by J. L. Berg
“So, did it make you any cooler?” I asked.
“Colin helped with that. He sounds like a moron and can play every sport imaginable. But, he’s a goddamn genius. He took me under his wing, and yeah, I did all right.”
I sensed a bit of regret when he spoke of Colin and I wondered if it was a new or old regret, and if there was something currently going on between the two men.
"I don't think I've ever told anyone that," he admitted.
"Jelly beans, they're worse than booze. Okay, your turn. Ask me anything. Make it a good one," I challenged.
"Your name. I'm always curious about names, where they came from or how they were chosen. I noticed yours is spelled differently, is there a reason?" he asked, stretching to full height again to return to the wall, making the finishing touches to the ballet barre. He even picked up a mirror at the hardware store to put behind it so she could see herself as she twirled around. It was a very thoughtful touch. One I hadn’t even thought of myself.
"Yes, actually. It’s quite a good story. My parents honeymooned in Ireland. County Clare to be exact. They spent two weeks there and it was apparently a very successful trip because when they returned, Mom was pregnant with me. To commemorate their honeymoon, they named me Clare."
"Have you ever been there?"
"Where? To Ireland?"
He nodded.
"No, I’ve always wanted to. Ethan and I..."
I stopped, mid-sentence, growing still. I had not mentioned Ethan yet. I hadn’t even told him I was a widow. I mean, I guess he assumed by now. But saying the words out loud to him made me suddenly conscious of what I had been doing the past hour. Flirting. In my house that I used to share with my husband. I didn’t know how to feel about that. Should I feel guilty? Or relieved I had taken a step toward moving on? Was it moving on?
"Was Ethan your husband?" he asked quietly.
I nodded silently, still thinking about my sudden realization.
"How did he, I mean...how long ago?" he stumbled over his words, before taking a few careful steps toward me.
"Almost three years. Brain cancer. Maddie was barely two," I managed to say.
"I'd say I'm sorry, but I'm sure you've heard that more times than you can count. What I can say is that from what I've seen, you've done an amazing job surviving. Maddie is a bright, kind hearted little girl. She can capture the heart of just about anyone in two seconds flat."
Letting out a tiny laugh of nervousness, I began fiddling with the hem of my t-shirt, trying to figure out what to say.
"Thank you. For everything, I mean. I know you probably had other things that needed to be done today and you –“
"WOW!!!! It's so pretty!!" Maddie exclaimed as she bounced into the room, effectively saving me from further embarrassment.
She ran to her brand new ballet barre and looked into the mirror, seeing her reflection and smiled. Jumping up and down, she abruptly turned, obviously seeing Logan in the mirror. She immediately catapulted herself into his surprised arms.
He looked stunned at first, but then melted. His arms wrapped around her, holding her as she embraced him chanting thank you, over and over again.
"You're welcome, princess. Your Mom helped too," he said, adjusting her onto his hip like a seasoned pro.
"Yeah right." Maddie commented.
She knew her Mommy well.
I stuck my tongue out at her and made a face, which sent her into a fit of giggles.
Neither Logan nor I could help but laugh right along with her. Her laugh was infectious. You couldn’t help but be happy when you were around her.
Still laughing, Maddie grabbed Logan’s face with both hands, looking at him square in the eyes. This was always her preferred method of getting people’s attention. It was hard being small. She adapted.
“Dr. Matthew! You should stay for dinner! My Mommy can cook for you.”
Well, I guess we just invited the friendly doctor to dinner.
I held my breath waiting for his answer. He looked at Maddie and then shifted his attention to me. I saw the gears in his head grinding, obviously trying to work something out. He had a look of hope when she asked, and in the brief seconds he considered her offer, his face went from hope to despair.
“I’m sorry Maddie. I shouldn’t.”
He didn’t say he had plans, or maybe another time. He said he shouldn’t. Like it wasn’t a good idea. The dark shadows were floating around his eyes again, and we were all silent as we headed for the stairs. Maddie was still firmly in Logan’s arms, although she wasn’t laughing anymore. It was then that I realized this was the first time since Ethan died that Maddie was being held by another man, other than a family member. And now that man was leaving. The realization left me a little breathless.
Slowing as we approached the door, Logan asked Maddie "Hey princess, have you ever been to a real ballet?"
She shook her head, saying "No, Mommy tried to take me to Swam Wake, but she couldn't get tickets."
He looked at me, amused by her fumbled words, as I mouthed "Swan Lake" to correct her.
"Well, it just so happens that I have three tickets for this upcoming weekend. What do you say we all go?"
Maddie's eyes lit up in sheer manic joy, looking to me for permission.
"Logan, are you sure? That’s very generous," I said, seeing Maddie was about ready to explode, waiting for my answer.
He nodded, flashing Maddie a wink. "I'm positive. Every ballerina in training needs to go to the ballet. And being a significant donor to the Performing Arts, I think it’s time I cash in some of those privileges."
“Thank you. We would love to.”
We would also like to know why you’re so damn hot and cold all the time.
He sat Maddie down and we exchanged numbers so that arrangements for dinner and the ballet could be made and before I knew it he was gone and Maddie was jumping up and down, screaming that she was going to see the “Swammie's”!
Chapter Six
~Logan~
“When you called and asked me to hang out, I honestly thought you were dying or something,” Colin said as we settled into the booth of the sports bar he had picked out.
It was late afternoon on a weekday so the bar was mostly empty. A few regulars milled about watching the screens and chatting with each other. Colin and I chose a corner booth, away from everyone else. It had been awhile since we’d seen each other and we both felt seclusion was needed.
Colin had been my best friend since grade school and yet I felt like I didn’t even know the man who sat across from me. He still looked the same. Same large build from years of football and lacrosse. Same short blonde hair cut, hazel eyes and cocky attitude. But everything else felt foreign. I’d never felt so uncomfortable with him. And it was my fault.
“Yeah, I know. Look, I’m sorry,” I stuttered out an apology.
There were so many apologies I didn’t even know where to start. Sorry for being a shitty friend. Sorry for being an asshole, etc. The list was endless.
“Logan, I get it. You got fucked over. You put on a bit of a thick skin, okay? But dude, you gotta let someone in.”
I never shared with Colin what actually happened with Melanie. That probably wasn’t fair to her, or Gabe. The media made them out to be the guilty party, and yes, she was the one who cheated. But I was the one who drove her to it. I should have just let her go, had divorce papers written up early, and given her the chance to move on without the glare of the photographers. But I kept putting it off, fearing that if I did give her up, I would be admitting something to myself. Something I’d long since feared growing up, and had come to dread ever since my wedding night when I looked at my sleeping bride alone in bed, and realized I didn’t love her. The consuming fear that I was incapable of loving another and there was something essentially missing in my DNA or upbringing that kept me from feeling true, deep and meaningful love.
Meeting Clare gave me spark of hope. She stirred emotions in me that had long b
een dormant. I still felt like I should run, leaving her to wait for someone who deserved her. But I was finding it difficult to stay away. Every time I tried to push away, I found myself waging internal civil war, completely conflicted until I ended up texting her just to get a goofy response, or calling her at night to hear her voice.
When Maddie had asked me to dinner, I wanted so badly to say yes. I wanted to be that man. But I was so scared of letting them down. Seeing that photo of Clare in the arms of her dead husband, her eyes so full of love and hope, it shredded me. I can’t imagine what she must have gone through when she lost him. What if I hurt them? So I did the only thing I was good at anymore, I started to run. And it almost worked. Until I made it to the door. I couldn’t walk away.
I needed advice, and the only person I trusted was the friend I had been avoiding for far too long. Thank God he was a better friend than me.
“I’m trying, Colin. I’ve met someone.”
His eyes flared in surprise, and he nearly spit out his beer.
“Like a single someone that you plan on seeing more than once? Cause bleeding your heart to a one-night stand isn’t what I was going for. Although, if you want to share other details on that front, I’m totally cool with that.”
“Yes, it’s one person, no to the other question.” I answer.
“To which one? Seeing her more than once, or giving me the deets on your hook-ups?” he grinned.
“The second one. Not sharing secrets. Sorry man.”
“You are no fun. All right, so tell me about the woman. It is a woman right?’
“Yes, asshole. Her name is Clare. I met her at the hospital, actually. She’s a single mom. Widowed.” There. I figured I might as well get all the shit out on the table.
Colin just stared at me blankly before running a beefy hand through his sandy blonde hair.
“What?” I asked.
“Okay, I’m going to say this in the nicest way I know how. But dude, you’re kind of a dick.”
I would act offended if it weren’t true.
“I see from your non-reply that you agree. So, I gotta ask. What are you doing with a woman like that? You can’t fuck around with her.”
“I know.”
“Do you? I sure hope so. Because she’s not a casual fuck, Logan. You can’t just bang her and leave. A woman like that is someone you stick around for. Are you ready for that?”
I remained silent, unable to answer. I honestly didn’t know. But despite everything, I wanted to find out.
~Clare~
"He came over to your house?" Leah whispered from the mat next to me as I arched my body, progressing through the movements of our Wednesday morning yoga class. In the last year, I had enrolled Maddie in preschool for a few mornings each week and if Leah’s schedule allowed, we always tried to make this class together. It was nice having a bit of “me time” with my best friend, even if she was currently trying to get us kicked out with her chattering.
"Yes, we ran into him at the home improvement store down the street, and he just offered to do the entire project for me. The store had me so turned around, I couldn't refuse," I whispered back, quietly moving into plank, enjoying the feel of my muscles as they flexed and lengthened. I tried to center myself; concentrating on the movements I was transitioning to when Leah interrupted me again. I really needed to find a new yoga partner.
"More like he had you so turned on, you couldn't refuse!" she exclaimed, a bit loudly, earning a scowl from the older woman next to us. Great, now I could never come back here again. We pushed back into the cricket pose and stretched back, settling into plank again.
"Leah! Shut up!" I hissed, keeping my voice lowered to a hush, hoping the grumpy old lady next to me wouldn’t overhear.
"It wasn't like that. He was very nice, and a complete gentleman. I assisted and he did, well, whatever you do when you put that type of thing together, and then he left. That's it."
Mostly.
I left out certain parts, like how I playfully threw jelly beans at his head, or when I got choked up seeing him going down the stairs with Maddie in his arms.
She glared at me in disbelief, but allowed us to continue our class in peace. I think even she had been a little scared of the grumpy lady with the evil-eyed stare.
We finished up and wandered over to a coffee shop about two blocks down from the yoga studio. It was one of our favorite places to visit during the spring. The owner, Phil, was obsessed with potted plants, vintage wrought iron tables, and anything else that screamed shabby chic. And yes, if all that didn’t clue you in, he was gay. It was a brutal crime against all women because the man was fine. He’d done some modeling when he was younger and it showed in his chiseled physique and turquoise green eyes. Women all over Richmond came to this coffee shop, and it wasn’t just because he could make a mean cup of coffee. Gay or not, he was a fine sight to see.
After saying our hellos to Phil and getting our weekly “ogle” in, we made our way to the outdoor seating area. "You know, this probably cancels out everything we just did in class," I said, pointing to the double mochas and chocolate muffins we had ordered. Did I mention Phil baked? It really was a crime. His partner was a lucky, lucky man. I took a seat next to Leah at the table we selected. It was a beautiful spring morning with the perfect amount of sun and warmth. I leaned back in the wrought iron chair and let the heat soak into my pores, easing my tired, worn out muscles.
“Well at least our minds are clear, our bellies might as well be full," Leah said, defending our breakfast as she shoveled a piece of muffin into her mouth and washed it down with her coffee. I don’t think Leah’s mind has ever been clear. There are too many dirty thoughts going on in there.
"So, that was it? You totally missed your chance, Clare! It's not like you’re going to keep running into Dr. Hot Ass every day. Do you want me to steal his phone number from work? I can still do it," she asked again with an exasperated sigh, clearly not done talking about Dr. Matthews.
"What? No! I mean, I have it. He gave it to me already," I said, the words stumbling out of my mouth before I could stop myself.
Crap. I’m in so much trouble.
She was giving me that look. The look that said I had broken the “girl code.”
"Clare Elizabeth Murray. He gave you his number? When? Sunday?"
I nodded, unable to hide the grin that spread across my face.
"And you didn't tell me until now?"
Still not talking, I nodded, again, grinning like an idiot.
"What the hell? I hate you," she said, pouting.
"Oh stop, you do not. I didn't tell you because it's nothing. He gave it to me because he invited Maddie and me to see Swan Lake on Saturday. He obviously needed a way to contact me. It's not a big deal," I said, looking away from her penetrating gaze and taking a sip of my coffee.
I decided not to mention how we had been texting and calling each other ever since. She would probably make a big deal out of that, too. I was still trying not to overanalyze anything. He was so hot and cold, I didn’t want to jump to conclusions. But every time I saw his name flash across my phone, my stomach would flutter. Our conversations started out innocent - figuring out what time he was going to pick us up on Saturday, where we should eat, but then we would somehow start talking about something entirely different. When we would start to wrap up our conversation, he’d say “I’ll call you later.” And he would.
"Um, excuse me. That's a big fucking deal. He asked you out!" Leah exclaimed.
"What? No, he didn’t. Did you hear what I said? He basically asked Maddie out. I'm only there for supervision. I think he's just being nice."
God, how I hoped he was not being nice. Did he ask us because he wanted to spend more time with me, or was he really just doing it for Maddie? I had convinced myself of the latter, but I was hoping for the former.
"Men that hot don't do “nice” Clare. He's taking the two of you, but he wants to see you first and foremost. I can guarantee it. I mean, wh
ich one of you will be wearing a thong?” she asked.
"Um, neither?"
"What? Oh God, you do need work. Come on, we’re going shopping.”
~Logan~
"This is not a date," I chanted to myself for the hundredth time as I pulled my car into Clare's driveway. I don't know why I was so damn nervous. I was acting like a fucking woman. I changed my tie twice, cut myself shaving, and paced the floor like a pansy, just waiting for the minutes to tick down until I could leave.
I had been nervous all week. When I’d blurted out my invitation to the ballet, I was desperate. I had been standing at Clare’s front door, unable to leave. I knew, standing there, I wouldn’t have another random chance like the one I had that day and I couldn’t leave it up to fate. Deciding to do the opposite of my status quo, I seized an opportunity and brought up the ballet. I walked out that night feeling both relieved at the thought of seeing Clare again and nervous as hell. We spent the rest of the week talking, continuing her attempt at the jelly bean game via text. We learned a lot about each other in a short amount of time. I knew where she went to college and that she majored in history. I knew she was obsessed with yoga and she knew I loved to run. When I suggested I take her out one morning for a few miles she sent back an unhappy emoticon as a response and that was how I found out Clare hated running. Every time my phone vibrated, I found myself grinning like a fucking idiot hoping it was her. Clare was witty and clever and always kept me on my toes. Best of all, she didn’t give two shits who I was or where I came from.
Now, Saturday had finally arrived and I was sitting in her driveway like a fucking idiot wondering what to do. Getting out of the car would be a good place to start.
I hadn't been on a date since Melanie. Picking up women in bars and clubs didn't count as dates. With Melanie, I had never been nervous on our dates. Looking back, maybe that should have been a clue...and damn it, this wasn't a date! Now I really needed to get out of this car before she noticed me sitting out here like a stalker.
I walked up to the front door and saw the curtains flutter before hearing "He's here Mommy! Hurry up!!" followed by a little girl’s laughter. Apparently, knocking wasn't necessary, but I did so anyway. I heard little feet racing toward the door as Clare shouted at Maddie to check and make sure it was me first. There was a brief pause, followed by another giggle, and the door opened. An adorable Maddie all dressed up for an evening out wiggled her finger toward me motioning for me to come closer. I leaned down to her level and she whispered, “If Mommy asks, I looked out the window, k? I already knew it was you."
