way. But that wasn’t her style. I was the exception and the only man she’d been with.”
“Oh my God.”
“It was the seventies, Nicki. Things were so different then. And when she got pregnant and didn’t choose to have an abortion, her husband begrudgingly accepted it because it kept his secret so well.”
“How old was she?”
“Thirty-nine.”
“That’s abuse, isn’t it?”
“No it wasn’t. Believe me, I was the one who pursued her. I talked her into it. I sensed she was lonely and I liked the way she looked. That’s it. I was a horny teenager who never considered the consequences. It was my ignorance.”
“Who else knows? Does John know you’re his father?”
“No. And once we started with the lie we had to continue it. Carol’s husband was good to him and John loved him. Can you imagine how hurtful it would be to him to find out now? No, it’s much better that he always thinks of me as his good friend. That’s the price I pay.”
“Who does know?”
“No one except for Carol, you and I. We couldn’t tell anyone then. It would have broken two families, hers and mine. My best friend was her son. We couldn’t tell him. We definitely couldn’t tell the husband who exactly fathered her child. Or my parents. We decided to go on as if we had never been together. I would still be friends with Mark, she’d stay married and raise another child and I’d stay in high school. She didn’t want me to in any way have responsibility as the child grew. Remember, I was just seventeen and I had no money. Hell, I still had a year and of school before college.”
“Unbelievable,” I say trying to absorb the shock.
“But I don’t know, something happened the first time I saw him. I fell in love. Even with all his problems I couldn’t forget he was my son. No matter how well we fooled the world, I knew the truth. So as I grew older and started to become successful I made sure I took care of him and that he was a part of my life.”
I flash back to the woman in the restaurant bathroom today. She said when you fall in love with someone you want to take care of them. Now Jack’s saying the exact same thing.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. I wanted to. I honest to God wanted to,” his eyes plead and his tears confirm his desperation.
“Why didn’t you?” I can barely get the words out.
My tears are streaming down my face and Jack’s at his breaking point. He’s squeezing my hands as if he’ll never let go.
“I couldn’t figure out how you’d react and how that could affect John and Carol. That’s the truth. They’ve been my responsibility for decades now and it’s so complicated. I guess I just figured it was best to continue with the charade.”
“Until you couldn’t.”
“Until Carol got sick. And now I find myself in this awful reality. Tell me what to do. I want you to tell me the fuck what to do.”
It’s not a ploy or a flippant remark. He’s a desperate man without an answer.
“I have no idea,” I say. But I wish I knew. He looks broken.
“What happens to John when his mother dies? Do I hire a rotation of caretakers? Or do I put him in a home where all his needs are met but there’s no authentic love? And what about Carol? Do I let her twist in the wind not sure of whether her child will ever be happy again?”
I just stay silent. It’s too much to think quickly about and come to any intelligent decision.
“I don’t know the answer to any of those questions. But is John’s condition the reason you’ve been so skittish about our baby?”
“Yes. I’ve held my breath with every test you’ve gone through. I don’t know if John’s cerebral palsy was a genetic defect of mine or not. Even the doctors couldn’t tell us. I may have passed it on in my DNA. It would have killed me to have done that to our child. But thank God our baby’s healthy. I would have told you all of this had we planned on the pregnancy. Don’t think I would have hidden it. I’d already thought that out. But then it happened and it was a shock to us both, and it was too late for me to confess.”
“Does Carol know you’re telling me?”
“No. I’m sure she thinks I’m never going to tell you.”
“Why’s that?”
“Because all those years ago and ever since, she’s been insistent that I not pay the emotional price for something she considers to be her doing. She didn’t want my wife to have to pay either.”
I’m frozen in place.
“Talk to me please,” he begs.
“I will. I’ve just got to digest this. I’m a little tired and I want to go upstairs.”
I get up and start to walk away. Then I turn back to him because I haven’t completely decided he did anything wrong. It’s almost as if I can see his good soul clearer. I reach out my hand.
“Well, aren’t you coming?”
His eyes say everything his voice can’t.
Chapter Twenty
BLISS
“How’s Nicki doing?” Steven asks as we’re driving down the 405 toward Irvine.
“I’m not sure. She’s having blood pressure problems though, and her obstetrician put her on medication.”
“She must not be feeling too good if they’re going to pass on tonight’s event.”
“It’s just too uncomfortable. And there’s no way Jack’s going to leave her.”
He puts on the turn signal and eases into the right lane.
“The whole thing sounds pretty scary,” he says biting his lower lip.
“I know. Remember when I t
old you about the swelling? She says it’s worse. But besides all the pregnancy issues, there’s something else going on.”
He takes the turnoff. “What’s that?”
“I don’t really know. She’s very close mouthed about the whole thing. But I know her, and it’s definitely something.”
“With Jack?”
“Maybe. But they don’t seem to be mad at each other. I can’t really figure it out.”
“How close are we?”
I look at the map on the screen. “A quarter mile. It’s on the right.”
Steven looks over at me and smiles. “Are you getting excited?”
“Yes, excited and scared. What if it’s a piece of crap?”
He runs a hand over my leg. “It’s not going to be. It’s going to be awesome.”
How funny it is that in a blink of an eye we’re here tonight. I love that we’re having the wrap party and the screening of the first episode on the same night. We’ll do the viewing first then move on to our private party in Newport. HBO has rented out the club for the night, and all the players will be there for a final goodbye. Even Carl and Amelia will be getting their grove on.
It seems like a minute ago that I began writing the story of Carl and Mary. It started as a screenplay, but morphed into a six part series. Amazing. The fact that I sold my first real story never fails to astonish everyone. I thank my lucky stars every day. What if I hadn’t met Steven? I would have just gone on writing for my own pleasure, I’m sure. But it would have stopped there. He was the catalyst for my success. I think back to that first day on the beach in Pacific Grove. He encouraged me to be confident about my writing, and he didn’t even know what kind of a writer I was. Then he stopped talking and got to more important matters. What a day. I can still picture him sitting on the sand like a naked god, holding out his arms saying, “Come here. Sit on me.” Jesus Christ almighty.
I turn to Steven. “Tonight when we get home, I want to take off all our clothes and sit on you.”
“Where did that come from? And yes,” he says with a gleam in his eyes.
“My mind wandered back to that first day in Pacific Grove.”
He joins me in my remembrance. “That first look when you dropped your panties…ohhh. Your pussy was so juicy.We better stop this talk. Damn it, Bliss, now I’m screwed. I’ve got to take a few minutes before we get out of the car. You just made me fucking hard.” He wiggles in his seat.
