Her arms came around his neck. She lifted her lashes to look up at him, whispering, “Josh.”
Though she said only his name, she said so much more. She needed him. Wanted to feel the same all-encompassing ecstasy that burying himself inside her gave him. But he was wound up so tight, so close to soaring over the edge into abandon, he couldn’t. He’d come the minute her hot sheath clamped around him.
Instead, he trailed his fingers down her stomach, through her soft curls, and slid one finger between her moist folds.
Amanda’s hands dug into his shoulders, and she let out a quiet moan. Her legs fell apart, her eyes closed. As he dragged his thumb over her sensitive center, she arched up into him.
“Josh, please…”
He shuddered at her plaintive whisper. Everything inside him demanded he give her what she wanted. That he sink so deep inside her he touched her core. That he forget about anything but the way she made him feel, the delirious pleasure her body gave his. He was so hard and ready, it hurt. But he wouldn’t give in to selfish pursuits. Not when he wanted her right there with him, crashing over the edge at the same time he did.
Dipping his head to capture her mouth again, he kissed her slowly as he eased a finger inside her slick opening.
She bucked against his hand, a needy cry tumbling from her throat.
He tugged on her lower lip with his teeth as he eased another finger inside her and stroked her swollen flesh. She lifted off the mattress, writhing against his palm as she turned her head to the side and gulped in a raspy breath.
“You are my world,” he whispered against the side of her throat.
As her slick sex fluttered against his fingertips, he withdrew, brought his hand up to trail lazy circles over her belly, before he slid his leg over hers and covered her with his body. Poised between her legs, he held himself up on his arms, waiting for her to turn her head back and look at him. He wanted to see the flash of pleasure in those dark blue eyes as he embedded himself in her quivering flesh.
Sensing his desire, Amanda opened her eyes and locked her gaze with his. Fire shot straight to his gut. He reached between them, aligned himself with her opening, and lowered his hips, easing into her with one endless, agonizingly slow thrust.
Her sheath gripped him inch by torturous inch, taking him deeper, making him shudder. When he touched the mouth of her womb, he stilled and sucked in hard breaths through his nose. Christ, she was tight. So incredibly hot. His cock swelled a little more.
She rolled her hips backward, and he felt his balls pull into his body.
Clenching his teeth together, he ground out, “Don’t. Move.”
Amanda gave him a smile. A soft little smile that revealed her neat white teeth and lit her face with spellbinding affection.
His heart rolled over. Dropping his head, he brought his mouth to hers, losing himself in the feel of her soft lips, of her body beneath his. Angling his hips, he withdrew and sparks rolled down his spine, seeped into his toes, tingled through his cock.
As he sank back in, she locked her ankles behind his calves and lifted up to meet him. Her hands glided down his back to grip his buttocks, and Josh forgot how to think.
With a low groan, he succumbed to ecstasy as he slid and pumped, giving them both what they wanted. What eight years apart denied.
She cried out, a muffled sound his shoulder dampened, and arched fiercely into him. Her flesh pulsed around his cock.
Desire surged through him. His climax stormed through his body with all the ferocity of fire on a barren field. Consuming. Gratifying.
It tore through another chunk in the towering walls around him, carved out a great big hole around his heart, exposing it to Amanda. He spilled himself into her as one frightening thought drummed in his mind.
I need you, baby.
Spent and exhausted, he dropped his forehead to her shoulder. His arms shook with the effort of holding himself up so she could breathe. She was so tiny and her breath so ragged, he didn’t want to suffocate her.
Her palm flattened between his shoulder blades, gentle pressure encouraging him to relax. He collapsed into, her but the shaking didn’t quit. He was trembling for God’s sake. Sweet Mary, what had his body just discovered that his mind couldn’t quite grasp?
Amanda let out a quiet little murmur of pleasure as she slid her fingers through his hair. He was glad he hadn’t cut it short like Olivia suggested. He left it a little shaggy, longer than he probably ought to, given his professional meetings. But Amanda liked it. She always had. And though at the time he hadn’t acknowledged the thought, he’d left it alone because of her.
When the weakness in his limbs faded, he eased himself off her, rolling onto his back and pulling her against his chest. She snuggled into him, pressed her hand over his heart, and let out a deep sigh.
He lay there, content to hold her, to bathe in the overwhelming sensations that filtered through his veins and the steady drum of his heartbeat. Tracing his fingers down the length of her slender spine, he brushed a kiss against her silken hair. God, she was amazing. This was amazing. How had he ever thought he could live life without it?
“What made you come back, Josh?” Her whisper tickled across his chest.
Swallowing, Josh hesitated. He almost told her it was for business. Felt the comfortable explanation rise up and clamped his teeth over it just before it rolled off his tongue. He didn’t want to lie to her. Didn’t want to lie to himself anymore. While Sandra gave him an excuse, he’d been looking for some reason to come back to Amanda for a long time. He just didn’t have the courage to do it before the phone call.
“You,” he answered quietly. “There hasn’t been a day you haven’t been on my mind.”
“Eight years is an awful long time.”
“I know.” Too damn long.
Tomorrow, he’d explain. Try to put logical words to the nonsensical things he felt. It was a conversation that would lead to others. The kind that could take all night, and he hadn’t had enough time to sort through exactly how he intended to tell her that he wanted her and Emma to go back with him. It wasn’t the sort of discussion meant for pillow talk.
She stiffened beside him. In the next heartbeat, she rolled onto her side. Folding her hands beneath her head, she stared out the window.
Josh lifted to his elbow. He settled his hand on her hip and pulled, trying to turn her back to him, but she resisted.
“Baby? What’s wrong?” The space between them felt like an enormous cavern. He couldn’t think of a time when she’d distanced herself after sex. She always liked to cuddle. To lie together quietly and talk about nothing until she couldn’t keep her eyes open.
“When do you leave? Tonight? Tomorrow? Next week?” Although almost inaudible, her whisper cracked through the air.
Josh wilted a little inside. But on the heels of the pang of guilt, his heart swelled as he pictured the way her face would light up. He gave her a firm tug and pushed her into the pillows so he could look at her. “I’m not leaving you, Amanda.”
She smiled. She even let out a little chuckle. Yet it came out hollow and empty. Disbelieving. Filled with a touch of resentment. “I’ve heard that before. I want to hear the truth tonight. If you’re going to be gone by morning, just say so. Maybe then it won’t hurt so bad.”
His stomach bunched as something inside him seized. He deserved her mistrust, but right now, it felt like she’d shoved a dagger between his ribs. Searching her face, he willed her to believe. “I mean it, honey. I want you there when I wake up. There when I go to sleep. I want to hear Emma’s laughter every day. I’ll be here in the morning. Tomorrow night. The next. Until God takes me from you.”
She did grin at that and slipped her fingers through his hair, brushing it away from his eyes. “Don’t make fantastic promises. They hurt more than the little ones. Start with morning. See if you can make it that long before you run away.”
He drew back, stung.
He couldn’t blame her. He’d done nothing but break promises to her for so long, how could he expect any less? Still, he hadn’t expected it would hurt like this. Everything he was, he owed to her. Couldn’t she see, this time, he meant every last syllable of his promises?
“I need you to believe me, Amanda. Please.” In the quiet, his faltering voice sounded hoarse.
She tipped her head, meeting his gaze. “I want to, Josh. But I know differently. You’ll never believe I’m not your mother. You’ll never let yourself love me. Not down deep, where it matters. And when you think those big scary feelings might jump up and grab you, you’ll be gone without a word. I just don’t want it to happen in the middle of the night again. Please don’t do that to me.”
Swallowing back a bitter taste in his mouth, he nodded. “I won’t, honey. I swear I’ll be here in the morning.”
He’d just have to prove it to her. When she woke up tomorrow, and he was still here, she’d believe. She had to. Then he could tell her what he wanted. How, after ten years, he’d give her the house in the city she’d longed for. That he’d take her out of this place they both wanted to escape. They’d never look back and would live out the dreams they’d once put together. Raise Emma. Maybe another if making love to her tonight put them in that situation.
Amanda rolled back into his arms, snuggling close as she pressed a kiss against his chest. “I didn’t mean to spoil things,” she murmured as she trailed lazy fingertips across his belly.
His skin prickled pleasantly. Lord, he loved the way she touched him. Catching her hand in his, he laced his fingers through hers and shook his head, protesting her apology. She hadn’t really spoiled anything. What she’d said had been a long time coming. He should have given her the opportunity to say it years ago.
“You didn’t. I’m going to prove you wrong, Amanda. I’m going to make you believe that I’m not going to hurt you anymore.”
“I hope you do.”
He wrapped his arms around her and squeezed tight. Tomorrow, she wouldn’t have a choice. She couldn’t doubt him when he sat her down and spilled out all the things he should have told her a long time ago.
Everything would be all right come morning. She’d believe, and this disturbing racket in his chest would go away.
Twelve
As sunlight filtered in through the window and fell on Amanda’s face, she groaned in protest. It couldn’t be morning yet. She hadn’t had enough sleep. Josh had…
Josh! Josh was here.
She rolled over with a smile, reaching for him.
Empty pillows greeted her, the tangled covers the only sign he’d ever been there beside her. That and the way her body felt. A little bruised and tender. Especially on her hipbones where his fingers had dug into her.
Bolting upright, despair crashed into her. He’d done it again. She’d stayed awake until dawn peeked into the sky, afraid if she closed her eyes he’d vanish. And somehow, he managed to do it anyway.
Damn him.
Damn her for being stupid enough to believe.
She drove her hand into the pillow as tears welled in her eyes. Fighting them back, she tossed the covers aside and stumbled out of bed. She couldn’t cry now. Lucas would be here any minute to pick up Emma for church. Sunday morning was the only time of the week Amanda had to herself. She’d cry when no one could see how easily Josh broke her. When she wouldn’t have to confront the humiliation of facing Lucas and admitting that Josh walked out in the middle of the night once again.
Yanking her robe off the chair near the closet, she shrugged into it.
She shouldn’t be surprised. Last night had been too intense to think Josh would be able to face things this morning. To look her in the eyes and embrace her feelings for him. Yet for some reason, she was. He’d been so adamant last night about making her believe that she’d let a little part of her trust his words. Silvery words experience proved he couldn’t honor.
Taking a deep breath to hide her aching heart from Emma, she stepped into the hall. “Emma? Time to get up.”
As she turned toward her daughter’s partly open door, she stopped and sniffed the air.
Smoke filtered through the house. Thick, acrid, and stinging her nose.
Fire!
Amanda’s heart kicked into triple time as she whirled around.
Oh, for the love of God, had Emma tried to make toast on her own again?
“Emma!”
Amanda barreled down the stairs, driven by panic. The last time she slept in, she’d gotten up just in time to hear Emma scream as the kitchen curtains caught on fire. She’d left the toaster oven too close to the thin sheers and wandered off, preoccupied by cartoons.
“Emma!”
Amanda’s feet pounded across the floor, her heart careening into her ribs as the smoke detector rang out. Skidding to a stop in front of the closed kitchen door, she palmed the outside, some distant memory saying she ought to before she opened it. Cool to the touch, she jerked it wide, sending it crashing into the wall. Her gaze riveted on the counter.
No Emma.
No fire, either.
Just Josh standing over the stove, looking at her like she’d scared the shit out of him.
Amanda sank into the doorframe, her legs giving out. She slid down to the ground, as relief, surprise, and a whole bunch of other emotions she couldn’t classify washed over her. Overcome, she dropped her head into her hands to hide her tears.
Josh was here. He hadn’t left her. And that handsome, heartbreaking man was trying to cook breakfast. Something he couldn’t do to save his life.
She felt his arms wind around her, pulling her up to her feet and fastening her against his bare chest. “Baby, are you okay?”
“Where’s Emma?” She wiped at her tears.
Suddenly he was laughing. His deep chuckles shook his shoulders and reverberated against her cheek.
She pushed at his shoulder with one hand. Nothing about this was remotely funny. He’d inadvertently just stripped several years off her life. “Put some clothes on. Emma could be down any minute now.”
Fastening his hands on her upper arms, Josh pushed her away from him and grinned. “You don’t remember talking to me this morning?”
Amanda blinked. “What are you talking about? What time is it? Where’s Emma?” She hadn’t talked to anyone this morning. She’d passed out cold as soon as the sky turned lavender.
Josh’s laughter came harder, and she narrowed her eyes.
“At eight, when your alarm went off, you informed me I had to get up to meet Lucas because you were too tired.”
She blinked again. She’d done no such thing.
“At eight-thirty, I asked you if she could wear her green dress. You told me she had to wear pink. Which, I might add, Emma was not pleased about.”
He’d gotten Emma ready for church? Oh, that would have been hysterical. He surely wasn’t serious.
“I did?”
“You did.”
She blushed. “Emma hates pink.”
“So I gathered.” He let go, returning to the stove and his smoldering…something…in the skillet.
Josh glanced over his shoulder with a devilish smirk. “At nine, after Lucas left with her, you kicked me out of bed when I kissed you. Told me you’d slap me if I even thought about it.”
Heat filled her face as her mouth dropped open. Oh, for the love of God, she remembered that. Only, she’d thought she was dreaming, and it hadn’t been Josh. It was Tyler there to harass her.
Humor danced in Josh’s green eyes. “It’s eleven, honey. I’m sorry my breakfast woke you up, but I’m damned hungry.” With a twist of his wrist, he dropped the burned substance onto a plate.
Amanda squinted at it. Was that bacon?
“You aren’t really going to eat that, are you?”
He shrugged. “It’s a little smoky, but it’s
food.”
“Josh McDaniels, that is not food.” Standing up, she snatched the plate from his hands and dumped it into the disposer before he could try and take it back.
“Hey!”
Ignoring his protest, she went to the refrigerator and trying to hide a grin, took out the basket of eggs. “You are a disaster in the kitchen, I swear. You could ruin ice. Sit down. I’ll make you an omelet.”
With a glance at his charred skillet, she reached for another, turned the fire up under it, and leaned against the counter to look at him.
Not wise.
Dressed in his navy cotton boxers, the rest of his bare skin assaulted her senses. Tanned, despite the time of year. Hard contours that bunched and pulled as he moved and made her want to touch. She curled her fingers around the countertop, resisting. But when his eyes drifted up to meet hers, the spark inside them told her he was all too aware of her perusal. A ripple of pleasure floated through her.
She turned back to the stove and cracked open an egg. Adding the rest, she went back to the fridge for the container of chopped ham. She pulled a bag of green peppers she’d previously chopped from the freezer, and then remembered the cheese.
Taking everything back to the counter, she added her ingredients, desperately trying to ignore the weight of Josh’s stare and the energy crackling between them.
As she watched the skillet, she heard him move. Quiet, heavy steps brought him closer. His arms slid around her waist. His chest pressed against her back. She pulled in a sharp breath.
Josh nudged the collar of her robe aside with his chin, and his warm breath brushed over her skin a fraction of a second before he brushed his lips against the side of her neck.
Tipping her head sideways, she leaned back into him with a sigh. God, she could wake up to this every morning and never tire of it.
His teeth grazed her skin. “You’re beautiful, Amanda,” he murmured huskily.
All I Want for Christmas is Big Blue Eyes Page 10
