“No marriage, no children, no family.”
“Your job doesn’t allow you to—”
“No, no…it was my choice at first. With long hours and traveling so much, I knew I wouldn’t make a good wife. Certainly not according to the standards I’d grown up with. And then later on, when I was in my thirties and actually considering marriage…” She forces a stiff smile. “I sometimes say that fate dealt me a bad card—but perhaps it was because of my past.”
“What happened?” I say this and instantly regret it. “I mean, I totally understand if you don’t want to tell us…”
“I became sick.” She looks directly at me now, and as if she’s not completely comfortable saying this in front of my dad, she lowers her voice. “A female kind of sickness. It resulted in the inability to have children—ever. And that’s when I decided it would be unfair to any husband in my future. And so I have remained single.”
Her finely arched brows lift. “Free to do as I please, go where I like. Eat dinner in or out. Date a variety of men or simply stay home and read a book. And truly it’s not so bad. Some of my married friends are quite envious.” She smiles sadly. “You see, I am a truly modem woman.”
By the time we’re finished with dinner, I feel like I really know her. “Will you still be in town tomorrow?” I ask as we’re leaving the restaurant.
“I can be.”
“Would you like to come to our house?” I ask suddenly. “I can fix dinner. I’m not the greatest cook, but I—”
“She’s a good cook,” my dad assures Jin.
“That sounds lovely.”
“My best friend lives down the street, and she really wants to meet you,” I explain. “Would you mind if she came too?”
She laughs. “Not at all. I would love to see where you live, Kim. And I would love to meet your friend.”
So it’s all arranged, and my dad even offers to pick Jin up on his way home from work. And when we get home, I immediately call Nat, fill her in on all the details I can remember, and finally tell her the good news about tomorrow night. And she is ecstatic. “I can’t wait to meet her. She sounds so cool.”
“Maybe you can come over early and help me?”
“No problem.”
“I really want to do this right,” I explain. “Jin is kind of sophisticated, and I think she’s used to the best, you know. I just really want everything to be as perfect as possible.”
Nat laughs. “And to think this was the girl who didn’t want to meet her birth mother.”
“Yeah, yeah…It’s weird, I know.”
We chat a little longer then hang up, and I sit down to write all this in my diary. Even as I write, I feel like it’s hard to wrap my head around what happened tonight. Just thinking that the classy woman we had dinner with was actually my birth mother, that I have this authentic genetic connection to her. Well, it just seems a little unreal.
Then reality kicks in, and I realize it’s Sunday and I need to get some letters for my column done. I wonder if I should tell Jin about this secret part of my life. I mean she is, after all, my birth mother, and she lives so far away. Like who would she tell? I decide to run it by my dad first. But I think it would be cool if I could tell her. I think she’d be impressed. And for some reason I want to impress her. Is that weird?
Dear Jamie,
I totally hate going to school and would do anything to avoid it. I keep asking my mom to let me do homeschool instead, but she says to forget it. The reason I hate school is because of these girls who always pick on me. It’s like I’m their favorite form of entertainment—all they do is try to embarrass me and make my life completely miserable. Sometimes I actually want to kill myself. What should I do?
Hopeless
Dear Hopeless,
This is so wrong! And I am so sorry that you have to suffer like this. You need to talk to someone about what’s going on. And you need to do it NOW. First you need to tell your parents. And then you need to make an appointment with your school counselor and tell her/him exactly what’s going on, hopefully with your parents present. Tell about specific instances, and give names. It’s up to the school to make sure that you are safe there. If they can’t protect you from bullies, maybe your parents should consider homeschool. I suggest you let them read this letter.
Just Jamie
Seventeen
Monday, March 12
Nat and I went to the grocery store after school today. I had no idea what we were going to fix for dinner, but I wanted it to be something sophisticated.
“No Hamburger Helper tonight,” I told Nat as we cruised the aisles with an empty grocery cart.
“Pasta?” she suggested.
“I don’t know…”
“Well, you don’t want to fix something that’s tricky,” she warned me. “That could blow up in your face and be really embarrassing.”
I was trying to remember what my mom used to do when Dad was having an important business associate over for dinner. I know she did roast sometimes, but I think that took a long time to cook.
“How about fish?” Nat asked as we walked by the seafood section.
“Fish?” I paused with the cart and looked at the various types of fish behind the glass case.
“Can I help you, ladies?” asked a short man with white hair.
“I’m not sure…”
“She’s having a special guest for dinner,” Nat started to explain. “But she doesn’t know what to cook.”
He smiled. “We have some nice Atlantic salmon.” He pointed to a bright orange piece of fish.
“I’ve never cooked fish before,” I said.
“Oh, it’s easy. I even have a recipe right here for baked salmon that almost anyone can make. I have the seasonings all mixed up and everything.”
“Really?”
“It only takes about twenty minutes to bake.”
The next thing I knew we were getting salmon, and this old guy was recommending what we should have with it. And I have to admit, it did sound easy enough. Small red potatoes that “only take twenty minutes to cook,” he told me. “Just put them in when you put the salmon in.” Then he recommended a green salad with some special touches and finally told us about a special gourmet bread that would be nice with the salmon. “It’s from a new bakery in town.”
“What if I mess this up?” I said as we waited in line at the cash register.
“We’ll just order in,” said Nat.
“Should I get some flowers?” I asked as I noticed some bouquets right by the register.
“Why not?”
So I picked up a pretty arrangement of irises and laid them on top of my other groceries.
“Special night tonight?” the woman at the cash register asked as she started to ring up my purchases.
“It’s for her mom,” Natalie told the woman.
For some reason that rubbed me wrong, and I tossed Nat a look.
“I mean her birth mom,” she added, as if that made it better.
Now I’m sure I was glaring at her.
“Well, that’s nice,” the woman said as she handed me my change. “I bet my kids will never do anything this nice for me.”
“Sorry,” Nat told me as soon as we were out of the store. “My mouth just kind of ran away with me.”
“It’s okay.”
“But I don’t see why it should bother you, Kim. I mean, she is your birth mom. It’s no big deal.”
“I know,” I told her as I put a bag in my Jeep. And while I did know this, I also knew that something about that conversation bothered me. A lot. And it had to do with my real mom. The one who isn’t here anymore. I suddenly felt disloyal to her. And when the cashier mentioned how her kids never did anything like that for her, it got me thinking about how I never did anything like this for my mom. Not really. And that hurt.
“You’re being quiet,” Nat said as I pulled into my driveway. “I hope I didn’t really offend you.”
I shook my head and turned off t
he Jeep. “Just thinking.”
We took the stuff inside and started putting it away. But as I moved around in Mom’s kitchen, I was feeling worse than ever. I know it sounds crazy, but I felt like I was cheating on my mom. Cheating on her in her own kitchen.
“This is wrong!” I finally said, tossing down the paring knife so it stuck into the cutting board.
“What?” Nat actually jumped.
“Fixing this fancy dinner for Jin. It’s so wrong.”
Nat frowned. “Why?”
“It’s disloyal to my mom.” And now I started to cry.
“Oh, Kim.” Nat set the lettuce she’d been washing down into the strainer and came over to me and gave me a hug.
“I feel like I’m—like I’m cheating on Mom.” I sobbed now. “Like I should’ve fixed a dinner like this for her when she was here and alive. And instead I’m doing it for Jin—the woman who—who threw me away eighteen years ago!”
Nat patted my back. “She didn’t throw you away, Kim. She made a really, really hard choice so that you could have a really, really good life. She made it possible for your mom to have you. Jin gave your mom the most precious gift possible. Your mom never would’ve had you if it hadn’t been for Jin.”
I stepped back now, reaching for a paper towel to wipe my nose. “But why does it feel so wrong then?”
“Because you love your mom. And you miss her. And that’s perfectly natural.” Nat shrugged.
“But that doesn’t really explain it.”
“Maybe you feel guilty because you like Jin too. I mean, you didn’t want to like her. You didn’t even want to meet her.”
“I know…”
“So somehow you’re twisting things up in your head. You’re thinking that just because you like Jin and want to treat her well…that it somehow means you love your mother less.”
I nodded. “Yeah, I think so.”
“But that’s not true. Do you know how proud your mom would be of you right now, Kim? Can you imagine how she’d be smiling to see that the daughter she raised is fixing this nice meal and using the good china and even putting flowers on the table? That would make her so happy!”
I considered this. “You know, I think you’re right.”
“Of course, I’m right.”
Now I studied Nat for a long moment. “And when did you get so smart, Natalie McCabe?”
“Guess it was the school of hard knocks.” She gave me a lopsided grin.
Then I hugged her again. “I’m so glad you’re helping me tonight.”
Then Nat said that she thought we should take a couple of minutes to pray, to ask God to put His blessing on the evening and to make sure that all went well. And that’s just what we did.
And amazingly—or maybe not so amazingly when you consider our prayer—things did go well. The food came out just like the little old guy promised. Even my dad was impressed.
“This was an excellent dinner,” he told me as we were finishing.
“Thanks.” I grinned at him. “Natalie helped too.”
“Not much,” Nat said quickly. “I was just the cook’s helper.”
“How did you learn to cook like this?” Jin asked me.
I shrugged. “I guess I’m still learning. But my mom taught me a lot.”
“I don’t know how to cook,” she admitted.
“Really?” Nat looked stunned. “Not at all?”
“Not at all. I eat my meals out or order food to bring home.”
“Wow, that must be nice,” Nat told her. I could tell that Nat was impressed with Jin. And I couldn’t wait until Nat and I were alone and she could tell me what she really thought.
“We have a very light dessert,” I announced, “since I know from last night that Jin doesn’t care much for sweets.”
“And we’ll be serving that in the living room,” Nat added. “Actually, I’ll be serving it.” She looked directly at me. “You three can go and make yourselves comfortable.”
I kind of blinked. “Well, okay.”
Then Nat took orders for coffee and tea, and I asked her if she was sure she wanted to do this on her own, and she insisted.
“You have a lovely home,” Jin said as Dad and I walked her into the living room.
“Thank you,” my dad told her. “We enjoy it.”
“It is so much larger than my apartment in Puson. But large places are very expensive in the city. And besides, I am only one person, and I am not even home very much.” She picked up the leather briefcase that was sitting on the hall tree. “I want to give you some photographs, Kim.”
So we sat on the couch and looked at old pictures of some very formal-looking Korean people. It was hard to imagine that these strangers were actually my relatives. Then finally she showed me an old black-and-white photo of a girl about my age.
“She looks like Kim,” my dad said.
“My mother.”
I studied the photo, the serious eyes, small chin, broad cheekbones. “She does look a little like me.”
“She was considered very beautiful,” Jin told me. “Many men wanted to marry her. And her parents were wealthy, so they could be choosy.”
“Did she love her husband?” I asked.
“I think she did. Although they had been married for many years by the time I was born. It is possible they were simply accustomed to each other. It was not the sort of thing they spoke of.”
“Here we go,” Nat said as she carried in a tray with four neatly arranged bowls of raspberry sorbet, adorned with the mint leaves we’d picked earlier from my mom’s little herb garden outside the kitchen. “I’ll be right back with coffee and tea.”
“Does this mean we have to give you a tip?” my dad teased.
Soon we were all eating dessert, examining the photos, and visiting like we’d known each other for years.
“It is so wonderful to finally see you,” Jin said to me as we put the photos away. “To see what a fine young woman you have grown to be.”
“And she plays the violin beautifully,” Natalie said suddenly. “You should hear her.”
“I would love to hear,” said Jin. “Is it too much to ask?”
“Come on, Kim,” my dad urged.
So off I went to get my violin. Fortunately, it was already tuned. I warmed up a bit, then played a couple of classical pieces. I was so caught up in my playing that I wasn’t paying much attention to my audience. But when I finished, Jin was crying.
“I am so proud of you,” she said to me. Then she turned to my dad. “You and your wife are to be praised. You have done a beautiful job.”
My dad looked a little misty eyed just then. He paused, looking at me, then looking back to Jin. “It was as if we were given this young tender shoot. We weren’t even quite sure what we were supposed to do with her. But we loved and nurtured her the best we could, and she thrived and grew—” he shook his head now, almost as if in disbelief—“and blossomed into this amazing young woman we see today.”
I giggled. “My head is going to be so big that I won’t be able to get through the doorway.”
Jin frowned and my dad explained the corny metaphor, which made her laugh.
“But seriously,” I said, still standing, “God deserves some credit too.” And then, quite out of the blue, I began to talk about how lost I’d felt just a few years ago. I told about how I started this journey, searching for who I was. First thinking that I needed to find my ancestral roots but coming up empty. Then attempting to find myself in Buddhism but only feeling more lost.
“It wasn’t until I gave my heart to Jesus that life started to really make sense,” I told Jin. “And I thank God I figured that out when I did.” I shook my head. “I never would’ve survived losing Mom without that.”
Jin seemed to be considering this.
“And I watched Kim going through all this,” Nat added. “I can tell you that this girl is a changed person.”
“So while my parents deserve a ton of credit for raising me right,” I said
, smiling at Dad, “and while Jin can claim a connection to me through DNA, it’s because of God that I am who I am. And I’m really thankful for that.”
We talked some more after that. Mostly Nat and I asked Jin questions about Korea and the places she’d traveled. Nat even asked her about where she shopped for clothes.
“You’re so stylish,” Nat said.
Jin looked slightly embarrassed. “To use an American term, my girlfriend says that I am a shopaholic.” She held her hand over her mouth. “And I’m afraid it is true.”
“Well, I’d sure love to go shopping with you,” Nat said.
I nodded. “Yes. Nat wishes she could be a shopaholic too.”
We all laughed.
Finally it was getting late. “I have an early morning flight,” Jin told us. “It is probably time for me to go.”
“I can drive you back to the hotel,” I offered. Dad and I had already prearranged this idea as a way for me to have the last few minutes with Jin.
“And I’m on clean-up crew,” my dad said.
“I’ll help,” offered Nat.
So they told Jin good-bye, and I drove her back downtown in my Jeep.
“Kim,” she said as I pulled up to her hotel, “you are an impressive girl. You are beautiful and smart. You play the violin and cook. And you can even drive!”
I laughed.
“No, I’m serious,” she said. “I cannot cook or drive.”
“You don’t drive?” I said, amazed.
She shook her head. “No. In the city, there is no place for a car. I never even learned to drive.”
I patted the steering wheel of my Jeep. “I love driving. And I love my Jeep. I call her Daisy.”
Jin laughed. “A Jeep called Daisy!”
“And can I tell you a secret?”
Her eyes lit up. “Yes! Yes! Please, do. I can be trusted.”
So I told her about the advice column in the paper. “It’s called Just Ask Jamie,” I said. “And about twenty other newspapers have syndicated it.”
She nodded. “You will be rich.”
I laughed. “Well, not rich. But it is fun.”
“Will you send me copies of this column? This Just Ask Jamie?”
“For sure.”
That Was Then... Page 15
