The band was leaving to go back to L.A later today. Drake and Chloe would be away on their honeymoon until right before the tour started, leaving the others to take care of any last-minute details for the tour.
I didn’t want Jade to go. After my breakdown and heart-to-heart with her, I felt like I was losing something important as we walked out of my house.
She sent a quick text to the guys, letting them know that she would meet them at Drake’s old house in a few minutes. I drove her to his house since Amber had dropped her off the night before and she didn’t have a ride. The drive to his house was silent, but it wasn’t awkward.
“I’ll go with you,” I told her when I pulled up to the house.
“Really?” she asked, surprised that I’d made my decision already.
“Yeah. I figure, why the hell not? I could use a vacation.”
She smiled at me. “Thank you. It means more to me than you know.”
“Yeah, yeah. Don’t get all emotional on me. Guys hate shit like that.”
She playfully stuck her tongue out at me. “My bad.”
We both stared at each other, unsure of how to say good-bye.
“Thank you for last night,” I finally said.
“What are you thanking me for?” she asked, confused.
“For being there when I needed someone and for showing me that things will get better.”
“If you ever want to talk, just call me. I mean it. I’ll listen.”
“I know you will.” I reached out and cupped her cheek. I pulled her closer and kissed her softly. “Be safe.”
“I will.”
She was gone after that. I watched as she walked to Drake’s front door. Once she was safely inside, I turned the car around and drove back to my house.
I spent an hour staring at the television before Amber finally made it home. When she saw me sitting on the couch, she approached cautiously. I winced, realizing that she was probably afraid I would start yelling at her again.
“I’m sorry for yesterday, Amber. I shouldn’t have yelled at you like that,” I said as I shut off the T.V.
“It’s okay. I knew you were upset, but I kept pushing you.”
“It’s not okay, not by a long shot. You didn’t deserve to be yelled at like a dog.”
“So, how are you today?” she asked.
“I’m…okay. Well, I’m not okay exactly, but I will be. I talked with Jade last night, and she made me realize a few things. It’s just hard, you know?”
“I know. If there’s anything I can do to help you, you’ll tell me, won’t you?”
I nodded. “I will, I promise. Everything just hit me at once yesterday, and I lost my cool. Seeing them get married made me realize that I wouldn’t get a second chance with her. It hurt like a bitch, but I’m glad I’m finally seeing the truth.”
She leaned over and hugged me gently. “I love you, Logan. You’re like a brother to me. All I want is for you to be happy.”
“And I think of you as an annoying little sister. I love you, too, kid. I promise, I’ll be okay. Now that I’m seeing things from the right perspective, I can move on. I promise that the old me will come back.”
“Good. I’ve missed him.”
We chatted for a few more minutes before I told her that I wanted to go to my room for a while. She seemed to understand that the one thing I needed more than anything right now was alone time. She left me alone once I was in my room.
I dropped down onto my bed and stared out the window. The last twenty-four hours had been eye-opening for me. The world didn’t look the same today as it had yesterday. I knew I wouldn’t be okay today or even tomorrow, but soon, I would go back to how I used to be. I vowed that I would stop using women the way I had before. It wasn’t right, and I knew that my guilt from using them was part of my problem. I had to let all of that guilt and regret go, so I could move on.
“When you come back, I’ll be a new man, Jade. Maybe then, I’ll be ready for something more.”
It took me a long time to feel like myself again after that day, but I did it. I’d suffered for months. One minute, I would feel almost human. Then, the depression would take hold, and I’d start to spiral out of control again. I forced myself to keep moving forward, and I tried not to think about the darkness that seemed to take over sometimes. When I was at my worst, I would think about Jade and what she’d said to me the night of Chloe’s wedding. I had to keep going, and I had to move on if I wanted any kind of future with her.
By the time Jade made it back to me, I was a different man. I still loved Chloe—I probably always would—but now, it wasn’t an all-consuming fire. It was more like a small flame. She was happy with Drake, and for the first time in a long time, I was starting to find happiness, too.
Thump. Thump.
This is for you, Dad—for being a controlling, abusive, arrogant fuckhole who did nothing but screw me up.
Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump.
This is for you, Mom—for sitting around and watching as he tried to break me. You should have been on my side instead of hating me for driving a wedge between the two of you.
Thump. Thump.
This is for you, Bethaney—for being the one who was loved while I went through hell. Even if it wasn’t your fault, I can’t help but feel anger toward you sometimes.
Thump. Thump. Thump.
This is for you, Chloe—for breaking Logan so bad that I don’t know if I’ll ever have a chance with him.
Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump.
This is for you, Mikey—for all the times you tried to control me. I can’t be controlled or contained. My stepdad tried for years, and he never managed it.
Thump. Thump. Thump.
This is for you, world—for fucking me over every time I turn around.
Thump. Thump.
Thump.
Thump. Thump. Thump.
Thump.
Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump.
My drumsticks hit the drums one last time, and the crowd roared as the song ended.
Fuck you, world.
Sweat coated my body as we ended the last concert of the tour. I was sticky and gross, but I didn’t give a damn. The adrenaline pumping through my veins made me feel invincible. As I stood to walk offstage, I glanced back at my drum kit longingly. She’d been my best friend for the past year, and I wasn’t sure how I felt now that I wouldn’t be with her every night. Good God, I need to get laid before I start whispering sweet nothings to my foot pedal.
Drake finished up with telling the crowd how fucking awesome they were just as I reached the edge of the stage. I could hear the crowd, most of them female, screaming and begging for us to come back onstage—or more like, begging Drake to come back. I didn’t know how Chloe did it. Those bitches knew he was married, but they didn’t seem to care. Night after night, show after show, they would continue to throw themselves at him. He’d gently push them away as they tried to climb on top of him. It was gross, and it made me want to vomit.
Chloe never said anything in front of the guys or me, but I knew it caused tension between Chloe and Drake. It would cause tension in any relationship, but she had known what she was getting into when she married him. She’d seen it happen all the time when they first met, but now, it was amplified tenfold. I knew that both of them were relieved now that the tour was officially over.
We’d played for almost nine months straight. I was exhausted, and I knew the guys were too. I couldn’t wait until we were big enough to have a say in our tour dates. For now though, the label was concentrating on making us as big as possible, and so far, it seemed to be working. Just as I’d suspected, the U.S. tour had been a huge success, so the label had lined up a U.K. tour as well. Thankfully, they’d decided to keep it to three months instead of six, like the U.S. tour. I was exhausted. Now that the U.K. tour was over, all I wanted to do was get back to L.A. and sleep for ten years.
The guys followed me offstage. Without missing a beat, Drake walked
straight over to Chloe and picked her up. I couldn’t help but grin at the way she squealed. He brought his mouth down onto hers, and the rest of the world was lost to them. I felt a little twinge of jealousy as I watched them. Out of all of us, I always thought it would be Eric who settled down first. He was the…calmest one of our group. Adam and Drake were the man-whores, and I was the one who didn’t have any emotions whatsoever, so Eric had been the obvious choice. Instead, Drake had traded in his man-whore card for a certified and sealed Chloe card.
I was happy for them most of the time. I really was. Drake deserved some happiness, and Chloe was one of the nicest girls I’d ever met. I tried to tell that to the jealousy running through my veins, but it still reared its ugly head. I couldn’t help it. Sometimes, I hated that they were so happy while I was alone and miserable. Maybe if they hadn’t fucked Logan over so hard, I’d be with him now. Maybe I would have been in his arms at this very moment. So many maybes.
I growled in aggravation as I walked past them and down the hall to my dressing room. I had it bad for Logan. I knew it, and after our talk before I’d left for the tour, he knew it, too. I just wasn’t sure what would happen once I saw him again. Truthfully, I was kind of scared to see him again. It had been over nine months since I saw him last. He’d been a wreck then, and I wasn’t sure what I would come back to. We’d texted and talked a few times, but I could never gauge his mood.
As soon as I closed the door to my dressing room, I sagged in relief. I loved this life, but it was always so fucking loud. The only time we would have any peace was when we were on the bus, traveling from show to show. Even then, it would never be completely quiet. We’d been working on our next album as we toured, trying to figure out which of our old songs we wanted to use while working on new ones as well. I didn’t know how many times I’d thrown my pillow at Eric and Adam because they had been playing their fucking guitars at four in the morning while I had been trying to sleep.
Peeling off my clothes, I walked to the back of the room. I fucking smelled, and the shower in the back of the room was calling—no, screaming my name. I turned on the water and waited until it was scalding to jump in. I moaned in relief when the spray hit my back. I took my time with scrubbing every inch of my skin before shutting off the water. I wrapped a towel around myself and stepped out into the chilly room. Goose bumps rose on my skin, and I shivered as I walked over to where I’d left my clean clothes earlier.
I dropped my towel, and I pulled on my jeans and a loose-fitting Escape the Fate T-shirt. I’d had it for years, and it was worn in places, but I didn’t give a damn. It was comfortable, and after wearing a miniskirt and a practically see-through, skin-tight shirt all night, my body was begging for comfort. I was slipping my feet into my favorite pair of Converse when my dressing room door opened. I looked up to see Chloe poking her head in.
“Hey, the guys are ready to leave. They wanted to know how much longer you might be,” she said.
I smiled as I finished tying my shoes. “I’m ready. I had to shower. I could barely stand to smell myself.”
She laughed. “I wish Adam would take a fucking shower. He chased me down the hall earlier when I told him he smelled like ass.”
I shook my head as I opened the door the rest of the way and followed her out. One thing was for sure—Chloe fit in perfectly with the band. Adam tried to give her a hard time daily, but she never let him get to her. Instead, she would come back with a smart-ass remark that would leave his mouth hanging open in shock. Eric thought the world of her, and so did I. She just…fit. I couldn’t even bring myself to be mad at her for hurting Logan—well, most of the time. Sometimes, especially when I was PMSing, I would get a little pissy with her. The guys, like the good little boys they were, had quickly learned what times of the month to avoid Chloe and me. All it had taken was one freak-out from Chloe when Adam had eaten all of her chocolate, and they had all gone running to their bunks.
The guys were a little ways down the hall, and Chloe and I hurried to catch up with them. Drake caught sight of us and stopped to wait. As soon as Chloe was within grabbing distance, he tugged her to his side and kissed her forehead. His hair was wet, and I noticed Eric’s hair was, too, so at least those two had had the common sense to shower.
I watched as Chloe leaned into Drake and kissed his chin. I could see why the girls went wild for him. His dark eyes had a way of pulling you in—that was, if you could see them. Most of the time, his shaggy black hair would cover them. He had piercings in his eyebrow and his lip as well as a few tattoos poking out of his shirtsleeves on both of his arms. He was built, and if I didn’t think of him as my own blood, I might be attracted to him.
Eric and Adam were just as attractive. Adam would use his looks to his full advantage, trying to pick up every chick from L.A. to London. His hair was dyed an electric blue and styled in a Mohawk that stood several inches high. He’d worn it like that for years. His eyebrows were both pierced twice, and he had a set of snakebites. He also had several tattoos on his arms, chest, and back. I knew them all by heart since I’d seen him shirtless enough times. The boy hated wearing clothes.
Where Adam went for shock value, Eric was the opposite with his looks. His hair was styled the same as Drake’s, but it was a light brown. He didn’t have any piercings at all. The only rocker thing about him were the tattoos on his arms, and there weren’t many there. He would pick up a groupie from time to time, but it was nothing compared to Adam. Eric had always been the quiet one, the thoughtful one, but I’d seen glimpses of another side of him. I would try not to dwell on it too much, but I knew Eric had a history.
“I’m ready to get the fuck out of here and on a plane home!” Adam shouted as we approached the doors that led outside.
“Me, too. I love you assholes, but I’ll be glad to get rid of you. There’s only so many months I can spend locked on a fucking bus with guys,” I said.
“Aw, I thought you liked to cuddle with me, Jade,” Adam joked.
“And get an STD on contact? No, thanks.”
Eric, Chloe, and Drake howled with laughter.
“Dude, she just handed your ass to you,” Drake said as he opened the exit doors.
I squinted my eyes once I made it through the doors. People were lined up along the barricade from the doors to where our bus was parked. Most of them had cameras, and every single one of the flashes hurt my eyes. I blinked a few times, hoping to get rid of the spots dancing in front of me. When they cleared a bit, I smiled and started walking toward the bus. Most of the fans were interested in Drake and the guys, but a few called my name. I signed a few things and posed for pictures as we slowly made our way to the bus.
Once we were free from the grabbing hands, I threw the bus door open and hurried inside. Drake, Chloe, and Eric followed, but Adam wasn’t with them. We looked back to see him kissing some chick like he was about to lift her skirt and take her right there in front of everyone. Chloe rolled her eyes.
Eric barked at him, “Adam! Let’s go!”
He released the girl and frowned at Eric, but he finally started walking toward the bus. Once he was inside, our driver, Andrew, pulled out of the lot.
“You guys ruin all the fun,” Adam joked as he dropped down onto the couch.
“Do you want to fuck a groupie or sleep in your own bed?” I asked. He opened his mouth to reply, but I shook my head. “Don’t answer that.”
He laughed. “Jealous, Jade? Come here, and I’ll make it all better.”
I rolled my eyes as I sat down on the other side of the couch. Adam was one big, perverted pickup line, but I knew he never meant what he said to me. I’d known him for years, and he never once tried to sleep with me. I counted my lucky stars daily. The guy didn’t know how to keep it in his pants.
“Please go shower before we get to the airport. I don’t think my stomach can handle your ass-smell through a twelve-hour flight,” Drake said. He sat down on one of the chairs and pulled Chloe onto his lap.
�
��Fine,” Adam grumbled. He stood and started walking to the back of the bus.
Once he disappeared into the tiny bus bathroom, I sighed in relief. Adam was a lot to handle. I leaned back into the plush black couch and relaxed. I looked around the bus and smiled. We’d come a hell of a long way since our first tour bus. The bus Drake had rented for us wasn’t bad, but it just wasn’t in the same league as this one. This one was twice the size of our original one. A large black couch took up a good portion of the front of the bus with two matching chairs sitting across from it. While our bunks were no queen-sized beds, they sure had a lot more room than the ones we’d been in before. I could actually roll over without face-planting into the wall or falling out of the bed.
Adam came out of the bathroom just as we pulled up to the airport. After climbing out of the bus and grabbing our bags, we bypassed security and walked straight to the label’s private jet. It was almost the same as the one the label had originally sent to West Virginia before we even signed with them. Five seats were on each side, and in the back, two couches were situated directly in front of two flat-screen televisions mounted on the wall.
The first time we’d stepped onto a plane like this, the entire band had been amazed at the extravagance of it. By this point, we were used to it. Things had changed so much since then. I’d barely had enough money to pay bills before we left West Virginia. Now, I had my own place in L.A. where the rent was more than three times the amount of the old place I’d shared with Eric. Money wasn’t a problem anymore. That was probably my favorite thing about signing with the label. After spending years of just barely making it, it was nice to buy what I wanted.
I settled into one of the seats and hooked my seat belt. The rest of the band and Chloe did the same as we waited for takeoff. Once we were in the air, I took off my seat belt and reclined my seat until I was almost lying down. I took the blanket Eric handed over and threw it on me. Within minutes, I was asleep. Lucky for me, Logan was waiting for me behind my closed eyes.
Toxic: Logan's Story Page 7
