by J. L. Berg
“I guess I do.”
“I hope everything works out for you Logan,” he said sincerely.
“Me too, Gabe. Me too.”
Chapter Seventeen
~Clare~
It had been an entire week. I could only come up with so many more excuses for Logan’s absence before Maddie clued in that something was wrong. I told her he had to go on a trip, he had to work late, and that he had a cold. I was running out of options. She’d caught me crying at least three times, and I’d brushed it off, blaming anything from allergies to my contact lenses. She was a smart girl and she was bound to figure it out sooner or later. I needed to make my decision or tell her. My stomach churned in response.
When I’d left Logan’s house last week, I was so angry with him. I didn’t need time! I knew what I wanted, and it was him. I didn’t care what he had or how bad the cancer was. We were in love and we would get through it, right? That was until I walked into the front door of my house. I saw the couch where I had cared for Ethan after his numerous chemo treatments. I walked past the guest room which eventually became his when he had to move into a hospital bed. As I took a shower, I remembered having to bathe him when he was too weak to do so himself. I collapsed into a worthless pile on the shower floor, letting yet another round of tears take over.
I didn’t understand. Did fate hate me? Why give me love only to have it end like this? Logan was my second chance. I had gone through the horror of losing my husband, and had come to terms with living a life alone. Fate showed up and gave me Logan, and I fell in love. It was so easy, knowing I had an entire lifetime to love someone again. But, that was all ripped away last week when Logan told me he had cancer. Now I had to decide how strong I was, how much I was willing to give up again for love.
With Ethan, I had no choice. He was my husband, the father of my child. I stood by his side and I wouldn’t have changed a thing. Could I be so choosy with Logan? Could I actually walk away?
No, I couldn’t. But I was afraid to take the first step.
I paced the floors back and forth for days, wondering what he was doing, how he was feeling, but was never able to take the leap and walk out the door.
The house was quiet now. It had been quiet a lot lately. Me and my good buddy Silence had been hanging out quite a bit.
Leah, my constant rock, had been the great distractor this week, taking Maddie all over the city. They had visited the zoo and gone to a baseball game. Maddie was in heaven and I couldn’t thank Leah enough. I needed the time alone, as selfish as it was.
It was the middle of the afternoon and I was lying in bed. Again. At least I was dressed and showered. I guess that counted for something.
I pulled the sheet closer, tucking my knees to my chin, and wrapped my arms around them like a child.
Logan probably thought I had abandoned him by now. He told me to take time, but how much time did he think I would need. A normal person, a good person, would have just turned the car around and came back to declare their undying love. But, here I was, a week later, curled up in the fetal position, waiting for what?
Shouldn’t I be ready by now?
Ready...
Clare, you’re such an idiot.
Heart racing, I reached for the night stand and grabbed the letter that had been its sole occupant for the past three years. Racing downstairs, I grabbed my car keys and headed out the door to the one place I knew I had to be. The only place I could be when I read this letter. With Ethan.
I pulled up to the old cemetery and walked the path I’d traveled so many times before, listening to the soft rustle and moan of the trees as they moved. Eventually, I made it to my destination, looking at the place we had laid Ethan to rest three years earlier when I thought my life was ruined and could never be whole again. And here I was again, feeling like my walls were crashing down around me. I needed him, so I knelt down and began to speak.
“Hey baby, it’s me. I brought your letter,” I said, holding it up and waving it like he was there to see it. “I don’t know what to do, Ethan. I don’t know how to take that leap of faith I so desperately need to take right now. Please help me,” I pleaded right before turning the worn envelope over and breaking the seal. With shaky fingers, I unfolded the letter I had waited three years for, and read.
Clare,
I’ve started this letter half a dozen times, and they’ve all ended up in the trash, and now I don’t have much time. You’ve taken Maddie out for her first ice cream cone, and I stayed behind, saying I’d catch the next one. We haven’t discussed it yet, but as I feel my body growing weaker, I know there isn’t going to be a next one for me. This is it, and I’m so sorry Clare. I’m sorry I’ve failed you. I’m so sorry I won’t be there for you and Maddie.
I have so many things I want to say to you, so many words that I could write. But how do you fit a lifetime into a letter? How do you tell your wife everything you feel when there aren’t enough words to describe them? I’ve loved you since the moment I saw you standing in that disgusting bar, trying to fend off that drunken ogre. You’ve always been my number one, and my reason for living.
I thought we’d have a lifetime together. I thought I’d have decades to tell you and teach you all the ways in which I love you. I thought we would grow old together, watching our children conquer the world. But I don’t have years, or months, and I hate the thought of leaving you alone.
I know you will survive without me because you’re a fighter. You’re strong and brave and willing to give up everything for the ones you love. I’ve seen it firsthand. You will be the best parent to Maddie a child could ever possible have. Don’t doubt yourself. And please, make sure she knows about her old man. At least the good stuff.
You are my soul mate Clare, and the love of my life. Thank you so much for giving me your heart and your soul. It was the greatest gift a man could receive. But, now I have to give it back. My life is ending, but yours carries on. You can’t go through life without love, and you have too much of it to give. If love finds you again, don’t fight it. Don’t let grief hold you back. Love is a risk, there are no guarantees. But, in the end, it is always, always worth it.
The love of your life is still waiting Clare, go find him.
Yours always for eternity,
Ethan
The tears slid down my face as I read it, knowing Ethan had poured his soul into this letter. It was exactly what I needed to hear. Even now, he was still taking care of me.
I slowly rose, taking one last look at the marker where our shells still rested at the top. I counted them, making sure they were all still there and got to…eleven? I counted again and reached the same number.
Taking a step forward, I picked up the foreign shell, flipping back and forth in my hand, until it dawned on me where I had seen it before. Logan’s house. On his mantel.
Placing the shell back on the headstone, I said, “Thank you, Ethan,” and quietly turned, walking to the parking lot. As soon as I got into car, I began punching in numbers on my cell phone, waiting for an answer.
“Hello?” a gruff voice answered.
“Colin, I need to find Logan. Now,” I said as I sped out of the cemetery.
~Logan~
You would think I would be used to these types of rooms, stark white walls, and the pungent smell of cleaner. But being on the receiving end, the side that wasn’t in control? It made my skin crawl. Give me the lab coat and scrubs any day.
Unable to sit on that paper-covered exam bed, I paced the exam room like a lion, waiting for the oncologist to come in. He was someone I knew, which would either make it better, or really awkward.
So, Dr. Matthews, heard you have cancer? That’s a total bummer.
Yeah, I was going for awkward.
The nurse who had brought me in here and took my vitals had given me the “I’m sorry you might die look”. She must be new. I thought they would have trained that right out of them in a place like this, and instead replaced it with something more nurt
uring like “We’re here if you need us.”
Fuck, I didn’t want to be here. But a doctor refusing treatment probably wouldn’t look good. And, as much as I hated these walls, and the creepy nurse, I really preferred to be alive and kicking. Even if I was alone.
It had been a week.
She’d listened and stayed away for an entire week. I don’t know if that was a good sign or bad. I missed her more than I could put into words. After Melanie and Gabe left, it was just me in that great big house. Colin and Ella would stop by occasionally, making sure I was fed and watered, but it wasn’t the same without her. I saw her and Maddie everywhere I went. At the ice cream shop around the corner, at work when I’d examine a small child, and when I’d lie in bed wishing Clare was beside me.
But I told her I would give her time, and I would. As much as she needed, or as much as I had to give. I just hoped she didn’t wait too long.
A knock sounded at the door and I gave the okay for the doctor to enter.
Looking up, I saw a familiar set of green eyes and burgundy red hair enter the room.
“Clare?”
She rushed into my arms and brought her lips to mine.
It had been too long and my control snapped. I deepened the kiss instantly as my hands wrapped around her body.
Breaking our kiss, she looked at me, her eyes full of purpose.
“I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry it took me so long. I was just so confused. I couldn’t get myself to take the leap,” she said.
“What changed your mind?” I asked.
She was here. In my arms. I was never ever letting her go.
“Not what. Who,” she said.
Who?” I inquired, confused.
Reaching into her purse, she pulled out a piece of paper, a letter, and as I quickly scanned it, I realized it was a letter from Ethan.
“Read it.”
“Are you sure, Clare? Where did you get this?”
“I’ve had it for years. I just wasn’t ready. Please Logan, read it,” she begged, her eyes bright and full of excitement.
I took a seat in the corner, reading the letter that Clare entrusted me with. It was a beautiful letter and I would have normally felt jealousy reading someone else declaring their undying love for Clare on paper, but I felt nothing but gratitude. When I finished, I looked up at her, tears blurring my eyes, humbled by Ethan’s selfless words.
“I’ve found him. You’re the love of my life,” she whispered.
A single phone call had made me feel like my life had ended, but two sentences had brought it springing back from the depths of hell.
“But, what if...” I started to ask.
“No. No ‘what if’s’,” she said, “We’re meant to be, we can handle anything.”
Hearing her words, seeing her stand before me baring her soul, made me feel invincible. She was right. Cancer or no, we could handle anything life threw at us, as long as we were together.
“Marry me,” I said, pulling the ring I had carried in my pocket for weeks, finally placing it on her finger where it belonged. It was about the most unromantic place for a marriage proposal ever, but considering everything we’d been through, and everything we would go through, it was perfect.
“Oh my God! Where did you get that?” she cried, looking down at mammoth ring now residing on her finger. It looked perfect, just as I knew it would.
“I’ve had it for weeks. Your Dad thought he was pulling a fast one on me that day at the cookout, when he told me I better make an honest woman of you soon. I think I surprised him when I laughed and said it was already in the works,” I said, a wide grin spreading across my face.
“So, that was what I saw!”
“Guilty. And, Clare?”
“Yes?” she said, tearing her eyes away from her hand.
“You haven’t answered me yet.”
“Oh! Yes!” she squealed, looking down at her ring again before I pulled her into my arms and swung her around the exam room.
The doctor chose this moment to knock and enter the room, looking startled at the sight of us spinning around the room.
“Um, sorry Logan. I’ll give you two a minute. Just let me know when you’re ready,” he said, obviously feeling awkward.
Clare and I looked at each other and grinned, before she said.
“We don’t need any time. We’re ready for anything.”
Epilogue
Two years later...
~Clare~
“Oh, God...why does this have to be happening now?” I said to myself as the double doors to the ER whooshed open, and I rushed to the counter.
“Do you need to see a doctor?” the attendant asked. Hmm, she looked vaguely familiar.
A feeling of deja vu swept over me. Her nametag read “Tammy” and I remembered the last time I’d seen her in this waiting room. The night I’d met Logan.
“Yes, I need to see a doctor. One doctor in particular,” I requested, but before I could continue she cut me off.
“Ma’am, you’ll just have to sign in and they will assign you a doctor when you get back there. You can’t request a doctor in the ER. We aren’t a doctor’s office,” she said, her voice filled with annoyance.
Don’t kill the nurse, Clare.
Breathe in, breathe out. Isn’t that what they teach you to do?
“I don’t think you understand. My name is Clare Matthews. My husband is Logan Matthews.”
Her face quickly changed from annoyed to pleasant as she said, “Oh, I’m sorry Mrs. Matthews. I can page him. Is there anything you’d like me to tell him?”
“Yes, please,” I said, feeling another wave of pain take over. “Can you let him know I’m in labor?”
~Logan~
I ran my hands through my hair, trying not to let the exhaustion take over. It seemed like a lifetime ago, but I remembered what it felt like to run my hands over my head and feel nothing. Clare said I looked sexy, and I had to admit, it wasn’t a bad look if you took away the black bags under my eyes and the yellowish skin. I don’t know how the women who went through chemo handled it. Men weren’t nearly as attached to their hair. But I did love having it back, feeling Clare run her hands through it, tugging on it as we made love.
They always said going through something life-altering like cancer made you appreciate the little things in life, and that was true. But it also made you appreciate the larger ones as well, like family, friends and being able to wake up in the morning. There were mornings I would wake up and just lay there staring at her, so grateful she stayed. There were rough days. Hell, there were rough months, but we pulled together as a family. I eventually shed my last layer of ice, and allowed my mother to become part of our family. Not that I had much of a choice. After meeting “Grandma Cece” in New York, Maddie insisted that she visit, and that was that. As always, Maddie knew what was best for our family.
When Clare said yes to my exam room marriage proposal, we didn’t waste any time. Our St. Thomas summer vacation turned into an impromptu wedding. We flew our family and friends out, renting out a small resort for the occasion. It was intimate and beautiful, and Maddie thought we threw the entire event in honor of her birthday. After the wedding, we decided two houses was one more than we needed, and sold her house. I told her we didn’t need to, that I would gladly sell mine. But she was adamant, saying we needed a fresh start with new memories. Watching her pack up the house she’d shared with Ethan was difficult. I felt like I was taking him out of her life, but she insisted it was just a house, and he would always live on. We still went to the cemetery each year, placing shells on his grave, and we made sure to keep photos of him scattered throughout the house so Maddie never forgot the man who gave her life.
The day they told me there were no signs of cancer left, and I was in remission, I thought my life was complete. I had everything I needed. I had my health back, the love of my life at my side, and a daughter who thought I was a super hero. Clare went back to work at one of the local high schools, an
d we started our life as a normal family. Finally.
About a month later, I came home to a silent house. I called out for Maddie. No answer. I called out for Clare, no answer. I finally found her in the master bathroom, curled up on the floor crying. I rushed to her fearing the worse. But she just handed me a positive pregnancy test, smiling, with tears of joy running down her face. They had told us it may not be possible after the chemotherapy. But it happened for us. Turned out my life was far from complete. It was just beginning.
“Paging Dr. Matthews, Paging Dr. Matthews,” filled the airwaves. I picked up the nearest phone and dialed the extension listed with the page.
“Hi, this is Dr. Matthews. I was paged.”
“Hi, Dr. Matthews. This is Tammy from the front desk. Your wife is here, and we’re currently checking her in through L&D. She wanted to let you know she’s in labor.”
“Fuck!” I shouted, before taking off in a sprint for the waiting room.
~Clare~
“He’s beautiful,” Leah cooed as I watched my husband hold our new son for the first time. He’d been a father since the moment he laid eyes on Maddie, but there was always something special about seeing a new father, no matter how many times around.
I chuckled to myself, remembering the sight of Logan in his scrubs, barreling down the hall, and throwing the double doors open to the ER. You would think a doctor, especially one trained in trauma would be calmer. But I guess every new father was entitled to his moment of crazy, even a doctor.
He had check me over from head to foot even though I assured him I was perfectly fine.
They escorted us to Labor and Delivery, and five seconds later, an attractive blonde nurse walked in. Apparently Leah wasn’t going to let anyone else near her godson, or goddaughter. We decided to leave the sex of the baby a mystery, driving everyone crazy. With everything that we had gone through over the last two years, having a little mystery that wasn’t a dire circumstance was nice.
Once I was hooked up to the monitors and given some medication for the pain, Logan was able to relax and play the role of expectant father, for the most part. He still watched the monitors like a hawk and checked my vitals more than necessary. When our son was delivered, all notions of being a doctor were dropped and Logan became a father to our child instantly. Seeing him cut the cord and running his hand down the baby’s tiny cheek made me proud to call him my husband.
