“Take him home?” Laura pulled herself to a sitting position. “Did you say, ‘Take him home’?”
The doctor nodded, and Eli reached for her hand. “Laura, we can get through this. We—”
She jerked her hand away. “We’ve just been told that our son probably has Down syndrome, and you’re saying, ‘We can get through this’?” She shook her head slowly. “The baby isn’t normal, Eli. He doesn’t belong with us.”
Eli studied Laura a few seconds. “Who does he belong with?”
“If he’s handicapped, he belongs in a home for handicapped children.”
Eli looked at her as if she had lost her mind. “That’s not our way, Laura. We take care of our own—even the handicapped children.”
“But I don’t know how.”
“You’ll learn, same as other parents with handicapped children have done.”
Laura turned her head toward the wall. “Leave me alone, Eli. I need to sleep.”
He bent to kiss her forehead. “I’ll be back tomorrow, and we can talk about this then.”
As soon as Eli left the room, Laura reached for the phone by the side of her bed. It was time to call Mom and Dad.
***
“Meade Residence, this is Wesley speaking.”
“Dad, it’s me.”
“Laura, it’s good to hear your voice. Your mother and I were just talking about you. We were wondering how you’re doing and—”
“Is Mom there?”
“Yes, she’s out in the kitchen.”
“You’d better put her on the phone. I have something important to tell both of you.” Laura’s voice trembled, and he felt immediate concern.
“Irene, pick up the phone in there,” Wesley hollered. “Laura’s on the line.”
A few seconds later, his wife came on the phone. “Hello, Laura. How are you, dear?”
Laura sniffed and sucked in her breath, like she was choking on a sob. “N–not so good, Mom. The baby’s here, and—”
“You’ve had the baby? Oh, that’s wonderful. What did you have?”
Wesley shifted the phone to his other ear while he waited for Laura’s response. If she was only calling to tell them that the baby had been born, would she sound so upset?
“The doctors have some more tests to run, but they think David—our son—might have Down syndrome.”
Wesley winced as he heard his wife’s sharp intake of breath. “Laura, could you repeat that?”
“The baby was born this evening, and his breathing is irregular. He’s got auburn hair like mine, but he doesn’t look right, Dad.” There was a pause. “The doctors told us awhile ago that they suspect Down syndrome, and Eli expects—” Laura’s voice broke on a sob.
“Eli expects what, Laura?” Wesley prompted.
“He expects me to take care of the baby, even if he is handicapped.”
“What? He’s got to be kidding!” Irene’s voice came through the line so shrill that Wesley had to hold the phone away from his ear. “Laura, if the baby is handicapped, he should be put in a home.”
“That’s what I said, too, but Eli said it’s not the thing to do, and—” Laura coughed and sniffed. “I know nothing about caring for a disabled child, Mom. I’m not even sure I can take care of a normal baby.”
Wesley’s forehead beaded with sweat, and he reached up to wipe it away. “Do you want us to come there, Laura? I can see about getting some plane tickets right away.”
“Oh, but Wesley, I have a hectic schedule with that benefit dinner I’m planning for the hospital guild this week. It would be hard for me to find someone to fill in for me at this late date.”
He gritted his teeth. How could Irene think of a benefit dinner at a time like this? Didn’t she realize how much Laura needed them right now? “If your mother’s too busy, I’ll fly out there myself.”
Laura drew in a shuddering sigh. “Could you wait a few days—until we get the test results back on David, and Eli and I have had time to figure out what we’re going to do?”
“Sure, I can do that. Maybe by then your mother will be free to come with me.”
No comment from Irene. What was that woman thinking, anyhow?
“I’d better go,” Laura said. “A nurse just came into the room to check my vitals.”
“Okay, honey. Call us as soon as you have some news.” “I will. Bye.”
As soon as Wesley hung up the phone, he headed straight for the kitchen. If nothing else got resolved tonight, he was going to give his wife a piece of his mind!
CHAPTER 27
The baby was brought to Laura the following day, and she could barely look at him. The nurse held David up and showed her that he had ten fingers and ten toes.
Fingers that are short and stubby, Laura thought bitterly. She noticed the infant’s forehead. It sloped slightly, and his skull looked broad and short. The distinguishing marks of Down syndrome were definitely there. The doctor had been in earlier and explained that David might also be likely to have heart problems, hearing loss, or poor vision. He’d said that Down syndrome was a genetic disorder, resulting from extra chromosomes.
How could this have happened? Laura screamed inwardly as tears rolled down her cheeks. She looked away and told the nurse to take the baby back to the nursery.
Laura was still crying when Eli entered the room, carrying a potted plant. “I got you an African violet from the Beachys’ greenhouse, and—” He dropped it onto the nightstand and moved quickly to the bed. “What’s wrong? Is it something about David?”
She hiccupped loudly and pulled herself to a sitting position. “I just saw the baby and was told earlier that he does have Down syndrome.”
Eli sank to the chair beside her bed and groaned. “I was afraid of that.”
“I called my parents last night.”
“What’d they say?”
“Mom said David should be put in a home.”
“No.”
“I think she’s right, Eli. A disabled child would take a lot of work.”
He nodded. “Jah, I know, but David has just as much right to live a normal life as any other child.”
“But he’s not normal, and I—I don’t know how to care for him.”
“Mom will be there to help whenever you need her.”
Laura shook her head as another set of tears streamed down her cheeks. “I can’t do this, Eli. Please don’t ask it of me.”
Eli rubbed his thumb gently back and forth across her knuckles. “God gave us David so He must have had a reason for choosing us as his parents. Now we’ll love him ... cherish him ... protect him...”
Laura’s eyes widened. “God was cruel to allow such a thing!”
“God knows what’s best for each of us. The book of Romans tells us that all things work together for good to them that love God,” Eli said softly. He pointed to the African violet. “Just like this plant needs to be nourished, so does our son. God will give us the strength and love we need to raise him.”
Laura closed her eyes and turned her head away from Eli. Was she somehow responsible for this horrible nightmare?
***
Laura went home from the hospital the following morning, but the baby would have to stay a few more days. The doctors said he might be ready to take home next week, so this gave Laura a short reprieve. She needed some time to decide what to do about the problem.
Eli had taken time off from work to hire a driver and pick her up at the hospital, but soon after the driver dropped them off at home and Eli had seen that Laura was settled in, he left for work. It was better that way. She wanted to be alone, and if he’d stayed home with her, they would have argued about Eli expecting her to care for David.
Laura poured herself a cup of chamomile tea and curled up on the living-room couch. Reliving her dialogue with Eli at the hospital, her heart sank to the pit of her stomach.
She closed her eyes and tried to shut out the voice in her head. God is punishing me for pretending to be religious. I tricked Eli
into marrying me by making him think I had accepted his beliefs and his way of life.
Laura’s eyes snapped open when she heard a distant clap of thunder. She stared out the window. Dark clouds hung in the sky like a shroud encircling the entire house.
“The sky looks like I feel,” she moaned. “My life is such a mess. I wish I had never met Eli Yoder. We should never have gotten married. I should not have gotten pregnant.”
The realization of what she’d said hit Laura with such intensity, she thought she had been struck with a lightning bolt. “Oh, no! Dear Lord, no!” she sobbed. “You’re punishing me for not wanting to be pregnant, not just for lying to Eli about my religious convictions.” She clenched her fists so tightly that her nails bit into her skin as she grappled with the reality of the moment. “That’s why David was born with Down syndrome—because God is punishing me.” Laura fell back on the sofa pillows and sobbed until no more tears would come.
When the wave of grief finally subsided, she sat up, dried her eyes, and stood. She knew what she had to do. She scrawled a quick note to Eli, placed it on the kitchen table, and went upstairs.
***
“Laura, I’m home!” Eli set his lunch pail on the cupboard. No sign of Laura in the kitchen. He moved through the rest of the downstairs, calling her name. She wasn’t in any of the rooms.
She must be upstairs resting. She’s been through a lot this week, so I’d better let her sleep awhile.
Eli went back to the kitchen. He would fix himself a little snack, then go outside and get started on the evening chores.
There was an apple-crumb pie in the refrigerator, which Mom had brought over last night. He grabbed a piece, along with a jug of milk, and placed them on the table. Not until he took a seat did Eli see the note lying on the table. He picked it up and read it:
Dear Eli,
It pains me to write this letter, even more than the physical pain I endured in childbirth. I know you don’t understand this, but I can’t take care of David. I just don’t have what it takes to raise a handicapped child.
I have a confession to make. I’m not who you think I am—I’m not really a believer. I only pretended to be one so you would marry me. I tried to be a good wife, but I could never seem to measure up.
Pauline was right when she said she would be better for you. It would have saved us all a lot of heartache if you had married her instead of me.
I hope you’ll forgive me for leaving you in the lurch, but I’ve decided to go home to my parents. I know I’m not deserving of your forgiveness, but please know that I do love you. I’ve always loved you.
Always,
Laura
The words on the paper blurred. Eli couldn’t react. Couldn’t think. Could hardly breathe. He let the note slip from his fingers as a deep sense of loss gnawed at his insides. Laura wouldn’t pack up and leave without speaking with me first, without trying to work things out.
When the reality of the situation fully registered, he propped his elbows on the table and cradled his head in his hands. “Oh, Laura ... I just didn’t know.”
***
During her first few days at home, Laura slept late, picked at her food, and tried to get used to all the modern conveniences she had previously taken for granted. Nothing seemed to satisfy her. She was exhausted, crabby, and more depressed than she’d ever been in her life. Things had changed at home. Maybe it was she who had changed, for she now felt like a misfit.
Today was her and Eli’s first anniversary, and she was miserable. As she sat at the kitchen table, toying with the scrambled eggs on her plate, Laura thought about their wedding day. She could still hear Bishop Wagler quoting scriptures about marriage. She could almost feel the warmth of Eli’s hand as they repeated their vows. She had promised to be loyal to Eli, to care for him and live with him until death separated them, but she’d failed miserably. A painful lump lodged in her throat. She deserved whatever punishment God handed down.
Mom entered the kitchen just then, interrupting Laura’s thoughts. “This came in the mail,” she said, handing Laura a letter. “It’s postmarked ‘Lancaster, Pennsylvania.’”
Laura’s fingers shook as she tore open the envelope, then began to read:
Dear Laura,
I knew you were upset about the baby, and I’m trying to understand. What I don’t get is how you could up and leave like that without even talking to me first. Don’t you realize how much David and I need you? Don’t you know how much I miss you?
David’s breathing better now, and the doctors let him come home. Mom watches him when I’m at work, but it’s you he’s needing. Won’t you please come home?
Love,
Eli
Tears welled in Laura’s eyes and spilled onto the front of her blouse. Eli didn’t seem angry. In fact, he wanted her to come home. He hadn’t even mentioned her lies. Had he forgiven her? Did Eli really love her in spite of all she’d done?
Maybe he doesn’t believe me. He might think I made everything up because I couldn’t deal with our baby being born handicapped. He might want me back just so I can care for his child.
Laura swallowed hard and nearly choked on a sob. No matter how much she loved Eli and wanted to be with him, she knew she couldn’t go back. She was a disgrace to the Amish faith, and she had ruined Eli’s life.
***
The days dragged by, and Laura thought she would die of boredom. The weather was dreary and cold, and even though Mom tried to encourage her to get out and socialize, Laura stayed to herself most of the time. She thought modern conveniences would bring happiness, but they hadn’t. Instead of watching TV or playing computer games, she preferred to sit in front of the fire and knit or read a book. There was something about the Amish way of life she couldn’t quite explain. At times when she’d been living with Eli, she had felt a sense of peace and tranquillity that had calmed her soul like nothing else she’d ever known.
It was strange, but Laura missed the familiar farm smells—fresh-mown hay stacked neatly in the barn, the horses’ warm breath on a cold winter day, and even the wiggly, grunting piglets always squealing for more food. Laura was reminded of something Eli had once said, for much to her surprise, she even missed the predictable wake-up call of the rooster each morning. She missed her plain clothes, too, and felt out of place wearing blue jeans again.
By the middle of December, Laura felt stronger physically, but emotionally she was still a mess. Would she ever be able to pick up the pieces of her life and go on without Eli? Could she forgive herself for bringing such misery into their lives?
If God was punishing her, why did Eli have to suffer, as well? He was a kind, Christian man who deserved a normal, healthy baby. He had done nothing to warrant this kind of pain. How could the Amish refer to God as “a God of love”?
Laura sat on the sofa in the living room, staring at the Christmas tree, yet not really seeing it. What’s Eli doing right now? Does he miss me, like he said in his letter? No doubt he and the baby will be spending the holidays with his parents. If I could turn back the hands of time and make everything right between me and Eli again, I’d even learn how to fix the pickled beets he likes so well.
Laura glanced at her parents. They sat in their respective recliners: Dad reading the newspaper, Mom working on Christmas cards. They didn’t seem to have a care in the world. Didn’t they know how much she was hurting? Did they think this was just another typical Christmas?
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