I couldn’t do this anymore. How did she survive this? How could she possibly trust me after what happened to her? How could she lay in a bed with me and feel safe? How could she fall in love with me? It was almost too hard to believe.
I heard a knock on the door and froze. I didn’t want to see anyone right now. Whoever it was, they could go to hell. I just wanted to be alone, to figure out how I was going to get through this without strangling every stranger I passed on the street.
I walked to the door and looked through the peephole.
It was Livia.
God fucking damn it.
I sighed then opened the door.
She looked at me, fear and concern in her eyes. The pain and hurt was etched onto every line of her face. Her eyes were wide, and a distant coat of moisture glimmered.
I stared at her, unsure what to say.
“If you don’t want to be with me anymore, just tell me. This hurts a lot more…”
I’m such a fucking jackass.
“Don’t feel bad. I understand. I don’t think less of you. This was what I expected from the beginning. But don’t be a coward and avoid me.”
“Livia, it’s not like that…”
“Then why are you avoiding me?”
I opened the door wider. “Come inside and we’ll talk.”
She didn’t move for a second. Then she forced herself to come inside.
After I shut the door, I wrapped my arms around her waist. “I want to be with you forever.” I looked into her eyes as I said it. “That will never change.”
“Then why are you acting like this?”
I dropped my hands to my side, feeling wrong for touching her. “I…I guess I’m not handling this well.”
She crossed her arms over her chest.
“I’m just…so angry. I’m so mad. It’s not fair.” I felt my emotion break. I didn’t want her to see this side of me. I was weak. I was supposed to be a man, to be the strong and silent type. Emotions had no business in my life. But I couldn’t keep it back. “Every time I think about what happened to you…I die inside. I love you so much and it kills me every time I think about it. It haunts my thoughts and my dreams. I hate myself for not being there, for not stopping it. Knowing that was your first time…it makes me sick.” The tears broke the surface and I turned away from her, not letting her see my face. “I hate that this happened to you.”
She stepped closer to me then put her hands on my back. She didn’t try to turn me around. Instead, she massaged my muscles, trying to calm me. The tears fell down my face for a moment before I stopped them. My face was warm and the drops moved to my lips. “It’s okay…” Her fingers massaged the back of my neck.
“How could you possibly ever trust me?”
“You aren’t like them.” She said it simply, with no emotion. “I’m slowly realizing that not every guy is a pig. There are men out there who respect others, who are gentle despite their size, and they love fiercely and with their whole heart. And I found one.”
I wiped the tears off my face and blinked my eyes. “I would never do something like that, not to you. Not to anyone.”
“I know,” she said quietly.
“I just didn’t know how to be around you…I needed time to process it. The fact you were a virgin pushed me over the edge.”
“I understand.”
“But I’m not going anywhere—not ever.”
“I know that too.”
I turned around, finally able to show my face.
She stared into my eyes before she moved into my chest. She was a foot shorter than me, so I could easily rest my head on hers. Her petite size made me more protective of her. She barely weighed a hundred and thirty pounds. I was twice her size and weight.
I pressed a kiss to her forehead while I held her in my entryway. Getting all of that off my chest made me feel better. I guess I just needed to talk about it, to come to terms with it. “You’re comforting me when I should be comforting you.”
“You comfort me every day, Scotty—more than you realize.”
I held her, harboring the pain with her. Now she didn’t have to be burned with the torment anymore. I could share the load with her. I could carry all of it if she let me. “You should tell Ash.”
“No,” she said immediately. “It’ll ruin him.”
“I know you’re trying to protect him, but he needs to know. He’ll understand you better. He won’t push you to be something you aren’t. And he can help you.”
“I can’t hurt him. My brother acts like he despises me but I know how much he loves me. He’ll hate himself for not protecting me, for not noticing the signs. He’ll feel like a failure.”
“Even so…”
“I just can’t.”
I decided not to push her. “And as much as I hate to admit it, you should tell your parents.”
“Definitely not,” she said firmly.
I didn’t press her on that topic either. Instead, I held her close to me, feeling my love for her grow. “What are there names?” This is what I really wanted to know, needed to know.
“Who?”
“You know who,” I said through gritted teeth.
She pulled away. “I don’t know…I didn’t see their faces. Everything was a blur and they blindfolded me. All I heard were there voices.”
“You recognized someone at that party. Who was it?” I wouldn’t be discouraged by any dead end.
“Well…he was one of them. The others I don’t know.”
A lead. “What’s his name?”
She gave me a fearful look. “Why?”
“Just give me his name.”
Livia wouldn’t budge. “No. I know what you’ll do.”
“And what is that?”
“You’ll…hurt him.”
“Damn right. Why do you care? He doesn’t deserve mercy from you.” I clenched my fists, feeling my temperature rise.
“I don’t want you to get in trouble. You could easily be arrested and kicked out of school.”
My eyes flashed wide. The adrenaline kicked in. “You think I give a shit about any of that? I don’t care about school. I care about you.”
She crossed her arms over her chest.
“I’m dropping out anyway. I want to be a professional fighter. You know this.”
“It still won’t solve anything.” She shifted her weight. “I just want to forget about this whole thing.”
“Forget about it?” I asked incredulously. “What will that solve?”
“It’ll go away eventually.”
“How’s that been working out?” I asked bitterly.
She met my look, the fear in her eyes.
“Livia, tell me who the fuck he is.” I wanted to strangle her for being uncooperative.
“No. You’ll go after him.”
“What makes you think I won’t do it anyway?” I snapped. “When you saw me at the frat party a few weeks ago, you want to know the real reason why I was there? I was trying to find the fucker who did this to you. So whether you help me or not, I’m going to find this piece of shit, find out who the other four are, and I’m going gut each of them like a fish then burn their corpses in a field.” Spit flew out of my mouth in the heat of the moment. My fists were clenched so tightly my knuckles hurt.
“Scotty, please let this go.”
Now I was pissed. “Let this go? You’re fucking joking right? Did you call the police when this happened? Arrest them?”
“No…”
“Why?”
“I was afraid they would hurt me later…”
I could strangle her. “No. I’m not going to fucking let this go. No one rapes my girlfriend and walks away with both of his legs.” She flinched at the use of the word ‘rape’. No one touches you without your explicit permission. I’m not letting them get away with this. You’re practically dead, Livia. This has ruined your life. And more importantly, they are probably doing this to other girls. Someone else out there has experienced this
same agony. If not for yourself, shouldn’t you take them down for that reason alone?”
She squirmed under my gaze. “Calm down.”
“I will not calm down.” I got in her face. “I will face this head on and I will get justice for what happened to you. Whether I kill them, beat them to a pulp, or get the police involved, something is going to happen.”
“Then everyone will know what happened…” Tears welled in her eyes. “I don’t want anyone to know about that night. If I go public with this, it’ll be common knowledge.”
“And everyone will think you’re exceptionally brave.” My voice came out gentle.
“There’s nothing I can do. It’s been too long…”
“It’s never too late, Livia. I’m going to take these guys out. Please help me.”
“I don’t want you to get involved in this.” She grabbed my hand. “Please let it go. I never should have told you…”
I pulled my hand away. “Never should have told me? So you want a man that will just stand by and let this go? You want a man that won’t fight for you? You want a man that just gives up?”
“I’m not saying that.” Her voice grew loud. “It’s been almost a year since it happened. I don’t have any evidence to convict them, and I don’t even know who the other guys are. I just know one. That’s it. And taking him out won’t fix what happened. He may have raped me but he never tried to hurt me. Violence will accomplish nothing.”
“He didn’t try to hurt you?” I laughed because it was so absurd. “Poisoning you with a drug so he could thrust himself inside of you constitutes as hurting someone. He violated your rights and abused you. Believe me, death will still be too good for him.”
“Stop.” She covered her face with her hands. “This is too much…”
I grabbed her wrists and yanked them down. “If you don’t fight for yourself, I will. You can’t stop me and you can’t change my mind.”
“Stop.” She stepped away and turned around, closing off from me.
This was getting too emotional for her. I fell silent and gave her space.
She cowered in the corner, trying to catch her breath.
“Livia—”
“Please don’t do anything. I just want this to go away. You’re hurting me…” She sniffed and clutched her waist. “I need you to hold me, to kiss me, and to tell me you still love me. I want this to stay in the past where it belongs, not here—with you.”
I let my anger blindside me for a moment. My response to a threat was always to attack. I didn’t work so hard to get this big just to keep my fights in the ring. I wanted to protect my girl, to make her feel safe. “I’m sorry.”
She still didn’t turn around.
“Babe, I’m sorry. I just got caught up…”
“I want you to let this go. I want to move on and forget about it.”
“Okay.”
“And I want you to forget about it.”
Never going to happen.
“Scotty?”
I came behind her and wrapped my arms around her waist. My lips moved to her neck, giving her a gentle kiss. I squeezed her to my chest, trying to silently change the subject.
She released the air from her lungs, melting in my arms.
“Come to bed.”
A minute passed without a response. Her hands covered my arms, feeling cold. “Okay.”
CHAPTER SIX
Livia
Even after I admitted my darkest secret, Scotty was still there. He still loved me. He still wanted me.
That was something I never expected to happen. I projected my distaste for myself onto him, assuming he saw me in the same light. I was disgusting, broken, and used. But he didn’t see me that way. I should have focused on who he was, not what I assumed he would feel.
When he stopped talking to me for a week, I panicked. I assumed he changed his mind. But he hadn’t. Angry and spewing, he didn’t know how to express his rage. He wanted to hurt the men who had done this to me, and that was a reaction I expected. But violence wouldn’t fix anything. It wouldn’t help me sleep at night and it wouldn’t change what happened. I would always be scarred by that, tainted.
And I didn’t want something to happen to Scotty. Even though I never said it, I loved him. The last thing I wanted was for him to get sucked into this, to regret a decision he made out of anger. I just wanted to forget about everything and move on.
And Scotty finally let me have that.
His gentle nature and tender kisses returned. He ran his fingers through my hair then trailed down my neck, touching me with just the right amount of pressure. That fondness that used to shine in his eyes returned, giving me a warmth that I never received from anyone else. He accepted me for who I was unlike my family. There was nothing I couldn’t tell him.
The semester was coming to an end and Thanksgiving was just around the corner. I hated the holidays. I usually went to my parents' house, where I was berated for being a loser. Ash shined brighter than the sun and my parents showered him with indefinite compliments. Even the casserole I made didn’t receive an acknowledgement. But this year I wouldn’t be spending it with my parents. I’d rather sit in the house by myself than be anywhere near them. Their priorities were wrong. Money, social status, and career meant squat to me. All I wanted was to be happy, to be loved.
Scotty walked with me to the library. “Do you ever get tired of studying?” he teased.
“I like to study now so I can see you on the weekends.”
He nodded. “That’s a good point. I like hoarding you all day and night.”
That made two of us.
He hugged me when we reached the library. “I’ll see you later.”
“Yeah.”
He pulled away then kissed me on the lips. We hadn’t picked up our physical relationship since we got back together. It was on my mind and I wondered if it was on his. Every time his lips pressed against mine I didn’t want them to leave. I wanted him to devour me, to soak me up until nothing was left. But that hadn’t happened. I wasn’t sure if it was too soon. He seemed just as upset about my past as I was. Maybe he wasn’t ready. “Bye, babe.”
“Bye.”
When he walked away, I stared at his back. The muscles were defined through his shirt. His arms were thick and muscular. His thighs reminded me of tree trunks. With a heavy sigh, I walked into the library.
After I found my table in the corner, I hit the books. My art history class was a lot of work but I enjoyed it. While I loved painting and made my living that way, I also loved school. Learning was something I was naturally interested in. When I felt a heated gaze fall on me, the hairs on the back of my neck stood up.
I glanced up, wondering where the look was coming from. My eyes locked onto ones I knew too well. They were blue, the same shade as mine. They were staring back at me, undecipherable.
My heart rate spiked. I was just calm and at ease. Now I was in flight or fight mode. Of all people to stumble across on campus, he was the last person I expected to see in the library. My palms started to sweat and my highlighter slipped from my grasp.
I looked away, unable to look into that face for a second longer. I remembered the way he kissed my neck and cornered me. I remembered the way he shoved the drink in my hand…and I remembered everything else.
Quickly, I shoved my belongings into my bag, needing to get out of there fast. I didn’t know what I expected him to do in the middle of a public place, but I didn’t want to find out. I had to walk past his table to reach the exit, so without looking at him, I did.
“Livia.” His words were quiet but they echoed in the silent library.
Shit.
That voice used to come from a friend, a colleague. I thought I knew him until he ripped me apart.
I needed to get away from him.
I bolted out of the library then practically jogged to my car. I didn’t look behind me to see if I was being followed. I just needed to get away.
Once I was in my car, I l
ocked the doors and started the engine. I glanced around but didn’t see him anywhere. He didn’t chase me down. I leaned back in my seat and caught my breath. He hadn’t tried talking to me in six months. Why did he want to talk now? What did he want?
Shaking the fear off, I headed home and decided to study in my kitchen.
I was painting when I got a text from Scotty.
Hey beautiful lady.
I hated it when people fed me cheesy lines. My whole life I’d been recognized for my beauty, nothing else. But Scotty saw all of me. So when he said I was beautiful, I knew he referred to what was below the surface. Hey handsome guy.
What are you doing tonight?
Painting. And thinking about him.
Keira and Liam invited me to dinner. I want you to come as my squeeze.
Keira? She and I hadn’t spoken since she screamed at me. We weren’t exactly on good terms. I have to finish this piece. Maybe next time.
Keira will be on her best behavior.
That guy could read my damn mind. She hates me.
No, she doesn’t. She’s just protective. And she’s practically my sister so I really want you guys to get along. It means a lot to me.
Ugh… Ash was my closest friend so I understood how he felt. I’ll try.
Thank you. I’ll pick you up in an hour.
Okay.
Can I make a suggestion?
Sure.
I really like it when you wear dresses.
My cheeks blushed. I noticed how he reacted to me depending on my clothes or my mood. Even though he tried to hide it, he was especially attracted to me when I dressed up. I was used to hiding myself from the world but I needed to remember that I didn’t need to do that anymore. I’ll think about it.
That’s all I ask.
Scotty was there in an exactly an hour.
I opened the door. “How are you always so punctual?”
“I get here five minutes early and sit in the car,” he blurted.
“Why don’t you just come to the door?”
“Because then I’d be early.”
“But that’s okay…”
“I don’t want to rush you.” His eyes glanced down at my dress. I was wearing a purple strapless dress. It was tight around my stomach and chest, but loose around my legs. Gold bangles were on my wrist and I wore dangling earrings. My hair was in a braid and over one shoulder. His eyes studied that the most. “You look exceptional.”
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