I was appalled by his confession, disgusted that he could be that duplicitous, even for the goal to save the canyon. Someone once told me, though, that forgiveness was more about healing myself than the person I was forgiving. And I already had enough bitterness in me over Greg, whom I still hadn’t forgiven because he hadn’t asked it of me and probably never would. Forgiving didn’t mean forgetting, and it didn’t mean falling into his arms. It was really Ashleigh, for whom I now had some sympathy, whose forgiveness Jon needed. Somehow, I doubted that he’d get it.
“All right. I forgive you. But Jon, that doesn’t mean there can be anything between us. I can’t be with a cheater, and like it or not, you were cheating. You broke an implied commitment to Ashleigh, and after you and I were together, you lied to me that you were through with her. I can forgive it, but I can’t put myself in the position to have it repeated. Not after…”
I stopped abruptly, not wanting to get into that with him. But he probed for it. “After what? Who hurt you, Erin? Besides me, I mean. There was another guy, wasn’t there? What did he do?”
“Nothing much,” I muttered. “We lived together for four years. One day he came home and told me it was over, that I should pack my bags and get out. The arrogance! I’d paid for every stick of furniture in the apartment, and the lease was mine, too. I told him to get out himself, and he did. He walked out without so much as a backward glance.”
“What a douche! Where did he go?” Jon asked.
“I didn’t know it then, but now I suspect he went straight to my best friend Dani. I just learned a couple of weeks ago that they’re engaged. All my friends knew they were cheating, and didn’t tell me. I can’t be with a cheater, Jon, I just can’t.”
He dropped his head, looking at his hands, slowly tearing a napkin to shreds on the tabletop.
“I understand. Hey, do you want to get out of here? Papa’s ready to close. But, there’s more I want to tell you. Not to try to change your mind,” he added, seeing my face. “Can we at least be friends? I’d like to be your friend. Can we go back to the clinic and sit with Max for a while?”
~*~
Against my better judgment, I unlocked the clinic and Jon followed me back to the boarding area. The thought crossed my mind that Max would be surprised to see us so late, but of course that was ridiculous. Dogs are great that way. They have no expectations, only joy when their humans pay them some small attention. I could learn from the first part of that, but the second, well, that would get me in trouble. I reminded myself not to let Jon get inside my defenses. Even more so, now, when I knew the ugly truth about his relationship with Ashleigh. How could anyone use someone like that and live with himself?
I wasn’t comfortable being with Jon inside a darkened building. I was still hyper-aware of his incredible beauty, the allure of his masculine scent and the memory of the feel of his hard muscles. I remembered every carved feature of his chest and abs, and wondered how an executive like him maintained such a physique. But, I couldn’t let myself fall under his spell. Not again.
I turned on the lights in the kennel room and let Max out, then settled on the floor with the wall to my back. Jon wanted to tell me something, so okay, I would listen. But I wouldn’t necessarily make it easy. If it was more confession about his treatment of Ashleigh, I didn’t want to hear it.
“I’ve always loved this canyon,” he started, squatting on his heels. Max had gone straight to Jon and leaned against him, so he was having trouble maintaining his balance. “You know my tattoo?” Yes, I knew it. I’d traced it’s swirls with my hand and with my tongue. I knew it well.
“Yeah.”
“It’s meant to represent sunshine.”
“I get it, it’s round and it has rays shooting out of it,” I said, though I wondered what that had to do with anything.
“No, I mean Sunshine, the town. Never mind, this isn’t about the tattoo, it’s about me sort of growing up here. Especially after my mom left.” He’d never talked about his mom to me, not that we’d had a lot of heart-to-heart talks. We really didn’t know much about each other at all, when I thought of it.
“Maybe you’d better back up and tell me about that, Jon. I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“You don’t?” A tilt of his head, a slight frown and his eyes went unfocused for a moment. “Oh, of course you don’t. Sorry. So, okay. My mom left, just went somewhere one day and never came home. I was twelve. So, when school let out that summer, I was too young to be on my own, and Dad and Jamie McGraw were working all the time, so I came here to stay with my grandparents every summer and long school holiday after that. It was the only place I was ever happy.”
“Jamie McGraw—that was Doc’s brother who started the resort with your dad?”
“Yeah. But, what they started was a development company, back before I was born. They did lots of projects in Boulder until the town put a stop to further development, and then they started looking at this canyon. You know what happened with that.”
“Right. So, you grew up here, basically, after your mom left.”
“That’s it. The first ski runs and hotel had been built by the time I was old enough to know anything about it, and then another hotel and another. By the time I started coming here and getting to know the people in town, I was old enough to realize that they didn’t like my dad, or Jamie, and Grandpa told me why.
I didn’t much like my dad, either. By then, I thought it was something he’d done that made my mother leave, even though I thought it was my fault when it first happened. Anyway, he never paid me any attention, but I resented him, and the resort, so I sided with the townspeople.”
“What you’re trying to say is why you’ve always had this goal of gaining control over the company, so you could save what’s left of the canyon, is that it?”
“Yeah, long story short. Dad and I hated each other by the time I was sixteen, and we never spoke a civil word before he died. Waiting in the hospital to see him after the accident, regretting sixteen years of hatred, did something to me, Erin. Nothing was as important after he died as saving this canyon. My mom was gone, my dad was gone, even my grandparents. I had no one and nothing except these shares that I could parlay into some way to help the canyon. Can you understand that?”
I couldn’t of course. I had no similar experience, no frame of reference. But, logically, I supposed I could see it. I nodded.
“Then Egren comes to me with this idea. If his daughter, his only child, and I got together, our shares together could control the company. The trouble was, he and I wanted the opposite for the resort. To keep him from examining my actions too much, I went along with it. I’m not proud of that, Erin.”
“Good. There’s no reason you should be.”
“I know. Anyway, that’s why I was with her, nothing else. I never intended to marry her or anything, never even mentioned being engaged.”
“You’ve told me that. The fact remains that you were intimate with her, am I right?”
“Yeah.” He hung his head even lower and absently scratched Max’s ears.
“So she had every reason to believe that marriage could be the goal. Why are you telling me all of this, Jon? I’m sorry your mother left you. I’m sorry you and your dad didn’t get along. None of it justifies treating another human being as a means to an end.”
“I know. I just wanted you to know I’m not all bad. I mean, I guess I can see that the end doesn’t justify the means, but I wanted you to know why that didn’t enter my thinking.”
“Fine. Now I know. Are we through here?”
“One more thing, and I guess I should talk to Doc about it first. But, it turns out I may not be who I think I am.”
“What? What does that mean? And why should you talk to Doc?”
“Because, the man I thought was my dad may not have been my dad. Doc may have been.”
This was too much. Doc was my friend, and a fine man. My temper flared and I must have shown it.
&nbs
p; “Doc was the one who told me, Erin, I’m not accusing him of anything. We’re waiting on the results of a paternity test. Shouldn’t take much longer.”
“It takes what, a couple of days? When did you do it?”
“Wednesday, but it’s going to take a little longer. The third suspect is Doc’s brother. With him and my dad both dead, they have to do some extra testing to differentiate between Doc and Jamie.”
I stared at Jon, unable to read whether he realized what he was saying about his mother. This, this was something I could sympathize with. His mother gone, no way to understand why three different men might have been his dad, or whether his dad had discovered it and that’s why she’d left. If I’d had that kind of mystery in my life, it would have crushed me. Once again I was filled with mixed feelings about the complicated and beautiful man now sitting cross-legged in the floor of my clinic.
“Will you let me know, when you find out, I mean?” I said. I didn’t know why it would be any of my business, but since he’d told me, I couldn’t bear not knowing the rest of the story.
“Yeah. I think Doc wants to go public if it’s him. I don’t know why, but if that’s the way it goes down, I’m okay with it. No one left to be upset about it.”
“What about your mother?”
“We don’t know where she is.”
“Jon, think about trying to find her again before you do anything rash, and ask Doc to hold off, too. I can’t imagine how I’d feel if I saw a story like that in the paper or on the internet about myself. Not my business, I know, but think about it.”
“Well, I’ve already talked to Doc about trying to find her. Maybe you’re right.”
It was very late by then, and the temperature had dropped into the high teens. My walk home wasn’t long, but it would be very cold. When Jon offered to drop me off, I felt justified in accepting. He’d given me a lot to think about that night. How could someone who was unfailingly kind and thoughtful toward me and toward an injured dog be so cruel to an innocent woman? It boggled my mind. So did the thought of a loving mom simply walking away from her son. I didn’t know how Jon had endured almost two-thirds of his life asking that same question over and over again and never getting an answer.
CHAPTER TWENTY FIVE
Two days before Christmas, and I’d had a call from Doc that I couldn’t take. I called back the first chance I got, mid-afternoon.
“Hey, Doc, what’s up?” I said.
“I think you’ve got that quote wrong. It’s ‘what’s up, Doc’” he deadpanned. I didn’t get it for a second, and then had to laugh. No, I wasn’t trying to quote Bugs Bunny. God, it had been decades since I’d seen the cartoon. Doc had gone on without me, so I listened more closely to avoid having him repeat himself.
“…it’s either Jamie or me,” he was saying. “They don’t know which yet, but you’re either my son or my nephew. How do you feel?”
“I don’t know yet, Doc. I still haven’t processed it, there’s been too much going on. I never much liked your brother, you know.”
“That makes two of us. Say, what are you doing for Christmas?”
“Nothing. Skiing maybe, I don’t know. Why?”
“Why don’t you come over? Neither of us has anyone to spend it with, why not spend it together? Now that you’re family, and all.”
“Sounds good, Doc. Hey, you know who else doesn’t have anyone? Erin Timms. She told me she’s not going home for it because it’s in the middle of the week. Why don’t you invite her, too?”
“Do I hear an ulterior motive?”
“No, I think I’ve screwed the pooch on that score. We’re just friends.”
“Okay, I’ll invite her when she comes for her allergy shot.”
“Is that why she’s seeing you?”
“Yeah, she’s allergic to cats. Go figure.”
Doc’s dry delivery of that oddity cracked me up. A veterinarian that was allergic to cats, and who lived in the garage apartment at a cattery. Too funny for words. I’d have to tease her about that.
“Okay, I’ll see you on Wednesday then. Make it about two p.m., we’ll have a Christmas feast,” he said. Idly, I wondered who was going to cook this alleged Christmas feast. I knew nothing about Doc, of course, other than that he was the only doctor in town and everyone loved him. Could he be a gourmet cook, too? I’d find out soon.
Looking at what was left on my desk, I decided that I could spare the rest of the afternoon, and called my assistant to tell him I’d pick Max up for his therapy appointment. Maybe I could do a little Christmas shopping, too, while I was in Boulder.
Erin was pacing by the time I got to the clinic, almost fifteen minutes late. She was surprised to see me, I could tell. Was she glad, too? That I couldn’t tell, and I should probably stop hoping. She’d made it perfectly clear that there couldn’t be anything between us. The trouble was, every time I’d been told I couldn’t have something, for my entire life, I’d made it my goal to get it anyway. It was going to be hard to honor her boundaries.
“Hey, Erin. Thought I’d take him myself today. I have a couple of errands in Boulder, too. Would it be too inconvenient if I didn’t get him back until seven or eight?”
“No, that would be okay. But which? How will I know when to meet you?”
“Time to give me your cell number, I guess,” I said, passing it off as just a casual convenience.
“Oh, of course.” She recited it while I punched it into my phone, then I had to get going. I was already going to have to speed a little on my way down the mountain to make it on time for Max’s appointment. I realized as I went out the front door that the emergency number posted on it was the same number she’d just given me. Why hadn’t I noticed that before? It would have saved me some trouble now and then. I wondered if it were her personal cell number, or if she’d concealed that by giving me the clinic’s emergency cell. No way to tell at the moment, though, and at least I could assume she always carried the latter.
Instead of waiting with Max during his physical therapy, I took the opportunity to slip out to the nearest liquor store and see if my brand of Scotch was available. I wanted to buy a bottle for Doc, as my Christmas gift to him. After I picked up Max again, I went to the mall to see if I could find something soft and warm for Erin. I was thinking a cashmere shawl, something she could cozy up in to read or watch TV. I wanted heather green to match her eyes.
Max was patient, waiting in the car, while I went through the mall and then to a boutique knit shop that someone referred me to. There I found the perfect shawl, knit in a soft cashmere yarn, with tiny stitches that left no gaps through which a breeze could chill Erin. I pictured her wrapped in it, reading a book. Then, despite myself, I pictured her wrapped in it and nothing else, her smoldering eyes matching it precisely and inviting me to unwrap it. I shook my head to clear the mental picture and had the clerk gift-wrap it in silver with emerald green ribbons. I had no idea how Erin would feel about receiving it, but it was important for me to give it. It was as much a peace offering as a Christmas gift.
CHAPTER TWENTY SIX
I was delighted and grateful when Doc invited me to his home for Christmas dinner. So much better a plan than my marathon movie day, I thought, until he mentioned that Jon would be there, too. Of course he would.
I didn’t say anything to Doc about Jon’s revelation, in case Jon hadn’t told him I knew. If he had, Doc would surely have mentioned it, too. But, I’d already accepted, and backing out would be really rude and would reveal that there was a reason I didn’t want to see Jon. Besides, I had to get over that. He was a big part of this community, now, and I couldn’t avoid him forever. Not even for a day or two, I reflected, as I remembered I needed to meet him when he returned Max to the clinic tonight.
So I smiled and told Doc that I’d love to join him and Jon for dinner, and asked what I could bring.
“I don’t suppose you know how to make pumpkin pie,” Doc said, a hopeful look on his face belying the statement.
/> “Not really, but there’s a recipe on the can of pumpkin, I think. Tell you what I do know how to make—pecan pie. No Texan woman would ever live down not knowing how to make that.”
“Wow, even better!” Doc exclaimed, his brown eyes twinkling. Funny, I’d never noticed his eyes before. They reminded me of something. Brown with flecks of amber. Suddenly, I knew. They were the same as Jon’s. No need for a paternity test, unless the brother had the same eyes. I was looking into Doc’s and seeing Jon’s.
“Shall I bring both?” I asked, brushing away my speculation. I didn’t want Doc to see it, and I knew he was very perceptive. Fortunately, he was distracted with the dinner planning.
“If you want. Or either. There’ll just be the three of us, so two pies might be a bit much.”
“I’ll surprise you, then,” I teased. He patted me on the shoulder as I left.
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