by Riley Scott
“What?” Chris asked, feeling awkward under Raven’s scrutiny, no matter how gentle and sweet.
“I just want to look at you and enjoy this,” Raven said, her voice low and hoarse, as though the words were difficult to express. “It’s tender and for me, that’s rare. It’s pretty fucking awesome, honestly.”
Chris’s heart beat faster, hearing the underlying meaning. “What’s rare about it?” she asked, hoping she wasn’t prodding too far.
“You,” Raven answered, her voice barely above a whisper. “You are rare and the way you make me feel whole is rare. I’m enjoying every single minute of it.”
“Me too,” Chris said, simultaneously both touched and undone by the simplicity in Raven’s words.
“You know I wouldn’t admit it if it wasn’t true,” Raven said, bringing her lips to softly touch Chris’s forehead. “I really do enjoy my time with you.” She paused for a moment, leaving them both in silence. “I care,” she added after a minute, but stiffened as soon as the words escaped.
Chris wanted to let the conversation unravel, but she knew if she did, the moment would pass. “Me too,” she said. “And I guess you’re not so bad yourself,” she added with a playful giggle, thankful when Raven broke the silence with a laugh.
Leaning in to tangle herself up in Raven’s kisses and embrace once more, she let the serious moment fade, hanging on to the fact that Raven was on the same roller coaster as she was—even if Raven couldn’t or wouldn’t name it.
* * *
Out on the town for a change, a steak dinner followed by a visit to a local Colorado brewery set the perfect atmosphere for a laid-back night out. And Chris relished every minute. She let the mountain air and altitude of the Mile-High City take her to another place and time, a place with no stipulations on what she should and shouldn’t feel. Instead, she focused on the effect of the beers swimming in her brain and the feeling of Raven’s hand intertwined with her own, knowing that, at least for now, everything felt wonderful.
The final stop of the night was a small locally owned hole-in-the-wall called McDaniel’s. Though Chris had eyed the place skeptically with its clientele of burly men and tough women, it lived up to Raven’s description. It was quaint and lively. And it was a one-eighty from their lifestyle. In the corner on a makeshift stage a local band played country music and their lead singer belted out honky-tonk tunes. It was a hoedown, but Chris didn’t care.
“It’s kind of nice, isn’t it?” Raven asked, leaning in, her breath cascading across Chris’s ears and igniting a fire across every inch of her body.
“It is,” Chris said, knowing exactly what she meant. “The change of atmosphere is a little refreshing.”
They laughed and watched as locals sang along and two-stepped across the floor. The scene was lively and it was impossible not to let their own excitement build. Raven tugged on her hand as the band started to play a Garth Brooks cover.
“Dance with me,” she said, enjoyment bubbling with every word.
Chris glanced over at the lovely woman holding her hand and caught her contagious smile.
“I don’t know how to dance to this,” she said, protesting slightly, but when Raven raised an eyebrow and tugged on her hand again, she knew she was done. There was no resisting. “I’ll give it a shot,” she said, letting Raven drag her across the room to the dance floor.
Taking notes from other couples, they positioned their hands and began to move to the music. Chris breathed in deep, enjoying the closeness and lingering in Raven’s sweet scent. Halfway through the song, she felt more than heard the watchful eyes and cameras clicking around them, causing her steps to falter and then stop altogether.
“What’s wrong?” Raven asked, cocking her head to the side in concern.
“Don’t you care what they’ll say?” she asked, recalling Frank’s words about being careful.
Raven shook her head, smiling wider and again placing her hand on the small of Chris’s back. “Let them say what they want. Let them sell the pictures. Let them do whatever. We’re having fun and we’re allowed to do exactly that.”
Chris smiled, taking Raven’s words to heart and resuming her dancing. Even if Raven wasn’t comfortable voicing all she seemed to feel, her actions defied her normal shroud of secrecy and spoke them loudly enough for all to hear.
Chris was right where she belonged—happily in Raven’s arms. She felt the sweaty man bump into her backside before she saw it.
“Excuse me,” she said turning around, suddenly eye to eye with a shaggy, blond-headed man, whose bloodshot eyes were as off-putting as was his whiskey-soaked breath.
“No excuse needed for a hot broad like yourself,” he slurred, stumbling backward before forward. “What do you say I make it so that you don’t have to dance with another woman? You can dance with a real man instead.”
“No thank you,” Chris said, leaning closer into Raven’s arms.
Not taking “no” for answer, he stepped closer, grabbing her hand and pulling her in his direction. Chris stiffened and tightened her arm, holding her ground.
“I believe I made myself clear,” she said, maintaining a smile, but wanting to punch him in the face.
“You just don’t know what you’re missing,” he said, smiling at her like a cartoon villain. “Trust me. I’ve got moves she’s never even dreamed of. I’ll make you happy.”
“I’m gay,” she said, shaking her head and yanking her arm back to her side.
“That just means you haven’t found the right man yet.”
“Enough,” Raven said, stepping around Chris to stand in between the two of them. “Leave her alone.”
“I wasn’t talking to you,” he said, grabbing Raven’s shoulder to push her out of the way. Raven grabbed his hand before it could connect with her skin and shoved it back downward to the floor. “Don’t touch me and don’t touch her.”
“Your girlfriend is a bitch,” he sneered, looking around Raven to look at Chris one more time, nodding his head and winking in her direction.
“Go to the bar, grab another drink and then maybe we’ll talk,” Chris said, pointing in the direction of the bartender.
“No,” he said, “you’re what I want right now.”
“Too damn bad.”
“You’re stubborn,” he said, his grin growing as he raised his eyebrows. “I like that in a lady. It shows they’ve got enough fight to be good in the sack.”
“She’s my girl,” Raven said, giving no further warning and throwing a quick right hook to the man’s face. “Let’s go,” she said, turning back to face Chris as the man stumbled back into the wall.
Everyone stood staring. Chris froze until Raven took her hand, rapidly leading her out of the bar. “We’re getting the hell out of here in case that creep has buddies or something.”
“Okay,” Chris agreed, keeping pace with Raven’s quick steps. She tried to wrap her mind around all that had transpired, but the only thing she could focus on were Raven’s words. “My girl.”
Chapter Fifteen
“Oklahoma City, I’m about to share something special with you all tonight and we’re going to end the show with a bang,” Raven shouted onstage, gaining the cheers of thousands. Chris stood proud, watching as Raven unearthed the deepest parts of herself for the crowd. Chris knew that she now had better control of her emotions during the new song, so that she could give a heartfelt performance without being overcome. That was the last thing Raven wanted and she had perfected walking the fine line. “It’s a bit of a love song,” she added. “A love song to yourself.”
An eerie silence fell among the crowd as she strummed the opening note.
“ERIN!” a voice from the crowd called out loudly. “I’ll always love you!”
Raven looked up, bewilderment written across her face.
Chris’s heart sped up and she watched helplessly, wanting to come to Raven’s rescue. Someone knew. She wanted to scan the crowd to see who had called out the name but the crowd seeme
d unfazed. Not wanting to cause a stir, she remained still, her eyes never leaving Raven. To her surprise, Raven closed her eyes and continued to play, perhaps needing to get these words out in the open now more than ever. Chris’s head was spinning, but around her all was calm and she breathed a sigh of relief.
Raven performed beautifully, maintaining her composure despite the outburst from someone who knew her true identity. She sang the words with grit, focusing on a place just above the heads of the audience. Leveling her gaze to the back of the crowd from where the voice had come, Raven sang with gusto the last haunting words, “…words I never heard.”
As she left the stage, Chris felt pride again swell within her. Raven had handled the truly awful situation like a champion, never letting on that she was bothered. Chris knew otherwise, though, and knew she would need to unwind after the show. Leaving her seat, she walked quickly to the dressing room backstage.
She paced around the room until she heard Raven. Nervously, she took a deep breath. Uncertain how Raven would handle the situation, she knew she was going to have to be the strong one and help her get through this.
“Hey,” she called as Raven entered the room. “Want to go back to the bus, and I’ll make you a drink?”
Raven’s eyes flashed with fire as she looked around the room. “No, thank you,” she said curtly. Making her way to the counter, she grabbed a bottle of tequila, popped off the lid and took three big gulps.
“Can I do anything?” Chris asked, walking over to put a hand on Raven’s shoulder.
Raven shook her head, pursed her lips and attempted to breathe normally. They were still standing in awkward silence when the door opened behind them, causing Raven to jump as though she had heard a gunshot.
It was just the guys from the band and Paul came up behind her. “I called off anyone coming to join us for an after-party tonight. Are you good with that?”
She nodded and let him pull her into a hug. “Thank you,” she said, her voice just above a whisper. “I do want some people to come over, though. I know who I want. I’ll call them.”
Without another word, she disappeared out of the dressing room, leaving the three guys and Chris standing around the table, all wordlessly staring wide-eyed, unsure what to do.
“What now?” Chris asked, looking at Paul.
He raised an eyebrow, as if to ask Chris silently if she knew the significance of what had happened out there. She nodded in response, causing him to take a deep breath. Clearly, it was not a secret Raven handed out to many.
“This has never happened before,” Paul said. “So, I’m going to be by her side and let her do her thing. If she has partygoers she wants to have at the bus, I’m going to support it. If she wants alone time, I’ll give that to her. If she wants to go out, I’ll go with her and not leave her side. She’s vulnerable right now, but I will let her make her own decisions.”
Chris nodded as she felt her phone buzz in her pocket. Looking down, she saw Brittany’s picture flash across the screen. It was late and she knew it must be something important, but she put it back in her pocket. She had to deal with this first. Not only was the woman she cared about hurting, but this was also a situation that could blow up badly, making things worse professionally.
On her walk back to the bus, her phone buzzed with a text message. She pulled it out and read the text from Brittany. “I know you’re probably busy, but this is important. Please call as soon as you can.”
“I have to take care of this,” Chris said, pointing to her phone. “It won’t take long. I’ll be back.” She didn’t want to leave, but she knew that Brittany wouldn’t have said it was important if it wasn’t.
Brittany answered after one ring.
“Hey,” she said, sounding out of breath.
“Hey, what’s wrong?”
“It’s Paco,” Brittany said and Chris could hear a distraught sob.
She felt her body tense. “What’s happened?”
“He was hit by a car,” Brittany said, now crying freely.
Chris felt like someone had knocked the air out of her lungs. Sliding down the side of the bus to a sitting position, she wailed. She heard very little else Brittany said and Chris assured her that it wasn’t her fault. It was Chris’s fault. She was the one who had ditched her dog and her best friend for months on the road. She was the one who had taken his happy loving home and turned it upside down. She thought of the way he was always right by her side.
She listened to the details. Brittany had been out. Paco had busted through his dog door and dug out of the backyard during a thunderstorm. Not used to being off leash, and running hysterically, he had made it several blocks before being hit. Someone had found him and called the local vet who called Brittany. They were too late.
Comforting Brittany, she promised to call her the next day. Chris should have been there, she thought. She should have done something differently. Overcome by grief and guilt, she hung her head.
Letting her phone slip from her hands, she buried her head into her knees and cried, remembering all of the times he had been there to pick her up when she was sad—the way he had snuggled close to her side on each of the lonely nights after Renee left, how he’d lick her gently on the hand and provide a quiet presence when she cried, the way he had been her little heart healer when her father had died.
The call from her mother had sent her into shock. Unable to do anything other than stare at the wall in disbelief and cry for hours, Paco had stayed by her side, never wavering or moving even to go outside. When she didn’t want to see anyone for weeks, he provided her with the companionship she needed. When she had a bad day at work or felt the stress of never meeting her mother’s expectations, he was there—always there. There was no love like the unconditional love of a dog. Her tears fell and she wished more than anything, he could be there to crawl up in her lap and lick her cheek one last time.
She let the memories roll, from the day she brought him home to the day she had left on this assignment. Clutching her chest, she was pretty sure she could feel her heart actually break in two. A few people passed by her and entered the bus. She felt as if she had been beaten and she couldn’t take on anyone else’s pain at the moment. She was engulfed by grief and loss. Paco was her family. He was her loyal companion. She couldn’t imagine him gone, especially knowing how he had gone.
Finally, she stood, drying her face, knowing that she had to go inside. Breathing deeply, she leaned against the side of the bus once more to steady herself. Somehow hours had passed. She hadn’t been missed.
The guys were gathered around the couch. When they looked up at her, their conversation hushed.
“Are you okay?” Paul asked, noting her streaked mascara.
She just shook her head “Where’s Raven?” she asked.
The guys looked at each other, transparent in their hesitation. They didn’t have to say anything. She wasn’t sure how many people had come inside, or if they were male or female, but whatever was happening, Raven was with them. Was she using or fucking…or both?
She felt the sting, but her heart couldn’t actually absorb any more pain. Shaking her head, she walked away from them. “Have a good night,” she called out as she walked to her room. She looked at Raven’s door as she passed, wanting to ask what was going on, but she resisted, too defeated by the day’s events to care too much.
She threw open her bedroom door, wanting to fall into her bed and cry herself to sleep. Her jaw dropped and her heart plummeted. She stood transfixed, unable to look away.
Her entrance had done nothing to still the three writhing bodies on her bed. She looked around the room and saw piles of clothes, g-strings and tight tops. She saw the drug paraphernalia on her dresser. She watched as Raven was pumping in and out of one woman while another was taking care of her. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw the red flashing light of a camera.
Her practical side took over. She walked in, grabbed the camera and walked out, slamming the door as she ex
ited. She didn’t care if they heard her and she didn’t care if they continued. None of the rest of it mattered right now. She was heartbroken and the last thing she needed was a sex tape leak of her client. Fuming, she took out the video card and threw the camera into Raven’s room, letting it smash against the wall. She locked herself in the bathroom and flushed away the evidence.
Of all places, Raven had to choose her room. She let fresh tears come again. She was a spoiled, fucked-up diva. Having her cover blown had rattled Raven. She had chosen the typical route—lash out and hurt the one who cares so she didn’t have to feel her own pain. Maybe she needed to shut herself off and experience something wild, so she found someone else.
Or she needed to reinforce her anonymity. Whatever it was, it was fucked up. And even more importantly than that, Raven should have been smart enough to see the camera.
Chris shook her head, wanting to be anywhere but where she was, but she was trapped. Eventually, she heard the women’s voices coming from the end of the hallway. Goodbyes were said, but Chris couldn’t bring herself to move. Of course, she wanted to be alone in her room, but it was tainted, and provided no sanctuary at all.
She could overhear Raven’s chatter with the guys, her words overly animated and tumbling out of her mouth far too fast. Chris wanted to scream. Raven was going to have to grow up at some point and face her life as an adult.
Raven’s footsteps approached the doorway of the bathroom and Chris could hear her ask the guys who was inside.
“Who else?” Chris thought, biting her tongue to silence her seething anger that wanted nothing more than to lash out at the one who had been so callous, so cold and so insistent in bringing upon her own destruction.
There was a knock on the door and she didn’t want to move. Cognizant of occupying the only bathroom in the place, she took a look in the mirror and attempted to wipe what remained of her mascara off her face. She took a deep breath and vowed to be the bigger person in what was to follow.
Without a word, she opened the door.
