2. A peacoat. Every man should have a peacoat in his closet. It’s a classic, born of a great military tradition that’s stood the test of time. And in my book, anything that manages to get from the military to the gay man’s wardrobe has got to be good. Don’t ask, I’ll tell.
The classic peacoat comes in dark-as-midnight navy blue wool and is military inspired. You can buy the real thing from an army navy surplus store. Or you can buy a fashion version from a designer. The fashion version might be a little cuddlier and more comfortable, and might be leaner in cut. But it’s your choice—either’s fine.
Peacoats are warm and sophisticated, and look great with anything from jeans to a suit. They can be very dressed up or very casual. Guys look hot in them. Think of Marlon Brando in On the Waterfront. Hello! I came this close to joining the navy because of that look. I found myself at the recruiting office, only to learn that fashion options are somewhat limited in the military. “What is all this white after Labor Day?” I politely inquired. “It’s the uniform,” the recruiter answered. “As in, dressed like everybody else?” I asked in horror. “No, thank you!” So I marched right out of there and over to Saks Fifth Avenue, where, lucky for you and our national security, I began a career in neckwear instead.
You might occasionally see peacoats out there in different fabrics and colors beyond basic navy wool. That’s the thing about fashion; it’s always reinventing itself. It’s the designer’s job to innovate—to dream up new interpretations.
You’ll see peacoats in cashmere or leather or nylon. Those are all great options if you’re going to invest in more than one. If you’re just getting one, make it classic. Because after wearing that orange-nylon-and-corduroy peacoat you thought was such a fun twist on a fashion basic just a couple of times, you might get sick of it and long for a simple navy wool one.
3. A windbreaker. You need to have the right outerwear for the right season, and for spring and fall, a windbreaker is a nice, light jacket that’s going to do the job for you. One thing I hate to see is someone suffering from seasonal dyslexia—you know, wearing a fur coat and earmuffs when it’s 55 degrees out. Now, I love sheared beaver as much as the next guy, but there is a time and a place for everything. (For more on that, see chapter nine.) A jacket is meant to keep you warm and dry and comfortable, and those needs will change from season to season. Your jacket shouldn’t make you sweat like Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker at tax time.
I know I sound like a broken record, but when it comes to the windbreaker, it’s really important to keep it simple. It should be light and lean and mean, and should do its job of chill chasing without detracting from the rest of your look. A good windbreaker should be made of a lightweight luxury nylon—yes there is such a thing as luxury nylon, just ask your friendly sales associate—or coated cotton twill. I like a short, plain-front zip-up that’s not too fussy, maybe with two slash pockets. (Those are pockets without flaps, people.)
While it’s very tempting, especially in spring, to buy an orange or bright blue windbreaker, take a step back, take a deep breath, and realize that neutral-colored windbreakers are always going to serve you best. Remember that they have to work in both spring and fall. Navy, black, and khaki are all good choices. Avoid white because you can only use it for spring, unless you’re planning on enrolling in a shuffleboard league in Boca.
4. A topcoat. This is the fancy overcoat you’ll wear over a suit. Think about Cary Grant and those classic suits he would wear. He always had a topcoat and he always looked cool. A topcoat is made to fit like a suit, because it is a suit. It’s the third piece to a suit. (Or the fourth if you’re Uncle Wiggly.)
You want to look for an overcoat made of natural fibers: wool, camel hair or—chaching!—cashmere if you dare, in a simple, conservative charcoal gray, navy, or camel. Beyond that, consider the exact same things you would look for in choosing a suit. (See chapter five.) A topcoat is just like a long suit coat made of thicker wool material. Inspect the buttonholes, the lining, the shoulder construction, the stitching. Just like on a suit jacket, the buttons on a good overcoat should be a natural material like horn, not plastic.
The sleeves of a topcoat need to be longer than your suit and your shirt, because they’re meant to protect them. Ideally, your coat should extend about a half inch beyond your suit sleeves. As for the length, three-quarter length topcoats, which come to the knee, are acceptable only if you’re on the shorter side, because a full-length coat will drown you. Men who are average height or taller should invest in a full-length topcoat, which hits from just below the knee to halfway down the calf. It shouldn’t be so long that it restricts you in walking or makes you look like a friar going to vespers. Speaking of friars, you might want to avoid brown topcoats, so that nobody asks you for directions to the local monastery or for a spot of Frangelico.
Take Off the Labels, People!
If you are wearing an overcoat or a suit jacket that comes with an outer label stitched onto the forearm or wrist area, please put down this book and go clip it off. And for God’s sake use a nail clipper and not scissors, so you don’t cut a hole in your fabulous new coat.
5. Tell me about leather, daddy. (The leather jacket.) A leather jacket is an important addition to your closet because it adds just a little bit of ruggedness and flair to your look. It takes things from being just a little wimpy and adds a real toughness to them, which I love. And just like Asian women, good-quality leather will age beautifully.
Keep in mind, though, that if you live somewhere with really brutal winters, a leather jacket is probably not going to be your best bet for a primary winter coat. Because leather is skin, it conducts temperature rather than truly insulates. It will never be as warm as wool or cashmere, which can actually trap air in between the weave of the fibers.
When it comes to a leather jacket, you want to look for a classic motorcycle jacket,—think James Dean, not Fonzie—a leather pea coat or a three-quarter-length car coat. Just avoid the bomber jacket at all costs. Top Gun had its moment, and it’s over. So let’s let it rest peacefully.
Look for good quality leather. It’s like the quality of booze, which some of the more fashion-phobic among you can probably relate to. You can buy really cheap house brands, or you can invest in top shelf. A good leather jacket really is an investment, because if it’s high quality and a classic silhouette, and you’ll have it for the rest of your life. Just like that nasty little rash you picked up in Cancun.
Here’s my quick lesson in leather. (Oooh! I always wanted to say that.) Before you do anything else, first check the tag and see that the jacket really is leather. Leather is a very generic term for anything made from the hide of an animal; there are tons of variables. It could be goat leather, cowhide, pigskin, or even horsehide. (Holy Mr. Ed! Let’s hope not.) So first and foremost, make sure it’s natural. Good leather should be soft and supple, which means that when you bend it, it should flex and not crack.
Just like other garments, the lining of a leather jacket will also tell a story. The quality of the lining, as in how good a job they did stitching it in, will tell you a lot about the overall quality, because the lining is one place where inferior manufacturers feel like they can cut corners.
As for distressed leather, I think it’s super if the jacket is naturally distressed from wear or you’re buying a vintage piece, but generally any kind of engineered distressing or leather treatment is going to be the wrong answer. Fashion victim, party of one? Your table’s ready.
6. Nylon sports jacket or parka. You should definitely have a warm, three-quarter-length sports-inspired jacket in a luxury nylon—something that resists the elements and can be dressed up or dressed down. This is the jacket you’ll wear when you’re casually dressed and the weather’s truly inclement, and you might not want to wear suede or wool or leather.
You want to keep the color story simple and opt for classics like black, steel gray or brown. Avoid bright colors and lime green, because that will make you look like Suzy Cha
ffee. I also hate to see guys running around town in authentic ski jackets with the lift tickets still hanging on them. Let’s save those for the hill, people. Invest in a ski jacket or some kind of nylon outerwear that will look great on the slopes and is also great for the city. The North Face puffer jacket is a perfect example of something that looks at home in either setting. It’s a classic that’s innocuous enough to mix with sportswear, but you can also ski with it and it’s totally functional. I also love RLX jackets (by Ralph Lauren) and Victorinox jackets, both of which look equally great with suits (business and ski).
Let’s Get Touchy
Wearing fabrics that invite touch, like cashmere, suede, and leather, is better than buying girls a drink. Touchable fabrics make people want to come up and cuddle you, provided you don’t have a great big cold sore on your lip. For that I highly recommend a trip to your local drugstore to pick up some Valtrex.
7. Trenchcoats. Just because it’s raining outside doesn’t mean that you have to ruin a perfectly good outfit with a horrible trenchcoat. There’s no need to look like a flasher or McGruff the Crime Dog. Invest in one good quality raincoat that’s chic and sophisticated, not one in that horrible putty color that every insurance adjuster from here to Des Moines has on. And for God’s sake don’t let me catch you with the belts flapping in the breeze. It’s just a sad, sad commuter look that is always the wrong answer.
When it comes to raincoats, always opt for a darker color. A dark golden khaki is so much richer than that overused putty. And get one with a lining that snaps in and out. That way you can wear it on colder winter days or in spring and fall.
Oh, and while we’re at it, let me just remind you that shiny yellow slickers are so not cool. You’ll look like the Morton’s salt girl or the Gorton’s fisherman. I would also avoid umbrellas that look like frogs or galoshes shaped like ladybugs. Unless your daily commute involves a yellow school bus. Then by all means, indulge.
SCARVES, GLOVES, AND HATS, OH MY!
Scarves
If you can dream it, you can crochet it. And unfortunately, that’s exactly what your great-aunt Tillie from Milwaukee did on her Knitaway—available from Ronco, free with the Be-Dazzler, circa 1979—when she gave you that multicolored scarf now hanging in your closet. (I have a storage unit full of Knitaways because I bought so many Be-Dazzlers, by the way. Hello? eBay?)
Great-aunt Tillie seems to be the source for most men’s scarves. Scarves just seem to come into our lives. You don’t realize how you get them, you just get them. They’re like moles.
But just like everything else, you need to buy scarves. You need to have a classic, basic scarf. I recommend a black or gray cashmere scarf—it’s a great introduction to cashmere at about $75. They’re warm, chic, and sophisticated, and they look great with everything. You can wear them with a suit, with a casual sweater, or even jeans and a T-shirt. Those crazy multicolored scarves that you get from great-aunt Tillie? Those don’t look good with anything.
The scarf is a big holiday gift, but inevitably you get the one you don’t want. Time to go shopping! After the holidays there are vast quantities of scarves on sale, although selection might be slightly limited. But in most climates, that’s just when you’re going to need one, and you might hit a great deal.
If you can’t do cashmere, look for merino wool or superfine lambswool. But whatever you do, keep the fibers real, just like everything else. Avoid scarves made of things like “cashmayre” or “cashmink” or “cashmina.” It’s a plot to trick you. But alas, dear reader, you’ve got me on your side, and you shan’t be duped.
Watch out for novelty scarves, too. If it lights up, plays music, is decorated with a keyboard, or is adorned with any Disney characters whatsoever, just keep looking.
Gloves
Let’s just come right out and say it: Mittens are for preschoolers. Yes, they keep you the warmest, but who really needs to be that warm? They also make you unable to do anything. Wearing mittens is a great excuse for never doing a thing. Witness the following.
“Could you get that for me?”
“Nope! Got mittens on!”
“Could you answer the phone?”
“No, sorry, mittens.”
“Could you drive tonight?”
“I’d love to, but I’m wearing mittens.”
As with all things, your best bet is to keep your gloves simple. If you find one classic pair you can wear with anything, you’ll be set. If you work at a job where you wear work gloves to protect your hands, that’s great, but those are not the gloves I’m talking about. For going out on a date or going out with friends on a weekend, what you want is a simple, real leather glove—ideally with a thin lining of wool or cashmere to add extra insulation without being bulky and lumberjack-y.
Gloves should be either brown or black. Think about your outerwear. If your coats are mostly black, get black gloves. If they’re mostly brown, do brown. Now, was that so difficult?
For the record, matching your gloves and your coat does not mean you need to match your hat, scarf, and shoes, unless you’re also carrying a handbag or you want to look like Lana Turner. In that case, it’s fine, and don’t forget to wear a mink stole. Otherwise, don’t be so worried. It doesn’t have to match. Coordinated, yes. Matching, no.
And we certainly hope you aren’t using those clips that attach your gloves to your coat. If you need those, you’re worse off than you thought.
Hats
Let’s face it. The reason most men wear hats is not to look suave, and not to look sophisticated, but because they’re having a BHD, the inevitable bad hair day. But look on the bright side. It’s better than the no hair day. Still, hats shouldn’t be worn just as a cover-up. Hats add so much style and flair, and they keep your noggin warm. I will warn you to proceed with caution: Hats can make you look absolutely fabulous or like a complete jackass. You can never go wrong with the basics, but I don’t want you getting mixed up with designer fashion hats. The next thing you know you’ll be subscribing to Playgirl.
Here’s my list of some good hats…and some to avoid.
GOOD HATS
1. Ballcaps. A ballcap can provide a cute sporty look in the right situation—say, it’s the weekend or you’re going to the movies. But please—puh-leeze—take it off when indoors. Just be careful that they’re not overly logoed or gigantic, with a huge rise. The closer your baseball cap is to a beanie, the better off you probably are. (See foam truckers under “Bad Hats.”)
2. Newsboy caps. I love the newsboy cap that’s become really popular lately. It’s quite fetching on most men and can add a lot of panache. It looks great with a woven shirt and a sport coat. Just please don’t wear these with a tweed suit or you’ll look like Mickey Rooney in National Velvet.
3. Knit caps. You should definitely have a nice warm knit cap for the winter, specifically a skullcap in black, brown, or gray wool. That means it’s not a ski hat with a pom pom on the end. Those are best for the ski mountain or for Ice
Castles theme night in the privacy of your own home. If you’re actually skiing, you’re excused, because half the fun of skiing is getting dressed up in the outfit. I also love a hot toddy in the lodge après ski. Or a hot David or Billy for that matter.
4. Fedoras. I fully endorse them and would love to see them come back, but I don’t think women will start wearing gloves again either. They look especially great with a suit, but just make sure they’re not huge. Okay, here’s an advanced maneuver: There are seasonal rules for hats, too. Natural straw (aka the Panama) is for spring and summer, and beaver (yes, beaver) is for for fall and winter.
5. Cowboy hats. The cowboy hat is a personal favorite of mine, hearkening back to my days as a trick rider on the gay rodeo circuit. Ah, but that was a lifetime and many broken nails ago. It’s an American icon, like the cowboy boot. Just be careful it doesn’t look like a party favor you’d get at an overproduced Western-themed bar mitzvah. It should be authentic. It should be well worn and weathered, and made of
natural straw and not recycled things like tires or soda cans.
BAD HATS
1. Foam truckers. Avoid the foam trucker unless you’re Ashton Kutcher, and he’s so darn cute that I’ll let him get away with it. The reason that the rise of a foam trucker is so big is so that they can put a billboard on your head, complete with a logo, phone number, map, e-mail address, and store hours. If there’s room to print every store location nationwide, your hat is too damn big. In other words? Trucker hats: best left for truckers.
2. Kangol and hipster hats. Those funky, updated berets favored by Samuel L. Jackson and the late John F. Kennedy Jr.—are really way trendy and probably don’t look good on too many people. Definitely not for amateurs, and best left to Alicia Keys.
3. Novelty fleece ski hats that make you look like you have dreadlocks or make you look like a pterodactyl. It’s a no-brainer, like the people who still wear them.
Off the Cuff Page 9
