by Alex Wolf
Fuck.
He was almost sure she had a fake ID. Every damn freshman on the campus seemed to have one, and if they didn’t, someone else would buy the shit for them. He’d pissed her off. She’d probably get wasted now to take her mind off him. He knew she drank heavily. The girl was hungover and smelled of alcohol on the first day of school.
What if she got drunk and something happened? She could end up drugged or raped. Would it be his fault? Not legally, but he could’ve prevented it if he hadn’t run her off. He’d be up all night worried about what he’d done.
Right then, he realized he had to stop sending her signals, flirting with her. This was the exact reason he never should’ve done it in the first place.
He’d led her on. Rejected her. And now she was going to go make a stupid decision because of him. It had to stop. All of it. He needed to cut the shit off, stop sending her mixed signals, and be clear and concise the next time he saw her.
He had to let her know nothing would ever happen between them.
Kristen kept her head down as she walked back to the dorm. Her mind was spinning, and she didn’t know which thought to follow. There was a deep sting in her chest, like someone squeezed her lungs so hard she couldn’t breathe. Anxiety riddled her stomach, and she thought she might burst into tears before she got back to her room.
She’d gotten away from Jordan as soon as she left the classroom, telling him she would text him later. She hadn’t given him her number so she could blame it on miscommunication. What the hell had happened back there?
She’d been rejected, but the thing with Jordan. She didn’t know what had come over her. Maybe it was the fact she wanted to frustrate Grant as much as he frustrated her.
Still, it was childish and inconsiderate. Even though she didn’t think Jordan really gave a fuck. He was just looking to get laid, and if not her, he’d find someone else. It wasn’t like it was difficult to find a fuck buddy for the night at college.
Right now, her heart was shattered. There was no way she could go out later. She’d thought for sure once she’d dropped obvious hints and been straightforward, Grant would jump all over the opportunity. Why else would he subtly flirt with her and change his outfits for her? He said he hadn’t, but he was full of shit.
She didn’t want to go out with anyone but him. And he didn’t want any part of her.
She needed to get her shit together and just focus on school. What was she thinking anyway? It did put him in a compromising position.
She wouldn’t have told anyone though. She’d have been perfectly fine keeping it all a huge secret, taking proper precautions to make sure nobody found out. Why didn’t he trust her? She would have just as much to lose as him. Even if they had a falling out, she wasn’t so shitty as to try and get him fired over it. She liked to play the flirt-and-make-jealous game, but she cared about him way too much to ever hurt him.
The real question was why did he pull back so suddenly? Sure, she heard his excuses, but you wouldn’t lead someone on if you thought that way. Why was he staring at her tits and lingering over her shoulder? Why was he offering to give her one-on-one help when everyone knew there was no way he’d do that for someone else?
She pushed her way into her dorm room, glad to have a few minutes to herself. Maybe have a nice little cry and then pick herself up.
Stefani was seated on her bed with a book in her hands, flipping through like a machine.
God, didn’t she ever go and do anything?
She smiled at Kristen, but it quickly faded when she saw the look on Kristen’s face.
Kristen didn’t like being upset with Stef either. She was a hard worker, and she was always nice to her, even when she thought she was screwing up. She always tried to help Kristen with her problems when she’d clearly rather be studying or doing something else. Kristen didn’t want to be mad at her roommate, but she needed some fucking privacy for five minutes. Was it too much to ask?
“What’s wrong?”
Kristen stood there for a brief moment, staring a thousand yards beyond the room, and her bottom lip began to quiver. She burst into tears. They streamed down both sides of her face.
She couldn’t hold it back any longer. She sat there and spilled the entire story to her roommate.
She sobbed as she spoke, and Stefani rose from her chair and put her arms around her.
“I’m sorry.” She squeezed Kristen in a hug, but Kristen wasn’t feeling much comfort in her words.
Kristen wanted to tell her friend that there was so much more to the situation than what she was able to say, but she couldn’t find the right phrasing to do it. How could she make her understand when she didn’t fully understand herself?
“I don’t understand what the problem is with a professor dating a student? We’re both adults.”
Stefani leaned her head on Kristen’s shoulder. “I had a crush on one of my professors, too. Then I found out he’s married, and I had to get over it.”
Kristen stared up at her blankly. “Really?”
Stefani nodded. “Yep.”
“That does make me feel a little better.”
Stefani frowned.
“No, no, not that he was married or whatever. I’m saying, gah—” Kristen damn near started crying again. She never cried and hated herself even more for that. “I mean it’s nice to know I’m not the only person crushing all over a professor.”
Stefani nodded. “Oh, okay. Yeah.” She stared at Kristen and smiled with a shrug. “It’s hard when there are all these good-looking men on campus who have their shit together, and we’re supposed to go out with the ones who don’t.”
For the first time in a while, Kristen laughed. A real, genuine laugh. Stefani had a point. A damn good one too. She felt a sense of relief. She’d thought Stefani stayed in their room like a hermit all day and did nothing but study, and then study some more. It was nice to know even the conservative girl who didn’t seem to even notice guys had suffered from the same affliction.
“You’re absolutely right.” Kristen smiled. It was nice talking to Stefani, and actually having a conversation. She’d assumed she was sitting back, judging the situation the entire time when really she could relate to her.
She made a mental note not to judge people or size them up as quickly as she had. Stef was a good friend and the best roommate she could ask for.
Maybe that was what was so attractive about Professor Wiseman. Kristen hadn’t been able to put her finger on it, but Stef hit the nail on the head. He was already established in life and had his shit together. That, and he had icy-blue eyes behind a hot set of glasses and a fucking body like a Greek god. And he was broody, and protective, and jealous. He was the ultimate alpha professor. The kind you read about in romance novels but didn’t exist in the real world.
“It still hurts, though. Why would he do that to me? He broke my heart like it was nothing.” She shook her head as she looked out the window.
Stefani nodded once more. “I know it hurts, and I think that was a shitty thing for him to do. I think you should move on, though. You don’t have to waste your time on a guy who’s going to be wishy-washy. You can’t trust someone like that.”
Kristen nodded. She knew Stef was right, as hard as it was for her to believe it. She’d have to push through the pain and move on. She couldn’t waste her time with a man who didn’t want her.
He’d basically told her there was no way they could be together, too. It wasn’t like he was unsure or thinking about it.
Nope.
It was steadfast—final. Maybe there was a hot senior out there, or better yet, a grad student who was heading places and looking for something long-term. One that was even hotter than the professor.
“So, what do I do? I’ve never been rejected like this before.” She still had tears in her eyes, and a thick lump formed in her throat.
“Why don’t you go out tonight? I know you said you don’t want to, but trust me, that’s the best way for you to get o
ver him. Jordan’s a decent enough guy. Just go have fun and remember you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. But it’ll definitely take your mind off things.” Stefani smirked. “Jordan’s not that bad to look at either.”
Kristen tried to smile. She had to agree. Jordan was good looking and seemed sweet, and she wouldn’t mind fucking him. He was probably decent in the bedroom, too. But he wasn’t Professor Wiseman. Something inside of her just simply wanted what she couldn’t have, like it was a wired reaction and part of being a human.
She should be happy someone like Jordan even asked her out. A lot of girls on campus would die for a date with him. But she wanted what she wanted.
“All right, but I’m not going out very long. I’ve got other things to do. I don’t have time to be moping around about some crush, anyway. I’ll just have some fun with Jordan and his friends for a bit and call it a night.” She rose from the bed, walked over to her closet, and opened the door, scanning her clothes for something that might look good. “Hey Stef?”
“Yeah?”
“Thank you. Seriously.”
Stef nodded. “No problem.” She looked Kristen up and down for a quick second. “Why don’t you wear something of mine? You want to look good, and it might help if you have something different than what you normally wear.”
Kristen grinned. It was the first time Stefani had offered to loan her clothes, and it was nice that she’d taken the time to try and make her feel better. Stefani was very particular about clothes.
She didn’t have much, but what she did have was adorable.
“Really?” Kristen’s eyes widened, and she raised her eyebrows.
Stefani chuckled as she walked over and opened her side of the closet. She flipped through everything and grabbed a leather jacket. “You’ll rock the shit out of this. Turn every head in the club.”
Kristen took the jacket with a smile. “Thanks. I’ll take good care of it.” She slipped it on and looked in the mirror, trying not to criticize herself too much.
Stefani stood behind her and smiled. “You look smokin’. Maybe you’ll find someone even better than Jordan.”
Kristen smiled. “It does look good.”
“Good? You wear that jacket, and you call the shots. It’s made for a boss.” They both cracked up.
“Is it okay to ditch one date for another?”
Stefani gave her a mischievous look. “You can do whatever the hell you want. Especially if the other date is hotter. Is it even a date?”
“I don’t know. It really sounded more like he was asking me to hang out with a group.”
“There you go. Take your pick.”
Kristen sat there, smiling. She was glad she’d decided to open up and tell her roommate about what’d happened. Kristen hadn’t thought it would go anywhere near this well.
She was so used to keeping things to herself that she never opened up to anyone.
She could still feel anxiety in her stomach when she thought about Wiseman, but it was a little less than before. She would need to move on at some point, and better sooner rather than later.
Kristen took her time pairing her jeans with boots and finding the right shirt to wear with the jacket. For a minute, she entertained how nice it would be if Wiseman happened to see her out somewhere while she looked hot as fuck in Stef’s jacket and the rest of her outfit.
She scolded herself for the thought. The last thing she hoped was that he was suffering the way she was. She didn’t want that for him, and she’d probably already worried him. She could tell by the sound of his voice he was disappointed when she’d left with Jordan.
As mad as she was, she wanted him to be happy.
She stared at herself in the mirror one last time. Damn, she did look good. And while she didn’t want Wiseman to see her, she definitely wanted to turn heads at the bar. It would remind her that she was still desirable to some men. Maybe she would go back to Jordan’s place with him. Or maybe Stefani was right and she’d find some other hottie to take her home. And she’d forget all about her professor.
If Wiseman didn’t want her, that was his loss, not hers.
She didn’t have the time to worry about it.
But one thing lingered on her mind. She knew if another man fucked her tonight, she’d most definitely be pretending it was the professor.
Grant paced back and forth. He was restless, stalking first to his living room, then back out to the kitchen. He ended up in the bedroom and didn’t even remember where all he’d been. His dinner sat untouched on the table, already cold from neglect. She’d disrupted his entire routine, and he was usually a creature of habit. He would go home, have dinner, grade any papers he hadn’t finished at the office, then maybe read or watch something on television, if he didn’t have any other plans.
He had few visitors in his life—no surprises. Apart from Hank stopping by earlier in the week, he couldn’t remember the last time he had anyone over. He liked it that way. If life was predictable, he knew what came next. Knew how to handle it and what to expect.
As he ran his hand down the curtain, Grant’s mind drifted to Mercedes Hutchins, a young woman he’d known when he was in college. Her parents wanted to give her a name that would be different. Little did they know, twenty years later it’d be a fairly common name. But then again, it was California, so it didn’t surprise him that parents named their children after luxury cars.
Grant hadn’t thought about Mercedes in years. She was one of the only women he’d ever fallen for. They were young and in love, so to speak. He’d dated other women and always thought about whether they might be the one for him in the beginning, but nothing ever came of it. Mercedes was different though. He truly thought he might spend the rest of his life with her. He was an idiot back then.
They’d followed the usual path of social encounters—dating, sex, falling in love.
Like all young relationships in high school, they began to talk about schools and after-high-school plans. She was accepted at one college. He would be going to a different school. They would be thousands of miles apart. It seemed a lifetime away for them while they dated, at least it’d felt like it, until the time had finally come.
As the time came, it became very emotional for them. The sex was more than sex. They were both in love, though they’d refused to admit it to one another. They didn’t want to break up and didn’t want to think about it. They put it off until the day before she was supposed to leave.
They had a long conversation the night before Mercedes was going to school.
“This sucks.”
“I know,” said Grant.
“What are we going to do?”
“What can we do? You’re going.” His voice was dry and raspy, but he refused to cry in front of her.
“I don’t want to go. I have to.” Her head angled to the ground. “What about us?” The word hung in the air.
“Us? There is no us, is there?” He looked over at her as he spoke, expecting her to have some sort of answer that would solve all their problems. But she didn’t have a response right then. She just sat there. They’d never even acknowledged they were dating out loud.
What were they?
They were having sex. They went out often. They were on the phone all night long.
Mercedes shook her head. “I don’t know. Friends? Two people having fun to pass the time? What would you call it?” She looked over at Grant with expectation in her eyes, but he lost his nerve.
There were so many things he’d wanted to tell her. Things he wanted to ask her. Things he had blatantly assumed about their relationship that evidently wasn’t the case. She’d just admitted they weren’t anything but friends.
He shrugged and turned away as he looked across the football field, wishing the pain in his chest would go away. His heart constricted thinking about it, and no matter how much air he took in, it felt like he couldn’t breathe. It wasn’t the same excitement they’d had in the beginning. His life was over. He couldn�
�t live without her. He wasn’t the same person.
“Are you going to date at the new school?” He shouldn’t have asked her that, but he couldn’t help it. A jealous rage came over him at even the thought of her being with someone else. He was the only man she’d ever been with, and likewise for him.
They shared something, and he didn’t want to lose it.
“I’m sure you’ll have someone new before me.” She chuckled half-heartedly at her joke, but Grant could see the same pain in her eyes. He had to look away.
Nothing could stop the passing of time, and neither of them were ready. The sun was coming up, and the sky turned gray.
They had sex for the last time. Then she got up, grabbed her things, and left.
She’d called when she landed in Florida, but that was one of the only phone calls he received. They drifted apart fast. Too fast. He figured she’d replaced him the second she got there.
He was wrong.
Six months later, she wrote him a lengthy letter detailing her pregnancy. One she’d found out about right before she went to Florida. She’d wanted to tell him before but couldn’t figure out how.
She’d meant to tell him everything as soon as she got to Florida, but for some reason, she hadn’t been able to bring herself to do it—kept putting it off. She met someone else shortly after. It was fireworks from the beginning, and she decided to terminate the pregnancy before her new fling found out. Grant read through the letter several times in disbelief, shocked at what he saw.
She’d taken the life of his unborn baby, all without telling him. She’d made decisions that affected the outcome of his life, stating it was all because they weren’t officially in a relationship when she’d left. If he’d just told her he loved her and wanted to be with her, maybe it would’ve all turned out differently.
Because of that, he lost his chance at having a family. He lost his chance at love. He gave up on the hope of ever finding something like that again—it’d crushed him.
