“Let me guess, your sire choked?”
“He did. Leaving me alone and unfortunately meaning my family were no more. I didn’t know then that I could have fed from at least one of them and brought them back to life.”
“Wow, you are really great at this vamp shit.” Kim pushed his arm. “You ever thought about being an actor? I reckon you’d win awards.”
“I did that from 1926 to 1930,” Theo said. “Learning lines gets boring after a while.”
“You are such a hoot. Isn’t he a laugh, Shelley?”
I raised my eyebrows. “He’s something.”
“Okay, Theo. So my suggestion while we try to find you a wife is for you to step back from your ongoing pursuit of the farm.” Theo looked ready to protest, so I raised my hand. “Just until we get you a wife and then you could tell her about the farm. I mean, she might not want to live on one and then all your efforts would be for nothing. She might like a simple two-up, two-down with central heating and a patio.”
“Fine. I suppose I could desist for a few weeks.” Theo huffed.
“Now, Kim is going to go through our additional questionnaire which is all about your ideal woman and your dating habits.”
“Okay,” Kim said, crossing one leg over the other and trying to look official. “Do you have any preference for an age range, hair colour, any other personal details?”
“A fellow vampire would be excellent, or a woman willing to be changed.” He looked at me. “I noted this on my first application.”
“You could have changed your mind between then and now. Carry on, Kim.”
“Okay. So someone who likes your vampire kink thing or who is willing to join in. Noted. Next question, when was the last date you went on? Describe it for us a little.”
“It was a month ago. I met a nice lady in a bookshop and arranged to take her out for dinner. She ran out of the restaurant about a minute after we sat down.”
“Why was that?” said Kim.
“Well, I’ve been looking for a wife for a long time now and the whole dating, getting to know someone thing gets very tedious when after a month or two you tell them you’re a vampire and they run away. I decided to get it out there at the beginning. Save wasting both of our time.”
“And have you had dates with others of your kind? Surely there are places to meet other ‘vampire’ women.”
“Yes. I’ve done that. But most vampire women are very jaded. If they’re my age, they tend to have been married several times and for some reason prefer to spend the rest of the time single. They hang around university gyms in an evening, or student nights out where they take advantage of young men who are inebriated and don’t remember anything the next day. Of course, the bite marks heal quickly, and the men put their tiredness down to an amazing night out, not a lack of iron.”
I could tell by Kim’s face that she believed he was a total fruit loop.
“Okay, well, if I could just have a word with Shelley outside, and then we’ll be back to give you our decision.” She told him, smiling afterwards though it didn’t reach her eyes.
He nodded.
As soon as we were out of the door, she beckoned me to her office. “Beautiful guy. If you can find a woman who doesn’t mind dating someone with a psychiatric disorder, you’re golden. I think we’re going to have to let him down.”
“It’s okay. I have a default in the programme that can come up with no matches. I’ve not had to use it before, but it means we can put him ‘on hold’, let him down without destroying his confidence. Essentially, we’ll lead him to believe it’s our fault we can’t find any matches.”
“Oh, what a great idea.”
The truth was I couldn’t match him up with any of my clients because for one, they’d assume, like Kim, that he was mental and secondly, I didn’t know him well enough to know he wouldn’t kill one of them. What if he got this thirst again that had made him drain his family members?
“Okay, let’s go back,” I told her and we retook our places in my office.
“Right, Theo. If you’d just give me a moment. I’ll input the rest of your information and we’ll see if we have any matches for you. If we do, then Kim can take your first month’s membership payment, and we can get your first date arranged.”
“That would be wonderful,” he said. “May I watch it do its thing?”
“Of course. Just a minute.”
I keyed in the information so it looked genuine and then pressed the button that would give him no matches before turning it around showing the ‘search’ procedure. Theo clapped. “Oh, my goodness. I didn’t for a moment think this would be possible. I thought it might go against some ethics, but I’m very happy with this. Yes, I think your computer is amazing.”
Wow, one satisfied customer. I span the screen back around to myself and then gasped, my mouth hanging open. I went through what I’d keyed in, running the process through my mind. Hell, I’d done everything right? So why was it showing Theo that his ideal partner was me?
Chapter Five
Theo
Some things were best left unsaid. I’d given away some vampire secrets, but I didn’t get to live to 126 without keeping a lot of them to myself. For instance, the stake. It could absolutely kill me and reduce me to dust if it went through my heart. That was entirely true. Choking on steak? Well, it had happened to an old vampire friend on a night out. It hadn’t killed him but put him off eating human food. I’d found my sire in a pile of ashes, killed by my father’s farmhand.
Also, I had above average hearing, meaning that I could hear every word of the conversation between Shelley and Kim when they went to the other office.
But my best kept secret? I adored all things computers. At home I developed programmes for other vampires on how to keep track of our mortal enemies. I’d also developed a kind of Facebook for vampires called Faceblood. Years of experience and time on my hands allowed me to hack the weak to me security (quite adequate for others without my skills) and changed Shelley’s system to show her as my ideal date.
Because I wanted her.
Since the minute I’d set eyes on her in that restaurant I’d decided no other woman would do.
She had hidden depths and secrets either she was unaware of or didn’t wish to divulge. I could smell them on her.
More than that she was beautiful inside and out.
Setting up a dating agency, finding love for others when she didn’t have it herself, was such a self-sacrificing thing to do. I’d looked up her history, seen that she’d been raised by adoptive parents, and as far as I could see she had no idea of her family background. Interesting.
Research into her agency showed that it was one of the best in England. I thought she deserved it to be the best, so I’d advertised her service on Faceblood. Hopefully she’d get some extra business. Dating a supernatural guy or girl was difficult, and there were a lot of us that remained single. We needed someone like Shelley on our side.
Shelley was still staring at the screen, but her colleague found the entire thing hilarious and couldn’t stop laughing. “Well, Shelley, looks like you have a date. About time,” she said. “Hey.” She poked me in the arm. “I just thought, you coming here, we had an ‘interview with the vampire’, get it?”
I smiled at her. “Very witty. Do you know the whereabouts of all your main clients? Don’t have any ‘Lost Boys’.”
“I can’t go on a date with you,” Shelley insisted. “It’s against my ethics.”
“I won’t tell if you won’t,” said Kim.
“Not helping,” Shelley replied.
“Well, technically, as you stated earlier until I pay for a month’s membership I’m not actually a client. So, my apologies but I won’t be joining your dating agency.” I looked at Kim who beamed and gave me a thumbs up. I was warming to her even if she did smell. At some point, I’d have to warn her about sleeping with wizards. It could get messy.
“So, what say you, Shelley Linley? Would you like to g
o out with me? Preferably somewhere where there’s no food you can throw?”
Shelley closed her eyes for a good thirty seconds. Then she opened them and nodded. “Why not? If nothing else I can teach you how to date a woman without scaring them away, and Christ knows I’ve nothing better to do with my evenings.”
Well, it wasn’t a no, but I can’t say her acceptance did a lot for my diminished ego.
“Excellent. I’ll pick you up from your apartment at 8pm tomorrow evening.
“I’ll see you then, Theo,” she replied.
I bowed to her and Kim and left the agency with a twinkle in my eye and a spring in my step. Things were looking up.
As I walked through the park on my way home, a stray firework hit a tree branch above me. It broke off, narrowly missing my head and landed on the ground in front of me, its broken point sticking up. Wow, if that had fallen a couple of seconds earlier and I’d tripped, that would have been the end of me. It really was my lucky day. I started singing Kylie’s ‘I should be so lucky’. God, I missed Scott and Charlene, they had the most epic romance. I’d really like to find that for myself.
Thursday night was cards night at mine. I arranged some dips, chips, and beer around the table and awaited my guests. Before long Rav, Darius, and my best friend Reuben—another vampire—were seated, and the cards had been dealt.
“It’s going to be a lot better without Frankie here,” said Darius.
“Yes. Despite his assurances that he wouldn’t bewitch the cards, he won every hand until I threatened to drain him,” Reuben commented with a glint in his eyes.
I looked at my friends in turn. I couldn’t have him in the house again. “He smelled terrible. There isn’t an odour remover that deals with removing the smell of magic.”
“It has a smell?” said Rav. “I didn’t smell anything.”
“I’ve a very sensitive nose. He smells like rotten vegetables.” I turned up my lip. “Anyway, we need to keep an eye on him. He’s sleeping with the assistant at the dating agency. I smell a rat.”
“That’s not a nice way to describe him, even if he does stink like refuse to you,” added Darius.
“I don’t trust him. He’s up to something, and if I can manage to get near enough without wanting to hurl, I’m going to find out what it is.”
“I applied to the agency myself today,” said Darius. “How are you getting on?”
I smiled. “I have my first date, and I’m very confident that eventually, she shall become my betrothed.”
“Really?” Darius said. “That fast. Wow, I hope she can set me up that quickly.”
“Alas, I think you may have to wait for her to accept that our kind really exist. She’s currently on the fence—one moment she believes me and the next she’s back to thinking it’s parlour tricks.”
“Well, it’s not as difficult for me to disguise myself. As long as I don’t have a date on the night of a full moon, I just come across as ripped and hairy. I hear human women are all about the man bun and beard at the moment.” Darius added.
“Indeed, if their current book covers are anything to go by. There’s quite a bit of shifter paranormal romance out there too, so you could be making dreams come true by dating human women.”
“God, that would be epic.”
“No.” I shook my head. “It’s not epic these days, it’s sick. That’s the current word for it.”
“You just said ‘alas’,” Darius protested.
“So who’s the date with?” Rav asked. “By the way, you owe me for calling you sir all night at Hanif’s and pretending not to know you. At least you don’t have to repeat the crazy that is Shelley. She runs that agency and is brilliant at matching others, but she has no clue about love. None.” He turned to the others. “She threw hot food at Theodore yesterday. I don’t know what her problem is. She’s fit.” Rav mimed a decent rack and patting a tush with his hands, “but completely insane.”
He turned back to me. “So, who did she set you up with?”
“My date is with Shelley.”
“What? You’re crazy, and how? She’s not in her own system, surely?”
“I rigged it when they went out of the room. I didn’t have to pay either because it’s not ethical so win-win.”
“And she agreed to go out with you? A vampire? I told you she’s crazy.”
“There’s something about her. A connection between us. She’s mine, meant to be. I just know it.”
“So you got a date without even paying?” Darius sulked. “We need to get rid of that wizard so I can have a crack at the assistant.”
“Maybe you’d get further with women if you didn’t use language like ‘having a crack’ at them,” Reuben answered looking down his nose at Darius.
“Don’t start acting superior with me, vampire. I’ll kick your arse.”
“Hang on, let me look when the next full moon is so I can book you in to do that.” Reuben picked up his phone. “Oh look, you can’t kick my arse for another few weeks. In the meantime, I’ll keep you in my basement like a pet and drain your blood every evening, keep you half alive. I quite like wolf blood.”
“Stop antagonizing him.” I berated Reuben. “Take no notice, Darius. You know as well as we do that vampires can’t drink much wereblood. It makes us volatile.”
There had been quite a few twelve-step programmes set up for vampires before the truce had been called in Withernsea between vampires and weres. Reuben had been one of those who had to attend.
“So, when’s your date?” asked Rav. “Please don’t bring her back to Hanif’s.”
“Tomorrow evening, and about that.” I looked at the others. “Any suggestions of where I could take her?”
Suggestions were made and then the game began in earnest. All thoughts of women and interspecies fighting were forgotten while us four men enjoyed a few simple games of cards.
Chapter Six
Shelley
It was time for our monthly meeting of Female Entrepreneurs do it with their colleagues and we’d closed the agency for an hour while we headed down to Jax’s cafe.
She already had pots of tea and coffee on the large central table along with a selection of buns and cakes. The aromas were magnificent.
As we took our seats she nodded towards a woman with ginger bobbed hair. She sat behind us, drinking what looked like a strawberry milkshake.
“I told her we were closing at two for business, but she’s not getting the idea.” Jax scowled. “I hate that ‘customer is always right’ mantra. Why can’t we accept that some customers are a pain in the arse?”
“Hell, she’s wearing Louboutins,” Ebony spoke, making all our heads turn to check out the woman’s feet.
"If you don't do what I've asked you'll be fired." The woman spat down the phone.
We passed looks between ourselves.
"You think my temper’s bad, wait until you meet the big boss." She yelled. "Now do what I asked and don't disturb me again, I'm busy."
She ended the call, threw her phone in her quilted Chanel handbag and then slowly sucked milkshake up a straw.
She broke off when she caught us looking at her. “Sorry, I’m a devil at being naughty. I realise you’re waiting for me to finish. Just carry on, I won’t listen. I’m almost done.” She smiled, revealing a perfect white Hollywood style smile.
“It’s fine. You enjoy your drink,” said Jax, turning back to us and rolling her eyes. “Ow.” Jax gripped her forehead, yelling in pain.
“What’s the matter?” I asked placing a hand on Jax's shoulder.
“Stabbing pain in my eyes. I bet I’m coming down with a tension headache. It’s the stress of running this business.”
“Here,” Ebony said, going in her handbag and taking out a small bottle of vodka. “This helps.”
“Will you stop encouraging everyone to drink in the middle of the afternoon,” I told her. “Seriously, Ebony. Do you need AA?”
“I don’t drive,” she said looking down at me
.
“You know full well I’m referring to Alcoholics Anonymous, though I do worry you’re having a breakdown.”
“I don’t get the voices when I drink vodka. I told you. It blocks them.”
I looked across at Kim with a raised eyebrow. She twirled her finger at the side of her forehead.
“Well, enjoy your afternoon, ladies. I must be going,” the customer said, scraping back her chair and rising from her seat. “It’s a shame I’m not able to open a cafe at my place of work. It’s too hot with the furnaces. Could have asked you to open a franchise of Jax’s there. Oh well, maybe in the future I can corrupt you into it.” She laughed. “In the meantime, I’ll have to call in here more often. It’s good to check out the local businesses, see if I have any competition.” She looked at me as she said that. She couldn’t own a dating agency, could she? Not if she had furnaces. She must own a smelting company or something.
“Well, ciao,” she said and walked out of the door.
“Fricking bitch. No doubt from the new development near the Aldi,” said Kim. “Scoping out the competition.”
“I hope she’s not thinking of opening a rival dating agency,” I said.
“You’re quiet, Ebony.” I asked her.
“I’m getting one of my migraines. Something’s trying to come through but my vodka consumption won’t let it. We best hurry with this meeting before I have to go to lie down.”
“Right, well first order of business,” said Jax. “Are we all still okay with the open day in the cafe on Halloween? I’m going to do the obligatory buns with cobwebs and spiders and serve pumpkin lattes.”
I made a gagging noise.
“Customers like them.” Jax pouted.
“That’s fine with us,” Kim said. “I’ve ordered some new business cards to bring with us. Are we getting dressed up for the event?”
I groaned.
“Yes, we all have to get into the spirit of the event. Spirit, get it?” Jax clapped her hands at her own joke. “I’m dressing as a Zombie from The Walking Dead. What about you, Kim?”
The Vampire wants a Wife (Supernatural Dating Agency Book 1) Page 4
