by Amber Burns
When I woke up the next morning Annabelle was not in bed, and I found her wrapped in a dressing gown on the porch outside the bedroom, simply sitting and staring out at the paddocks. I put my arms around her.
“Are you okay honey?”
She smiled up at me and nodded.
“Yes, I am perfectly happy, just haven’t made coffee, I was waiting for you to wake up so we could have coffee together.”
We went to our kitchen together and I brewed coffee while she sat at the table watching. I had taken to doing this, and she seemed to enjoy it. When I handed her a mug of coffee she took it and walked back to the porch, gesturing for me to follow her.
“Let’s go sit outside, it’s a beautiful morning. I really love it here,” she said, collapsing into the soft and deep couch.
She looked across at me as I joined her, she curled her legs up under her and leaned against me and let out a big sigh.
“Michel, how do you feel about kids?” She asked cautiously.
The quiet fear and hint of suspicion I had harbored looking at her physique the night before now sat prominently in my mind as I thought hard before answering her.
“Baby girl, I am terrified of trying to be a father. I don’t know if I can. I had no good example of one when I was growing up, what if I screw up? What if I mess up a child’s life? I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself…”
I lost my train of thought, and I think she saw me stare at her midriff. She smiled ruefully.
“Do you ever think you’ll want to have kids?”
I nodded, “I think so, I just don’t know how to do it, the parenting thing.”
Then she dropped the bombshell I had known was coming.
“Michel, I think I’m pregnant. I have been sick for a few mornings and my period is late. I need to do a test but I am almost a hundred percent certain.”
I drank my coffee, holding the mug with one hand, and tightened my other arm around her.
“If you are, we will do this. We will be fine.”
I frowned, and she laughed, God, it sounded like I was trying to convince myself of that. We finished our coffee and both went inside to get dressed, our saddles being delivered today. Annabelle had to go and see to that test now that she had gotten my nerves on edge. I kissed her as she got in the car and watched her drive off toward Beaumont.
***
As she picked up the pregnancy test in the pharmacy Annabelle’s heart started thundering in her head. She seriously doubted she actually wanted to know the result after Michel’s reaction that morning. Nevertheless, it was a thing that had to be done. She paid while the cashier looked at her sympathetically, walked out, and got back into her car. She took a deep breath and drove home.
At the house Annabelle was very relieved to find Michel not inside and the wedding guests gone. Eva and Art were still around, but not at the moment. She locked herself in her bathroom and took out the plastic stick. She sighed when she sat down, wondering why one could never pee when you most needed to.
It eventually happened, and as the water tinkled over the strip of absorbent material, she quietly prayed, for Michel to have a positive reaction to whatever the result might be. She placed the test on the side of the basin, stood and pulled up her jeans. The bathroom was big enough to pace in, and that is exactly what she did for three minutes.
Annabelle eventually picked up the innocent looking piece of plastic, and pinched her eyes shut while she held her breath murmuring.
“Please God, please…”
Then she looked down at it, and immediately wished she hadn’t. A bright pink plus sign glared up at her. She slid down the wall she had been standing against and sat down on the cold tiles with her head in her hands.
“Oh no.”
The tears flowed freely, and sobs wracked her body, so hard that she could not control them. Annabelle cried so hard she had to crawl to the toilet bowl to throw up.
Still over the toilet is where Michel found her when he came back into the house. She’d opened the door to him when he knocked at it probably twenty minutes after she had gone in originally. When he saw her face he turned pale.
“What’s wrong baby?” He asked, the concern palpable in his tone and facial expression.
She backed toward the basin and leaned there with her arms crossed, pointing toward the blue stick on the basin, and then covering her mouth with a hand. Tear tracks still marking her cheeks, her face a pale shade of green. She watched his face anxiously as he picked it up, and when he simply put it back down, turned to her and pulled her into his arms, she burst into a fresh round of tears.
They left the bathroom and he led her to the kitchen table, where they sat down on the stools, although Michel stood up after only a moment, running his hand through his messy hair and pacing the kitchen.
“Will you excuse me to go for a walk for a moment love? I have a few things I need to just get clear in my head, and I think some fresh air will help.”
She nodded.
“That’s fine, I’m going to make some tea, I feel a bit sick to my stomach myself.”
She wanted to be alone for a while anyway. She watched forlornly as Michel stumbled from the kitchen and out through the door, looking equally as lost as she felt, before sinking her head down onto her arms.
17
I had the weight of the world on my shoulders as I pushed open the door to walk out of the house, and I strode straight out to the farthest paddock, looking to go to the horses. I bypassed the barn and picked up a bucket of brushes to pay some attention to them. When I lifted the catch of the gate, they both came lumbering over toward me, the muscles moving under their glistening coats. I saw tangles in her mane, and set the bucket down, reaching for the Grey girl’s nose.
As I stood there with the curry-comb in my hand and reached for her mane, my heart started pounding in my throat. I leaned against the side of the horse and smelled her soft horsy scent, my body feeling as though it was going completely nuts. Annabelle was pregnant, and I was going to be a father whether I was ready or not. I felt dizzy leaning against her, and she turned to nudge me. The next thing I knew I was sitting on the ground with a horse nose in my face and tears on my own cheeks.
“Men don’t cry,” I said to myself, and stood, continuing to carefully comb knots from the horse’s mane.
I spoke to her softly while I worked.
“I don’t know if I can do this, I don’t want to mess this up for Annabelle, what if I hurt her and hurt the baby?”
I turned and looked into the soulful brown eyes. I realized I hadn’t yet named the horses, and looking at her then I knew she was meant to be called Angel. So I told her.
“Your name is Angel, what do you think of that beautiful girl?”
She dipped her head and neighed. I couldn’t help but laugh at her. By the time I had brushed all the knots from the hair the shakes had stopped and my nerves had calmed a bit, but I still felt heart-sore and doubtful about whether I could do this. I was scared to go back to the house and face my brand new wife, and the very real and imminent prospect of a baby.
***
Annabelle cradled the cup of tea in her hands, and drank it slowly. An hour passed and still Michel didn’t come back to the house, and she knew it was fear. He was scared to show her how terrified he was of the fact that she was pregnant.
On a whim she decided to go and find him, and knew instinctively to go and look where the horses were being kept. She stopped a few meters away from the paddock, and stood watching him as he leaned against his mare’s neck. She saw his mouth move as he spoke to the horse, and smiled. She loved that he was kind to animals, and that he came here when he was stressed. She quietly entered the paddock and stood next to him.
“She’s a beauty,” Annabelle said softly, laying a hand on the horse’s flank.
Michel turned to her smiling.
“I named her Angel.” He spoke softly, and then he turned away from the horse and pulled her into a tight hug, “I
am so sorry that I have had such mixed responses to news that is so happy, I know this can’t be easy for you my love.”
She leaned into him and breathed deeply, enjoying the scent of him, horse and his cologne.
“Michel, baby, you can do this. Our pasts do not define who we end up being in our own lives, and sometimes leave us being better people. Just because you never had a good father figure or role model, doesn’t mean you will be a bad father.”
She looked up at him, and he smiled at her.
“Anna, I am happy, I am just scared. Thank you for believing in me,” he said, kissing her hair and simply holding her in his arms.
They stood there in the horse paddock for a while, and eventually Annabelle felt a nose nudge her in the middle of the back. Michel chuckled.
“I think somebody else decided they want some attention.”
The big black stallion stood behind her and softly snorted, stomped his hoof and nudged her again. She turned to face the large horse and as he pushed at her chest, she put her arms around his large head, and lay her face against his cheek.
“I haven’t named you yet big boy, guess now that Angel has a name you best have one too,” she said, her eyes closed against him.
“I think Gabe is a good name, Gabe and Angel. Both angelic creatures with angelic names.”
She looked to Michel, who stood smiling.
“I think that’s perfect,” he said.
Annabelle released his head and walked all the way around Gabe, running her hand over his body and watching his skin ripple under her touch. He didn’t move when she stood right behind him, a true show of good schooling and mild temperament. She eventually came back to where Michel stood, and picked up a brush. They groomed the horses in peace for an hour, both lost in their own thoughts. Annabelle glanced up at Michel at one stage.
“We have their tack don’t we?” She asked.
He nodded, she smiled, “Why don’t we go for a ride tomorrow?”
Eva and Art were still on the farm visiting, and Michel would ask Art for a few lessons with the tack. The couple had been staying with Roy and keeping away from the main house to give Anna and Michel a bit of a honeymoon period.
Michel and Annabelle walked back to the house feeling much more relaxed and calm. They resolved to make a doctor’s appointment to confirm the pregnancy, and move on from there. In the meantime life had to go on, and there were things to do. When Annabelle disappeared off into the house to go and occupy herself in the kitchen, Michel went to quiz Art about the horses.
Annabelle found herself digging around in the kitchen cupboards, and a few minutes later had all the ingredients set out to bake chocolate chip cookies. She melted butter, added sugar and eggs, and as she stood there with the scent of the butter and vanilla extract in her nose she stood imagining whether in nine months she would have a little girl to hold while doing this. Then she imagined a small toddler standing at the very same counter with bouncy dark curls like Michel’s, and little hands covered in chocolate.
She smiled to herself as she finished mixing the dough, rolling it out and cutting star shapes. By the time Eva walked into the house later the entire place smelled of cookies. She came straight to the kitchen where Annabelle sat at the counter with a pile of cookies and a pot of coffee in front of her.
“Good morning Mrs. Deverroux,” she said with a smile.
Annabelle looked across at her and returned the greeting.
“Morning, you and Art have been a bit scarce these past few days.”
Eva shrugged, “We wanted to give the two of you some space, newlyweds and all.”
Annabelle poured her a mug of coffee and they both sat at the counter, Eva spoke first.
“The boys have all gone off to the horses, Michel needed some help with sorting out the tack for Angel and Gabe, he said you want to take them for a ride later.”
Annabelle nodded, “We do… “Eva, do you have the details for any good doctors in Beaumont?”
Eva frowned, “I do, are you okay?”
Annabelle nodded, “I am, um, this is kind of confidential, but I think I’m pregnant and I need to go and have a blood test to confirm it. Michel knows but we are trying not to get excited or stressed until we know for sure.”
Eva picked up a cookie and patted Annabelle on the shoulder.
“No problem, I’ll write down the details for you,” she said, biting into the soft confection.
Annabelle shook her head.
“Can we just call now? I want to get an appointment as soon as possible.”
They made the call, and Annabelle was set to be off to a local Beaumont doctor the very next morning. When Michel came back into the house an hour later full of smiles, she told him the good news, and he seemed to exhale in relief. It would be good to simply know. He came and put his arms around her.
“Do you feel like taking the horses out? Art gave me a few pointers.”
Angel and Gabe took the inexperienced riders on a gentle walk around the periphery of the property after a very interesting time had by both Michel and Annabelle putting on their saddles and reigns. Many giggles were had, and Annabelle laughed so hard at Angel holding her breath when Michel tried to tighten the saddle girth she nearly ended up on the floor under Gabe’s hooves.
Annabelle eventually lay down flat along Gabe’s back stroking his neck as they plodded and ran her fingers through his mane. When they returned to the barn they unsaddled the horses and brushed them down. They fed each one with a bag of oats soaked in honey, and then walked back to the house. They found Art and Eva on Roy’s porch having tea with him, and stopped to say hello. It ended up being a goodbye meeting, as they were heading back to the coast the next day. Eva pulled Annabelle aside and gave her a tight hug, and wishing her all the best for the upcoming appointment.
“I hope you feel comfortable with calling me and letting me know how things go Anna? I will be thinking of you,” she said kindly, patting Annabelle on the back.
Anna nodded, and pulled away sniffling, “Don’t make me cry, I’m so emotional.”
The next day Annabelle nervously made the drive to the doctor’s rooms alone, and when she parked in the lot, had to take a moment to calm herself. She walked in and introduced herself to the young blonde receptionist, taking the clipboard to fill in the paperwork. By the time she walked through to the actual doctor, her hands were shaking.
Annabelle was surprised to find Dr. Adrian Smith was a woman, and her loud exhale must have given away something of her state of mind, because the white-coated woman stood, held out a hand and smiled.
“I hope I can calm you, my name is Adrian. What can I do for you?” She asked in a strong yet distinctly female voice.
Annabelle blushed.
“I think I’m pregnant,” She simply blurted out.
Dr. Smith sat down and leaned back in her chair.
“How do you feel about the possibility of being pregnant Mrs. Deverroux?” She asked.
Annabelle sat in silence for quite a while before answering.
“I don’t know. My husband is scared, but I think we will be okay,” she said softly, her hands on her knees.
“Well, let’s get a blood sample and confirm the pregnancy, and if you’ll step into the exam room I’ll do a basic pelvic exam to make sure you are all good on that front.”
Annabelle gritted her teeth and followed the doctor…
18
I had gone out to run errands, picking up feed for the horses and paying a few bills. When I came back I found Annabelle behind the main house in a patch of garden. She was dirty to her elbows with sod, and packets of pumpkin seeds lay next to her. I looked around.
“Hey, how did this morning go with the doctor?” I asked, sinking to my knees next to her in the freshly turned soil.
She fell flat onto her butt with her hands next to her in the dirt.
“I’m definitely pregnant Michel,” she said, and summarily burst into tears.
When she w
iped her face she left dirt streaks down her cheeks, and I didn’t know what to do. I moved closer and pulled her to me.
“Hey, hey now. I’m the one who’s supposed to not know how to do this, we will be fine. You will be an amazing mother and you can teach me how to do this,” I said calmly, while I had a heart attack internally.
***
She arrived home, and could not concentrate on anything at all. The only option was manual and physical activity. She walked to the barn, found seeds for pumpkin and then picked up a spade, large fork and set of clippers, and walked to a patch of soil behind the kitchen. It had already previously been used as a vegetable patch, so she neatened the edges close to the little picket fence, leaving a pile of clippings and a perfect border.
