Struggling to contain her rising alarm, she tried to remember her sister Sherril’s complaints about the first trimester of pregnancy. The nausea she had in spades. But her breasts felt only slightly tender—that could signal her imminent period. Her moodiness could be explained, as well—the last several weeks had been rough emotionally.
Looking around her, praying her suspicions didn’t show on her face, she discovered Helen watching her with bemusement one desk over. When Allie’s gaze met hers, the older woman smiled. “Still pretty overwhelming, I suppose.”
She knows! Oh, my God, she knows! Allie scrambled for a response. “I…I don’t…”
Helen continued to beam. “He can’t be an easy man to be married to, but it’s obvious how much you two love each other.”
Too caught up in relief that Helen hadn’t somehow read her mind, it took Allie a moment to absorb what the older woman had said. Helen thought Lucas loved his wife, that she loved Lucas? Allie nearly denied it, then reminded herself that was exactly the impression she and Lucas should give.
She managed a smile. “Yes, we’re very happy.”
A call diverted Helen’s attention, leaving Allie to stew over her current predicament. Could she be? Could she actually be…? And if she was…
What would Lucas say? What would he do? A child was the one thing he professed to want more than anything. If she were nurturing that precious gift inside her, would he lower the barriers between them, let her break through the impenetrable shell he hid behind?
Even as joy struggled to take form inside her, cold reality crept in and gave her its answer. Lucas could control an adoption, manage it like a business decision. But a child of his own flesh, growing inside her—it would be as if his control had been snatched away. How would he cope with that? Would he respond with anger? Or would he simply retreat further into himself?
Tears pricked at her eyes as exultation warred with heartache. To pray that she was mistaken, that she and Lucas had not made a child, hurt more than she could imagine. But to bring a baby into their false marriage would be terribly wrong.
Another realization exploded within her. She and Lucas had agreed to a temporary union. If she was carrying his child, how could she possibly leave it behind? She couldn’t, not when it was part of her flesh and blood. Not when the man who had fathered the child had come to mean more to her than even her next breath.
As the truth settled in on her, a fist seemed to clutch at her heart. She dropped her head in her hands, closing out the buzz of the office around her. She tried to grasp what her heart had finally managed to communicate to her.
She loved Lucas. Without meaning to, without trying to, she’d fallen in love with her moody, arrogant husband. She’d followed precisely in her mother’s footsteps, something she’d sworn never to do. How could she have let herself stumble down that same path?
Allie raised her head, locked her hands together on her desk. Images drifted in her mind’s eye like a mental collage. Lucas smiling across the table from her at dinner, an unguarded tenderness in his eyes. Lucas pouring her coffee in the morning, taking care to measure out exactly the amount of cream and sugar she preferred. Lucas lost in a nightmare, reaching out to her, finding comfort in her touch.
She loved him not in spite of his arrogance, but because of it—because she knew he used it to mask the pain of his past. And in spite of himself, in spite of the walls he hid behind, there was a part of Lucas reaching out to her. It was that part she had learned to love.
But she couldn’t possibly tell him. If news of her pregnancy would send Lucas running for cover, her admission of her love for him would certainly finish the job.
She wouldn’t tell him. Not about loving him. And until she knew for certain, she’d keep silent about the possibility of a baby, too. She’d pick up a home pregnancy test this evening on her way home from the office, hide it in her room. Just as well she and Lucas had driven in in separate cars today.
She checked the clock again, saw it was time to head for the restaurant. Her hands shook as she powered off her computer and gathered her purse and sweater. She gave Helen a wan smile as she headed for the elevator, felt intense relief when she saw the car was empty. Sinking against the wall as the doors slid shut, she prayed for the strength to get through the next few days.
As she drove the Volvo across town to Cocina Caldera, resolve built inside her. If she did carry Lucas’s child, she would fight for their marriage to continue. She wanted her child in a home with two parents. Even if he never learned to love her, somehow she would teach Lucas to love their son or daughter.
That would simply have to be enough.
Seated across the table from her in Cocina Caldera, Lucas thought he had never seen such turbulent emotions in Allie. One moment she looked troubled, as if the weight of the world were on her shoulders. The next, she couldn’t seem to stop smiling, and the curve of her lips, the giddy joy lighting her eyes set off an answering happiness in his own heart. He’d stayed away from her for nearly a month, he’d deprived himself of such sweetness—he’d been such a jackass.
And the hurt he must have caused her—he hated to think of it. That she could so easily forgive him was a gift he didn’t deserve. He had to find a way to make it up to her, but even the most lavish treasures would be inadequate.
She frowned and looked away and he couldn’t help himself; he reached across the table to take her hand. “What is it?”
A startled expression flashed across her face. “I…oh…” she stammered. “Nothing. I mean…” She looked away briefly, then back at him. “Are you sure about Thanksgiving? Going to my sister’s, I mean.”
The non sequitur threw him for a loop, for a moment distracted him from the fact that she was hiding something. He considered pushing the issue, but why grill her about why she looked so happy? He should simply be grateful that she was.
Stroking his thumb across the back of her hand, he assured her, “Thanksgiving with your family will be fine.”
Her fingers fluttered against his palm, elevating his heart rate. “Because if there’s something you usually do for the holiday—”
“What I usually do,” he said, tightening his hand around hers, “is catch up on work. I can get quite a bit done around the office when no one else is there.”
The sympathy in her soft green eyes curled inside him, at once an ache and a balm. “You don’t have any family at all to spend the day with?”
He shrugged, as if it meant nothing to him. “I’ve shared dinner with John’s family in the Bay area one or two years.”
“What about the Calderas? You must have spent Thanksgiving with them a few times.”
“The Calderas?” he asked carefully.
Color rose in her cheeks. “I had lunch with John while you were gone. We talked.”
So used to protecting his past, he felt immediately on the defensive. “What did he tell you?”
She tipped her chin up. “That you spent a great deal of time in foster homes, one of which was the Calderas.”
He should be outraged, incensed she had pried into his past. But faced with Allie’s earnest gaze, her gentle smile, it seemed ridiculous to deny the importance of his relationship with Teresa and Inez. He felt another shifting inside him, another chink opening in his armor. But instead of filling the space back up, it seemed so much easier to let a little bit of Allie in.
He closed her hand in both of his. “I shared Thanksgiving with the Calderas for several years, both while I lived with them and once I moved out. But when Teresa’s husband Enrique passed away, their Thanksgiving day shifted to one of the cousin’s houses. I have a standing invitation there, but I scarcely know that part of the family.”
“A little awkward, huh?”
Her understanding set him at ease. “Yes. And since I never celebrated the holiday as a child, it’s never been a big deal.”
Her eyes went wide. “Never celebrated Thanksgiving?”
“Never. Not until I
was thirteen. When I lived with the Calderas.”
She seemed to struggle to absorb that fact. “But Christmas—you must have celebrated Christmas.”
All those years of hope and disappointment shouldn’t matter anymore. Seeing the decorations go up at school, in even the poorest homes in his rundown neighborhood and knowing his mother would never do the same in his own home shouldn’t still hurt. But opening himself to Allie seemed to rebuild a path to that old pain, seemed to tear away the protection he’d built around it.
All at once the anger returned and he wanted to lash out. How could he, knowing Allie only probed because she cared? That caring was an integral part of her nature, as natural for her as her next breath.
“I don’t know what John told you, but I suspect our lives were very different, yours and mine.” Swallowing his irritation, he forced himself to voice the words with cool neutrality. “No Christmases, Allie. No Thanksgivings, no birthdays.”
“Oh, Lucas—”
“Please, don’t,” he bit out, jaw aching with tension. “It doesn’t matter. Not anymore.”
It was a lie, a bald-faced lie. Allie could see it in his face. She had to tread carefully. “But the Calderas must have—”
“They tried.” He glanced away, his tone cool. “But by then those days had no meaning to me.”
Anger flooded Allie that the world had been so cruel, had torn apart a young boy’s hopes, leaving none for the man he’d become. She felt angry, too, at Lucas’s mother, a faceless woman who had no doubt fought her own demons.
An idea burst into Allie’s mind, a way to give back to Lucas something he’d lost all those years. Before she could second-guess herself, Allie leapt ahead.
“What if TaylorMade hosted a Christmas party for under-privileged kids?” she blurted out.
Lucas’s brow furrowed. “A Christmas party?”
She nodded, thinking quickly. “We could hold it in the company cafeteria. Have employees volunteer to decorate and to entertain the children.”
“During company time?”
“It wouldn’t have to be. Maybe the Friday before Christmas, right after close of business.”
He stared at her steadily, his expression doubtful. “What about gifts? Christmas presents for the kids—would TaylorMade provide those, as well?”
Was he looking for an excuse to say no? Allie’s stomach fluttered and she had a sudden keen sense of the life within her. In that moment she knew she didn’t need a pregnancy test to know the truth.
Her impulsive suggestion of a Christmas party suddenly took on a tremendous significance. Somehow the celebration, the baby inside her, her hopeless love for Lucas had all become tangled together. She would make sure the holiday party happened if she had to organize every last detail herself.
Determination goaded her. “TaylorMade wouldn’t have to buy the gifts. Let the employees. We’ll put up a ‘wishing tree’ in the lobby. Hang requests on it from local needy kids and let the employees pick the presents they want to buy.”
“What if one of the children gets missed?”
His quiet words were nearly her undoing. Tears sprang to her eyes as she thought of Lucas as a boy, wishing for presents that never came.
“They won’t. I promise.” She rubbed away the wetness in her eyes. “If any kids don’t get picked, I’ll buy their gifts.”
“No.”
“No?” He wouldn’t let her throw the party?
“TaylorMade will purchase the extra gifts.”
Joy burst inside her. “I can give a Christmas party?”
“Of course. Just work up a budget, give it to me next week.”
She laughed at his businesslike tone. “What’s my budget?”
“I’ll leave it to you to decide.” He looked away a moment, his gaze unfocused as if he were a million miles away from the busy, bustling restaurant. Then he returned his attention to her. “I’d like you to talk to Teresa. She’s not a foster parent anymore, but she knows who still is. I’d like to invite local foster children to the party.”
He seemed embarrassed, unsure of her reaction. Allie knew what it had taken for him to make the request, to expose that bit of his past. She tried to think of a way to assure him, to make him understand how much his generosity moved her.
In the end, she just smiled, lifted his hand to her lips. She pressed a kiss to the back of his hand, wishing all that lay in her heart could be transmitted to him through the contact.
I love you, she said silently, with her eyes, with her very soul. I love you, Lucas Taylor.
Chapter Ten
With the arrival of Allie’s cousins from Southern California, the annual Dickenson Thanksgiving gathering reached its usual peak of noise and chaos. The cacophony never failed to fill Allie with joy and this year she had even more reason for happiness.
She was pregnant with Lucas’s child. She had verified it with two home pregnancy tests taken on two separate mornings. And despite the uncertainty of her future with the father of her child, her spirits soared at the prospect of the new life she carried within her.
Confirmation of her pregnancy had lent her strength. She would find a way through this, would find the right words to say to Lucas. Somehow, it would all come out right.
Now she sat on the living-room sofa with her newest niece, Brianna, snuggled in her arms. The five-week-old infant was a precious slight weight as she slept on, oblivious to the din. Allie imagined her own child swaddled like Brianna, gazing up at her with Lucas’s serious gray eyes. She pictured herself bringing the baby to her breast, Lucas looking on with pride.
She glanced over at her husband anxiously. He’d seemed increasingly overwhelmed as the crowd in Sherril and Pete’s house swelled in number. For the past hour, he’d been standing in the corner of the living room, leaning against the bookcase as he watched the commotion around him. To anyone else he would seem aloof, but Allie knew differently. Lucas wanted to be part of the constant motion in the room. He just didn’t know how.
His gaze sought her out and she smiled at him, putting her whole heart into the gesture. He relaxed fractionally, a wisp of an answering smile curving his mouth.
Daniel, Sherril’s five-year-old, seemed as lost as Lucas as he sat Indian-style on the floor near the blaring television. Elbows on knees, chin planted in his hands—Allie had never seen a longer face.
She met Lucas’s gaze again, then glanced significantly down at Daniel. When she returned her focus to Lucas, he seemed startled at first when he absorbed her message. He looked down at Daniel then back at Allie as if to ask, What do I do? She smiled and shrugged, leaving it to him.
Allie thought he might just ignore the boy, but Lucas surprised her. Stepping carefully over six-month-old Juliana, Lucas hunkered down next to Daniel. Allie could see Lucas’s lips moving as he talked to the five-year-old, but couldn’t hear what he said over the steady noise.
Daniel’s face brightened and he said something in response to Lucas. Lucas seemed to hesitate before he nodded. He straightened as Daniel scrambled to his feet. When Daniel captured Lucas’s hand, Allie could see her husband’s awkwardness from across the room. But he recovered quickly, closing his hand around the little boy’s as they made their way back to the bookcase.
As Lucas lowered himself to the floor, Daniel quickly scanned the bottom two shelves of books. He pulled out two in quick succession, considered, then grabbed a third. In another moment, he’d settled in next to Lucas, the books straddling their laps.
Allie’s heart seemed to expand in her chest as she watched Lucas and Daniel take turns reading the books. Lucas listened to Daniel with his trademark single-minded focus, helping with a difficult word, pointing out something interesting on the page. Daniel’s shoulders grew straighter as he read beside his new uncle, his pride in his reading skills evident.
Then Daniel tipped his head up to Lucas and asked him a question. While the little boy waited, his expression expectant, Lucas seemed stunned. Only for an instant, th
en he nodded and spread out his arms in a welcoming gesture. Daniel climbed into Lucas’s lap, snuggling against his broad chest. With his arms around the boy, Lucas leaned against the bookcase as they continued to read.
Tears brimmed in Allie’s eyes as she watched. Lucas’s initial awkwardness had vanished. His contentment shone in the relaxed line of his body, the ease in his shoulders as he helped Daniel turn the pages.
Sherril sat next to Allie, folding her legs under her. “That man will make a wonderful father.”
Warmth spread inside Allie as she considered the treasure growing inside her. “I think you’re right. Until just now, I don’t think I’d ever seen him interact with children.”
Sherril sighed as she watched Daniel bask in the glow of his uncle’s undivided attention. “It’s been hard for Danny these last few weeks. He got to be the baby for so long.” She tapped Brianna lightly on her tiny nose. “Then this monster came to take his place.”
As if sensing her mother’s presence, Brianna shifted in Allie’s arms and woke. The baby gave Allie a worried look, then let loose an indignant yowl.
With gentle hands, Sherril lifted her youngest from Allie’s arms. “She goes from slumber to cranky in one point two seconds. I’d better go change her and feed her.”
Allie pitched her voice higher to be heard over Brianna’s hearty screams. “What can I do to help with dinner?”
Rising, Sherril propped Brianna over her shoulder. “Check on Pete. Make sure he hasn’t massacred the bird.”
As Sherril worked her way through the obstacle course of children and adults draped on the floor or sitting in chairs, Allie headed for the kitchen. She looked over her shoulder to see Lucas watching her leave. He bent down to say something in Daniel’s ear, then the two of them got to their feet.
In the kitchen, the noise level dropped considerably. Clinging to Lucas’s hand, Daniel seemed in seventh heaven. “We’re gonna help, Aunt Allie,” he announced. “Uncle Lucas said.”
“Go check with your father, Daniel,” Lucas told him. “Ask him what to do.”
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