by Elise Whyles
“Does it matter?” Sean leaned over and grabbed the door handle. “Excuse me.”
“I hear you’re a fancy cop or something.”
“Conservation officer. I police the parks and wildlife.” Sean shrugged. “And I’m working, so if you don’t mind?” He glanced pointedly at the man’s hand.
“Good for you. Deserve to have more than the old man wanted for you. Don’t you go worry about him, his time’s coming.” He slammed the door with a grin and walked toward the front step.
Sean watched him stride inside and shook his head. Back out of the yard, he headed for town. Reaching to the dash, he dialed a now familiar number on his Bluetooth and counted the rings.
“Constable Feller.”
“Afternoon, Rick.” Sean exhaled, his heart throbbing loudly. Why he kept calling he didn’t know, he just knew he had to. Some part of him didn’t want to give up on Luke even when the rest of him knew it was an exercise in futility. “How’s he doing?”
“They sent him home yesterday. Dropped him off myself. Man’s miserable.” The sound of papers shuffling filled the cab for a moment before Rick cleared his throat. “Look, I’m not sure what happened between you, and I’m not sure I want to know. You need to fix it. Luke’s miserable, he’s hurting bad, and he won’t talk to me.”
“I’ve tried. He won’t talk to me, hung up when I called him a couple of days ago.” Sean passed a slow-moving car, noting the license plate absently.
“Well, you guys need to figure it out. You sound about as happy as a bull moose with a sore dewlap. He’s barely sleeping, and Gillian told me he refused her help.”
“I don’t know what to do, Rick. He jumped to a conclusion and wouldn’t let me explain. How the hell am I supposed to help him when he shut me out?” Sean winced as his voice broke.
“I don’t know, but you need to do something.” Rick sighed. “You back in town?”
“Yeah, something. Yeah, I’ll be home late tonight. Look, I’m heading over tomorrow to pick up my truck.”
“What are you driving? I thought you’d already picked it up.”
“No, can’t pick something up when I have the company truck; Craig said since I’m still working to keep this one. Besides, I went back to the station for six weeks. Just been bouncing around since then.”
“You back in Banff?”
“No. I took an office job in town to be closer to Luke. Not that he wants me closer. Probably cursing the day he met me.” Sean heaved a breath. “Look, I’ll head out tomorrow to pick up the truck. My replacement’s going to drive me. Figured you’d like to know in case he calls you about me being there.”
“Sean, I really wish…”
“As Beth once said, wishing will get a head full of dreams and a heart full of pain. Gotta go.” Hanging up, Sean pushed down on the accelerator as the exit came into sight. He’d stop by his sister’s before he went to get his truck. Then he’d need to re-evaluate his life. It was time to stop living on the faint hope Luke would accept him, would forgive him, and start planning the rest of his life.
If the thought hurt, he pushed aside the pain and focused on the road. Cranking the radio to drown out the memories, he swallowed against the rising pain and clenched the steering wheel.
Chapter 21
Sean smiled his thanks as the young officer replacing him pulled away from the curb. Digging his key out of his pocket, he glanced down the driveway to where his truck sat parked.
“Just get in and drive,” he muttered to himself. “You don’t have to see him. Hell, he doesn’t want to see you so it’ll be painless.”
Hefting his bag onto his shoulder, Sean hurried down the driveway. Every step hurt a bit more as he stopped next to his truck and sorted through the keys. Sticking it in the lock, he turned it and breathed a sigh of relief. With a quick flick of his wrist, he tossed his bag into the back.
“What the hell are you doing here?” Luke’s voice cut through the silence, and Sean tensed. Closing his eyes against the fresh pain, he shrugged.
“Just getting my truck.” He tugged on the handle, opening the door with ease. “Won’t be but a minute, and then I’ll be out of your hair. You made your position abundantly clear the other day when you hung up on me.”
“Rick told me you called him yesterday.”
Sean shook his head, anger mixing with the pain, the longing, and he froze for a second. “Yeah, well, I figured I’d let him know. Didn’t want to get arrested for getting my own wheels.” He turned, his breath catching in his throat.
Luke’s arm was wrapped in a pristine white bandage, sweats hung low on his hips, and a loose shirt hung from his shoulders. From beneath the fabric he caught the flash of white. Sean glanced around uneasily and pushed aside the need to run his hands over Luke to see if he was healing.
“What happened to your face?” Luke limped closer, and his eyes narrowed.
“I had a run-in with a fist.” Sean winced as he pressed against his split lip; it still didn’t hurt as bad as his heart did. “Look, I’m sorry, I didn’t think you’d be home or I’d have waited to…”
“To what? Didn’t want to stop by for one for the road?” Luke sneered.
Sean closed his eyes at the barb, his shredded heart bleeding just a little more. He’d never felt this kind of pain. Even when Marcia and his parents turned on him it hadn’t hurt this much. Lifting a hand, he pressed it to his chest, his heart racing beneath the flesh and bones. Sean swallowed and turned to climb in the truck.
“The rest of your gear’s in the house. Craig dropped it by yesterday. Something about your replacement didn’t need any of your spare gear.” Luke gestured behind him, his face an unreadable mask.
“Throw it away,” Sean croaked, the need to flee rising. It gnawed at him. If he didn’t get away soon he’d break, and if all he got to take out of this was his pride, he’d be damned if he’d let Luke know it. “I don’t need or want it.”
“Yeah, I guess you wouldn’t.” Luke turned and headed for the house.
Fury rose, crashing over the pain of Luke’s cold attitude. After slamming the truck door, Sean stormed after him. Sean stepped into his path and glared. “No, you don’t get to be an asshole, Luke. You don’t get to play the poor little me. I didn’t use you. Not once in the entirety of our relationship did I use you.” Sean jabbed him in the chest, mindful of his bandage. “So you do whatever the fuck you want, but don’t blame me. I’ve had plenty of time to think since you kicked me to the curb.”
“Yeah, I’m sure…”
“Shut up, Luke. I know I wasn’t the greatest lover you’ve ever had; hell, probably pretty mediocre, but I gave you everything. So what if the thought of my dad hurting you made me want to avoid crowds? Yeah, I’m a real bastard for wanting to love you without having to worry about you paying for it. Ooh, there’s my selfishness. Damn you to hell, Luke Marshall, if I could go back I would. No, that’s not true at all. I wouldn’t change anything about what we had, because to me it was worth something.” He shrugged, deflating as his anger died. “Even now, all I want to do is hold you, to ease the hurt, to be sure you’re okay. Makes me laughable, doesn’t it? A mediocre fuck, a pitiful, useless piece of ass you can pretend never happened.” His gaze cut past Luke to the expensive car pulling into the driveway. Choking back tears, he stepped back. “Your new boyfriend’s here. Better tell him not to park behind me.”
Sean forced himself to ignore the shocked look on Luke’s face, and he stepped around him as the car rolled to a stop and a tall, well-dressed man stepped out. He forced himself to walk to his truck and climbed in. Cranking the engine over, he checked behind him and slid it into reverse.
“When will this stop hurting?” he whispered to the empty truck cab as a single tear rolled down his face. Without a backward glance, he put the truck into drive and headed west in a flurry of squealing tires and silent recriminations.
* * * *
Nudging open the door to Don’s, Rick swept his gaze around the n
early deserted bar and sighed. He nodded at Don who gestured to a back corner table as he walked past the bar.
“Been here for the better part of the day,” Don revealed. “Ain’t said more than a few words, refused to eat. Just keeps the drinks coming.”
Rick smiled at the aging bartender and hurried over to the table littered with beer bottles and shot glasses. “Hey.” He stared at the collection of refuse on the table and wondered how Sean was still functional.
“Hey.” Sean hiccupped and gestured to the bar. “I’m not causing a disturbance, Officer.”
Glancing down at his uniform, Rick sighed. “Look, just because I’m not a regular patrol man doesn’t mean you need to get stuffy. I just got off duty. I’m not usually in uniform, but the office was short today so I traded in my civvies for my uniform.” He shucked his coat and slid into the booth across from Sean, concern flaring when he just shrugged.
“I fucked it up.” Sean lifted the bottle of beer to his lips. “My whole life’s gone to shit and ain’t nobody around to care.”
“I care.”
“Ha. No, you don’t. You’re Luke’s buddy. His friend, his protector. Maybe you’re an ex-lover.” Sean leaned closer to the table. “He’s a great lay, isn’t he? Man’s got magic hands.”
Rick flushed at the slightly slurred words. “Sean, this isn’t like you.”
“How would you know? You don’t know me. Don’t know what it’s like to be me. Man, I hate my life. I hate loving a man who hates me. I hate having a small dick, hate this table, this beer … any beer. Hate my family. Except for Beth. Hate it all.”
Panic swelled as the litany got longer. Rick grabbed Sean’s wrist. “Talk to me, man.”
“I got my truck.” Sean laughed humorlessly, the sound eclipsed by the sob he struggled to contain. “He just looked at me like I was slime. I gave him everything, my heart and soul, and what does he give me in return? Hey, I’ll accuse you of something so you won’t know I’m not interested in more than a fast fuck that’s over the minute the season is over. Or until you do something that doesn’t go with what I want from you.”
“That doesn’t sound like Luke.” Rick shifted. “The man cares.”
“Course he does. He cares about you, about Jack, about his new boyfriend, about his job. I was stupid to think a man like Luke would want someone like me.” Sean lifted his head and shot a glance at the bar. He held up the empty and three fingers.
“There’s only two of us at this table,” Rick pointed out. “One of which isn’t drinking.”
“They’re for me.” Sean dug into his pocket and pulled out a bill. Unfolding it, he held it up to the waitress who carried a tray. She offered a quick smile and the change before hurrying back to the bar.
“Sean, you can’t hide from this. Look, Luke can be a bit of a jerk at times, but his heart is in the right place. He’s hurting, feels guilty for what happened.”
“Nothing happened!” Sean shouted. “What could possibly happen, Rick? Oh right, the poor virgin fell in love.”
“Did you use him?” Stacking the empties to one side, Rick shifted in his seat. Even though they’d only known each other a short time, he felt a sort of affinity with Sean. The man had more than his share of crap to deal with, and he didn’t seem to be prepared to handle it all. Besides, friends didn’t turn their backs on each other, especially when one of them was hurting. “Did you set out to hurt him? To take advantage?”
Sean lifted his head, and Rick felt his heart ache. There was so much pain in the green depths it was amazing Sean was sitting upright. “I didn’t want to get involved. Three years of coming to terms with who and what I am, and I wasn’t looking for anyone. I didn’t want to risk it. But he’s so damn lovable, I just wanted to grab him and hold him. Even now. And it’s killing me. I’m so scared people are going to see. Going to know. How can I make them understand what I’m not sure of myself?”
“What do you mean?” The door slid open and Rick glanced at it. His eyes widened when Jack and a ragtag Luke stepped inside. The pair headed for a table on the other side of the bar, and he felt a momentary panic—they couldn’t have missed seeing him, so why would they leave him with the guy who looked ready to cry? He looked at Luke’s pain-filled gaze before he glanced at Sean, and he stifled a wince at the misery in Luke’s look. There was more than a little emotion toward Sean. If he didn’t know any better, he’d swear Luke was in love with him and it was killing both of them.
“He told me he’d kill him,” Sean muttered into his beer. “Told me I wasn’t his son anymore. How can someone do that? I didn’t ask to be gay. Anymore than you did! At least he’s safe from him.”
Rick gaped. Where had he gotten the idea he was gay? Had Luke said something about when they’d been kids and drunk? He felt the heat crawling up his face; kissing his best male friend had been an experience, and he wasn’t in any hurry to repeat it. “You’re taking too much on yourself.” Rick patted his hand. “You’re not sick or perverted, and being gay is the same as being blue-eyed. It’s just the way we are.”
“Not if you’re my dad.” Sean drained the bottle of beer, his eyes unfocused, lids falling to cover them. He leaned heavily against the table. “Did you know my dad beats my mom. Calls them reprimands. He used to do it to my sister and I. Until she married Dickwad and got out. I hate them.”
“Did you tell this to Luke? Maybe if he knew he’d understand.”
Sean shook his head wildly, his face losing some color. “No! Why in the world would I tell him? Bad enough the man pities me.”
“Now, Sean, you can’t believe for a moment Luke’s so shallow. He wouldn’t have been involved with you if he did…”
“Men want big dicks same as women … or so I’ve been told. I’m not.”
“Not what?” Rick leaned forward at the sudden shift in topics. What did having a big dick have to do with his father beating his mom?
“Big dicked,” Sean muttered into his bottle. “Marcia said she couldn’t even feel me! How the hell does one cope? I mean, what is it about me that both of my firsts kick me to the curb? Something’s wrong with me.”
“No, nothing’s wrong with you.” Rick glanced up as the waitress gathered the empties.
“Coffee for you, hon?” She popped her gum at him and set a steaming mug in front of him. “What can I get you, sport?”
“Uh, another round.” Sean slurred his words. “And a double shot.”
“You can’t continue to serve him. He’s beyond the legal limit, and I don’t need a breathalyzer to figure that out.” Rick glared at her.
“It’s watered down.” The waitress leaned in to whisper before jogging back to the bar.
“Yep, flawed. That’s me. You know, it didn’t hurt this bad when Marcia left me.” Sean pointed a finger at the wall. “Stop moving, Rick. You’re making me sick to my stomach.”
Rick pushed the mug of coffee across the table. “Have some of this. It’ll help.”
“Nothing is going to help. He said he loved me … said it was laughable. Ha. I’m laughable.”
“I’m sure that’s not what he said.”
“Said it was laughable and then said I was ashamed. Only thing I’m ashamed of is how eager I was to get into his bed. But then, you know that, right? I hate my dad.”
“You mentioned that.” Rick sighed as a hint of green started up Sean’s neck toward his face.
“You really need to keep still. I don’t feel so great.” Sean slid toward the end of the booth. “I think I’m gonna…”
“Be sick.” Rick groaned as he caught Sean and hustled the drunken man toward the bathroom, all the while shooting daggers at Don, Jack, and Luke. Damn fools. Any man could see Sean was suffering, and they were just sitting there. “Come on, lover boy. Let’s get you into the bathroom.” Nudging the door open, he pointed Sean into a stall just as Sean hit his knees. Groaning, Rick leaned against the wall, the sound of Sean’s body’s displeasure loud in the bathroom. He grabbed a handful of pa
per towels, wet them down with cold water, and grabbed him off the floor.
“Come on, you can’t sleep here. I’ll take you home, and you can sleep it off there.” Rick leaned him against the wall before washing his face and neck down with cold water.
“No, not going home. I need another beer.” Sean staggered against him, his hand smoothing down the front of Rick’s uniform. “I need to forget, Rick, need to not know just how pathetic and lacking I am. You know, it should have been me that night and then none of this would have happened.”
Rick cringed at the smell of bile and beer. “Naw, it shouldn’t have been you or Luke. You guys are perfect for each other. Come on, let’s go. What I do for my friends. You’re not going to make it to another beer.” Wrapping his arm around Sean, he hefted him closer and shuffled toward the door. “Yep, a nice comfortable bed, a bottle of aspirin and a pitcher of water, and you’ll be good to go.”
All but dragging the still muttering Sean toward the door, Rick glared at Don who grinned and waved before returning his attention to the glasses he was polishing. The door caught him in the back as they stumbled outside. Sean’s muttering was growing fainter and fainter as he clung to him.
Praying Sean didn’t decide to throw up on him, Rick all but shoved him into the passenger side of the cruiser and hurried around the hood. Reaching for the door handle, he shook his head. “The prick owes me.”
“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” Luke’s icy voice held little humor.
Rick glanced at his friend and hid a grin. Fury and jealousy were written as clear as day on Luke’s face. His glare kept going to where Sean hunched over in the seat. “Taking him home, he needs to be in bed. How’s the arm?”
“Fine. Why are you taking him home? He’s…” Luke stepped closer. “Damn it, Rick.”
“Why not? It’s not like it’s up to you anymore, is it? You kicked him out of your life,” Rick snapped before relenting. “Look, I want to have a shower. So we’ll catch you later, okay? Say hi to Jack and Gillian for me, would you.” Sliding into the cruiser, Rick glanced at Sean who lolled back against his seat.
