by Toni Blake
She was surprised, though, when that actually quieted Adam—and maybe, despite all her good reasons, there was a part of her that wanted him to keep arguing, wanted him to somehow begin convincing her that . . . well, maybe she should rethink this. Maybe she shouldn’t let her worries stand in the way. Yeah, she had trust issues now, so it seemed smart to stay on guard. But what if Jenny was right about this? And what if she was wrong? What if that niggling feeling inside her, that hint of disappointment that he wasn’t continuing to try to talk her into this was God or fate telling her she was supposed to stop fighting her desires and give him a chance? What if . . . what if she was somehow passing up the best thing that could possibly happen to her?
She bit her lip, peering into Adam’s eyes, thinking through all this, and beginning to let it sway her, just a little. What had seemed clear and absolute just a minute ago now suddenly started turning more cloudy and uncertain.
Maybe I shouldn’t tell him no. Maybe I should tell him maybe.
Or hell, maybe I should just follow what my heart really wants right in this moment and tell him yes, that I want something with him, that I want more of this.
And that’s when Adam finally said, “Um, speaking of Jeff . . . Sue Ann, I couldn’t tell you this earlier when Sophie was with us, but there’s something you should know.”
She blinked. Hmm. She hadn’t seen that coming. “Oh? What should I know?”
“That Jeff asked me to testify at the alimony hearing.”
Nine
The cold became intense.
Charles Dickens, A Christmas Carol
“Testify?” she asked, stunned.
“As a character witness. On his behalf.”
“Oh.”
Lord. The news instantly turned her spine rigid even as she sat within his loose embrace. Despite that it wasn’t his fault, it put her on the defensive, made her feel for a split second like Adam was the enemy. Or at least in the enemy camp.
And—dear God, she’d just had sex with him in a truck. After sex with him in a cabin. And that had been dramatic enough for her already, but . . . what if this came out? At the hearing? What if Jeff did decide he wanted full custody of Sophie? What kind of mother would she look like? She couldn’t imagine what she’d ever done to Jeff that would make him want to hurt her that badly, but as she had to keep reminding herself, she’d never imagined he was capable of any of this.
Although, in a way, she supposed Adam’s news shouldn’t surprise her. It had gotten far too easy at moments to forget he was Jeff’s best friend. She’d been, at the very least, careless—and at worst . . . reckless.
“I didn’t say I would,” Adam went on. “I told him I needed to think about it. And I don’t really like him putting me in the middle of this. But . . . ”
She took a deep breath, let it back out. “But?”
“But he’s been my best friend for most of my life.”
“Of course,” she said, nodding, biting her lip, trying very hard to act unaffected but pretty sure she wasn’t pulling it off. “So you’re going to do it. I understand. It only makes sense.”
“I didn’t say that,” he replied quickly. “I really do need to think it over before I give him an answer.”
Still, she could barely breathe. Because it suddenly felt as if Adam held her fate in his hands. “Does he know? About . . . this?” She motioned uncertainly back and forth between them.
“No,” he said. “Of course not. No reason to bring that up—that’s between you and me.”
“Okay, good.” A sigh of relief echoed toward the truck’s ceiling even as she continued trying to act as cool as possible about the whole thing. “Because, um . . . ”
He held up his hands. “No need to go on. I get it, completely.”
But did he really? He probably thought she was only embarrassed, or just generally wanted to keep her sex life private from her ex. She doubted he had any idea of the far-reaching ramifications flitting through her head right now, visions of ugly court scenes and custody battles and devastating loss. So much for her warm, peaceful Christmas feeling from earlier. “The thing is, Adam, if Jeff found out about this, his lawyer could use it to paint me in a bad light. And I’m sort of jumping to the worst case scenario here, but . . . ”
“No worries, Sue Ann. Seriously. I get that part, too.”
“Okay,” she whispered. Trying to trust in that. Adam’s a good guy. He is.
But at the same time . . . it would still be foolish to forget that he isn’t quite as good a guy as you always thought. He once cheated on Sheila—even if not in the traditional sense, even if he’d felt backed into a corner. And despite the fact that he and Jeff aren’t tight right now, they go back a long way. And that was bound to hit Adam at some point, too—that his loyalties lay with Jeff more than with her, hot sex notwithstanding. And either way, if he was put up on a stand and asked questions at a hearing, he would have to tell the truth, whether or not that truth hurt her.
So she was right. Never was a long time to promise you wouldn’t hurt someone—and right now, she just wasn’t sure it was a promise Adam could really make. And as for her waffling about this a minute ago, her temptation to give in to girlish emotions—well, that was gone now. Because it had to be.
“So do I dare ask where this leaves us?” he ventured. “Though I probably picked the worst possible moment to tell you what I just told you, didn’t I?”
The truth was, Sue Ann just barely heard him. She was too mired in her own thoughts now. At some point, her focus had even shifted away from Adam’s face—now she stared blankly out the window into the snow and the glowing lights he’d hung across her front porch today, vaguely recalling how pleasant life had started to seem there for a few hours.
But now reality forced her to meet his gaze again. And—oh Lord, he was handsome. And his body still felt so warm, even if she didn’t exactly remain cuddled up against him the way she’d been before.
Still, she had to stay strong here—she had to do the safe thing for her and Sophie. This was no time to take risks. “I’m sorry, Adam,” she said. Her voice caught slightly, yet she kept going, trying her damnedest to sound sure and resolute about this. “But it’s like I told you. There’s too much else that requires my complete attention right now. And I’m just in a really delicate place, emotionally. I’m sure you understand.”
“I do,” he said somberly, looking sincerely disappointed. “I wish you felt differently, but I do. And for the record, whatever I decide about the hearing, it has nothing to do with how I feel about you. It’ll only be to say that Jeff’s a decent guy. It’ll only be because I know he’d do the same for me—you know?”
She nodded and said, “I get it.” And she did. Even if Jenny suddenly went off the deep end or something, she wouldn’t turn her back on her. So how could she expect Adam to turn his back on Jeff? She and Adam had shared a couple of nice nights together. A couple of hot nights. No matter how nice or how hot, though, it didn’t equal twenty-plus years of friendship.
“Thanks for not holding that against me,” he said.
And she just nodded softly. She wasn’t enjoying turning him down, but she still knew it was best, knew it was smart. And it was simply the only answer that made any sense, especially now. “So,” she said, “just like last week, can we decide to get back to normal now? As much as possible anyway?”
“Sure,” he replied, even as a small, sexy smile snuck out. “But I’d be lying, Sue Ann, if I said these nights with you weren’t the best thing to happen to me in a while.”
In response, she bit her lip, felt her chest rise and fall in quick succession. Then she gave in to one last bit of weakness—she lifted her hand to cup his jaw and leaned in for . . . mmm, a long, slow kiss that almost made her think she had to be nuts for turning off this thing between them.
But she wasn’t nuts; it had to be. No matter how that kiss echoed all through her as she whispered, “Goodnight,” climbing out of his lap and back across
the truck to grab up her coat and purse from the floor.
“Goodnight, Sue Ann,” he said as she opened the door.
A whooshing burst of cold air blew in, and out into the winter evening she went.
On Sunday afternoon, after Jeff dropped Sophie off at home, Sue Ann and her daughter headed into town—the annual Destiny Christmas tree lighting on the town square would take place at dusk. Sue Ann would have been happy to skip it this year, but this was one of those holiday events Sophie looked forward to, exactly the type of outing Sue Ann had been mentally gearing up for when she’d headed for that cabin the night after Thanksgiving. So it had been nice when Jenny offered to meet the two of them at Under the Covers for a little Christmas shopping first.
Sue Ann and Sophie pushed through the cheerful little bookshop’s door, the bell overhead announcing their arrival, to find Jenny and Amy sitting in the big easy chairs by the front window, sipping eggnog from festive cups.
“Wow, everything looks so nice in here,” Sue Ann said to Amy. A sparkling tree stood decorated near the chairs, and a collection of cat figurines wearing Santa hats or holly wreaths sat grouped in the wide windowsill.
“Here, have a candy cane,” Amy said, holding out a bowl full of them to Sophie.
Smiling, Sophie snatched one up and said, “Is Dickens here?”
And Sue Ann drew in her breath. She’d forgotten about Dickens. Oh well, too late now.
At just that moment, a book crashed to the floor somewhere back among the shelves they couldn’t see, and Amy rolled her eyes. “That would be him now.” And as Sophie took off to track the kitten down, Amy told Jenny and Sue Ann, “He really is a little troublemaker,” then set her mug aside to follow after Sophie.
“So,” Jenny said, “how are things?”
Sue Ann nodded and offered up a perfunctory, “Good.” Then she leaned forward slightly and lowered her voice. “I had sex with Adam again the other night.”
Jenny’s eyebrows shot up, and for a second Sue Ann feared her friend’s cup would be the next thing to hit the hardwood. “That is good.”
“Well, no, actually that’s bad,” Sue Ann corrected her.
Jenny made a face. “Why?”
“To begin with, for the reasons I already told you.”
“Then why did you do it?” Jenny asked.
Hmm. “Good question,” she admitted. “I guess I couldn’t resist. I guess it was . . . bigger than the both of us.”
“Wow,” Jenny said, looking as awed as Sue Ann was by the mere memory, which now made her face blossom with warmth.
The truth was, despite telling Adam they couldn’t be together again and all the reasons why, she’d thought of him nearly nonstop since getting out of his truck. Especially with Sophie not at home to distract her. Of course, she’d been busily job searching, too—on the phone and online—but that hadn’t kept him off her mind, either. And even if she wasn’t excited about attending the tree lighting, in a whole different way it was almost a relief to be out and about in a social setting so that now she at least had a shot at thinking about something else. “Yeah. Wow,” she finally said, her voice laced with sarcasm since she was wowing the very thing she couldn’t have.
“So this is still about it being too soon and all that?” Jenny asked. “Because, I mean, if it’s bigger than the both of you, shouldn’t it be bigger than that reason?”
Sue Ann sighed. In a way, her best friend made a pretty good point.
But she had to consider all the stuff Jenny didn’t know, as well. He cheated on his ex-wife, and I know he’s a great guy and all, but . . . does a truly great guy cheat? Ever? No matter what the circumstances?
It still kind of killed her that she couldn’t tell Jenny that part, since it might be helpful to get her feedback—but she could at least tell Jen the newer, more immediate reason. “There’s more now. Jeff asked Adam to be a character witness for him.” She then went on to explain that Adam had promised not to share anything having to do with her but that she couldn’t be totally sure it wouldn’t come out anyway. “And I don’t blame Adam if he decides to do it, but face it, regardless of what does or doesn’t come out, it would be pretty weird to start a relationship with a guy who’s testifying for my ex-husband. Wouldn’t it?”
Only instead of giving Jenny a chance to reply, she went on, adding, “Besides, when would I have time for him? I need to focus on Sophie right now, and find a full-time job, and study for my real estate license. And I have to figure out if I’m gonna sell the house or if I can afford to keep it. There’s a lot going on.”
So given all of her really good reasons for not diving into anything with Adam right now, it surprised her when Jenny still remained skeptical, saying, “A lot going on that would probably be easier if you had something good happening in your life, like Adam.”
Fearing Jenny might be heard, Sue Ann waved a hand frantically downward to quiet her. “Shush!”
“And he might not even testify,” Jenny went on, her voice only slightly lower. “And if he really started to care about you, like if it got serious—that would be a pretty good reason for him to turn Jeff down.”
Sue Ann just shot her a look. “Are you suggesting I should bribe him with my affections?”
“Of course not,” Jenny said, rolling her eyes. “I was just mentioning a possible perk, that’s all. Calm down.”
“Easy for you to say,” Sue Ann groused. She’d had a hard enough time walking away from Adam without having her best friend tell her all the many reasons she shouldn’t have. “In fact, let’s talk about you. What’s new in your life?”
“I want to have a baby,” Jenny said without missing a beat.
And Sue Ann nearly fell out of her chair. Because she knew Jenny had casually tried to conceive during her previous marriage, around the same time she’d had Sophie, but when it didn’t happen, she hadn’t seemed upset. And she hadn’t brought the subject of babies up since then—except to say that Mick didn’t want kids and that was okay with her.
“Um, does Mick know about this?”
Jenny gritted her teeth, hissing in her breath. “Not exactly. Not yet.”
“Uh-oh.”
Jenny nodded knowingly. “Yeah, the thing about him never wanting kids is gonna be a problem. I guess I’m just hoping . . . I might somehow be able to change his mind.”
Yet now it was Sue Ann making a face. “Oh Jen, are you serious? Mick has never struck me as much of a mind changer—especially on something as big as that.”
“I won him over on Destiny, didn’t I? Once he hated Destiny, but now he likes it just fine.”
Oh dear—sometimes Jenny could delude herself and needed Sue Ann to spell things out. “Um, those are two very different things, my friend. If he suddenly wakes up one day hating Destiny again, the two of you can move. But if he wakes up not wanting to have a kid—well, you can’t move away from your kid, or send it back. You kinda have to be sure about it.”
Across from her, Jenny let out a sigh, looking appropriately chastised. “I know. But . . . I’m just having maternal urges. Strong ones.”
“It’s because it’s Christmas,” Sue Ann assured her. “It seems fun to have a kid at Christmas. It is fun to have a kid at Christmas. Well, except for when she wants things you can’t possibly produce on Christmas morning, like reindeer. But my point is, maybe this will pass.”
Just then, Sophie and Amy appeared, exiting from between two tall aisles of wooden bookcases, Sophie carrying Dickens in her arms. The gray kitten purred contentedly, and Sophie grinned up at Sue Ann to say, “He likes me.”
And despite herself, Sue Ann couldn’t hold in a smile at the sweet sight. “Well, of course he likes you. How could he not like you?”
“Here’s the garland I told you about, Soph,” Amy said, pointing to a rope of twisted gold tinsel attached to the checkout counter. It hung down, loose, all the way to the floor.
In response, Sophie lowered the cat beside it and sat down on the hardwood floo
r as well. Then she reached out to shake the metallic garland, drawing the kitten’s attention until he began to bat at it, leaping from side to side and making them all laugh. “Silly kitty,” Sophie said, and Sue Ann could sense how drawn her daughter felt to the kitten, in a way that broke her heart. Why do we all want so many things we can’t have?
“Oh no,” Amy said then from behind the counter, glaring at the floor as strawberry blond curls fell cutely around her face.
“What’s wrong?” Jenny asked.
Amy turned an accusing eye on Dickens, then spoke through clenched teeth. “Somebody broke into his box of Meow Mix when I wasn’t watching and made a big mess back here.” But then she sighed, reaching down to pick up the kitty, looking him in the eye. “It’s lucky you’re cute, mister, or you would be in so much trouble.”
“Mommy,” Sophie said then, “can we adopt Dickens? Like Rachel adopted Shakespeare and Tessa adopted Brontë?”
Oh boy. She should have seen this coming—yet her mind had been too occupied with other things. Her friends had just had to adopt Amy’s earlier strays, hadn’t they? She hesitated a beat too long, then formed an answer. “Oh, honey—I’m sorry, but no, we really can’t.”
Sophie’s face transformed into a large pout, her forehead wrinkling in distress. “Why not? All my friends have pets. Chloe at school has a cat named Whiskers. And Tiffany got a turtle for her birthday. And Jacob and Joey have Pepper.”
Sue Ann released a heavy breath. “Sophie, a pet is a big responsibility.” One I just don’t think I can deal with right now. “And a big expense.” Another thing I don’t need at the moment. “And soon, I’ll be working full-time, and I think a cat might get lonely being at home by himself all day.” And this particular cat would probably vandalize the place. “Maybe . . . in another year or two, honey, we can think about getting a cat. But not now.”
“But Dickens will be gone by then. Some other kid will get to adopt him.”
Sue Ann just sighed. She was tired. From everything. And there was a part of her that was almost tempted to say okay, that Sophie could have the cat, just because it would end the tension—and God knew the two of them were cute together—but then Jenny jumped in. “Your mom’s right, Sophie. Trouble gets really lonely when Mick and I aren’t there. That’s why he was so excited to see you last weekend—he spends a lot of long days by himself with no one to play with. You don’t want Dickens to be lonely, do you?”
