by Debra Holt
J.D. narrowed his gaze on her. She knew a lot more than she was willing to share. “I have to talk to her today, Tracy. I’m not asking you to betray a friend’s confidence, just maybe give a really big hint and point me in the right direction.”
Tracy nervously tucked a few stray hairs from her pony tail behind an ear before scooting her chair back from her desk. She stood with a stack of folders in her arms. “J.D., this wouldn’t be a good day. You can talk to her tomorrow. Just let her be today.” She went to move past him but his hand on her elbow stopped her.
“Please, Tracy. Help me understand. I can’t try to fix things between us if I haven’t a clue where to begin. You know how I feel about her. I’m not here to hurt her. I just need to talk to her, but without the wall she keeps throwing up between us.”
“I can see how much this means to you, J.D. You’re confused, and not a lot of this makes sense to you. I care for the both of you. But sometimes finding the truth can be worse than not knowing.”
Her words were cryptic. Was she warning him about something?
“I can take the truth, no matter what it is. Without the truth, I can’t find a way to fix whatever the problem is.”
Tracy looked at him with a slight tilt to her head, an obvious debate going on within her mind. Finally, she inhaled a slow breath and then exhaled it, her decision made. “It’s a nice day to take a drive in the country... maybe in the direction of Leesville. They have a Baptist church there on the outskirts of town that is a historical landmark... if you’re interested in learning about the past. I’d leave now if I were you.”
J.D. bent and placed a quick kiss on the woman’s cheek. He knew she was trying to help him… and Amanda, too.
Tracy stood at the window and watched the black truck pull out of the parking lot, heading west toward Leesville. “I hope you aren’t too late. I hope you really are strong enough to take the truth when you find it. Hopefully, Amanda will understand what I just did.”
“Talking to yourself?” Tyler came in the back door. “Was that J.D. I saw pulling away? I tried to get his attention but he looked like he was a man on a mission.”
“He’s on his way to church. Didn’t want to be late.” Tracy headed toward the file room and left Tyler looking totally confused by her cryptic answer. He was wise enough to not ask for clarification.
Chapter Eight
J.D. made the usual hour-long drive to Leesville in just fewer than forty-five minutes. He had no idea what he would find when he got there, but if he would find Amanda there, that was all he needed to know. It had given him time to think. He had spent hours doing that very thing since his return to McKenna Springs. Every thought had revolved around one person… Mandy. Or rather, Amanda, as she had taken great pains to point out to him on more than one occasion.
The old stone church stood under century-old oak trees, and a low rock wall surrounded the cemetery behind it. He didn’t see any sign of Amanda’s car, so he eased into a spot beside the small convenience store across the highway and cut his engine. J.D. was prepared to wait however long it took. He just hoped he hadn’t missed her.
Almost any other man might have thrown in the towel by now... given up and moved on to find a woman who welcomed the attention, instead of putting up roadblocks at every turn. But he wasn’t most men, and she certainly wasn’t most women. That was why she had captured his heart the first time he'd seen her… at his feet, pinning him with the bluest eyes he had ever seen. It was those blue eyes that had invaded his dreams and followed his every step over the years. Once he had attained everything he had ever dreamed of, both career- and material-wise, it was those blue eyes that had drawn him back to his beginnings. His life would never be complete without the woman who still held his heart in her hands.
J.D. had no idea why Amanda was bent on denying their past and keeping him at a distance. Even though her words might have been sharp, her response to his kiss had been the opposite. She had responded for a few moments as she once had in his arms. Her heart remembered, and it was her heart he would fight for with everything he had in him. Hopefully, today and this place would give him the key to unlock the mystery.
It turned out his wait wasn’t that long... maybe ten minutes. The familiar small red car pulled into a parking space in front of the church. J.D. watched as Amanda, dressed in black slacks and a gray sweater, stepped from the car. Opening the back door, she then reached inside the vehicle. J.D. was surprised to see she withdrew a large arrangement of flowers. Perhaps she was visiting one of the graves in the small cemetery? Were her aunt and uncle buried there?
Amanda didn’t take the sidewalk that led from the front of the church around to the entrance to the cemetery. Instead, she carried the large bouquet up the front steps of the church, pushed the large oak door open with her shoulder, and disappeared inside.
He wanted answers, so it was now or never. J.D. eased from the truck and slowly crossed the highway. He followed along the same walkway, up the steps two at a time, before stepping quietly through the large double doors. He paused inside the vestibule to allow his eyes to grow accustomed to the dim lighting of the interior.
Normally, J.D. might have taken time to admire the carved, dark wood of the insides of the country church and the way stained-glass windows allowed light to filter inside, the glass acting as prisms diffusing soft, colored light across the dark gold upholstered chairs and pews. Stepping to the opened double doors leading to the sanctuary, he saw Amanda approach the altar with the flowers. J.D. moved quietly along the outside aisle, his booted footsteps muffled by the thick carpeting, to stand a few feet away behind one of the wide pillars supporting the peaked ceiling. He was just about to make his presence known when a side door opened, and an elderly gentleman in a dark sport coat and slacks appeared.
“Another year has passed, and so quickly.” His greeting held warmth in his tones as he moved to join the woman in front of the altar table. “How are you, my dear?”
They embraced.
“I’m well, Brother Graham. And you?”
“No complaints here. I’m always amazed at the beautiful flowers you bring each year. I think these are some of the prettiest ones yet. The pink and white roses smell so sweet. And the larger flowers… what are they? I know my wife loves these, but I always forget their names.”
“Gerbera daisies. They’re very hardy and always make me smile. They’re happy flowers.”
“I agree. They do make a person want to smile looking upon them, and that is as it should be with God’s creations.”
The arrangement was set in the center of the table, an open Bible on one side and an offering plate on the other. It made quite a striking display in the small church.
“Thank you, Brother Graham, for allowing me to do this each year on this special day.”
Amanda spoke softly, and J.D. had to strain to hear the words. Part of him felt uneasy about eavesdropping in such a manner, but another part held him in place for some unknown reason.
“My dear girl, this is a simple gesture, yet one that brings great peace to your mind and soul. It is also a testament to a mother’s love. Many years ago, you endured the greatest loss any mother could ever go through… the loss of your unborn child. It is a fitting tribute to remember this day and the beautiful little angel resting in God’s hands.”
“I wouldn’t have survived those dark days without you and this church. It’s been twelve years since I lost her. You all helped me to get through it and find a way to move on with my life. I’m forever grateful that you allow me to place this remembrance here each year on the anniversary.”
The rest of the conversation was lost to J.D. In the periphery of his mind, he was aware Amanda and the pastor shared a brief hug, and then he left her alone. Amanda stood for a few more minutes, her head bowed and as still as a statue. Then she took a deep breath and turned to walk back to the front door of the church.
“You lost our baby?”
****
; Time came to a standstill. The stark, pained-filled words jarred the peace inside the church.
Amanda halted her steps, her breath caught in the shock of seeing him. J.D. stood at the end of the aisle. The look in his gaze made her take another deep breath. One arm seemed to be supporting his weight against the wide pillar. Dark jade eyes were imploring hers for an answer to the question his voice was barely able to speak.
“You had a baby… twelve years ago? Is that true?”
How had J.D. known where to find her? flitted across her mind, but it was of small consequence in the light of what was to come. She only knew the moment for truth had arrived. Amanda had lived with it for a dozen years. It was J.D. who was about to get a harsh dose of reality.
“Yes, I miscarried in my second trimester. A little girl.”
“Tell me all of it. I need to know all of it.”
Amanda moved forward and seated herself on the edge of one of the pews. She assembled the thoughts in her mind first. J.D. leaned his back against the pillar closest to where she sat, his hands shoved into the pockets of his jacket. He waited.
She began at the beginning. “When I told my uncle I was pregnant, he became very angry. All he could think about was the shame I would bring to him once people found out about his unwed niece. One day, about a week after I'd told him, he said he'd found a home for the baby. I wanted to keep my baby, but he wouldn’t listen. He had made arrangements that I would go to Dallas, and he'd rented a room in this older house for me to stay in until the baby was born, and then the lawyer handling the adoption would take care of the rest of it.”
The memories of those awful days crowded into her mind, and she had to take a calming breath in order to continue. “I kept begging and hoping for him to change his mind and let me keep my baby. She was the only thing that I had to love, and even before she was born, I loved her more than life. One night, I became ill. I thought it was just an upset stomach from all the stress going on in my life at the time. A week later, I had my regular appointment with the clinic doctor in the neighborhood. That’s when they told me my baby had died. I wanted to die also.”
She stood and looked back toward the altar, her arms crossed over her chest to keep the sudden chill at bay. “My uncle took me back to Lawson but I ran away. I got as far as this church. It was raining, and I discovered the door unlocked and went inside. Brother Graham found me, and he and his wife were very kind to me. I visit them at least one Sunday each month, and on this date each year, I provide the flowers, and Brother Graham offers a special prayer during services. Some people prefer to go on and try to forget such tragedy, but I handle my grief and memories in this way. She may not have been born, but she was still very real in the time I carried her inside me.”
When Amanda stopped, something unusual happened within her. It felt as if a great lead weight had been lifted from her shoulders. She hadn’t realized she'd carried it until that moment. It was as if saying the words out loud was a cathartic release.
J.D. was quiet for a long while. He moved to take a seat on the pew across the aisle from where she stood, as if his legs weren’t to be trusted. With his arms propped on his knees, his eyes stayed on his hands, as he held them clasped in front of him. For a long time, he didn’t speak, and the silence lengthened. When words did come, they were just above a whisper in strength.
“Twelve years ago. When I left here... you were carrying my child. Why didn’t you tell me? You had to know I would never have left you had I known.” His eyes, when he turned them upon her, held a bleakness she had never seen before.
“I only realized I was pregnant five weeks after you left.”
“I had a right to know about my own child. Why didn’t you ever tell me?” he ground out, his tone almost cold in its delivery.
Amanda was taken aback for a moment. What was he trying to do? Did he want to believe he was the injured party in this? It was a little late for that.
“I did. Why try to act now as if you didn’t know?”
His eyes flew to hers, the look in them as if someone had just aimed a dagger at the center of his chest. “What are you talking about? I never knew about this baby.”
Amanda was not about to allow him to have selective memory again about one of the darkest days she had ever known. “It was several weeks later when you finally phoned to let your grandparents know where you were. Your grandmother told me you had made it to Nashville and you had auditioned and even had an agent already. I called… once… to the agency. They took a message and promised to give it to you. I asked you to call me right away. You never did.” Her voice was devoid of emotion. It was as if she were reciting someone else’s story.
“I never got any message.”
“I took your silence to mean you didn’t want to be bothered by me while you were busy making it big… making your dream come true. Getting all those things you said you always would have. Besides, I had a lot of things to deal with, especially after I had to tell my uncle the truth. I was in my fifth month when the hot new sensation J.D. Sterling came to Dallas for a concert. Being alone and pregnant, I was so afraid... I had nowhere else to go or anyone else to turn to. I panicked. I decided to swallow the last bit of pride I had and give it one more try… to see you and tell you about the baby.”
“But I didn’t know you were there. Why didn’t you come to me? Why didn’t you tell me about the baby?” His voice strained with fractured emotion, pleading in an attempt to understand.
Amanda recognized the look of pain in his eyes. It was fresh, but it would change. She knew because she had watched it in her own eyes in the mirror each day over the last dozen years. The pain would never go away, but it would become bearable. He wouldn't be ready to hear that though, she knew from experience.
“I tried. I went to the concert. I spoke to a man at the stage door. Another man came out to speak with me. You sent me away… with an autographed photo… Thanks for everything, J.D.
Her words appeared to repulse him. “I never would have done something so cold.”
“No, you had your tour manager do it for you.” Her voice became hard as the memory came alive for her again. “In fact, he said you didn’t want me around. If I came back or tried to cause any trouble for you, you’d sue me and he promised you could even take the baby away from me. I was young and scared, and I ran away when he said that about taking the baby.” Amanda straightened her shoulders, banishing those painful memories to the place deep inside her heart. “It was long ago. I choose to not think about that part of it. I found my way through it with the help of a few close friends and lots of prayer.”
J.D. sat silently for several long moments. His face was pale, and his eyes dark and flat. When he spoke, it was with difficulty. It was apparent he fought a battle to keep his emotions under control.
“I can understand now why you reacted as you did to my return. You have every right to hate me, but it could never be as much as I hate myself. I should never have left you. This was my entire fault. You should never have had to go through any of this alone.” His voice actually cracked, and he couldn’t go any further. It was too painful. “I can promise you that if I had known you were there that night. I would never have let you leave.”
Amanda couldn’t look at him at that moment. She had seen the sheen of moisture in the jade eyes and had looked away. “You were right to leave when you did. You would never have been happy if you'd stayed in Lawson. You would have always wondered what might have been, and then you would have grown to resent me, and even the baby, for holding you back. I would never have learned to stand on my own if you had come back for me. I would have traded my uncle for you and would have been content to stay in the shadows of your spotlight.”
“How do you manage to carry this inside of you each day?”
“It was almost unbearable in the beginning. Over the years, I’ve been able to get through each day because my heart is at peace. It took a long time to get to a place where I didn’t feel empty to t
he core and afraid. A few good people reached out to me, and I reached back. I knew that, no matter what, nothing I faced in the future would come close to that pain. It didn’t break me, and I survived it. I could and would survive anything to come. You have to find your own way to handle it. This is a good place to start.”
Amanda gave a soft nod of her head toward the altar. She didn’t know what else to say, and she knew she couldn’t ease the pain from his heart; he had to find his own way through that valley. The truth had finally been set free. She left him alone.
****
The next day, J.D. spent from sunup till way past sundown out on the ranch. There was a lot of work to be done, and he had crews to do it, but he needed to be outside… on horseback… alone with his thoughts. The one recurring thought in his mind was that his whole life could have been different if he had known about his child… a daughter. His mind tried to picture what she would have looked like, and the pain cut too sharply into his heart.
He could have made things so different for Amanda. While she had not provided details, he knew well enough how her uncle had to have treated her after he'd found out she was having a baby. The idea of the man throwing her into a big city with no one she knew, and probably very little money to live on made his blood boil.
The depth of her fear and loneliness could be well imagined. How desperate she had been when she'd tried to find him and seek his help, only to run away in fear. True enough, she had survived it all, but at what price? He knew a helplessness that made him sick to his stomach. As much as he would give to go back and change things in the past, he knew there was no way he could do that. Somehow, someway, he had to make Amanda understand he would have done anything to make things right, if only he had known. There was one thing he could do, though, and he pulled the cell phone from his pocket and punched in a number. There was a reckoning to be had.
