“It is above board!” Steve exploded. “It is totally fucking above board!” Mike and Kurt traded uneasy glances once more. “It may not be as formal as the process we usually go through and it may not be strictly routine but why the fuck should I care about that?” he demanded heatedly. “You think I should go by the book? Do what I can to preserve Mcarthy’s dignity? Did he give a fuck about any of that when he purposely set Danny and Ryan up? It’s a fucking god damn circus down there, thanks to Mcarthy!” Steve fumed. “Why should I give a rat’s ass about his dignity?”
“Because,” Kurt replied softly, “you are the president, and Gregg is a senior. It is highly irregular to summon a senior in the first place. I’m not saying you shouldn’t do it,” he added quickly as Steve glared at him, “but you want to be careful . . . .”
“No, Kurt! NO!” Steve interjected. “Fuck that! All semester long I’ve been doing the right fucking thing! Trying to be fair and not play favorites, despite what everybody thinks! But it’s over! He has pushed me too far. I might be the president, but I am also Danny and Ryan’s big brother and right now, they come first!” Kurt and Mike just stared at him and Steve did his best to collect himself. When he next spoke his voice was more controlled, but it carried a menacing tone, the likes of which his friends had never before heard from anybody. “He’s going to pay this time, Kurt!” he lowered. “One way or another, this time, that sorry, no good mother fucker is going to pay! Do you hear me? He’s going to pay! Tell him that for me!” With that, Steve opened the door and stepped into the hallway, shutting it hard again behind him and leaving his two best friends in a rare shell-shocked silence.
File Nine
Indecision
“Indecision is like a stepchild: if he does not wash his hands, he is called dirty, if he does, he is wasting water.”
-African Proverb
“Uncertainty will always be part of the taking charge process.”
-Harold Geneen
“Now what?” Mike finally broke the silence.
Kurt shrugged. “I guess we have to go down there and give this to Mcarthy,” he answered hesitantly, “but I think we ought to at least put it in an envelope first.” He began to fish around in Mike’s desk for the desired item.
“I don’t like this, Man,” Mike responded uncomfortably. “I mean it’s not like I have any real sympathy for Mcarthy, but he IS a senior. I don’t know; the whole thing just doesn’t feel right.”
“Well, I don’t like it either,” Kurt returned, “but it’s what Steve asked us to do, and he is the president as well as our friend.”
“He’s playing with fire,” Mike persisted.
“Well, what do you suggest we do about it?” Kurt snapped. “He’s within his rights to summon Gregg. Lord knows that slime sucking sludge slurping bastard has it coming!”
“I know, Man, but Steve’s not thinking straight at all right now! This isn’t the kind of thing he’d do if he was: not this way! He is emotionally exhausted; his temper is short, and he is just not in his right mind! That could spell big trouble for him, Kurt!”
“So you think we should go against his request?? Not summon Mcarthy?” Kurt’s eyes flashed. “Don’t you think he’s been through enough without us second guessing him?”
“Well,” Mike replied hesitantly. “I’m not saying we should go against him exactly . . . .”
“Then just what are you saying?” Kurt demanded, his guard fully up. Steve had been his best friend since freshmen year. They had been through a lot together and Kurt knew things that even Mike didn’t. Protecting Steve was always at the forefront of Kurt’s mind. This proposal of Mike’s smelled an awful lot like betrayal, and Kurt would not have that.
“Relax, Man!” Mike returned irritably. “I’m not saying go against him. I’m just thinking maybe we could make a couple of phone calls first.”
“Phone calls to who?” Kurt inquired warily, but as Mike looked up and met his eyes, he knew what his friend was getting at. He continued to hold Mike’s eyes, pressing his lips together thoughtfully as he mulled the suggestion over in his mind. “It’s risky,” he ventured quietly, at last.
“It’s risky if we don’t too,” Mike replied.
That was true. Kurt was silent for another moment. “Ok, Man,” he said finally. “You might be on to something.”
“Can’t hurt to ask, right?” Mike intimated hopefully.
“No,” Kurt replied softly. “We’ll have to do this carefully, of course, but it definitely can’t hurt to ask.”
“Do you think Steve will be mad?”
Kurt hesitated. “No, I don’t think so,” he replied. “Not if we handle it right.” A gleam appeared in his eye. With the right plan in place, the idea of being the bearer of Gregg Mcarthy’s bad tidings was anything but unappealing. Mike met Kurt’s now smirking expression with a simper of his own. “Come on,” Kurt suggested, “let’s go make those phone calls.”
File Ten
The Lecture
"The era of procrastination, of half-measures, of soothing and baffling expedients, of delays, is coming to a close. In its place we are entering a period of consequences."
-Winston S. Churchill
"True remorse is never just a regret over consequences; it is a regret over motive."
-Mignon McLaughlin
Steve re-entered his room quietly, closing the door as softly as he could behind him, and leaning against it as he tried to gather his resolve. Matt looked up from the bed where he was still sitting with Danny. “Did you get the information you wanted?” he asked quietly.
Steve shrugged and tears filled his eyes. All his younger brothers had quieted, now, for the most part, and Steve did his best to force down the lump in his throat. This business with Mcarthy seemed somehow unimportant all of a sudden. He looked across to where Ryan was still on his knees in the chair, and sighed deeply. It was time to get this over with. “Come here, Ry,” he called softly.
Ryan turned to look at his big brother, and sagged in the chair as Steve met his eyes and indicated the bed. He buried his face on his arm, biting his lip, and rubbing his eyes against his sleeve in an attempt to get himself fully together. Finally, however, he got to his feet and made his way over to the bed. Danny, at Matt’s gentle urging, sat up to make room for him and Ryan settled gingerly between his two little brothers. Kevin still had his face hidden on the bed, and Ryan’s hand went automatically to the top of his youngest brother’s head.
Steve took his chair from his desk and sat down facing them. For a moment, he just looked thoughtfully at them, and Ryan and Danny squirmed under his gaze, still wiping occasionally at their silent tears and avoiding their big brother’s eyes. “Do you guys understand why you are in trouble?” Steve asked finally in a soft voice.
“Yes,” Danny choked, “but I don’t really understand why Mcarthy’s not.”
Steve continued to look at him without answering for a moment. He knew he had to handle this carefully. The summons he had issued for Gregg just now had nothing to do with his involvement in the fight Danny and Ryan were being punished for, and even if it had been related, Gregg was a senior. It was, therefore, even more inappropriate for Ryan and Danny to know of the pending punishment. That realization hit him hard and his stomach began to curl as he thought of what he had just asked Kurt and Mike to do. He had reacted in the moment and, now he realized, he had made a bad decision. “Mcarthy is a bully, Danny,” he continued softly at last, “and he can be very mean sometimes, but there are no rules against picking on younger members of the house. I know he’s a pain in the ass, but unless he throws a punch, that’s all he is.”
“Well, it’s not fair!” Danny sulked, looking away again and brushing at his tears.
Steve was quiet again for a moment. He seemed to be weighing something in his mind. Coming at last to an apparent resolution, he directed his attention to his youngest brother. “Turn around, Kev,” he commanded firmly. “Turn around and loo
k at me. I want you all to hear what I am about to say.” Danny and Ryan glanced uneasily at one another as their little brother obediently took his face out of the comforter, and turned to face Steve. He sat on the floor at Ryan’s feet, hugging his knees and looking tearfully up at the president as his older brother’s hand trailed absently through his thick, sandy, brown hair.
Steve looked back at him, his expression reflecting all that he was feeling at the moment. “I am very proud of you, Kev’bo,” he started softly. “You’ve done everything we’ve asked of you and then some these past few weeks. This is not about you right now, but since you are here, I want you to listen to what I have to say. Listen and learn from it.”
He looked now at his other two little brothers and Ryan looked down, pressing his fingers to his eyes. It was so hard to see the disappointment in Steve’s eyes, and know that he was the cause of it. “Do you remember the talk we had a week or so ago?” Steve asked gently. “When we were all trying to explain things to Kevin?” Danny and Ryan nodded; they didn’t dare try their voices. “Remember how we talked about setting a higher example?” Danny bit his lip and squeezed his eyes shut. “Well, the same situation applies here,” Steve reprimanded softly. “You are my younger brothers, my successors. People look to you for the example they will follow.”
As gentle as Steve’s tone was, his words stung, and both his younger brothers began to sob again despite their efforts. “From an academic standpoint,” Steve continued, his heart in his throat, “I could not be more proud of either of you. You’ve both busted your asses to get where you are, and you are both near the top of your class. I have nothing more to wish for in that respect. Behavior wise, however, you consistently push the boundaries.”
“Like when??” Danny challenged. “When have we ever pushed those boundaries except for the fight?”
“Well, the fight was a big one for sure,” Steve replied ironically, “and I believe it occurred because, in the back of your minds, neither of you thought I would actually summon you.” There was a long pause as Steve waited patiently for his brothers to absorb the significance of what he had just said. Matt too waited, looking at his little brother with quiet approval.
“Ok!” Danny huffed, finally, breaking the silence. “Maybe you’re right, but those were special circumstances. It’s not like we go around picking fights all the time.”
“No, I know that,” Steve replied softly, “but there are other things.”
“Like what??” Danny wept.
“Oh come on, Danny,” Matt started to intervene. He thought the question perfectly silly, and the answer rather obvious, but Steve held up his hand, signaling his big brother to let it be.
“It’s a fair question, Matt,” he asserted. Matt pursed his lips, but he did not say anything further. “They are little things, Danny,” Steve continued gently, “little things that add up to a big fundamental problem.”
“Such as???” Danny demanded between sobs. Matt’s eyes glittered dangerously now, but Danny’s eyes were on Steve and he didn’t notice the scathing glare his oldest brother sent in his direction.
“Well for starters, that tone you are using right there. You and Ryan both have a tendency to be a bit mouthy when you are unhappy and things aren’t going your way.”
“That is so not true!” Danny returned indignantly, but Steve ignored him and continued.
“There is also, at times, a lack of proper deportment during house meetings.” Steve looked particularly at Ryan as he said this, but Ryan refused to look back at him. Unlike Danny, he knew deep down in his heart that what their big brother was saying was true. He reddened in shame and covered his face with his hands. He could not bring himself to look at Steve at all. “You change the chore roster around to get the jobs you want,” Steve chided, doing his best to keep a straight face at this particular thought, and even Matt had to turn his head as he too fought to contain his amusement. This was a bit of mischief of which he had not yet heard. “Then, you often skip out on them,” Steve went on, and Danny colored. This was undeniably true. He and Ryan just hadn’t known that Steve knew they were doing it, or maybe, Danny suddenly realized with shame, deep down, they had known they were taking advantage; they just hadn’t cared. “I know for a fact that, on occasion, you have both snuck things into the house you weren’t supposed to have, and you regularly play music a little too loudly, even during the house quiet hours; sometimes you interrupt people’s sleep and study time.”
“Sometimes, we have good reason,” Danny grumped. He shifted his eyes and swiped at his cheeks as Steve and Matt both raised their eyebrows at his intimation. He knew he was stretching it, but he couldn’t help it. It had just come out. The room adjoining Steve’s room, where discipline sessions were conducted, was a mostly soundproof room. It had been a sitting room when the house was first built. Contributions from generations of Bull Dogs had revolutionized it and made it into the mostly soundproof room it was today.
The soundproofing was not complete unfortunately, though, because anyone in the president’s room could still hear what went on through the door. Even more problematic, was the system of vents that connected this room with certain other rooms in the house. To get around this, those rooms were generally occupied by the brothers or close friends of the president, people the president trusted to maintain a high level of decency and discretion. This year, those rooms were occupied by Danny and Ryan whose sensitive hearts never tempted them to listen in on more than they could help, and who most times made a supreme effort to be out of their rooms when they knew a session was scheduled to occur. It was their efforts whenever they did happen to be in their rooms that Danny was now referring to.
“I never conduct discipline sessions during the quiet hours, Dan,” Steve replied in a scolding tone. “You know that.”
Danny hung his head. “Yeah I know,” he choked, “but we always turn it down if someone asks us to.”
“But they shouldn’t have to ask, Danny,” Steve chastised gently. “Those are the rules.”
“Are you going to punish us for all these things?” Danny sobbed.
“No Bud,” Steve soothed. “It is not any one of these individual things that you are being punished for. It is the general lack of respect for the rules that they collectively represent that has got you in trouble today. I have been consistently looking the other way on all these things,” Steve’s voice cracked slightly, “because they are little things. No one but Mcarthy and company has been complaining, and you are my little brothers . . . .” Steve’s voice caught once more and he had to pause before continuing. “I am convinced now, though,” he went on finally, “that it was the confidence you gained from pushing these smaller boundary lines successfully that resulted in the disastrous encounter with Mcarthy. Neither of you thought for a minute what the consequences might be because in the end you didn’t really believe there would be any, and that’s my fault,” he concluded sadly.
“No! Now, Steve, I will not have that!” Matt could no longer contain himself. “This is most definitely not your fault. I understand the point you
are making, but this is college, and the choices Danny and Ryan ultimately make are theirs. You are here to guide them, not tell them decisively what to do. They know the rules. They can choose to abide by them or not, and if they choose not, then they have to be prepared to accept the consequences like everybody else.”
“You’re right!” Ryan sobbed as he began to see fully for the first time, the difficult position he had been putting his big brother in. “ I’m sorry! I’m so sorry!” He took his hands from his face and looked beseechingly at Steve.
“It’s ok, Bud,” Steve assured, his heart melting.
“No!” Matt replied. “No, it’s not ok!”
“Matt,” Steve started pleadingly; he couldn’t stand the anguished look on his little brother’s face.
“No, Steve, this is what always happens,” Matt asserted more matter-of- factly than sharpl
y. He then turned back to Ryan and Danny, and Steve brushed at the corners of his eyes. “I know that you’re sorry,” he softened his tone as he looked into Ryan’s agonized face, “but you have to understand the position you have been putting Steve in. All semester, he’s been under pressure from certain members of the fraternity.”
“Matt, please,” Steve tried again.
“They need to understand how serious this is, Steven!”
“They do, now. I’m sure they do.”
“Do they?? Do they understand the significance of what has happened here? With little to no thought, they attacked a senior!”
“We might give some consideration to who that senior was and just how many people wanted to do exactly the same thing,” Steve mumbled.
“It doesn’t matter!” Matt exclaimed. “It doesn’t matter who it was! This fraternity simply does not put up with that crap after freshmen year! And they are your brothers, your successors, as you were saying! Ironically,” Matt looked once more at Danny and Ryan, “if you were anyone else you would both have been out on your asses three weeks ago! And, I’ll have you know, even your status on the team and in the house would not have been enough to keep you here if it weren’t for the very deep affection your brother has for both of you!”
“Matt, please!” The stricken look on the faces of both his little brothers as Matt lit into them was more than Steve could take, but Matt as usual would say his piece, and as his big brother continued, Steve looked down, biting his lip and pinching the bridge of his nose hard.
“Steve and I have spent many hours in council these last few weeks,” Matt went on determinedly, “talking about the appropriate consequences for each of you, and it has been very hard on him! He’s been thinking about little else and I know he hasn’t been sleeping much. The decision was much more difficult than either of you probably knows. Since the beginning of the semester, Steve has been accused by Mcarthy, among others, of playing favorites, and of being too lenient with the two of you. As the president want to be of the house, Mcarthy, of course, knows the rule book and The Code backwards and forwards. You cannot imagine how much grief Steve has taken from him! All the same, eviction never once crossed his mind as a valid option!” Matt paused and his manner softened a little as Danny and Ryan both fell completely to pieces. “Nor did it cross mine,” he added gently. “You are good kids, and it is perhaps true that Steve needs to be a little stricter with you, but it is your responsibility not to put him in those types of awkward positions to begin with, understand?”
The Fraternity Files Page 25
