I know, I know. You’re going to tell me that bags actually designed as computer bags are better for your computer. But they don’t look good! If it came with your computer or from an office supply store, just throw it away. Or save it and give it to someone you don’t like for the holidays. Sometimes you have to be a slave to fashion, people. So what if you lose all your data from having your laptop jostled around? There could be worse things. Like being heckled on the commuter train.
You might be the rare and lucky recipient of a bag actually designed to hold a computer that also actually looks good. But odds are it might cost more than your laptop. Avoid bags that cost more than the computer you’re carrying in them. Or just trust me and stick with the messenger bag, okay?
Now, every once in a while, I come across a straight guy who insists on carrying a “man purse,” which is any bag that’s smaller than a laptop bag, a gym bag, or a satchel, but bigger than a wallet. These are treacherous waters, people. Carrying a leather man purse can make you look like Mackenzie Phillips on One Day at a Time if you’re not careful. Even if it’s a little bigger than you need and you don’t have enough stuff to fill it up, I still recommend a leather messenger bag rather than a man purse. So much more masculine. Fill it with porn for all I care, just put something in there.
2. The athletic or gym bag. If you’re going to carry your gym bag to and from work every day, please don’t let it be one you got free with a bottle of cologne, a deposit at your bank, or your tenth oil change at Jiffy Lube. The giveaway bag is like the free T-shirt. It’s free! So there’s a reason it looks that way. Just store it in a box marked “yard sale.” A gym bag should be stylish—something sleek, black, and nylon, with logos kept to a minimum. Carrying a dumpy free bag is just like putting a bad raincoat over a great look. It’s a buzzkill. It can ruin National Coming Out Day for everyone!
3. The weekender bag. In this day and age, most people aren’t going on really long vacations; they’re taking shorter trips and weekend getaways. And while it saddens me that the Louis Vuitton steamer trunk has gone the way of the Edsel, that means that you’ll need a good weekend bag. You should also invest in a good quality leather or nylon dopp kit, either to take to the gym or on vacation. I keep mine packed all the time with my cleanser, toner, moisturizer, toothbrush, deodorant, laminated photos of Cher, etc. That way, I have all my basics ready to go at all times and I never forget something when I go on a trip. The dopp kit can be pretty compact; it doesn’t have to be big enough to fit a giant can of Rave hairspray. Because hairspray—the product, not the musical, that is—is never the right answer.
Personally, I think a leather duffel is the perfect thing to hold a weekend’s worth of clothes. It’s good-looking, handsome, and classic, just like a Baldwin! And it will get better with age, unlike your sex life.
A leather duffel doesn’t need to be made by an expensive designer; just be sure to look for good quality leather, stitching, and overall construction. It should be roomy, and ideally will have a nice silk or rayon lining. Don’t get crazy and demand all sorts of pockets and pouches. They’re like bad wedding gifts; you never use them.
LUGGAGE ,OR EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE
There’s nothing sadder than noticing a hot guy at the airport and then seeing him retrieve a bag from the carousel that’s covered with teal and lime green oversized tapestry flowers straight from the Cindy Brady collection. Handsome luggage is important. I’m not sure why the worst dressed people in the world are always at the airport. Just don’t be one of them. You’re traveling, not cleaning out your basement or getting an MRI.
Good luggage can be expensive, but remember you’re probably never going to go on safari for a month, so your luggage needs are actually pretty modest. Register for it when you get married! Or just invest in one good quality suitcase and one high-quality garment bag with lots of storage compartments. If you also have a leather weekend bag, you really don’t need much more. When shopping for luggage, keep in mind that larger items that need to be checked through your friendly airport baggage handling system might not receive the greatest of care, and should be as durable as possible. Remember the American Tourister gorilla? You should be so lucky.
What to Pack for a Weekend Away
Walletts: Is That a Wallet in Your Pocket, or Are You Just Happy to See Me?
Personally, I like to see guys with a big bulge in the front and not in the back. And if you sit on a bulging wallet all day, it can lead to back problems and other strains: total chiropractic moment. You also shouldn’t keep a big bulky wallet in the breast pocket of your jacket because it will make you look like you have lopsided gynecomastia.
A big overstuffed wallet is a liability in any case, because if you keep everything that’s important to you in there, you’re so out of luck should you lose it or become the victim of a pickpocket. All of your favorite pictures of your dog, your high school girlfriend’s graduation picture, and the ones of hot frat boys you’ve downloaded from the Internet would all be gone, as would your credit cards and other important personal documents.
Keep your wallet sleek and small and keep the rest of your important items at home in a safe place. Personally, I keep a nice simple little wallet that has a bit of room for my driver’s license, two or three credit cards, and a few dead presidents. Cash is so vintage.
I don’t think it’s even that crucial to have a matched set of luggage; great-looking pieces that look better on their own are more important. How often do you really run around carrying all of your luggage at once? Unless you’re costarring with Bette Davis in some 1930s movie about star-crossed lovers and ocean travel, you should be fine.
Modern luggage is not only great because it looks good, but because it has this amazing feature: I don’t know if they’re new, but they’re called “wheels.” I’m always amazed that there are people who still haven’t caught on to the wheeled luggage phenomenon and are carting around old buckled suitcases with huge Naugahyde handles that look like they came from the Sanford and Son’s estate sale. Hernias are so not cute. Also keep in mind that if there’s duct tape anywhere on it, or it needs to be closed with the help of a bungee cord or strap, it should be tossed.
Pack Your Bags! A Carson How To . . .
Packing your suitcase is like making lasagna. It’s all about the layers. You want your bag to be bottom heavy, so your shoes should always go in first, along with any other heavy or bulky items. I’m a big fan of tucking things inside my shoes—eyewear, socks, anything little like that. It’s spacesaving and also acts to insulate and protect those items. In between the shoes, I stuff things that you don’t really have to worry about getting wrinkled, like underwear.
Your next layer will be blazers, pants, and sweaters. You don’t want to fold anything harshly because that will leave a hard crease. A great trick is to take a garment like a blazer, put it in a drycleaning bag and tie the bag at the bottom so you’re creating a pillow of air around it. Roll it and voilà! Next come your sweaters, which should also be gently folded and rolled. This is probably not for amateurs, but if you have the time, layer your sweaters in tissue paper before you pack them. That’s why nicer stores use tissue when you buy something; it supports without wrinkling.
The top layer of your bag will be your woven shirts, because they’re the most delicate and the most subject to getting crushed. Again, these can be wrapped in tissue to help prevent wrinkling. Or, more realistically, you can just send them out when you get to the hotel, and they’ll come back all fresh and lovely. If the idea of spending $10 to press a shirt while you’re on the road gives you pause, fear not. Unless you’re staying at a motel where they charge by the hour, there should be an iron in your room—or you can usually call housekeeping and request one. If you’re absolutely stuck somewhere without an iron, or short on time, hang your shirt in the bathroom and run a hot shower—the steam will eliminate the wrinkles.
Your toiletries should always be in a separate compartment from your clothes. I learned
that the hard way, when my purple Paul Mitchell colorprotecting shampoo leaked out onto one of my favorite yellow cashmere sweaters. It was one of life’s very hard lessons, but I hope to spare you a similar fate.
You can also protect against such tragedies by keeping anything that could leak in a Ziploc bag and/or wrapping your garments in plastic bags. As a bonus, it’s also a good idea in the unlikely event of a water landing!
Accessories
Pookah shell necklaces. Unless you’re one of the Beach Boys or your career aspirations are to be a host at a Polynesian restaurant, leave your pookah shells with your inhibitions at the beach, okay?
Cell phones on belts. Never, ever.
Keys on chains clipped to your belt,.Not unless you’re a janitor or a prison warden (both of which happen to be hot).
Wallets on chains. Not unless you’re a Hell’s Angel, in which case let me give you my number.
Skin art. I love a hot tattoo, but it should be like the prize at the bottom of the Cracker Jack box: Your “friend” should discover it. Those of you with Vanilla Ice tattoos on your forearm will agree.
Gold teeth. For rappers only.
Rainbow suspenders. Three words: Mork from Ork. Actually, rainbow anything is always the wrong answer. I hope that doesn’t alienate me from my gay brethren, but really! No more freedom rings. The flag is plenty, people.
Eyeglasses with decal stickers of your initials. Sooo very Linda Richman.
Techno eyeglasses that look like pieces of German drafting equipment.
Fannypacks. Puh-leeze.
Backpacks. Your life is not an episode of 90210, and you’re not hiking the Alps every day. They’re just a little juvenile. But if you also carry a Rugrats lunchbox, then they’re fine.
CHAPTER 8
The Eighties Called, They Want Your Hair Back SKIN, HAIR AND NAILS, AND OTHER REASONS WHY YOU SHOULD DRINK MILK
YOU CAN BE THE BEST-DRESSED GUY ON THE PLANET—AND IF YOU’VE GOTTEN THIS FAR IN THE BOOK, YOU WILL BE!—BUT IF YOU’VE got horrendo breath, ratty hair, and nails that look like Grandpa Munster’s, you’re in big trouble. Here’s how to make sure that doesn’t happen.
HAIR
If I may quote Elle Woods in Legally Blonde, (perhaps the finest cinematographic work of art ever created), “The rules of hair care are simple and finite.” Your hair is your crowning glory. Whether you have a ton of it or just three or four strands, you should take care that it looks well groomed. Why? Because life is too short to have bad hair. I always say you shouldn’t leave the house unless your hair is perfect or close to it. Tardy, schmardy.
In order to have great hair, you need a great stylist. You should take as much care in finding the right hairstylist as you would in selecting a doctor. It’s that important. Good haircuts do cost more money because these people are trained professionals. The good news is you don’t have to spend a million dollars on your hair every time you get it cut. But once or twice a year, go to an excellent salon and get a really great cut from a true hair care professional—or HCP, if you will.
TIP
Fairy Godstylist Carson
A lot of men are guilty of overwashing their hair, especially if you’re an active guy going to the gym a lot. Shower daily, please, by all means. That’s fine. But you don’t have to use shampoo every day. Every third day don’t use shampoo, just use conditioner. It will allow some of that natural oil to accumulate. You know why mink looks so great? Because the fur is brimming with natural oils. When you wash your hair too much, you strip all that away. Big faux paws. I mean pas.
Now here’s the trick: In between visits to your HCP, you can go to a good quality barber for haircuts. As long as you don’t have a really tricky haircut, a barber can maintain the shape and texture of the haircut created by your HCP.
When you find the right cut for you, it will appear very natural. If you have curly hair, embrace the curl, don’t fight it. If you have straight hair, do the same. Find the cut that naturally makes you look your best. And don’t forget to maintain it. You really need to go about every five weeks for maintenance. Otherwise it’s just going to lose its shape and start to look sloppy.
Product: The Final Frontier
The hair care aisle at your local drugstore, supermarket, or high-end beauty supply boutique is treacherous territory, even for those who’ve been through the rigors of beauty school. There’s a reason so many men fear hair products. Too much of them is a bad thing. But products are out there because they help people. I don’t know how we lived without them. I ask myself this question often. Looking at photos from the days of yore, I ponder, “How did they do that without the benefit of gels, creams, and foaming pomades?”
Anyway, it’s very easy to find the right products: Just leave this one to your HCP, depending on the texture, cut, weight, density, etc. of your hair. Everyone’s hair is so very different that I can’t make one sweeping generalization or recommend any specific line or brand. So trust in your HCP to set up a hair care regimen (henceforth known as HCR) specially designed just for you.
Losing Your Hair: On Your Head, Not So Good. On Your Back, That’s a Different Story Entirely.
It’s just a sad fact of being a man that some of us draw the short stick in the genetic lottery and lose our hair. But with hair, as with just about everything but penis size, it’s all about quality not quantity. If you find yourself losing your hair, just get a good cut and go with it.
I can’t endorse any of the common “fixes” to going bald. That bushy Krusty the Clown do with tufts on either side? You end up looking like Princess Leia or like you have earmuffs on all the time. Please don’t fall victim to the lure of the combover. Combovers make me want to scream, “Hi! Your reality check bounced! You’re not fooling anyone!” You’ll look like “The Donald” with “The combover.” And as a general rule you don’t want to look like anybody with “the” in front of their name. Think about it. The Grinch. The Hamburgler. The Joker. I rest my (attaché) case.
And whatever you do, do not let me catch you wearing a rug. Rugs are for floors. Toupee, shmoupee: It’s a wig.
And wigs are just not an option. Besides, bald guys are hot. Think Telly Savalas. Hot! Bruce Willis. Hotter! Vin Diesel. Don’t get me started.
If your hair is thinning and it’s dark, a nice little trick is to get a few highlights. Please don’t fear the highlights. But don’t overdo them either. Too many highlights in short hair can make you look like a leopard. Way too Discovery channel.
If you’re trying to avoid gray, I say, embrace it. Go with it. Don’t try to cover it up. Inevitably when you try to cover it, you get that color that’s too uniform and dark. You know, it’s always the color of the top of a cob of corn—that rusty brown. It makes you look like you have pubic hair on your head. Damn you, Ron Popeil! So just work with it. Think of your gray as a mark of being distinguished and having great life experiences. Salt and pepper’s hot. That’s the hair color, not the band.
FACIAL AND BODY HAIR
I love a little facial hair. Actually, I’d love to be able to grow some. But the hair on your face is just like the hair on your head: It needs to be well kept and well managed. You don’t want to look like Abe Lincoln, Grizzly Adams, or like you own an Amish roadside vegetable stand. You also don’t want to exfoliate your partner every time you make out, or transmit little mites from your scabie-licious stubble. Ahhh, scabies. Has there ever been a skin disorder so appropriately named?
If you’re wondering about how much or how little facial hair can work for you, speak to that fabulous HCP of yours. Well-groomed facial hair can actually cover up some facial flaws or accentuate your better features. You can use sideburns to create more of a cheekbone, for instance. It’s very personal, and a good stylist can help make it work for you.
When it comes to shaving, I only have one piece of advice: Take your time! It’s not a race. Let’s take a moment to think about the physics of shaving. Hmmmm. Razor-sharp blade right next to your jugular. So let’
s not be hasty, shall we?
As for shaving cream, I think it’s all about quality. Some higher-end products are simply better, in my opinion. They’re made from natural products like lanolin or aloe vera. Natural is almost always better. If you doubt it, riddle me this: When’s the last time you slept with a trannie? But there are exceptions. If you have an inexpensive drugstore brand that works with your skin, that’s great. Shaving is about getting it to stand up, lubricating it, and then stroking gently. “It” means your facial hair, but this is a process with which I’m sure you’re well acquainted
BODY HAIR . . . OR “MANSCAPING”
Once you’ve dealt with the hair on your head and your face, I recommend you use a nose hair clipper to get rid of any additional hair coming out of orifices or pores, whether it’s the ear, nose, or ass crack. As for the brows, I don’t want to see them plucked and tweezed like Joan Crawfords. They don’t have to be perfectly formed. They shouldn’t be shaved. They just shouldn’t be connected all the way across like a Bering Strait you can walk right over. Waxing can be your friend. Don’t be afraid.
Off the Cuff Page 11
