I knew Ellyn would recognize me immediately, and I was afraid she’d run, or refuse to talk with me, as soon as she saw me. All this time, I’d been thinking I’d ask Erin to go with me and break the ice, but now I wondered if I’d made a mistake in not taking her into my confidence from the beginning.
I hadn’t told Doc that I’d found my mother, either. I thought about it, but the more I thought, the more I wondered if she was running from the men in her life, instead of her twelve-year-old kid. What could I have done to make her go? I was no more obnoxious than any other twelve-year-old, less than some. I’d come to the conclusion that I was just collateral damage. That didn’t make it any easier to take, but it did make me want to approach her without Doc, at least at first.
Doc and I had spent a number of evenings together, getting to know and appreciate each other as friends. We didn’t exactly begin to act as father and son, whether because it was uncertain I didn’t know.
I’d consulted a lawyer about my position with regard to my inheritance, and he assured me that as long as there were no other claimants, I shouldn’t worry about it. My mother’s husband, the man I grew up knowing as dad, had acknowledged me as his, so for all legal intents and purposes, I was. He had been an only child, and so had I, so there were no other claimants that I knew of.
The other part of my plan, I thought Erin would tumble to immediately, but I had to take the risk. I’d screwed up my chances with the whole Ashleigh thing, and the only way to get back on solid footing with Erin was to give it time. Ashleigh had let me off the hook, though I would have wished for a more conventional breakup scene.
I talked with Erin about it a few days after it happened, apologizing that Ashleigh had dragged her into it. She told me she was okay, and we didn’t discuss it after that. Neither did I make any romantic or even sexual approaches. I had to wait for that, maybe for months, and give her time to get over what Ashleigh said.
Once we were comfortable as friends, I’d talk with her about whether there could ever be more. I was willing to wait as long as she made me, because if there was ever an example of grace under pressure, it was Erin. No matter what kind of stress I’d seen her under, she never lost her controlled demeanor.
The only time I’d seen her out of control was in bed, and that was a good thing. The memories of those times had to sustain me until I could make new ones, because there was never going to be anyone else for me now. Erin was beautiful, funny, smart and she liked the same things I liked. And the sex! We had only been together twice, but both times had been fucking unbelievable. I had to have her for my own, forever.
The first move in that plan was to get her to approve of the house I bought. That way, when I asked her to move in with me, it would be to a house she liked. Next was to learn her taste in furniture and decor, and fill the house with things she’d find comfortable and attractive. Of course, Max would be an incentive, too. I wanted it to feel inevitable when it happened. Killing two birds with one stone by meeting my mother in person seemed to be a no-brainer, as long as Erin would cooperate.
On Thursday, I asked her to go to dinner with me, figuring I’d better not spring this scheme with my mother on her. Something was telling me I maybe hadn’t handled it correctly. It was too late now, though, to do anything but follow through. If Erin wouldn’t help me, I’d have to hire someone to be Erin Johnson long enough to lure Ellyn into the open. Once she was seated, in a Starbucks or somewhere like that, I’d reveal myself, apologize for deceiving her, and see what happened.
I had imagined the scene over and over. In one version, my mother jumped to her feet and threw her arms around me, crying that she’d missed me so much. In another, she slapped me hard enough to knock me down. I hoped for the former, dreaded the latter, and assumed it would be something more in the middle of the two extremes.
I tried to imagine how I’d act in any given scenario. Would I be cool? Let her see the anger and disappointment that I’d harbored for years? Because I had. It was an honest and to-be-expected emotion. My mother had left me…walked out and never returned, without even a goodbye, much less an explanation. That would twist any kid, wouldn’t it?
I sat across the table from Erin on Thursday night, trying to screw up the courage to tell her what was on my mind. I’d thought about it so much over the past week that Erin’s every possible reaction had been examined, a response planned, and filed away against future need. Now that it was time, I couldn’t get the words out.
“Jon, what’s wrong with you tonight? You’ve been fidgeting like a kid since we got here,” she said, taking a sip of the wine I’d ordered to go with our steaks. I didn’t even remember what kind, I was so distracted.
“I need to ask you a favor. And I’m afraid it’s something I’ve already screwed up. You’re going to be mad at me again.”
Erin laughed. “Surely you haven’t been dating someone and telling them you’ll marry them, while sneaking out for casual dinners with me,” she said. Even though she made it a joke, I could tell she was serious about the intent behind it. I wouldn’t get another chance to even be friends if I was cheating on someone else, much less her.
“No, not exactly,” I answered.
Erin’s color drained and she set down her wine glass. “Not exactly? Maybe you’d better tell me exactly what you have been doing.”
“Well, I’ve been pretending to be someone I’m not. A woman, in fact.” The expression on her face was priceless, a mixture of incredulous amusement and bewilderment.
“Why in the world…and how?” she asked.
“Erin, I found my mother,” I said then. There was no way to break it gently or varnish it, so it came out baldly, just the fact, as if it explained what I’d been doing. Of course, it didn’t. That was going to require finesse. Erin was staring at me, and now the expression was complete bewilderment, no amusement left.
“I think that’s wonderful, Jon, but what are you trying to say?”
“I found her on Facebook, Erin. She’s been in Denver this whole time. Just an hour from here. The whole time. And she never, not once, tried to get in touch with me. What’s that about? I’ve got to know, so, I did something you probably won’t approve of.”
“I’m surprised you care one way or another, but why are you telling me this?”
“Because I need your help. She’ll know me instantly. We look so much alike, Erin, you wouldn’t believe it. I need someone else to meet her in a public place, where I can come in later. If I knocked on her door, she might slam it in my face. If she saw me in public, she might run. But, if she’s sitting with you, having coffee at Starbucks, and I come up behind her, it won’t be so easy.”
“Why me?”
“Um, because she’ll think she’s meeting someone named Erin.” This was the part I feared. I stopped without explaining any more, to give her time to react. Of all the ways I imagined her taking it, I’d missed this one.
“Are you telling me you’ve been impersonating me, or some woman named Erin, on Facebook to get close enough to your mother to get her to meet you?”
“Yeah, that’s about the size of it.”
Her face became stern. “That’s despicable. You’re stalking her! I can’t believe after all the trouble it caused you last year to pretend something that wasn’t true, you’d turn right around and do it again.” That part I expected, and I was prepared to throw myself on her mercy and play the abandoned child card, when she let out a bark of laughter that she muffled with both hands. “And I have to say, I’ve been wondering why you sometimes sound like a girlfriend around me. Oh, my God! You’ve been pretending to be a woman? That’s the most ridiculous thing I ever heard!”
I’m sure my mouth was hanging open.
“So, you’re not mad?”
“Of course I’m mad. I meant it when I said that’s despicable. But I’ve got to admit it’s also incredibly funny. How did you hatch this scheme, anyway?”
“Well, it isn’t like I thought it through. I j
ust kind of did it.”
“What have you been using for a profile picture?”
“Max.”
“Oh, God, you’ve dragged an innocent dog into this, too? Jon, you are too much. How am I ever going to trust you when you keep pulling stunts like this?”
“So, will you do it?”
“Do what?”
“Will you meet her in Starbucks on Saturday and keep her talking until I can come out of hiding and surprise her?”
“Are you sure you want to do that, Jon? You might give the poor woman a heart attack.”
“Somehow I doubt it. She looks pretty healthy in her pictures. I think it’s the only way to be sure she doesn’t get away before I get some answers.”
“What are you going to do if she gets up and walks away, refuses to talk to you? Restrain her?”
“I’ll have to cross that bridge when I come to it, but I hope she won’t.”
“I would. I think I have to help you, just to see you get your comeuppance. If she does just that, don’t say I didn’t warn you. And Jon?”
“What?”
“Next time you have a hare-brained scheme like this, please run it past me first. I don’t know how often I can forgive you, and I’m trying very hard to stay friends with you.”
“Thanks, Erin. I mean really, truly, thanks.”
“You mean, for reals?”
I grinned, recognizing the chick-speak. “For reals,” I replied, sending her into gales of giggles.
~*~
Ellyn messaged me that she could meet me at the Arvada Starbucks on Wadsworth at 80th, but not until around three in the afternoon. That would mean a trip up the canyon road after dark, which didn’t seem like a bad idea with Erin in the SUV beside me. It also gave us several hours to shop some outlying furniture stores. I hated downtown Denver, with it’s narrow, crowded streets that always seemed to be going one-way in the wrong direction for me, so I welcomed the suburban shopping experience.
I asked Erin to be ready at eight-thirty, because I really did want to get some decisions made, especially about master bedroom and living room furniture. With that, I could more or less camp out until I had the rest of the house furnished. Sure, I could have hired an interior decorator to do it all, but then I wouldn’t get the benefit of Erin’s opinion.
I was scheduled to close on the house sometime the following week, so it was imperative to do this over the weekend, even though my ulterior motive was the real reason for going to the Denver metro area instead of shopping in Boulder.
I didn’t think I had much of an opinion about furniture, but it turned out that I did. Thankfully, Erin and I seemed to have similar tastes, and I liked everything she pointed out as something she found attractive. By noon, we’d selected the bedroom furniture and a matching sofa and love seat for the living room and I had arranged for delivery on Thursday. I’d need some other pieces, and some end tables, lamps—accessories of all kinds as well as decor.
We decided to take a break and have some lunch before hitting other stores for some of those items. After that, there wasn’t a lot of time left before we’d have to drive down Wadsworth to be closer to the Starbucks. I was getting nervous, and couldn’t concentrate on such things as throw pillows when the answer to a twenty-two year old mystery was, hopefully, about to be revealed. We window-shopped without much progress until it was time.
I dropped Erin off at the coffee shop and found a parking spot behind another of the stores in the shopping center, planning to wait until Erin sent me a text that Ellyn had arrived before revealing myself. I knew I couldn’t leave her on her own for very long, because I hadn’t planned ahead very well. Erin didn’t know a thing about her Facebook doppelganger. By the time I got the text, I was about to crawl out of my skin, I was under so much tension. I drove back to the Starbucks and parked, gathered my courage and walked in.
Erin had done as I’d asked and taken the seat facing the door, so that Ellyn’s back was to me as I walked in. All I could see was her hair, curly like mine but long, and shot through with silver threads among the dark brown. The sight of those, the evidence of her age, hit me right in the gut.
When she’d left, my mother was a young woman. Now, though I knew from her pictures that she was still a vital, fit and young-looking woman, the twenty-two lost years pressed on me with a weight of sorrow that nearly undid me.
Erin looked up and saw me hesitating, gave a slight nod, and smiled at Ellyn. “Ellyn, there’s someone I’d like you to meet,” she said. I nearly panicked. That hadn’t been in the plans! Before I could react, Ellyn, my mother, turned around to see who Erin was looking at. I saw her face change, knew that I’d been right to arrange a public encounter. All color drained from her face, and she muffled a small cry by pressing her hand to her mouth. What I didn’t see was anger. Deer-in-the-headlights fright maybe, but no anger. And then the tears started. “Jon,” was all she could say.
I hadn’t planned this, either, but I was there with her in two strides, catching her to me as she rose to meet me. I’d grown…of course. My mother felt frail in my arms, a petite, slender woman who was shaking with emotion. I held her, my own tears running freely down my cheeks. I risked a glance at Erin and discovered she, too, was overcome. She’d never looked more beautiful to me, than sitting there in that Starbucks, tears streaming silently from her eyes, her beautiful eyes.
It took a moment to compose myself, and then I gently pushed my mother away from me so that I could look at her face. This close, I could see what the camera never caught, the fine web of lines at the corners of her eyes, the soft edges of her jaw. She was what, fifty-eight? Fifty-nine? It hurt me that I didn’t know. What could I say to this woman, who was reaching blindly behind her to find her chair. I pulled it closer for her.
“Mom,” I said finally. “I love you.” Of all the things I planned to say to her, that wasn’t remotely the first. Seeing her so vulnerable tore it from my lips. Yes, I’d been hurt, confused, disappointed and angry, for over half my life. Still, I loved her. I knew it the moment I held her in my arms, and even more when I looked into her eyes.
It broke her completely, though. She slumped, put her hands to her face and sobbed uncontrollably. Erin touched my arm and looked around, signaling me that we were becoming a spectacle.
“Mom, would you go with me to talk somewhere else?” I asked. “If you’re uncomfortable here, that is.” It was cold, though sunny, and there wasn’t anywhere out of doors that would be comfortable, so I wasn’t sure where we could go. I had so many questions, so much to tell her, that I knew we had to do something.
“Yes, son. It’s time, I think. Let’s go to my house.” It turned out that she lived very close to where we were, in a small but elegant home in a nice gated neighborhood.
We didn’t even explain who Erin was before we left the coffee shop, Mom’s chai latte untouched. We followed her home and the three of us sat awkwardly, no one knowing how or where to start. Finally, Mother asked me about Erin.
“Is this your wife, Jon? What’s your real name, dear?” addressing Erin with her second question.
We answered at the same time. Then Erin fell silent, leaving it to me to explain the deception, and absolve her of wrongdoing.
“Erin is…a good friend,” I began. “Her real name is Erin Timms, but it wasn’t she who’s been corresponding with you on Facebook. I was doing that, and she knew nothing about it until a couple of days ago. I more or less begged her to meet you, so that you wouldn’t see me and run.” I stopped there, unwilling to ask the burning question that would sound like an accusation, but wanting the answer nevertheless.
“I see. I suppose I can’t blame you, Jon. To tell you the truth, I expected your father to find me years ago, since I hadn’t gone far. I can only assume he didn’t want to.”
My entire body jerked as I absorbed that revelation. “But, he looked for you for years! Hired private detectives, everything!”
“Really, dear? They must not have been
very competent. I’ve been right here all this time.”
This news made me reel in confusion. Dad…that is, Theo Miles…told me several times that he’d spared no expense and couldn’t find her, that I should just forget her. What kind of father says that to a twelve-year-old? One that isn’t really the father, I supposed. But then, Doc said he looked, too. Why didn’t he find her? The answers I sought seemed only to beg more questions.
“Mom, I don’t know what happened. Maybe if I understood why you left, I’d understand why he would lie to me about trying to find you.”
“Do you really not know? He never told you?”
“No. He said he didn’t know, either.”
“Oh, darling. I’m afraid what I have to say will shock you. Your dad passed away a few years ago, didn’t he?”
“A little over three, yes. Surely you saw that in the news.”
“I don’t pay much attention, but a friend in Boulder sent me the obituary. I was sorry.”
Stray Page 22
