I meant what I said. I can’t and won’t let her go. Not when the need and want to have her is so damn strong. Something tells me that with the way we finally got together and everything that we’ve been through since, I’m always going to need her.
Grandpa wouldn’t have sent me the signs otherwise.
“When I leave tonight, is everything going to go back to the way it was before?”
I sound so weak right now, but I don’t care. I need to know that when I walk out of this room, it won’t be the last time I’m in it. That just because things got a whole lot harder, she’s still with me.
Wiping at her eyes, she smiles up at me, and while it might be able to work on my parents downstairs, the deadness staring back at me shows me exactly what kind of smile this really is. A fake one. A smile I never wanted directed at me.
“I need time, Christian. I know it’s not what you want to hear, but I can’t lie to you. I need you to hear what I’m saying right now and no matter how pissed you are, respect it. I’ve got enough left in me to go down there and put on a hell of a show for our parents. I can have dinner and smile at all the right times, but anything more than that, I just can’t. Not until I’ve had a chance to process everything that happened.”
“You mean me lying to you.”
“No. I mean finding out that our parents are dating. That out of all the men on the planet that could be making my mom happy, she had to go and find the best one.”
“How do you know he’s the best?”
“Because he made you.”
I don’t get it. Why it hurts so bad when someone you love says something so incredibly sweet to you, but there’s no doubt with the way my chest seems to swell and expand and then simultaneously explode into a million little pieces at the same time, that’s exactly what’s happening.
“Just give me time, Chris. We’ll talk, I swear, but not if you don’t give me this.”
She’s right. I hate this and I’m pissed that it’s happening this way, but there’s something I feel a whole lot more. Love for her. So if it’s time she wants, I’ll give her as much as she needs.
Even if there’s a chance that her time away could turn into losing her for good.
Before I can walk away, take those long and winding stairs all the way down to where our worried parents are waiting, there’s still one thing I need to know.
“Em, can you ever forgive me for keeping it from you?”
Her eyes soften before they lower and turn away, but instead of walking away completely, she turns back one final time and in the way she’s been doing it since the first day, she gives it to me straight.
“I don’t know, Chris. I just don’t know.”
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Emery
There’s nothing awkward about this at all.
Nope. Absolutely nothing.
I’m just sitting around my kitchen table being forced to break bread with my mother’s boyfriend, who also doubles as my boyfriend’s father.
Oh yeah, just another crazy day in the Carmichael house.
The only thing keeping my butt firmly planted in my seat and not barricaded away in my room right now is the look on my mom’s face.
I can’t be the one that takes that away from her. Especially since it’s the look I’ve been waiting seventeen years for her to have.
Ultimate happiness.
A daughter that does the right thing every chance she gets—minus the times I wanted to act out in order to be alone with the guy whose eyes I’ve been trying to avoid since we came back downstairs—and the boyfriend that’s completely cool with the fact that she has a teenage daughter, and who wants to make said daughters lifelong dream come true.
Oh, you didn’t know that last little tidbit? Well here, let me catch you up.
When we got downstairs about ten minutes ago, I’d forced the best fake smile I’ve ever done on my face and took my seat, choosing not to say a word. Determined to let the three of them guide this entire thing.
And guide it they did, by dropping the mother of all bombshells on me.
*****
“Can you pass the gravy please, Ms. Carmichael?”
I’ve got to hand it to him. For someone who knew about this for weeks, he sure is putting on one hell of a show, acting all oblivious.
“It’s Rose, Christian. It would make things much easier if you just called me Rose.” My mom responds, her voice coated in sugar as she passes the ladle of gravy across the table, further upsetting my already tied in knots stomach.
Yeah, Christian. Call me Rose. I mimic to myself. The one thing I can do in the moment to keep from regurgitating all over the dinner my mom spent hours making.
Please do make this incredibly insane situation ‘comfortable’ for us all, boyfriend.
“Emery honey, you’ve barely touched your chicken. Is your stomach still upset?”
“No, Mom. I’m fine. Just not very hungry.”
And I probably won’t ever eat again thanks to you.
I know I’m acting childish, responding in my head and being snotty about all of this, but I don’t know what else to do. I was prepared to walk in here tonight and meet a man with a young son, not my boyfriend and his dad.
“So I know you’ve probably told the story a million times already, but how did the two of you meet?”
If it wouldn’t give away what’s really wrong with me, I would reach across this table right now and slap the living shit out of Christian. Who the hell cares how they met? Isn’t it horrible enough that they did, or was everything he said to me on Valentine’s Day just a ruse to get into my pants and he never really cared about me at all?
“I don’t know about Rosie, but I never get tired of telling people how I met the love of my life.” Nicholas admits, turning his attention to my mom, his eyes practically screaming his love for her as she smiles back at him. “To be honest, if your grandfather was still around, I believe it’s one he would find fascinating.”
“Why is that?”
For a split second, I hear the falter in Christian’s voice and for a second after that, I start believing that maybe he’s got an opinion on how much this sucks after all. With what I told him we had to do upstairs and his complete aversion to it, I would have thought he would be worse than me. Definitely not as accepting as he appears to be now.
“Do you remember when he used to take us fishing and he talked about how he met your grandma?” When Christian nods, he turns his attention to my mom and me, leaning in closer as he tries to explain something that he has no idea I already know all about.
“My dad was a big believer in signs. There were no random occurrences according to him. Only events designed to lead you down the path you were meant to go.” Shifting his gaze away from my mom completely, his sole focus lands on me, and I immediately avert my eyes. “It was up to you whether you listened to them or not. You were the master of your own fate.”
“So what does Grandpa have to do with you and Rose, Dad?”
“Well, son, once upon a time, before I moved to Port Hope and met and fell in love with your mother, I used to live here in the city. Not a lot of people know this, but Rosie and I, we went to school together.”
No. Freaking. Way.
Nicholas was supposed to be some random guy that my mom met in a coffee shop. Not someone that she grew up with before he moved away and started a new life without her. How many more confessions are going to come out tonight before someone decides enough is enough?
“Did the two of you date or something?”
“No, but I knew of her. It was right around the time I started to see girls in more than just a ‘tug their hair and push them down’ way, and she was one of the first I noticed. Not that she gave me the time of day of course.”
“Can we just get on with it?” I snap and my mom’s head flies up, her brow furrowed in anger, but before she has the chance to call me out on the way I’m acting, I save her the trouble. “Sorry, Nicholas. Please co
ntinue.”
“It’s more than okay, Emery. I know stories like these tend to get winded so I’ll try to make this one short.”
Why does his smile have to be so sweet?
Why couldn’t he be a total douchebag instead of the stand-up cop that my mom was lucky enough to find and fall for? It would make all of this easier if he was.
“When we moved away I thought about her for a while, but I threw myself into my new school and then Christian’s mom, Emily. I’m sure you know how that went, given that the two of you are close, but for years she was nothing more than a passing thought. At least she was until I walked into that Tim Horton’s on the way to start another double shift.”
“So the double shift was the sign?” Christian picks up again and this time I don’t hesitate. I kick him under the table. When he lifts his leg and bounces it off the table top, our parents reach out to grab the water glasses and where I expect him to look across at me with anger, his eyes are just sad.
Mouthing I’m sorry, he turns his attention back to the table, mumbling off an apology for jumping and asking his dad to continue.
“In a way, yes. We had passed a bunch of different places on the way back to the station, but for some reason I still to this day can’t make sense of, I just had to pop into that one. Seeing her again after all of these years, well, it’s changed my life.”
Oh God. This has got to be the most convoluted, nauseating crap I’ve ever heard. Picking up the fork and using it to shift food around on the plate so that it appears as though I’ve eaten something, I focus on the way the chicken looks. Its texture, color, anything that will get my mind off the sickening love story being played out in front of me.
“Which is why I knew after only a few dates that I wanted to be with her forever.”
Despite my need to block all of this out, my ears perk up anyway. Be with her forever. Is this why my mom finally agreed that we had to meet? Are they serious enough to take things to the next level?
There it is again. Christian’s sad eyes looking at me, the truth hidden in them as he again mouths an apology that only I seem to be able to see before lowering his head and doing the same thing to his plate that I’ve spent the entire time doing to mine.
What does he know that I don’t? And why, if he’s sorry the way he claims, didn’t he tell me any of this when we were upstairs not fifteen minutes ago?
“What does that mean?”
“Well, Emery. The reason I wanted Nicholas to be here today was for two reasons. I wanted you to finally meet the man I’ve been seeing because as he’s just alluded to, I have known for quite some time that I wanted what we share to be forever, but I also wanted him here because we’ve got an announcement that we wanted the both of you to hear.”
Don’t play games, Mom. Christian already knows whatever it is you’re about to say, so really all this dinner is about is dropping it on me.
“Nicholas has asked me to marry him, and Emery, I’ve said yes.”
*****
See what I mean? A bombshell of nuclear proportions.
Which brings us to now, where after a few seconds of silence as they let the dust settle, the world as we know it in the house seems to begin moving again.
Jumping back as Christian’s hands come down hard on the table, whether in anger or in happiness I can’t be sure, I use the diversion to steal glances at all of them. Nicholas has his entire focus on my mom, a smile lighting his face at her admission, and my mom is looking all doe eyed back at him. Two lovebirds completely caught up in one another and Christian, well, he’s a little harder to figure.
He’s smiling, but I know it’s not real. I’ve spent enough time alone with him to know what he looks like when he’s happy, and this isn’t it. The problem is, before I can study him more, try and figure out how he really feels in the moment, he’s speaking and throwing me completely off course.
“Well—um…that’s fantastic news. Isn’t it, Emery? Congratulations, Dad. Ms. Carmich—I mean, Rose.”
All eyes are on me now and swallowing down the gigantic lump in my throat, attempting to follow his lead in order to give them something to go on, nothing comes. I can’t even summon the strength needed to fake smile at them. I’m completely devoid of everything.
And when Nick chooses that moment to speak, making his intentions where I’m concerned clear, the tightly wound façade I’ve been putting on completely crumbles and breaks.
I’m done.
“I know that it may seem sudden, but over the last six months, we’ve really gotten to know one another again, and your mom, she’s told me a lot about you. I didn’t enter into this lightly, and now that we’re here and we have this plan for the future, I want you to know that I have every intention of being there for you. Doing whatever I can and being there in whatever capacity you need me to be, the same as I have done and will do with Christian.”
I feel like I’m on an airplane in the middle of a storm and there’s turbulence. The plane is shaking and twisting and being shoved around under the weight of what rages in the sky and it’s so bad that the puke bags and air masks have dropped from the ceiling.
I could really go for one of those right now because I’m seriously going to be sick.
“Emery, what do you think?”
You wanna know what I think, Mom?
I think that you’ve only been seeing this guy for six freaking months and you’re moving too fast. I think you’re blinded by love or sex or whatever makes two grown adults act like children. Mostly though, I think you’re freaking blind for not being able to see how much this is killing your daughter. The one person in the world you always claimed you would put first. I hate that you can’t see how you’re breaking me in two because you being selfish and wanting to marry Nick means I’ll have to give up my future with Christian.
It all sounds so damn perfect in my head. She’s always been someone that wanted honesty at all times, even if she might not like what I’ve got to say. Those words, the ones I can think so effortlessly, should be the ones she gets, but aren’t the ones that come out at all.
“I don’t know what to say.”
“What Emery means,” Christian cuts in. “Is that this is a lot to take in and we’re just really surprised.”
“Can you not put words in my mouth?” I snap and as expected, my mom gasps at my change in attitude and Nick follows suit by heaving out the heaviest breath I’ve ever heard before leaning back in his seat.
“Ems—” he tries again, his voice softer than before, all traces of his fake happiness gone, and how he really feels finally on display.
“No! I’m not gonna sit here and pretend that all of this isn’t total bullshit, okay? You might be able to pretend that the last four months never happened and that this,” I motion between our parents. “Isn’t unbelievably messed up, but I can’t.”
“Emery Rose—”
“Christian and I are dating. We’ve been together since the Halloween dance. I figure you’ve put two and two together by now considering we didn’t keep it hidden from you the way you did with us, so please, spare me your indignation, Mom, seriously.”
Getting the truth out was supposed to make me feel better, but looking up and being met with looks that vary from understanding to complete indifference, only makes a bad situation worse.
“Emery…”
How many times have I heard him say my name that exact way and practically melted? Sighed like some girl from a cheesy movie in my head because his voice is as smooth as silk and sounds like the perfect song?
I can’t even remember now, but what I can count is the number of times he’s spoken my name and it’s made me want to punch him in the face.
Once.
Right now.
The sound of his voice is making me physically ill.
“I’m sorry. I can’t do this. I need to be excused.”
“Emery, I know that all of this is a shock, but running away isn’t going to make it any easier.”<
br />
Maybe not, but it would give me the reprieve I need to be able to breathe.
“You want us to talk about this? Fine. I’ll talk.” Standing from my seat, I point across the table to Christian. “I am in love with him, Mom. The same kind of love the two of you are sitting here and trying to make us believe is happening for you. It’s happened here. I gave everything I had to him and despite knowing he’s been lying to me for weeks and keeping secrets, I would do it all over again because he’s my song. My perfect picture. What I want in my future.”
“I know you believe what you feel is the same as us, Emery, but you’re still so young. Your first love isn’t always meant to be your last.”
“Spare me, Mom. You’re only saying that because I’m in love with your fiancé’s son and it messes with your perfect picture.”
“That’s not it at all. If you would just sit back down we can discuss this. Take the emotion off the table and have a rational discussion.”
Oh hell no. There is no way I’m sitting back down so she can tell me that because they’re engaged, what Christian and I have has to end. She doesn’t even need to come right out and say it. I know that’s the way she’s leaning. I can see her disgust over what’s happening here clear as day in her eyes.
“Tell me something, Mom. If we discuss this rationally, how long is going to take to get to the part where you tell us that we need to break up because us being together isn’t right?”
Where my question seems to completely floor and silence her, Nicholas steps up to the plate.
“No one is saying that is where this has to go, Emery.”
“Look at her!” I yell, shoving my hand across the table at my mom, my finger landing straight between her eyes. “Look into those eyes you’ve probably looked into a million times before and tell me that she doesn’t want me to break up with Christian.”
“It’s obvious that whatever is going on between you two needs to end, Emery. You need to see sense.”
The Space In Between Page 26
