I was silent for a moment, before I looked up, without the smile this time.
“Are you alright-” he started, but I spoke before he said my name again.
“I don’t think I can be close to you, Luis. Every time I look at you, I feel so completely undone."
His eyebrows scrunched together with concern.
"I'm sorry, Jen. I didn't mean to cause you any pain."
“It’s not your fault,” I whispered. He straightened up slightly.
“We have to act like nothing happened Jenny.” He paused. “We don’t have any other choice,” he added, before turning and walking on to the dance floor. I felt my chest ache as he turned away from me.
***
I decided after I closed the studio for the night that I needed to talk to someone. I called my childhood best friend, Ashley. I moved the car seat back and prayed that she answered. She picked up after the third ring.
“Jen? Hey, how are you?”
“Hey, Ash. I’m alright…” I trailed off, trying to figure out what to say.
“Sweetie, what’s wrong?” She always knew when something was wrong without me having to say anything. Her familiar voice brought me a startling amount of comfort. I paused for a moment before describing the struggle with my feelings for Luis. I finished by telling her of our encounter last night.
“Oh, Jenny. I’m sorry. That sounds rough. But you’ve been with Elliot for four years. You love him, don’t you?”
“Of course I do.” I whispered. “But how can I have these feelings for someone else?”
I heard her sigh.
“Jen, it’s natural for people to get feelings for more than one person. It’s happened to me plenty of times.”
“I know that, but this time it’s different. It’s like I can’t control myself around him. I don’t know if I’ve ever felt this way around someone.” I felt terrible as those words escaped my mouth, but I realized their truth as I said them.
“But you did control yourself, Jen. That’s what matters. Besides, you don’t want to be one of those girls who gets sucked in by some suave pretty boy, do you?”
“No,” I laughed. I listened to her mimic what she thought Luis sounded like for a minute, before growing silent.
“Ash, am I a bad girlfriend?”
“No, not at all. From what I’ve seen of you two, you’re a great girlfriend. The fact that you’re questioning that is concerning actually. Does he not make you feel appreciated?”
“Sometimes, but it’s more than that. Every time I try to talk about our future...”
“You don’t think that he’s ever going to get serious, Jen. I know. I’ve been telling you this for a year now.”
“I just thought by now, he would have gotten over his ridiculous hatred for the idea of starting a family.”
“I mean, don’t take this the wrong way, but, you can’t always change people. As much as you want them to feel the same way that you do. You have to go with your gut this time."
By the end of the conversation, I felt a little better, having had my own thoughts validated.
“I’ll talk to you later, Ash, I should make my way home. I’m still at the studio.”
“Alright, I’ll talk to you later. Keep your chin up, sweetie.”
“Thanks a million, Ash.”
I hung up the phone and smiled a little. At 28, she was a few years younger than me, yet has always acted like more of a mother to me. I think she acted this way out of instinct, because she knew that I had lost my own mother.
***
When I arrived home, Elliot was sitting on the couch with a messy-looking sub in his hand. There was another one laying on the table. You couldn’t even have put it in the fridge for me?
“Hey, Jen, where have you been? I was getting a bit worried.”
“Yeah, Ash called me, so I didn’t want to drive while on the phone. Why didn’t you just text me?”
“I did.”
I looked at my phone. “Oh. I don’t know why I didn’t hear it.”
“Well, you drive with loud music most of the time, so that’s probably why. What did ash want?” I hesitated before answering.
“She’s, uh, just having trouble with her boyfriend.”
“Oh? I thought they were doing well?”
“They are, she’s just worried that he isn’t ever going to want to settle down, you know? She’s going to be thirty soon, and she’s starting to wonder about starting a family and everything.” I was relieved that he didn’t actually know that much about their relationship. Ashley and Joe were on the same page with everything. They were the model couple in college, and that had never changed. Elliot made a face, and shook his head a little.
“I get that, but if he doesn’t want to, he doesn’t want to. You know? Not everyone wants a family.”
“Yeah, but don’t you think most people do after seven years? I mean, what else is the point of staying together for so long, if not to start a family, eventually. I mean, it’s not like our internal clocks are very forgiving when it comes to waiting to have children.”
He looked at me, startled. I had lost my interest in voicing my opinion on the subject after he’d shot it down two years ago.
“I didn’t know you felt that way, Jen. Do you feel that way about us?” My heart dropped. I wasn’t prepared for the question. I looked away from him; I hated confrontation.
“I...I mean, not necessarily, El. I just, I don’t know.”
“You know, why does this only come up when you and her talk? Why can’t we just enjoy our lives together without worrying about marriage and kids and all that bullshit?” His voice was rising, and I knew that this was soon going to turn into a yelling match.
“Bullshit? Vowing to love only each other and making a family is bullshit to you?!”
“Why would anyone want to deal with screaming kids all day long?”
“I don’t see how that’s different from right now.” My voice was low, and cold. I was tired of this conversation.
“That’s good, Jen.” he scoffed. “Start insulting me, that’s going to fix this argument. You think your dad having raised you would have put more sense into your head.” My eyes stung instantly with tears.
“Don’t you ever talk about how I was raised, don’t you ever talk about that again. You have no idea how I grew up. You, with your perfectly whole family, you’ve always taken it for granted. You have no idea what it feels like to have never felt that. Fuck you, Elliot.”
I turned on my heel and walked swiftly over to the door.
“Where are you going, Jen. Come on.” His voice sounded whiny to me suddenly. I couldn’t think.
“I’m just going for a drive or something. I need to clear my head. Just leave me alone.”
Without another word, I stormed out, slamming the door behind me. I leaned against it for a moment, before running to my car. I started to dial Ashley’s number in my phone, but stopped. I backspaced, slowly, and started to dial a different one. A familiar, warm voice answered the other end. I breathed heavily.
“Jenny? Hey, is everything alright?” His voice caressed my nerves instantaneously.
“I need to clear my head for a little while. I don’t want to talk about it.” I paused.
“Do you want to go somewhere?”
“Sure, but it’s pretty late, where do you want to go?”
“Anywhere.”
“Meet me at my house. I know this little park near my house. I think you’d like it.”
“I’ll see you soon.” I hung up the phone and started the car.
When I reached his house, he was already waiting outside. I walked towards him after locking my car, and he was leaning against his with his hands in his pockets. As I got closer, he stood up, keeping his hands in his pockets. I looked up at him and stopped.
“Can we walk there?” He nodded and motioned for me to follow him. As we walked, he commented on my locking my door, though it was tucked into his driveway. I talked about my l
ife growing up in the big city, my mother, and he told me about his father. When we got to the park, he asked more questions. I hated talking about myself, normally. But his responsiveness had lulled me into a comfort I had never known.
I stopped talking when I noticed the park around me, and looked around in bewilderment. It’s tall, lush trees danced around random pieces of sculptures, all seemingly made of glass.
“Wow, what is this place?”
“It’s pretty much abandoned now, but it used to be a courtyard.” He pointed to and named the parts of the buildings surrounding the massive circular courtyard. On further inspection, I realized that the trees and structures had beautiful vines growing all over them, and flower buds dotted them. A singular light stood in the middle of the stone center, and it lightly illuminated the glass artwork. I didn’t notice that Luis was watching, waiting for my reaction.
“It’s….beautiful here.” I said, breathlessly.
He smiled and took my hands.
“I’m glad you like it, Jenny.” I stared at him for a moment.
“Luis, why are you so kind to me? Are you one of those people who like to seduce other men’s girlfriends, just for fun?”
There was that lonely look again. I immediately regretted my question as he averted his eyes. Before I could say anything more, he glanced back at me.
“No. I’m a little sad that you’d think of me that way. I’ve been trying to keep my distance from you. I don’t want to get between you and your love. Just know that you’ve become someone important to me. And so, your happiness is important to me.”
“Why me?”
He stood silently for a minute before looking up, and directly into my eyes.
“Because I've never felt less lonely than I have when I am around you. I’ve never met someone like you.”
There it was. The feeling that I couldn’t put my finger on. The things I felt inside of me every time I looked at him. I couldn't stop myself, I threw my arms around him and let myself melt into his arms. I gazed up at him and pressed my lips onto his, passionately, urgently. We were in the grass a few seconds later, feeling the naked warmth of one another's bodies. For an hour we laid together, kissing, groping, writhing, exploring.
I couldn't resist it anymore, as I dug my nails into his back, he slid his way over me, his lips tracing my neck. I felt the earth grind against my back as I wrapped my legs around his. He began to enter me, and I gasped lightly.
And then he stopped, I looked up to see that he had been watching me intently. He gently climbed off of me until he was lying beside me. He kissed the top of my head. I didn't have to ask; I knew why he had stopped.
"You know what the worst part about this is?" I whispered.
"What?"
"That this doesn't feel wrong. Even though it is."
He paused for a moment. "Maybe there's a reason." I nestled my face into his chest and breathed in the smell of grass and wind.
***
I was tense the next day. Elliot had noticed the change, and I could tell that it made him uneasy. He shifted uncomfortably as he picked at the Tilapia I had made him. I was staring absently at my plate. He cleared his throat.
“Jen, I’m sorry about last night.”
“Its fine, I’m fine.” My voice sounded mechanical.
“Don’t bullshit me, Jen. You’ve been out of it for weeks. Why won’t you just stay put and actually talk to me?”
“I tried to last night, and you’re always too busy. I don’t feel like I can talk to you anymore. You’re so wrapped up in yourself. There’s no point.” He’d never seen me so emotionless. He began to unravel.
“Where did you go last night?” I didn’t answer him. He asked again, louder.
“Yelling isn’t going to make me talk to you, Elliot. This is what I was talking about. I didn’t go anywhere. I just drove.”
“Jen, you’re the worst liar. You always have been. If there is someone else, please just tell me.” I looked up, my face letting none of the discomposure that I felt show. He looked tired, afraid even. I bet he stayed up all night waiting for me to get back. I softened a little bit.
“Elliot. I can’t do this anymore.” I stood up from the table and disappeared up the stairs.
“Do what, Jen?” His voice sounded strained as he yelled up the stairway. I heard him stomping up the stairs quickly when I didn’t respond. When he walked into the bedroom, I was packing a large suitcase. He rolled his eyes.
“Jen, c’mon. Stop this shit. You’re not actually going to leave. Let’s just save the trips to Ashley’s and work this out here.” I didn’t respond still, and I flinched as he raised his voice, grabbing my wrist. I ripped it away and looked at him fiercely.
“Don’t. Don’t you touch me, don’t you dare. I can’t do this. This charade. You’re never going to want a family. You’re never going to give that to me. You’re never going to change.”
“You knew that about me, Jen. You said it didn’t bother you. I thought we were on the same page!” His voice sounded desperate now. My heart was aching; I focused on pushing my clothes into the suitcase, and zipped it up. I had let it bottle up for far too long to stop.
“I was okay with it. Four years ago. I guess it was stupid of me to think that four years would have changed your mind. That your feelings for me would have been enough to make you want that with me. But it’s obvious to me that you’re not ever going to care about it like I want you to. And I’m not really ever going to not care about it like you want. I’m getting too old to keep wasting my time with someone who doesn’t care enough to want a future with me. Who isn’t afraid of the struggles it might bring, who thinks I'm worth the trouble.” I was fighting off tears as I talked. I couldn’t believe that I was saying this. I couldn’t believe how the more I spoke, the more resolute I felt. I looked at him again. I had never seen him cry before. I turned away, sure that my heart was going to fall out of my chest.
“Jen...don’t. Don’t do this, Jen. I love you. How are you going to just throw four years away like that? Look at me!” I couldn’t bring myself to turn back. I heard the chair he was sitting on scrape behind me, and then he was behind me, wrapping his arms around me.
“Jen, don’t go. We can work this out.” He rested his head on mine, I could feel his chest heaving. Tears started to gush out of my eyes.
“No. We can’t Elliot. I love you, so much. Don’t tell me we can fix this. You can’t fix wanting different things. I’m not going to change for anyone, and I wouldn’t want you to change for me.”
“How can you say you love me and say this, too? Jen I love you, please, Jenny, baby--”
“I’m going to stay with Ashley for a little while,” I interrupted. I did my best to sound sure of myself. I choked back every urge to turn around and make it better. To slap a Band-Aid on it and hope our love would overcome, like I had so many times before. No compromises. Not anymore.
I turned around finally, wiggling out of his embrace.
“I’ll call you. Please don’t call me until then. This is hard enough.” He looked up then, momentarily catching a glimpse of my wet eyes.
“Jen, please--” I turned without another word and walked out the open door. As I started my car, I heard him yelling from the porch.
“If you leave, then you’re no better than your mother, Jen!” I didn’t respond as I sped off, wiping the tears from my eyes.
For every mile that I drove, I didn’t realize how much weight had been on my chest. I breathed deeply, knowing that the words I’d been caging were finally free. I resisted the urge to drive to Luis’ house. I tried not to think about the words which I had been dying to say to him. I tried to not run to him right away, block the image of that loneliness I’d seen in his eyes. The loneliness that wasn’t there the night our exposed bodies touched, almost converging. It started to rain as I turned the stereo on.
I arrived at Ashley’s an hour later, the rain was pouring now, illuminating the only light on in her house. I
rang the doorbell, praying that I wasn’t interrupting anything. The rain began to soak through my clothes as I shifted my bag between my hands. The door unlocked and opened recklessly a few seconds later. Ash was nowhere near as careful as I was, having grown up in a much safer hometown, she was accustomed to fearlessly opening the door to strangers. Ash looked surprised and stepped towards me, her gorgeous burgundy nightgown clinging to her taut frame. She had always been very slender, and I had envied that the way she had envied my curves. My hair hung in my eyes when I looked up at her.
“Hey, Jenny. What’s going on, you’re soaking wet! Are you okay? Come on, come inside.” I picked up my bag and walked inside.
Secrets of the Prairie Page 8
