“Why?”
“Because she’s pregnant with my child and she’s still wearing Joker’s rings on her finger. Because she already lost a baby once, and she doesn’t need to be worrying about this shit. I don’t want her to focus on anything but our baby right now, and I really don’t want her stressed or more afraid than she already is. I’m worried if I tell her, things are going to become uncomfortable between us really quickly. She needs someone she can lean on, and I want her to know she can lean on me, that I’ll be there for her no matter what.”
“And you don’t think it would be easier to do if she actually knew how you felt about her? That you love her?”
“No. Telling her I have feelings for her would be one of the most selfish things I could do. This isn’t about me; it’s about our baby and it’s about Dani. She made it pretty clear she didn’t want to complicate things between us, that her focus right now is our child, and I’m going to respect that. I love her, and she’s the mother of my child, and if doing the right thing means I stand by her that’s what I’m going to do. I don’t need to be someone in her life in order for her to be the most important person in mine. We’re having a baby together. We’ll always be connected.”
Noah shook his head.
“What?”
“I can’t decide if that’s the most romantic fucking thing I’ve ever heard or if you’re an idiot.”
I flipped him off for old times’ sake.
“Dude, seriously—like I didn’t watch you make an ass of yourself with Jordan.”
He returned the gesture. “Yeah, but I got the girl.”
I took another swig of beer, staring out at the darkening sky. “And I guess right now that seems less important to me than what Dani needs.”
Silence filled the space around us until finally Noah spoke.
“And what about you? What do you need? What about sex? Are you telling me you’re going to abstain from now on? That you’re going to have a platonic relationship with her and save yourself?”
He would probably die if he realized how long it had been for me; if you took out the night with Dani, and didn’t count the times I got myself off to the memory of that night with Dani, I was practically abstinent.
“This shit is going to blow up,” Noah continued. “There’s no way she isn’t going to figure out what you feel for her. You don’t think she at least suspects it considering the two of you had sex?”
“I don’t know what she thinks, just that we’re going to have a kid, and I need to figure out how to be a dad.” I shot him a pointed look. “I came here for parenting advice, not for you to bust my balls about how I’m fucking up things with Dani.”
“Sorry.”
I shook my head, some of the anger filtering out of me. I hadn’t meant to lose my shit with Noah, but this had been bottled up inside me since Dani told me about the baby, and as hard as I’d tried to keep it away from her, I needed to let loose with someone I trusted.
“No, I’m sorry. This thing has fucked me up a bit, and I’m doing my best to wrap my head around it, but—”
“It’s a lot.”
“Yeah.” I took another gulp of beer, wishing it were something stronger. “I’m happy about the baby, obviously. The idea of having a child . . . with Dani . . .” I swallowed, my chest suddenly tight, a stinging sensation behind my eyes. I cleared my throat. “I don’t know what she wants, though. Not about us, but life. If her house sells, is she planning to leave Oklahoma? How are we going to raise a kid together if we’re living in different places? What if the Air Force sends me overseas for my next assignment? I don’t want to end up seeing my kid a couple times a year.” The pressure got tighter. “What if she meets some guy? What if she remarries?”
“You need to talk to her about it, then. I get that you’re still processing everything, and you don’t want to upset her or stress her out, but you guys are going to need to figure out a custody plan. You’re going to have to figure out how to make things work so you give your kid a stable life. Trust me, as soon as the baby’s here, you aren’t going to want to be away from it.” His voice turned rough. “It was horrible being in Korea without Jordan and Julie. The whole time I wanted to be here, with them; I felt like I was missing out on everything. You don’t want to miss out on your kid’s life.”
“Yeah.”
It was hard enough for the married guys—they spent more time away than home, missed bedtimes and birthdays in the face of twelve-hour workdays and deployments. I’d seen pilot after pilot get out of active duty because it wasn’t conducive to married life. And the divorced guys?
I’d watched guys break down in the bar because they hadn’t seen their kids for months; shared custody arrangements were a bitch with our lifestyle. I didn’t want to be one of those guys—marginalized in my own kid’s life.
I was silent for a beat, staring at the dark sky, trying to get my bearings, to readjust to the notion that suddenly my life looked a hell of a lot different from anything I’d ever imagined. I couldn’t deny I’d spent a good chunk of my life doing whatever the hell I wanted, never having to worry about anyone else. But now there was a baby who would depend on me, and then there was Dani . . .
“I can do this, right? I’m not going to fuck up and ruin the kid for life or something?”
I mean, really, what the hell did I know about being a dad? I was a fighter pilot; “fuck” was pretty much a noun, adjective, and verb in my vocabulary and I used it liberally. What if the kid was fluent in cursing by the time they hit kindergarten? What if they hated me because I missed out on all the important moments in their lives? What if Dani felt like I let her and our kid down?
Sympathy and understanding shone in Noah’s gaze as he slapped me on the back, his voice gruff. “You’ll be fine.”
“Were you—?”
“Utterly terrified?” Noah finished for me.
I nodded.
“Yeah, that comes with the territory. When Jordan told me she was pregnant, I was thrilled, but scared, too. I worried about her getting good medical care, about us being apart when we decided for her to come back to the U.S., worried I’d miss the baby’s birth, that I’d do a shit job at being a birth coach. And the thing is, Jordan was scared, too. It helped to talk about things, to figure it out together. I’m sure Dani’s worried about how everything’s going to come together, and the best thing you can do for the both of you is to talk this shit out.”
“You’re right. I didn’t—” I ran my free hand through my hair, frustration coursing through me. “Maybe we should have talked about it more when she told me. I didn’t know what to say, and more than anything, I didn’t want to say the wrong thing.”
“Don’t be too hard on yourself. She dropped a pretty big bomb on you, and it’s understandable for it to take a moment for you to adjust. Take today to deal with it. Tomorrow go see her and start figuring out how you’re going to make this work.”
“Yeah.”
I drained the bottle of beer, my mind still reeling from how much our lives were about to change.
Noah shook his head, a wry smile on his face. “I can’t believe you’re going to be a dad. I’m happy for you, man. It’s complicated, but you’re going to be great. So will she.”
I exhaled, not realizing until now how much I’d needed to hear those words.
“Thanks. That means a lot. The whole situation . . .” My fingers tightened around the bottle. “It’s weird. I’m happy about the baby, but at the same time I feel guilty for being happy, and then I feel guilty for how fucked up I am about the whole thing.” I swallowed. “He wanted a kid with Dani so badly.”
His voice turned solemn. “I know. I get the guilt—imagine how Dani feels.”
I had. The part of me that had pretty solidly fallen out of fucks to give was ready to tell anyone who passed judgment on us where they could shove it. But the
other part of me that had respected Joker still struggled with feeling like I’d somehow dishonored his memory. And because it mattered so much to Dani, it mattered to me. At the same time, I didn’t want our kid to be something we were ashamed of, or a secret to be hidden away. I was proud, so fucking proud, and there was no way I wanted my son or daughter to think for one moment I didn’t love them.
I set my bottle down on the deck railing, sitting down on the wood steps leading to the yard.
“I know how hard this is for Dani. She’s not ready to tell people; she’s worried about what they’ll think, about how it looks.”
“Are you worried about that?”
“No. It’s different for her. She was his wife—the face of his death, the woman who spoke at the podium, who they mentioned on the news. She feels a responsibility to his memory, as if she’s his legacy or something, as though he’s alive in her. I’m worried she thinks she let him down, that she hasn’t done a good job of keeping him alive.”
My voice cracked. “I get it, because I know how she is, but at the same time, I hate that she’s living her life for someone else, that she’s a living memorial to Joker. She loved him and it doesn’t bother me; I want her to always have that memory, but I wish she could let go for a bit so she could take care of herself more. He loved her so much. He wouldn’t want her to spend the rest of her life in mourning; he’d want her to live.”
“Have you tried telling her that?”
I shook my head. “I don’t know how to talk about Joker with her now. We were friends before we slept together, but now I feel like we’ve complicated everything between us.”
“What do you want? Take Dani out of the equation; forget about your guilt with Joker. Don’t worry about what you think is best for everyone else or what you think you should want. What do you want?”
It was so simple, and so utterly complicated at the same time.
“Dani. I want Dani. I want us to be a family. I want her to be my wife.”
“Then stop being such a fucking pussy and make it happen.”
I shot him a wry look. “Just like that?”
“Just like that. I’ve never known you to not go after what you want. None of this would have happened if she wasn’t attracted to you. I never pushed it before because I didn’t think she felt that way about you. But clearly she does. And you guys were already best friends. That’s a pretty good start to a relationship. You’ll be good for her; you can make her happy. Hell, you already have. Prove it to her.”
SEVENTEEN
EASY
I slept for a few hours after I left Noah’s and then I was up, scouring the books I’d borrowed from Jordan.
An hour into it, I was even more confused than I had been. Who knew kids were this complex? I’d figured I had to work on feeding it and keeping it alive, making sure it was happy and didn’t turn into an asshole. But no. There was all this stuff about parenting styles and sleep training, and if I’d thought learning to fly the F-16 was tough, this was fucking unreal.
I grabbed my cell, dialing Dani’s number, remembering my conversation with Noah last night. I wasn’t going to push, had meant what I said about not putting pressure on Dani, but I fully intended to be there for her, to show her we could be more than friends, to prove I was the right man for her and the baby.
She answered the phone right away.
“So are we going to be authoritarian or indulgent parents?” I asked her.
Laughter filled the line.
“You’re reading parenting books.”
“I am, although I gotta admit I don’t know if they’re making any of this clearer. Did you know this sleep training thing was such a big deal?”
“I’d like to say yes and pretend I did, but honestly, no, not really. Where did you get the books?”
“I borrowed them from Noah and Jordan.”
“So you told him?”
“Yeah, I did. He didn’t know; I guess Jordan never mentioned it to him.”
“How did he handle the news?” Dani asked, worry in her voice.
“He was surprised, but supportive. Really supportive. He’s happy for us, and he’s excited to play Uncle Noah.”
“Good.” She exhaled. “I was worried.”
“I know, but I promise it’ll be okay. Do you trust me?”
“Yeah.”
“Then don’t worry.”
Silence filled the line.
“Dani?”
“I’m nodding.”
I grinned. “Good. So on this parenting thing—can’t we put the kid to bed when it’s tired?”
“You would think, right? Apparently it needs sleep training and a schedule.”
“And some magic beans?”
She laughed.
“So I’m not the only one totally baffled by this?”
“Nope.”
“Thank you. I was beginning to think there was something wrong with me,” I teased. “So how are you feeling?”
“Good.” I heard the sound of sheets rustling on the other end of the line. “Just waking up.”
God, the mental image of her in bed had my dick twitching. I swallowed, fighting the rush of arousal and the urge to reach down and fist my cock.
“Did you sleep okay?” I croaked, stifling a groan.
“Yeah, I did. Before I was pregnant I could get by on five hours of sleep, but now I have to have eight or I’m a mess the next day.”
“What do you have planned for the weekend?” I asked, trying to get my mind out of the gutter.
“Not much. Taking it easy. I’m starting to get to the point where I want to look at baby stuff, but at the same time I’m a little wary to start this early.”
I couldn’t blame her after the last time she’d been pregnant and the miscarriage she’d suffered. She’d said everything was fine with the pregnancy, but I’d definitely feel better about it after going to her doctor’s appointment with her.
“Can I come over today? To hang out? Maybe talk a bit.”
A pause filled the other end of the line. “I’d like that.”
“Awesome. Is there anything you want me to bring over? Pickles? Ice cream? Sprinkle donuts?”
She laughed. “Have you been reading up on pregnancy cravings?”
“Yeah, maybe a little bit. Seriously, though, is there anything you want?”
“Barbecue chips.”
I grinned at how quickly she answered me and the eagerness in her voice.
“Done. Anything else?”
“No, that’s it. I’ll let you know if I come up with anything else. Thanks.”
“No problem. See you in a bit.”
I hung up the phone with Dani, already reassured. I’d meant what I told Noah—I wanted this to work between us. The best way to make that happen was to do everything I could to make Dani happy and comfortable, to take care of her and the baby. Food runs were the easiest thing in the world.
I jumped in the shower and got dressed in record time, already excited over the prospect of seeing her again. I’d tried not to dwell on how much I missed her while I was deployed, worried if I did the three months would simply be unbearable, but now I was back and she was in my life, and I wanted to savor every moment together.
I left the house and drove to the closest grocery store, the car windows rolled down, rock music blaring. I’d missed driving when I was downrange, missed the freedom of getting into my car and going wherever I wanted, missed having a Saturday to myself. As much as I loved to fly, it was nice to not have a mission ahead of me, to sit back and enjoy the fresh air.
I bought Dani a couple bags of barbecue chips, not sure which was her favorite, and then I was back on the road, heading to her place. Ten minutes later I’d parked in her driveway and stood on her doorstep, chips in hand.
Dani answered with a smi
le, her gaze drifting to the shopping bags in my hand. “My hero.”
I laughed, leaning forward and giving her a hug, inhaling the familiar scent of her, savoring the soft curves.
“Glad I could help.”
She stood back, gesturing for me to cross over the threshold. She shut the door behind me and led me into the living room. I sat down on the couch while she went to the kitchen and put the chips away, my gaze running over the room, cataloging all the changes since I’d been here last.
“It looks good.”
She sighed, sitting down next to me. “Thanks. I’ve done two price drops in the last three months, and it’s still sitting here. I’m beginning to wonder if it’ll ever sell.”
“I’m sorry. The market’s tough right now.”
“Yeah, it is. It makes it harder to decide what I want to do. I was hoping to at least have an idea where I’d be living and have a chance to get settled before the baby came. I don’t want to be nine months pregnant and in the middle of a move or something.”
My stomach clenched at the idea of her and our baby moving. It was a distinct possibility, but I’d hoped we could come up with a better solution. I needed to put my “dream sheet” in and give the Air Force my list of assignment preferences soon, was due to PCS to a new base in ten months or so. Sometimes—rarely—you got the assignment you wanted. More often than not, you were shocked by where you ended up. Right now, making sure they didn’t send me overseas seemed like the top priority. I had no clue if Dani’s pregnancy would give me any options, but I’d do the best I could to see if they would accommodate a domestic PCS. But for now—
“You could always stay with me. I have an extra guest room and bathroom, so there’s plenty of room. I want to help however I can.”
She hesitated for a beat. “Thank you; it does help. It’s nice to know I’m not going through this on my own.”
“You’re not. We should probably talk about this stuff. It’s complicated, but it would help us both to figure out what comes next.”
“Agreed.”
On Broken Wings Page 19
